How To Make Money Using Inaccurate Pop Culture Reviews

I just discovered the easiest money I have ever made or ever will make. I'm not going to B.S. you or exaggerate here: It boils down to a couple hundred dollars per hour, depending on your outlet, and there is virtually no research involved. You can absolutely do this too. Let me explain ...

The Washington Post recently made headlines when it came out that Dr. Stacey Patton, who co-wrote a strongly worded article denouncing Amy Schumer as a racist, had never actually watched Schumer's television show, Inside Amy Schumer. Nor had she seen any of her stand-up beyond short, specific clips of Schumer delivering what Patton decided were racist jokes.

theinterrobang.com

On a similar note, Joni Edelman, a writer at Ravishly.com, recently wrote an equally strongly worded condemnation of the Pixar movie Inside Out for the crimes of body-shaming, sexism, and, according to the headline, "Well, Everything." Again, the writer conceded that she hadn't actually seen Inside Out and based her strongly held opinion solely on images from the film she'd seen in the media.

And then it hit me. This is the single most brilliant money-making idea ever conceived. I, too, write about entertainment, but it's often hard to find the time to invest in watching the actual content that I'm reviewing. That time is precious. If I could eliminate that aspect of entertainment reviews and just write them based on extremely brief trailer glimpses -- or maybe just their titles -- all of my efforts could be focused on the review itself. So that's what I'm going to do here. After all, once you've heard the title of a movie, you pretty much know what it's about. For instance ...

#4. Ant-Man Proves That The Holocaust Never Happened

Marvel Studios

The most jarring scene in Ant-Man, by far, takes place within the first two minutes of the movie, when Paul Rudd's character watches a video and, breaking the fourth wall, says directly to the camera, "Well, I was skeptical about the Holocaust being an elaborate hoax designed to get people to feel sorry for Jews, but that video offers damning, conclusive proof that the so-called 'genocide' of the Hebrew race is the greatest fiction ever perpetrated on an unsuspecting public. It is now my sacred mission to debunk this grotesque and hurtful fiction and tell the world that Hitler wasn't such a bad guy after all. A little misunderstood, sure, but otherwise an OK bloke."

Marvel Studios
"That's why I wear the red and black of his flag. Strong colors. Pure Colors."

Rudd's Holocaust denier then travels around the world shrinking himself so that he can sneak into various secret libraries and collect even more proof to support his theory. You'd think that the scene where Ant-Man directly tells the audience that the Holocaust never happened would be hard to beat for sheer offensiveness, but Ant-Man tops it shortly afterward with a jaw-dropping sequence where Ant-Man presents his damning evidence before the Israeli congress and the Israeli people, who sheepishly concede that they were, in fact, faking the Holocaust to get people to feel sorry for them.

Just when you think the film could not be any more abhorrent, the people of Israel then agree to leave en masse so that the country can become a new homeland for displaced neo-Nazis, who, along with Ant-Man, are depicted as the real heroes of the movie.

Marvel Studios
But not before Ant-Man has to defeat the evil Yellowjacket, whose suit is powered entirely by Jewish gold.

The strong Holocaust denial at the center of Ant-Man is even more repellent and unimaginable considering star Paul Rudd is Jewish and supporting player Michael Douglas is half Jewish. I cannot imagine what could have induced these proud members of the religion to lend their talents to a project largely devoted to Holocaust denial. Ant-Man may be a tiny little dude when he's doing his thing, but in this cinematic vehicle his message is all-encompassing.

I for one feel that the makers of Ant-Man, whomever they are, should take responsibility for their ridiculous implications and outright fabrications on this subject and apologize to the world. Ant-Man is a bane to our societal evolution, and we as an audience will not be satisfied until their careers are ended. I strongly urge all of you to take to Twitter and voice your outrage.

#3. Age Of Ultron Is A Protest Against Gay Marriage And Transgender People

Marvel Studios

These are wonderful times for LGBT rights. Gay marriage has been legalized throughout the country. Between the popularity of shows like Orange Is The New Black and Transparent, and the publicity surrounding Caitlyn Jenner's Vanity Fair cover, transgender people have never been more public or talked about in our society.

And that's why I was so disappointed and offended at the subject's treatment by Avengers: Age Of Ultron. We all know that Bruce Banner's transformation into the big green rage-monster known as The Incredible Hulk is triggered by anger. But in what I can only construe as a horrifically misconceived attempt at timeliness and political commentary, The Hulk's rage is fueled exclusively by his anger at the legalization of gay marriage and the increased visibility of transgender people in American life. This isn't just speculation or me misinterpreting a metaphor. He actually screams as he transforms, "I am so angry at the legalization of gay marriage and the increased visibility of the transgender in American Life! RAAAAAHHHG!"

Marvel Studios
"HULK UNCOMFORTABLE WITH EQUAL CHOICE BATHROOM ACCESS!"

A lot of the audience for Avengers: Age Of Ultron are children, and it disgusts me that their fragile, impressionable minds will have to suffer through the poisonous conditioning of scenes where Avengers leader Tommy Stamps, aka Metal Man, tells The Hulk, "The fact that homos can now get legally married anywhere in the United States cheapens the marriage you share with Mrs. Lady Hulk and marriage in general. It is a slippery slope until gay marriage leads to people marrying their dogs or group marriage involving human beings, appliances, and tractor-trailers."

It turns my stomach knowing that kids who look up to The Incredible Hulk as a paragon of wisdom and maturity will spend part of the film's eight-hour running time watching a setpiece where a rage-filled Incredible Hulk rampages through San Francisco's Castro district during Sunday brunch pummeling homosexuals while yelling things like, "Hulk made uncomfortable by two men in a committed, legally recognized marriage. Hulk smash! Hulk no allow sacred, Christly ordained institution to be destroyed by people who hate our values! Hulk think U.S. Christian nation, time it start acting like one!"

Marvel Studios
"IT'S PEGGY AND STEVE, NOT BUCKY AND STEVE!"

Even on a basic storytelling level, it seems wrong and hypocritical for a giant green radioactive monster to be so judgmental and hostile toward people whose only "crime" is wanting the love they share with a partner to be legally recognized by society. So, while the creeps behind the strong homophobia of Avengers: Age Of Ultron might still try to portray him as a superhero, in my imagination, at least, he is super wrong in his hateful prejudice against homosexuals and transgender people.

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Nathan Rabin

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