#2. How to Score More Points on Nintendo Games, 1989
This is one of two Nintendo videos written and hosted by Skip Rogers, "World Video Game Champion!" Before you get too impressed, you should know that there was never a "World Video Game Competition!" Skip Rogers is a lying asshole, and he plays Nintendo as if he left his thumbs in a prostitute during the First World War. Nerds, this video is going to piss you off so hard:
In the 15-minute-long How to Score More Points on Nintendo Games, Skip talks us through five games. Three of them don't have points, and two of them are giant, sprawling mazes. Thanks, Skip, but a few minutes of directions for Castlevania II: Simon's Quest is barely better than useless. That's like helping someone find their way around Cleveland by handing them a picture of Kyrie Irving's penis.
There are many long moments of silence where the viewer simply watches Skip suck at Nintendo. When he does add commentary, the World Video Game Champion! spews incorrect information and bad advice, as if his world title might become real once he's made you worse at video games. If he's giving a tip in a game with two characters, he'll mix up their names and do the opposite of what he advises, and then an editor will accidentally put the audio 20 seconds away from the event he's describing. If you don't play video games, it's difficult to describe exactly how bad Skip is at his job, so let me try to explain another way: If Skip Rogers managed a Burger King, he'd show you how to mop by frying his hands off and declaring himself the Mayor of Pizza. Skip is so terrible at doing things that if he tried flirting with a woman using magic, he would accidentally have sex with her.
#1. Slots Hosted by James Coburn, 1996
I don't want to spoil the ending of this movie, but there's no strategy to slot machines. They're like relationships -- you throw your hopes and dreams into them until one of you is out of money and the other one is empty inside.
James Coburn, the late star of Snow Dogs,* guides you through complicated slot machine tips like this one: Betting more usually slightly delays your slow march toward bankruptcy. There is not, nor will there ever be, a second slot machine tip. Keeping that in mind, Slots Hosted by James Coburn is 40 minutes long.
*Get Ready for MUSH Hour!
After teaching you all you need to know to win, the video fills the other 39.9 minutes with things like debunking slot machine myths. Of course the problem with debunking myths like these is that anyone stupid enough to believe them doesn't have any idea what "debunking" means. Though if they have to take a swing at it, they guess it sounds like a fat person dying in a waterbed.
James Coburn has killed enough men with dice to know the malevolence of random numbers, so if he tells us that probability is determined by things that have nothing to do with our feelings and expectations, we'll have to believe him. That being said, if someone hits the jackpot right after you leave a slot machine, following them back to their hotel room with a knife is a good way to show probability that you're not to be fucked with.
If you can't trust a robot designed only to take money and then give less money back, who can you trust?
Someday in the near future, James Coburn's implicit trust of machines and computers will be classified as "HUMOR" when their whirling blades pulp his remains into servo lubricant.
You're pretty optimistic with your superstitions if you think that casinos rig their games to automatically give out money at a certain point. That's like believing the Easter Bunny is real and then also believing that the Easter Bunny has a human vagina.
I hate that James Coburn keeps explaining that random numbers are random, but since the only thing he knows about me is that I bought a VHS tape on how to play slots, I can't blame him for assuming I went to school back when math class was counting how many horses it took to pull an unfaithful wife in half.
Now you're just being a condescending dick, James Coburn.
When uneducated maniacs were running around inventing slot machine myths, this was the only reasonable one they came up with. The fact that it isn't true only drives home the point that there was no goddamn need to make this video. Knowing anything about statistics while you play slots is like knowing your rapist's favorite color.
The tape actually advises viewers to push a slot machine's spin button rather than pull its handle to "reduce wear and tear on your arm." By this point, James Coburn's list is completely off the rails, but I don't think his target audience was expected to survive this far into the video.
Hold on a second -- is James Coburn telling me I've wasted all this time freezing fortune teller blood into quarter-sized shapes? Does James Coburn have any idea how hard it is sneaking up on a fortune teller!?
"In fact, if you're still watching, there's a good chance you're just standing in front of a urinal. I'm James Coburn."
For more terrible things he's found, see The 4 Most Homophobic Comics Ever Created or 9 Ludicrous Trends in Advertising We'll Never See Again.