4 Ridiculously Obsessive 'Star Wars' Fan Tributes Ever

#2. A New Hope With the Dialogue in Alphabetical Order


Most things on the Internet exist because. That's it. Just because. So if you want to know why a guy named Tom 7 spent 42 hours alphabetizing every single word spoken in Star Wars, now you do. In his own words: "The video is meant to be provocative in its uselessness." You can watch that uselessness here:

Before you get all high and mighty and activate your Internet snark generators to leave comments like "does this LOSER even have a job lol," you should know that Tom does have a job, and it's better than yours. Tom has a Ph.D. from Carnegie Mellon, and he works for Google. His field is "machine learning," which presumably means he's working on artificial intelligence. Before he alphabetized every word in Star Wars, he created a computer program that learned how to play old Nintendo games.

Tom watched Star Wars, noting each time a word was spoken. That took around 30 hours. Then he created his own program to help track down every instance of a word in the movie's audio track. The program took around 12 hours to create. With every individual word accounted for, his program then aligned all the words spoken in the movie and turned them into the video above.

If you don't see how knowing that the word "stations" appears five times while "station" appears 11 times can make the viewing experience better, then you're absolutely right. It cannot. The video is 43 minutes of information you'll never know what to do with.

"Much. Much. Much. Much. Murdered."

In case you were wondering (you weren't), in A New Hope, the word "star" is used 11 times and "wars" only three. I have no idea what you should do with that fact or where you should put it. Certainly not in your head. It'll take up valuable space in your head, so ... I don't know. Bedazzle it onto cut-off jeans shorts, maybe? Write it on a Post-it and burn it so that fact may ascend to the heavens and become one with our world? This paragraph is my way of unloading that observation onto you, the reader, so I can get rid of it forever. You figure out what to do with it now, and with this video.

#1. Topher Grace's (Supposedly) Fantastic Star Wars Prequel Re-Edit


You might know Topher Grace only as Eric Foreman on That '70s Show, but in Hollywood lore he's known as the guy who re-edited the Star Wars prequel trilogy into a single, reportedly great 85-minute film called Star Wars: Episode III.5: The Editor Strikes Back. I say reportedly because there isn't even the slightest chance in hell any of us will ever see it. We have to rely on the opinion of the few who have.

Grace wanted to learn more about the editing process, so he gave himself a project: try to make one good Star Wars prequel movie out of three not-so-good ones. He screened the movie for a select few, and only a few of that select few reported on what they saw.

In all, the prequels are a seven-hour bore. To make it 85 minutes, Topher Grace had to cut out tons of characters and plotlines. The movie starts with Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn fighting Darth Maul, reducing the entire plot of Episode I down to Qui-Gon telling Obi-Wan to train Anakin. Almost all of Episode I is gone, including the 17-hour-long pod race scene.

At least we got this out of it.

Jar Jar Binks is on screen once for a few seconds. Midi-chlorians are gone. Nearly the entire subplot about Jango Fett's clones is gone. Little Boba Fett is gone. All the talk about trade blockades and space taxes -- gone. All scenes about space congress -- gone. Anakin as a little kid -- mercifully gone. General Grievous? It's like he never even existed in the first place. The film ends in roughly the same way as Revenge of the Sith, with one key difference: The infamous Vader "NOOOOOOO!" scream is gone, and we're left with one final, ominous image -- Vader's helmet being lowered onto his head. Anakin never learns that Amidala has died. The shot fades to black. Anakin is dead. There is only Darth Vader.

"Misa gonna get turned into an extra?!"

The movie is -- again, reportedly -- only about how a promising young Jedi Knight builds and wrecks two vitally important relationships (Obi Wan and Padme) as he blazes a path to becoming the most menacing villain the galaxy has ever known. The consensus from the few who have seen it is that in only 85 minutes, Topher Grace did a better job of telling the story of the prequel trilogy than three two-and-a-half-hour movies.

Luis is re-editing the events of his life using the duodecimal system. You can find him on Twitter and Tumblr.

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