There are thousands of self-help books, which is weird, because if their audience were capable of book learning, they wouldn't be trying to empowerify their lifestyles with the power of wishing really hard. Or using words like "empowerify." If an author's only marketable skill is talking positively to people even dumber than them, they shouldn't be your life coach unless you're a head-trauma nurse or running for election. The Crystal Experience should only empower you if you're trying to destroy the Enterprise.
When your problem-solving strategy is "shiny rocks," you're either a horny magpie or doomed.
They need the opposite of books, something that doesn't require people to make an effort or even be capable of independent thought. And lo, YouTube was born. Unfortunately, it took the "opposite of book" concept way too far by allowing those people to transmit as well as receive, and now it lowers the average intelligence of users instead of increasing it. The longer people spend there, the more they need help, and the comments section proves that anything up to and including flamethrowers can only make things better. Which is why I've selected four music videos with important lessons for the modern YouTube user.
#4. Be Confident
If you're putting something online, you'd better be ludicrously confident or unable to read. And the latter won't work, because YouTube commenter hatred transcends literacy. If we could bottle it, it would be powerful enough to dissolve the waste around Chernobyl, or at least make it look good by comparison. Some say that complete anonymity and immunity from physical violence turns everyone into assholes, but that's not true. It's having nothing better to do than being completely anonymous where no one can touch you that turns people who are already assholes into festering super-assholes. The only way to counter them is being immune to mockery, and one man has been swinging his hips right through criticism for 40 years.
Tom Jones is tanned confidence incarnate, and that's as in leather, not as in sunshine. When most music videos want to establish the singer as sexy, they fill a yacht with oiled models and pay them to remain smiling when he's nearby. When Tom Jones was told they needed to film a video about incredible sexiness, he said, "I'm already here. Start recording."
Tom Jones, Sony Music
And that background is nowhere near the whitest thing about his dancing.
That is his entire contribution to the video for "Sex Bomb," and it's not an ironic title. He knows that sex means sextuagenarian, crotch, his, stare at it, baby. The producers forced him to include some actual ladies, and he said, "OK, but keep them away from me so nobody gets distracted." In Tom's world, showing off willing women is like expecting compliments for wearing laundered clothes -- childish, unnecessary and revealing serious lacks in your lifestyle. In his life, sexy co-fun-havers are more easily available than tap water, because he doesn't have to go to the kitchen to get some.
Tom Jones, Sony Music
No, girls, YOU come over HERE because I'M TOM JONES.
The power of Jones' absolute immunity to mockery is demonstrated by the story of his chest hair insurance. Newspapers made fun of him for insanely insuring his hirsute pecs for $7 million, but when you find out what really happened, it reverses the polarity of that mockery. An insurance agent simply said that an anonymous person had requested a seven-figure chest hair policy, and the entire world said, "Someone's chest hair is worth $7 million? Obviously that's Tom Jones!" That's not mockery, that's a global award of manliness. And when the people mocking you are idiots only proving how wrong and jealous they are, you now know how to deal with YouTube commenters.
#3. Stop Wasting Time
Back in the Cathode Age, shows could hold us hostage for an hour and a half of stupid talking heads with 10 tit-seconds and one good explosion. Now we can watch clips the world's best both simultaneously.
Twin pinnacles of information technology
Which makes it stupid that some YouTubers are resurrecting this habit of waste. Ten-minute videos made of nine minutes of their face and one minute of what the title promised.
This is especially terrible when a quick Facebook link leads to the 4 a.m. realization that you've spent another irreplaceable day learning that while kittens fall over more hilariously than people, skateboarding concretovores are still the trump card of naturally selected comedy. Again. This video is the antidote, proving that every three minutes and 28 seconds of your life is precious.
That video introduces 19 different continuities before a movie would get to the title.
And they all kick ass
There are over 200,000 possible combinations, and it manages most of them in about 200 seconds.
When this happens it will make perfect sense, meaning this video may be the first electronic hallucinogen
It's also the only video on YouTube to differentiate people based on color that isn't made by hateful retards. Kousuke put more work into those three minutes than most webcam whiners put into their entire lives. Hell, there's more intelligence and planning in that video than in most countries. So the next time someone feels the need to explain what his video is about when you already read it -- that's why you clicked on the asshole -- refuse to let these chronomuggers steal your life force and click away.