4 Insane Conspiracy Theories That Need Their Own Movie

There are two things Hollywood can do very, very well: milk an idea until it bleeds the last of its heartblood into the uncaring California sand, and all the cocaine. That's why it's so surprising that studio big shots have never really latched onto the more batshit end of the conspiracy theory sector. Sure, we've had the occasional JFK and From Hell, with their relatively sober shit-flinging antics, but despite all the other bullshit flying to and fro across studio executives' desks, the whole "weird-ass theories about famous mysteries" thing has never become a proper genre. This is a shame, because the Internet is chock-full of awesome and completely insane theories just waiting for someone -- and I trust we're beyond naming names at this point, Michael -- to cram them full of explosions and boobies.

Hey, here's an idea: Why don't we check out some of the more movie-worthy theories out there and see if movie makers will bite? Hell, even if these things would suck in movie form, it'd at least stop them from churning out horrible remakes of 1980s hits for a while.

#4. "Spring-Heeled Jack Was the Victorian Batman"

Hulton Archive/Hulton Archive/Getty Images

At first glance, Spring-Heeled Jack seems like a classic case of a bloodthirsty villain who turns out to be little more than mass panic. For all we know, he might be that, or a large blue alien in a dollar store devil costume. We have no use for facts today -- we're here for the dirt, man.

The second most famous Jack on this list sprung (sorry) into existence in 1837, hand in hand with the Victorian era. A demonic figure clad in outlandish clothes and a dark, wing-like cape, Jack was a mysterious monster able to breathe blue fire and jump inhuman leaps. He became notorious for haunting travelers and particularly women, and over time he became something of an urban legend that is occasionally sighted even today. Jack has been theorized to be an extraterrestrial, a demonic entity, and everything in between.

Or, you know, he might just have been a Victorian superhero with a mischievous streak.

Hulton Archive/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
Said streak starting with his fashion sense.

Some authors suggest that Spring-Heeled Jack was a masked identity devised by Lord Henry Beresford, Marquess of Waterford, a notable rich playboy of the time. Beresford was an accomplished athlete, a spoiled brat, and a notorious prankster, already famous for coining the phrase "paint the town red" by literally painting a town red.

Via Wikipedia
His first character was "Neck-Beard Jack," but women ran away before he had the chance to whip out the fire breath.

According to this theory, Beresford had an "unfavorable altercation" involving a police officer and a lady. For reasons that probably made sense to him at the time, this led to the perfectly logical decision to don a carnival costume and creep around in order to hassle both police and women. The blue fire was achieved with common fire-breathing techniques and a hefty dose of brandy (a substance I suspect played a large part in creating the character). The giant leaps were part spring-loaded shenanigans achieved by consulting his engineer friends, part athleticism, and a great big helping of the aforementioned mass panic and exaggerations by eyewitnesses.

So ... essentially, we have a costumed, crazy, rich playboy prowling the night, terrifying citizens with his skills and special equipment and playing ridiculous, cruel pranks just because he can? Holy shit, the dude was both Steampunk Batman and the Joker. Come on, Hollywood, it's right there! He even had access to a crew of gadgeteers, for fuck's sake. Really, all you need is a script and some giant-ass springs we can strap onto an American Psycho-mode Christian Bale and you can start ordering yachts for every day of the week, because you're about to make all the money.

Hulton Archive/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
Might want to look into redesigning the suit, though.

#3. "Amelia Earhart Was Eaten by Coconut Crabs"

Via Wikipedia

Aviatrix extraordinaire Amelia Earhart has been the subject of a big-budget movie before. Still, the theory we're about to look into could easily provide material for a whole sequel, although probably one where the lead role would need to be recast from Hilary Swank to, say, Linda Hamilton or Sigourney Weaver. Oh yeah, that's the kind of story this is going to be.

After her legendary flight across the Atlantic in 1932, Earhart was the toast of the entire country, until, in 1936, she up and disappeared over the Pacific Ocean during a 29,000-mile attempt to fly around the world. Since then, the final fate of Earhart's Lockheed Electra 10E has been the subject of much speculation, cannonballing her disappearance to the status of a legendary mystery, despite the fact that the whole thing is pretty much solved. They found parts of her skeleton on an island, where she had managed to save herself from what I'm going to go out on a limb and guess was an emergency landing in the ocean. The bones were later lost, but at least that's a plausible enough explanation.

Hey, did you notice that they only found her partial skeleton? Here's what some researchers think took the rest of it:

Via Creepy Animals

That, friends, is the coconut crab: the world's largest terrestrial arthropod, Cracked alumnus, and star of your nightmares tonight. They use their giant claws to open coconuts, can grow up to 3 feet across, and enjoy eating kittens, because of course they fucking do.

Oh, and they were all over the island Amelia Earhart ended up on. Can you guess where this is heading?

Via Wikimedia Commons
Large enough to crush your skull, small enough to live under your bed.

Some researchers suspect that the island's coconut crab population is responsible for dragging Earhart's bones to their burrows, where they presumably fashioned them into musical instruments with which they play their own extremely non-Disney version of "Under the Sea" at night. While this might not be too impressive from the point of view of a drugged-up Saw sequel-greenlighting studio executive, consider the situation: a heroic woman marooned on a small island populated by hordes of huge, flesh-eating monsters with coconut-crushing scissors for hands. Are they really going to wait until she kicks the bucket to try and have a bite? Did Earhart have to live out the plot of Aliens during her last remaining days? Did shit get all Pitch Black whenever it got dark? Did the crabs Voltronize into a massive mega-crab to match the mighty armor she had fashioned herself from their fallen comrades? We need to know, people, and only Hollywood can answer these pressing questions.

DigtialStorm/iStock/Getty Images
Artist's representation.

Oh, and even if we choose to take the boring route and believe that Earhart perished relatively peacefully, it could at least provide material for a post-credits scene to end all post-credits scenes. Chances are that the second she stopped moving, this happened.

(Note: That link contains a video of a pig carcass getting thoroughly obliterated by a bunch of crabs, so click only if you're in a suitable environment and/or really into that sort of thi- oh, goddammit, there you go. Don't say I didn't warn you.)

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