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The 4 Most Horrifying Recent Commercials

#2. Miracle Whip: The Preferred White Sandwich Goop of Dangerous People

In the parallel Earth presented in Miracle Whip commercials, eating some of their white sandwich goop is like being the guy on the motorcycle on Meat Loaf album covers.

Virgin Records/Mercury Records
Two minutes after eating a Miracle Whip egg salad.

Miracle Whip is the marginally different mayonnaise alternative of rebels -- rebels like the lady who made deviled eggs with Miracle Whip and had the balls to march them goop-filled brunch snacks right up to a preacher, turning heads and causing a scandal:

There's the woman who pulls Miracle Whip out of the back seat of her car and marches to a tailgate party, like she's toting a shotgun and seeking revenge:

In this world, Miracle Whip is more than a thing you accidentally buy when you're trying to buy mayo -- it's a symbol of the counterculture. People stare in terrified awe of someone holding a jar of Miracle Whip. They're dangerously unpredictable rebel/renegade loose cannons with a death wish and nothing to lose. Anyone in possession of Miracle Whip is the Punisher.

The trend had to have started somewhere. So in the history of this alternate America, there had to have been a counterculture icon that proudly, unabashedly ate Miracle Whip. It could have been Hunter S. Thompson bringing Miracle Whip along during his infamous trip to Las Vegas, or maybe Allen Ginsberg and the rest of the beat poets sipped Miracle Whip in New York beatnik coffeehouses. Whoever it was, someone converted a sandwich spread into something to fear, and not because of salmonella.

Miracle Whip can also be a kind of secret handshake among those in the know:

Here, Miracle Whip is saying their product is a challenge. The cook plops the goop into some coleslaw and stares down the bearded guy. Bearded guy accepts the challenge and ups the ante -- he puts that coleslaw inside the burger. The cook is impressed. Bearded guy isn't just a poseur -- he's one of us. It's like when two guys with cuts and bruises on their faces slightly nod, acknowledging each other as members of the fight club. It's not like he made him eat a ghost chili pepper or something truly challenging. I guess people in this world are so goddamn bland that, to them, Miracle Whip is fucking exhilarating.

#1. M&M'S: A Candy Genocide

They speak, they walk, they think, they feel, they have sass -- the anthropomorphic M&M'S are everything just short of human. Maybe they're the next stage of human evolution? Maybe they're the product of a ghastly scientific experiment? The only thing I know is that Earth has candy-people walking on it, and humans can barely contain their insatiable lust for their chocolaty people-meat. They live among us. They walk our streets. We are friendly to them. But humanity is killing them off in large numbers. It's genocide. We kidnap M&M-persons, imprison them illegally, and then gorge on their flesh, as seen here:

Under the cloak of darkness, the shady global elite kidnaps them, chops them to pieces, and consumes their flesh at lavish gatherings:

All the M&M'S want is to be loved and cared for and appreciated and accepted like any other human. They want everything shown in the first 30 seconds of this ad ...

... but everything in the second half of the video is their disturbing reality. Imagine if some psycho tried to eat you every single day, and the only thing they'd feel guilty about afterward is how they cheated on their diet. It's no wonder that, at the 47-second mark of the video, the red M&M is shell-shocked and curled into the fetal position, repeating the words "Happy thoughts happy thoughts happy thoughts happy thoughts." The slogan at the end of that ad, "Chocolate's better with M," reveals that "M" stands for "murder."


Can M&M'S contemplate suicide as a quick escape from the pain?

There seems to be an undiscussed understanding that while M&M'S are basically humans with a candy-coated shell, they don't have the same rights as humans. In this commercial, the brown female M&M tries to get life insurance but is rejected by the Geico gecko:

That lizard son of a bitch reasons that she's "a delicious piece of chocolate," and that "Geico only insures humans." This means the Geico gecko isn't on the company health plan and has been brainwashed by his corporate overlords into thinking the only lives worth insuring are human lives. And since this commercial confirms that the M&M'S and Geico's 7,000 mascots exist in the same universe, the Geico talking pig, the Geico cavemen, and the Geico talking camel are also being discriminated against by the company that employs them. Just below humanity's candy-coated shell of tolerance of sentient non-humans is a sweet chocolate layer of disdain that surrounds a peanut of hate.


Luis is using a slave force of thousands of talking bubble gum people to film a bubble gum commercial. In the meantime, you can find him on Twitter and Tumblr.

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