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4 Memos from the Most Bafflingly Evil Movie Corporation

The Umbrella Corporation is the most stupidly evil corporation in history.


Umbrella charts are stupidly overcomplicated, like all Umbrella products.

They've destroyed the entire world and are actively hunting any survivors. But underneath the T-virus laboratories, zombie cages and kennels full of skinless dogs (AUUUUGH), they hold the worst brain-destroying evil of all: PowerPoint business meetings.

Getty
The T-virus is just a weaponized slideshow.

Resident Evil (2002)



Constantin Film

Welcome, shareholders. Some of you have been demanding to know where our record profits have been going, mockingly suggesting that we've been pouring billions of dollars into a gigantic hole in the ground. We've been pouring in far more than that! We can now reveal the next stage of Umbrella expansion: a secret underground city filled with viral weaponry, artificial intelligence and experiments in human mutation. We're calling it "The Hive," replacing our working title, "The Pit of Incredibly Bad Ideas."

Constantin Film
We also liked "Insanely Genocidal Things R Us," but Legal tells us that copyright lawyers are much scarier than biological weaponry.

We're building this under Raccoon City so that our new products can get straight into the civilian market. Which is good, as Accounting says that every single person on the planet will have to use our products before the place turns a profit. Marketing said that we'd have to make something viral, then said oh God, that's not what they meant, then there was a lot of screaming. But now they work for free!

Constantin Film
Umbrella's dedicated advertising team!

We're confident that they'll change the way people see Umbrella.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)

The Hive was a fantastic success! We not only released a killer product, but somehow reduced payroll, insurance and all other "living" expenses to zero. And our employees are still relentlessly spreading it 24/7. We're proud to make the Hive our flagship facility, and will be rolling out the same changes to all other locations worldwide!

Constantin Film
Better get moving, staff, they're real go-getters in Raccoon City!

Unfortunately, it seems that sending people into the quarantined lab let it infect the rest of the city. We're now sending people into the quarantined city. Also, Human Resources tells me that the position of "Pattern Recognition Officer" still hasn't been filled.

Constantin Film
Hindsight is 20/20 and, for Umbrella, usually full of explosions.

Shortly afterward, market research identified a brand-new demographic in Raccoon City -- a huge shambling horde attracted to bright lights, loud noises and utterly ridiculous plot twists -- so we set up a wrestling event between Project Alice and the Nemesis.

Constantin Film
Eh, still better than Daniel Bryan.

It turns out that setting someone against their own previous love interest doesn't work. As a soulless evil corporation, we really need to source personnel who understand these "feelings" that keep screwing up our plans. Either that or exterminate everyone on Earth so that they can't get in our way anymore. An executive committee is co-presently solutionizing which action plan to implement going forward. Because if anyone understands human emotion, it's people who talk like that.

Constantin Film
Also, our corporate art budget is getting kind of ridiculous.

Project Alice killed Nemesis, killed our executives and was then killed in a helicopter crash. We brought her back with even more superpowers, as "resurrecting things that want to kill us" is our entire corporate strategy.

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