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4 Mistakes Every Movie Monster Seems to Make

#2. Invading Other Franchises Always Ends in Disaster

New Line Cinema

In Freddy vs. Jason, Freddy Krueger brings Jason Voorhees back to life and sets him loose in a sleepy Midwestern hamlet to mutilate the screaming Jesus out of a bunch of teenagers, the idea being to generate enough fear for Freddy to use as energy to power his jailbreak from hell, because nightmare-prowling murder demons apparently operate on the same logic as Monsters, Inc.

New Line Cinema
"Bitch, I'm not scared of you. I've dealt with Beyonce's ego."

Here's the problem: Jason is terrible at alliances, to the point that I'm pretty sure he never even knew they were on a team. The two end up battling, which is an unfortunate turn of events for Freddy, because he is a spindly pedophile dressed like a private detective at a Christmas party, whereas Jason can swing a machete with the aggregate forearm strength of 17 professional linebackers and is roughly the size of a triceratops.

New Line Cinema
"As I pause in this moment of quiet reflection, it is suddenly clear to me that many parts of my plan were terribly flawed."

Freddy ends up right back where he started -- dead, and with nobody to terrorize. He would've had better success teaming up with Whoopi Goldberg's character from Ghost, which incidentally is a movie I want to see immediately.

#1. Overcomplicating Their Revenge

New Line Cinema

A fair amount of slasher movie monsters are chopping people up to satisfy some bloodthirsty vengeance they feel they are owed. Invariably, they end up sabotaging themselves with lofty revenge schemes that are entirely too complicated to succeed.

For example, Freddy Krueger wants revenge on all of the people who chased him down and burned him to death, and considering he was a child murderer when he was alive, it makes sense that he would target their children now that he is a blazing infernal fury ghost. And he has an incredible power to do so -- he can just kill the kids in their dreams. Seriously, that is one of the mightiest special abilities in the history of superhuman murderers.

New Line Cinema
Yet another poor teenage girl having to fight off the unwanted advances of a guy with a fedora and bad skin.

But Freddy spends way too much time building up to each murder -- he'll haunt the kids for a few weeks, tormenting them with those pre-emptive nightmares I mentioned earlier, before finally delivering the death blow. That gives the teenagers enough time to band together to solve the mystery of his identity and figure out a way to stop him, which is the precise chain of events that occurs in every single movie.

New Line Cinema
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me over the span of six sequels, a crossover, and a reboot ..."

If Freddy just burst into each kid's subconscious like a detonating zeppelin and tore a screaming hole through their face in a single nightmare, there'd be no issue -- a bunch of inexplicable yet unrelated cases of teenagers dying in their sleep. Nobody would be able to start passing around stories of a guy in a sweater and a Wolverine glove trying to flay them in their dreams, and nobody would ever find out that Freddy had come back from the dead. He could go on killing people until the end of time, and we'd never have any goddamn idea what was happening. We'd think it was aggressive sleep apnea or something.

New Line Cinema
"No! The mask! Why didn't you wear your sleep mask?"

In Halloween, Michael Myers' ultimate goal is to kill his sister Laurie (it isn't revealed that she's actually his sister until Halloween II, but whatever, I'm calling the shots here). So he busts out of his mental hospital, boosts a car, and races back home to their neighborhood at the speed of a frenzied maniac ... to spend three-quarters of the movie stealing a headstone and stalking two other girls who have nothing to do with anything, just so he can set up an elaborate corpse diorama for Laurie to discover:

Dimension Films
He went the extra mile with the jack-o'-lantern, too.

And it isn't like Michael had trouble finding her -- he follows Laurie around for the entire day, but the second night falls, he gallops off and murders three other random people who have absolutely no connection to him. If he'd just gone straight to Laurie's house, rang the doorbell, and punched her in the eye socket with a fistful of carving knives, that would've been it. Boom, revenge complete.

Michael was already on borrowed time -- he's an escaped mental patient with a history of violence, and his doctor knew exactly where he'd be going. He should've just run Laurie over with the car he stole from the hospital and kept right on driving, all the way down to Mexico. Instead, Michael literally wastes the entire day locked in a long-distance staring contest with the back of his sister's head before lumbering away to kill a handful of total strangers, giving the authorities enough time to show up, rescue Laurie, and launch him out of a second-story window on a rocket ship made of gunfire.

Dimension Films
"I was actually hunting down the monster that made The Love Guru, but you'll do."

Revenge doesn't need to be an ornate death ceremony, guys. Just get it over with and move on. Jason has the right idea -- he's mad that the teenage counselors at Camp Crystal Lake let him drown, so he immediately supermurders any teenager he finds as hard as he possibly can, with whatever object he happens to be holding at the time. None of this "waiting for the perfect moment" nonsense -- Jason is in it for the numbers.

New Line Cinema
"I get shit done."



Tom has never made a mistake and cannot be destroyed by conventional weaponry. Read his novel Stitches and follow him on Twitter.

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