#2. "A Whole Bunch of A-Listers Are Possessed by Demons"
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Reptile people and immortal supervillainy are fine and all, but your celebrity bullshit-o-rama just isn't perfect until someone starts screaming about massive, multiple-celebrities-spanning conspiracy arcs. There's a popular theory that the super-secret power society the Illuminati is a thing (it isn't), and a number of celebrities (that is, pretty much all of them) are high-ranking members. However, that's too easy: Everyone knows the wealthy and the well-known belong in a powerful elite club. It's called being rich and famous. Today, our interest is piqued by another theory, which calmly states that a whole lot of famous folks are totally possessed by demons. Just straight-up overtaken by demonic entities, which are responsible for all those strange celebrity hijinks they indulge in.
The celebrities this particular theory specifically name-drops are Beyonce:
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To the surprise of no one, the demon "possessing" her is called Sasha Fierce.
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There are many adjectives applicable to this lady, but I dare say "demonic" isn't one of them.
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Hey, hold on a second ...
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Starting to sense a pattern here.
And Denzel Washington:
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So that's the game we're playing here, tin-foil nutbags? Screw the gazillion white performers whose public personas should qualify them in the hat-pooping squad at the drop of a (poopy) hat -- they're just "eccentric," aren't they? The demon status is reserved only for the people with a certain skin tone? Sure, the articles touting these theories also passingly name white folks such as Robin Williams and everyone's favorite Highlander Keanu Reeves as riders of the demon train, because they've been known to compare acting to "possession" and/or someone once passingly mentioned they "have a lot of demons" (conspiracy theorists are notable for their infallible logic). But despite their fame, these famous white actors remain footnotes -- the focus of all this demon bullshit falls squarely on the black performers, and fuck that noise.
Why It Needs to Be Real:
Man, I had a whole rant prepared about the nature of fame and how it correlates to selling your soul and shit, but now that I noticed the racist overtones of this thing, I'm just depressed. Fuck this theory with the biggest sack of fucks available. The only reason I kind of want it to be true is that if it were, maybe all these people could grab their pitchforks and go ram them up the asses of the racist conspiracy cockwaffles that keep coming up with stuff like this.
#1. "Andrew W.K. Is More Than One Person"
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As the new millennium dawned, a strange, white-clad, bloody-nosed madman burst on the music scene. This prophet of partying was called Andrew W.K., and behold! He was neat. However, since his breakthrough hit (you know, the one about quantum physics) started gaining traction, there have been rumors that he was, to put it bluntly, fictional. An entity called "Steev Mike" is claimed to be behind his music. Some say things go even deeper than that: According to them, the man we know as Andrew W.K. is an actor, and there have been at least two Andrews over the years. Here's proof:
Via NOW Toronto
You know the theory is true because people never look different in photographs taken years apart. Also, clearly we're talking about a man whose face is completely set in stone, and never ever drastically changes, no matter what happens.
Unsurprisingly, Mr. W.K. was quite taken aback by the rumors at first, but he ultimately decided to embrace them, because what the hell else are you going to do? Just flat-out admit that you're a doppelganger, or -- even more boringly -- that you're not?
That shit does not a party make.
Why It Needs to Be Real:
Why? Seriously, you're asking me why, subheader?
Do you know how awesome Andrew W.K. is, subheader? The man is a national treasure. There's his party-tastic Twitter account. There's his weekly, nigh-impossibly profound "Ask Andrew W.K." column. He's involved in cool nightclubs, motivational speaker tours, TV shenanigans, and a ton of other stuff. And, of course, there's always this:
In all of his ventures, he's a paragon of slightly insane but surprisingly insightful positivity, and even the people who have met him and kind of buy into the "elaborate hoax" theory admit he's one of the nicest guys they've ever met. So, some people are saying there's more than one of this man? To this, I say fuck yeah! I want there to be more Andrews W.K. The world needs more Andrews W.K. In fact, regardless of whether this thing is true, from now on I'm choosing to believe that there are at least a dozen of this guy running around, giving good advice to strangers, making faces on Fox News, going insane on Twitter, and rocking like no men have rocked before or ever will, all the while wearing that trademark smirk on their faces. At night, they all meet in a hidden Andrew W.K. lair and embark on secret missions where they fight crime. With the power of partying.
Cloning device Kickstarter, anyone?
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He's not the hero we deserve, but PARTY HARD PARTY HARD PARTY HARD!
Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Follow him on Twitter.