Whether it's on late-night TV or overheard out in the world, there are go-to jokes people vomit up as their default attempt at making a witty observation. These jokes have entered the public domain and people use them over and over and over and over and, yet again, over, because that's the only response they know to a particular situation. We've all heard these bland, cliche jokes repeated so often in so many places that we just accept them. They're easy targets.
Well, it's about time we retired these lame jokes and shipped them off to a hospice so they can die in peace after years of overuse. Their time is done.
#4. Taco Bell Gives People Diarrhea
On the subject of your ass being ripped apart by the geyser of liquid shit rocketing out of you mere moments after sinking your teeth into anything from Taco Bell, I have to call bullshit. There is nothing inherent within Taco Bell's food that will flip your rectum inside-out. It's a joke on an incredibly easy target, and there are two reasons it exists: 1) Mexican food can make you gassy because of all the protein, fiber, and spiciness, and 2) the low quality of fast food. Jam those together and you've got an infinitely reliable poop joke.
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I couldn't find a picture of the infinity symbol made of turds, so use this as a template as you imagine it.
If since birth you've eaten nothing but unsalted crackers and chicken broth like you're always 24 hours away from a colonoscopy, then yes, Taco Bell may cause you to explode. Taco Bell doesn't serve engine parts wrapped in shoe leather -- you should be able to digest something as basic as beans and cheese without being crippled into the fetal position on your bathroom floor as bursts of poop spray out of you. A burrito is not a big deal.
Not Taco Bell.
Yeah, you might be a little gassy afterward, but if you get diarrhea after eating Taco Bell and it's not related to food poisoning, you probably aren't long for this world. A taco destroyed your body and now your insides are melting. A goddamned taco. If the old "Taco Bell gives me the shits" joke perfectly describes you, you are weak. It's not a healthy meal, but it's not like they're getting their meats and cheeses out of another restaurant's hot dumpster. Their weird, corporatized Tex-Mex-style cuisine is fine. It's you -- the joke is on you and your piss-poor constitution. Much like Dorothy could always get home from Oz even without her special shoes, you need to recognize that the diarrhea was inside you the whole time.
#3. The Wait at the DMV
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For our international readers, the Department of Motor Vehicles is where we Americans go to take our driving test when we're 16 so we can get our driver's license and then legally drive like an asshole until we die from it. It's famous for being a bit of a nightmare. Lots of bureaucracy, lots of waiting, lots of moving from one line to another. The DMV has been a cornerstone of American humor since the first comedian went to the local DMV and had the same mildly unpleasant experience as everyone else.
"Two! I've killed two people since I got this thing!"
The problem with the comedic referencing of the DMV isn't that it's wildly incorrect -- the place can and will occasionally suck. The problem is that no one ever goes to the DMV enough for it to make a significant impact on their lives. I went to the DMV when I was 16 to take my driver's test and I've never been back. Every issue with my driver's license that's cropped up has been handled through the Internet since 2002. Unless you're a vehicular sociopath and getting your license revoked and reinstated is somehow a regular occurrence for you, the wait at the DMV should be a minor blip. It's a persistent reference point based on a place most people in America visit, at absolute most, a handful of times throughout their entire lives. And one of those happens to be one of the best days of anyone's life: the day they earn a card that legally allows them to drive a car.
"Still pretty happy about those two people I killed!"
Now, let's get numerical: The national average for DMV wait time is 34.2 minutes. Compare that to the average national wait time in a doctor's office (which will have way less people walking through every day because there are tons of doctor's offices in a city, or even a neighborhood), which is 20.2 minutes. Considering every weirdo and their weirdo friend who lives within 10 miles of your local DMV is at your DMV the same day as you, 34.2 minutes isn't bad.
Jokes about the DMV suck not just because they're hacky, but statistically as well.