The 4 Strangest Things Nobody Tells You About Life in China 5 Slapstick Failures by Modern Military Commanders 5 Things I Learned as an Anonymous TSA Blogger
Cracked Columnists

4 Instructional Videos Made By and For Crazy People

#2.
Magical Rainbow Sponge with Dee Gruenig (2000)

The world of scrapbooking and stamping is a terrifying place. Every time a woman presses a rubber stamp onto a sheet of embossed stationary, her vagina secretes one tablespoon of spackle. If you multiply the number of scrapbooks in a woman's home by 15 and then divide that number by one, those are the odds that her bra and panties match. If her walls are stencil-painted, she thinks a bikini wax is something you use to make horses stick to a swimsuit.

This video is an uncensored explosion of arts and crafts enthusiasm. It is the ass-to-mouth pornography of memory albums and thankyou cards. Dee Gruenig literally cannot contain her excitement about the Magical Rainbow Sponge, and it's every combination of lovable, hilarious, and terrifying. Dee is entrenched in a lifestyle I'll never understand, where gender stereotypes are things like "every woman loves containers!" And speaking of every woman, after hearing the sounds that Dee makes every time she swipes her sponge across a postcard, I realize that every woman I've ever been with was faking orgasms. Dee Gruenig could power an aircraft carrier by sitting on a generator and looking at border patterns.

Our country might really be trying to weaponize Dee's love of oh-my-gosh-wiggles. Halfway into the video she pulls out a dragon scroll with her name on it and says she got it when the Army Arts & Crafts Department sent her to Korea. Holy crap, what?

#1.
Karatecise Workout by Master Dominick Giacobbe (1987)

Take a moment and picture what something called "karatecise workout" might look like. You were either wrong or completely insane. This is nothing like anything. Master Giacobbe is a "Karate Mind Master." It's a style of martial arts that focuses on winning fights by falling into a kind of invincible sleep. With karate concentration, Dominick can enter a warrior trance, and 80% of this workout video is bizarre demonstrations of what that means. Giacobbe and his Mind Master friends zen out and jump on broken glass, walk on knives, and let motorcycles run over their stomachs. It's beyond any shadow of a doubt the most awesome workout tape you'll ever watch.

Other workout videos are bogged down with exercise footage. Master Giacobbe laughs at that garbage. I mean, why would he show you how to do a situp when he can show you how to pull a van with your teeth?

If Master Giacobbe concentrates for a few minutes, his unconscious body just starts stumbling around and doing the impossible. His idea of a workout is napping on the highway until a truck explodes against him, so when it's time to teach the viewer actual exercises, he seems to have no idea what's going on. He and his bearded karate pals leap and twist like a fat person ran out of donuts and had to invent a new way to mock fitness. Stretching like Master Giacobbe is almost as likely to injure you as walking across knives like Master Giacobbe. If this didn't explicitly say it was a workout routine on the box, I'd swear this was a tape to show hippies how to shake an organic tampon loose.

The karate moves he teaches aren't much better. He only demonstrates a couple of self-defense techniques, and they're both exactly what you'd expect from someone impervious to all harm-- fun diversions to perform while every incoming punch and kick successfully strikes you. I guess when you can stand on samurai swords with water buckets hanging on the motorcycle spokes through your elbows and 60 pounds of cement in your mouth, you stop worrying about pussy crap like human fists.

His main area of expertise is surviving disastrous knife mishaps, but it's not like Giacobbe can't kick a little ass when he's awake and the right conditions are met. The video includes a short clip of him in an actual karate fight, and he does really well.

Karatecise warns you that you should consult a physician before attempting what you see. If you actually do this, let me know what your doctor says about the motorcycle driving over your stomach. Because I think that doctor might be trying to trick you into buying an expensive stomach surgery. In all seriousness, don't attach your mouth to a van at home. Dominick's mind is so powerful that he can tell his blood not to squirt out of holes in his body. Here, I'll let him explain:

Master Giacobbe's version of history is so much better than ours. I don't think he's right, but let's not get into that tired debate of which came first, the karate trance or the bandage? All we know for sure is that if you try anything he does in this movie, the person that finds your body will be on the phone with 911 for an hour trying to describe what they're looking at.

This workout video is more than suicidal carnie tricks and bad aerobics-- there are also several scenes from some kind of theatrical karate show. It was recorded at a Resorts International convention hall, and judging from the audience reaction, it brought several Cleveland-area septic pipe distribution associates to the brink of entertainment. The highlight was a daring retelling of Little Red Riding Hood. It opened with a lounge singer panting an extra sexy version of "Hey There, Little Red Riding Hood," which would have been creepy even if she wasn't eight, and she was. Then acts 1, 2, and 3 are her kicking a wolf in the dick. Yes, it's stupid, but how ridiculous would it be if these people could jump on broken glass and read and write?

Behold, the schizophrenic wonderland that is Karatecise Workout:

Seanbaby is a treasured Internet icon and the creator of Seanbaby.com. Follow him on Twitter.

For more, see 4 Real Survival Guides for Wildly Improbable Situations, , and Carlos Mencia's Twitter: 25 Posts Too Unfunny to be Stolen.

  • Random

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Seanbaby

  • Rss

More by Seanbaby:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

494 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!