The Internet contains every piece of information in existence, except the definition of "relevance." But it is precisely the Internet's inability to care whether the information it provides is relevant to anyone that can suddenly introduce you to some surprisingly fascinating facts and change the way you think about the most mundane objects imaginable. For me, that moment came when I first saw an online photo of crystal fluorite, an otherwise uneventful mineral from which we get fluoride (the stuff they put in our water/toothpaste), which also happens to be one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen:
Holy shit. That looks as if the Tesseract from The Avengers had sex with the Hubble telescope to produce a frozen piece of the cosmos, and I desperately need a word to describe it because there is no adjective in English for "fascinating all of a sudden." I was playing around with various combinations of "ninja" and "bukkake" (because they combine coolness and the quality of unexpectedly hitting you in the face), but in the end I settled on "unboring." It's similar to the word "undead," only instead of reanimated corpses, "unboring" refers to things that have been raised from the realm of boredom. Like with James Blunt, the wusstastic singer behind "You're Beautiful" and, as it turns out, a war-hardened army captain who commanded thousands of soldiers during the Kosovo War.
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And suddenly the Ninja Turtles' stupid eye masks make a hell of a lot of sense.
Cracked has actually run numerous articles about secretly awesome things, animals, and places that you've always dismissed as a potential cure for insomnia. There was the time we told you about Switzerland, the chocolate/banking Canada of Europe, which in reality is filled with enough hidden explosives to blow up the country 10 times over. We've also talked about Canada itself and how its favorite hobbies include killing terrorists around the globe and equipping its unboring Mounties with MP5 submachine guns, because it's just so hard to accurately murder people to death with handguns. Those are the actual words of the Mounties, by the way, and the fact that no word comes close to precisely describing the newfound respect you now have for them is proof enough that the English language has failed miserably. No need to thank me for finally fixing it.
I mentioned earlier that I'm not a native English speaker. Hell, I've never even set foot in the U.S., and yet for almost five years now I've been making a living writing about American politics, economics, and pop culture. It was actually quite easy to keep up with everything that was going on in the States thanks to cable TV and the Internet ... right up until Kim Kardashian started getting really famous in 2010.
Who is this lady, I kept asking myself. Why was everyone talking about her? Why do her eyes say "Yeah, I killed a hobo once. What of it?" in every picture she's ever taken? Google helped clear some things up, but the whole experience left me very confused. I know it's a cliche now to say that Kim Kardashian is famous for being famous, but back then that was only starting to become a thing. A thing, mind you, that didn't have a proper name, even though it obviously should be "Tinkerbellend."
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Dick jokes are the only true form of comedy.
Owing its etymology to Tinker Bell -- the Peter Pan character who needed people to believe in her or she'd die -- and "bell-end," the literal and figurative term for "dickhead," a Tinkerbellend is that special type of celebrity who is primarily known for their obnoxious self-promotion. Think people like Paris Hilton, Donald Trump, Spencer Pratt, and just about any other famous person who'd forever disappear in a puff of self-absorbed smoke and Chanel No. 5 if we just stopped paying attention to them.
Wikipedia actually lists two similar terms for people like that: "famesque" and "celebutante," the latter of which sounds like an X-Men reject with celery-based powers, and the former like the dying words of a man who's been stabbed in the throat with a Scrabble tile rack. More importantly, none of those names capture the true essence of a Tinkerbellend, whose two major characteristics are seeking fame and having a personality that can be best compared to the head of a human penis. Can you think of a more apt description of, say, Miley Cyrus after her intentionally controversial performance at the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards?
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The foam finger is currently in counseling.
Now, it may seem strange to call women "dickheads," but you know what? This is an era of gender-equal mockery, and when someone replaces their tongue with a McDonald's pancake and has simulated sex with a foam finger just so that we start paying attention to them again, that person is going to get called a dick.
But while there are people who are entirely Tinkerbellends, some celebrities might simply have Tinkerbellend moments. It's a little bit like having a senile moment when you go outside without any pants on, only here you do it in front of thousands of people, and instead of showing them your penis, you are the penis.
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Which I'm starting to suspect is a prerequisite for participating in the Video Music Awards.
Kanye West has had plenty of those, like when he interrupted Taylor Swift at the VMAs and created an Internet meme, or when he named his daughter North West. And yet that doesn't take away from the fact that he's a successful rapper and producer who unfortunately feels the need to become an occasional giant megaphone on fairy wings, because making good music is rarely enough to sell people a plain white T-shirt for $120. Although, considering that he admits that his ego is his drug, maybe Kanye West isn't doing all of those annoying things because he's a Tinkerbellend but because in his troubled mind he truly believes that if everyone stops talking about him, he actually will die.