For thousands of years, a huge chunk of mankind has huddled over the pages of the Bible, wondering what it all meant. Are those four creepy horsemen supposed to be an allegory? Was the part that mentioned the unicorn really a translation error as people claim, or is something more sinister going on?
Can unicorn sparkle-rays melt steel?
And then there are the people who looked at the more confusing and unclear stories featured in the Good Book and decided that the best thing to do for religion and society was to douse those stories with a whole earthen vessel's worth of crazy. That's how we got things like ...
#4. Adam's Rib Was Actually a Penis Bone
In the very first book of the Bible, God does a favor to the very first man, Adam, after Adam complains that if he is ever in a television ad there will be no one to condescendingly fix his tie before he leaves the house. God concurs that a human update is needed and puts Adam to sleep with some sweet Garden of Eden anesthesia. He then grabs a rib from Adam's body, fashions it into a woman named Eve, and closes up his chest-parts. Luckily, Adam and Eve were the only humans on Earth at that point, because your future wife being formed from a gaping wound in your chest would make for some weird "how we met" stories at parties.
"And then Adam was like, 'God, I want a fluffy pet cat,' and he wasn't using his
medial cuneiform bone anyway, so ..."
But because nothing in this world is ever straightforward, others have claimed that it wasn't really a rib that God used to create Eve. It was a bone from Adam's dick.
The Crazy Theory
Next time you're observing a flaccid human penis flopping around during a naked dance-off, spare a thought as to why that penis is so flexible. No, really -- sit down and think about those unboned ligaments flopping back and forth like an American flag in a strong wind. Done? All right.
Just a bit more.
The majority of male mammals possess a baculum, or penis bone, and that includes all of our closest primate relatives. Why human males lack an enboned penis and have to rely on boner-fluid-hydraulics instead is something of a mystery ... unless you read Genesis, that is. According to a paper recently published in the American Journal of Medical Genetics, perhaps it's because our menfolk lost their literal boners in the Garden of Eden.
According to the paper, the Hebrew word tzela, translated in the Genesis story as "rib," can also be read as "supporting structure." The paper's authors argue that since men and women have the same number of ribs, and ribs are not associated with "generative acts," a penis-themed translation makes far more sense. What the authors don't explain is what this means for the small number of non-human primate species that also don't have penis bones, such as the spider monkey. If man's lack of a skeleton-penis is proof that our species got special attention from God in the Garden of Eden, does that mean these boneless-crotched monkeys should be given full human rights as well? I think we all know that the answer is yes.
#3. The Bible's Oldest Book Features a Goddamn Dinosaur
The book of Job is generally agreed to be the oldest book in the Bible: parts of it have been dated back to before the 6th century B.C. It's the story of a guy who has a really bad day, and it features these verses, in which God tells Job about a giant creature called a Behemoth:
Behold, Behemoth, which I made as I made you; he eats grass like an ox. Behold, his strength in his loins, and his power in the muscles of his belly. He makes his tail stiff like a cedar; the sinews of his thighs are knit together. His bones are tubes of bronze, his limbs like bars of iron.
Over the years, mainstream Christian scholars have claimed that God is describing a river crocodile or hippopotamus, but come on, guys: neither of those things has a "tail like a cedar." Others say it's an imaginary creature, but that's not really satisfactory either, because you'd think the creator of the universe would be more imaginative and give the thing antlers and wings made of horses or something.
The Crazy Theory
It's a dinosaur.
A grass-eating monster with a tail "like a cedar" fits the description of a sauropod like a lawyer fits into the mouth of a T. rex. It just leaves us with the question of why the thing pops up in a book that's only a couple of thousand years old. Fossil records, after all, show that by that point sauropods had been dead for approximately a fuckton of years. Of course, if you're a Young Earth creationist, that problem is a feature not a bug, because it proves that the author of Job knew about dinosaurs and was probably riding around on one as he wrote the book.
Personally, I don't think the Behemoth-as-dino story requires a belief in Young Earth creationism. After all, we're talking about God here. There's no reason he couldn't have zapped Job back in time like the angel in It's a Wonderful Life to show him an apatosaurus or two. Or maybe God just time-traveled a copy of Jurassic Park back to show the guy. That would have been pretty impressive too.
And if God had shown him one of the sequels, the rest of the Bible would have been devoted to why Satan isn't that bad.