Cracked Columnists

4 Memos from the Most Bafflingly Evil Movie Corporation

Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)

Constantin Film

Another great quarter for Umbrella Corporation! Every federal, environmental, criminal and journalistic investigation into our business practices has ended. Along with everything else that isn't Umbrella. Congratulations, remaining employees, we are now No. 1 in the Fortune 500!


Or as it's now known, the Fortune 1.

It's also been a standout year for Marketing: Every single human on the planet is now either using our product or thinking about those who are! We'd especially like to thank Stevie in Corporate Strategy, who predicted that the absolute collapse of human society and murder of the entire planet would be required before anyone beat Apple. Nice work, Stevie, your employee record will be posthumously updated!

Constantin Film
An even more distinctive look than white earbuds.

Unfortunately, our success is offset by a serious problem. The worst case our corporation has always feared. The nightmare scenario for any biological weapons company: piracy. Users have been "sharing" our product, especially with close friends and family, robbing us of vital sales.

Constantin Film
Look at those greedy intellectual property thieves.

We recovered plans for how to combat this threat in a hostile takeover of the RIAA buildings. (It turns out that conversion to mindless hungering avatars of greed hadn't changed their business practices.) Legal tells us there are no longer any problems with just shooting people who share our stuff. Interestingly, this is the exact plan the RIAA had been working toward.

Constantin Film

Human Resources has been complaining that the perfected human cloning technology should be under their review, since that is literally their department name, and in fact the first time in history that it was a literal description instead of a soulless dehumanization of living beings. (They also appreciate how working for a company with a Biological Weaponry Department means that they're not the most hated part of the corporation.) Unfortunately, the cloner is still being fully utilized by the Pointless Murder Division.


Wesker kills the entire world and then finds a way to be even douchier.

Human Resources also notes that CEO Wesker has been repeatedly blocking their simplified new performance review procedure.

We must also sadly regret the passing of Dr. Sam Isaacs, who spent the last year killing multiple Alices and researching the antivirus, and was killed by multiple Alices and the antivirus. Please remember Umbrella Corporation safety regulations!

Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010)

Constantin Film

We've found the reason for our recent lack in market growth. The new action plan was:

Unfortunately, printer toner is somehow even more expensive after the apocalypse ("Never rains but it pours, that's why we need Umbrella!"), and it ran out halfway through printing these instructions for our staff:

Fortunately, this corporate misstep has exterminated almost everyone (left) on the planet, so there won't be anyone to post sarcastic Twitter messages about it. Research & Development also wants to know why we're still experimenting on human subjects now that we have about 7 billion data points proving that, yes, the virus kills people. In fact, they're wondering who's conducting these tests at all, because it's not them. Does security actually check who's in charge of the labs, or are they just obeying any psychopath who shows up in a lab coat? We're only asking because that would help the payroll situation, and also explain pretty much everything we've done for the last decade.

Constantin Film
"Glad to have you on the team, Dr. N. Dead!"

Also, Accounting (which is just Bob -- there aren't many of us left) is worried about the rate at which CEO Wesker is detonating property. We understand that it's sometimes necessary to liquidize assets, but he's making a corporate smoothie. In the last quarter, he's detonated an underground Tokyo city and half an air force, and he tried to blow up our floating research base. It's also getting expensive to install new washrooms when he keeps blowing them up instead of flushing.

Constantin Film
But after downsizing the executive board and the entire planet, he was free to develop the most sophisticated toilet in history.

We're looking forward to a spectacular quarter with a daring corporate strategy. For the last 10 years, we've lost every single thing we sent against Alice, so we're sending every single thing against Alice. (Incidentally, we never did fill that "Pattern Recognition" position.) Especially the helicopters, which have so far killed, injured or blown up every single person to get in, including ex-CEO Albert Wesker and Alice.

Constantin Film
The collective noun for Umbrella aircraft is "a mass suicide."

We've got a good feeling about this one.

Luke discovers The Game of the Worst Movie Ever Made, and risks his very soul in the Magic: The Gathering Experiment. He also has a website, tumbles and responds to every single tweet.

For more Umbrella insanity, check out Umbrella: The Most Wasteful Movie Corporation Ever and 6 Evil Corporations in Movies (With Terrible Business Plans).

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Luke McKinney

  • Rss

More by Luke McKinney:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

450 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!