Cracked Columnists

4 Hilarious Scenes Left Out of Comic Book Movies

Conventional nerd wisdom says that the more Hollywood changes a comic book they're adapting, the greater the amount of balls it's going to suck. Look at movies like Catwoman, Constantine, or LXG -- they all made inexplicable changes to the source material, and according to Box Office Mojo's stats, each of them sucked over 75,000 donkey balls (Wikipedia's "List of Films by Most Donkey Balls Sucked" page says LXG sucked a record-breaking 101,837, but the claim is unsourced).

But, despite being a well-documented nerd, even I have to admit that sometimes, even if the original comic is a classic, the changes are for the best. There are things that the comic book medium can pull off which simply wouldn't work on the big screen, mainly because comics can get silly as fuck, you guys. Here are some scenes that I'm glad exist in comic book form, but I'm thankful they didn't get adapted.

#4. The Avengers -- Loki Is Defeated by Ants

What They Got from the Comics:

The basic plot of The Avengers (the 2012 movie) is the same as The Avengers #1 (the 1963 comic), give or take some explosions and Galaga references: Loki, Thor's brother and the god of trickery, manipulates a bunch of superheroes as part of an evil plan, thus causing them to band together and kick his ass.

Marvel Comics
"I am bad at evil plans."

Despite spending a big chunk of the plot punching each other instead of the villain, the superheroes decide to stay together as the Avengers. As in the movie, the team in the comic is composed of Iron Man (back when he was chubbier and completely yellow), Hulk, Thor, and Captain Ame-

Marvel Comics

Wait, who the fuck is this joker?!

What They Left Out:

That joker is Ant-Man, named like that because he has the "power" of shrinking to the size of an ant. Beside him is his assistant/love interest, The Wasp, who also turns tiny but at least gets some wings in return. Ant-Man, on the other hand, has to get around by using exploited ants as skis. I can see why they left him out of the movie: He would have been even less useful than Hawkeye and Black Widow during the big fight scene in New York.

Marvel Studios
"Hey, where's An- whoops."

Despite being universally recognized as the leader and soul of the team, Captain America doesn't show up until issue #4 ... but the thing is, they don't really need him in the fight against Loki, because Ant-Man saves the day. Actually, that's not accurate: Ant-Man's ants save the day. Just regular ants that he talks to, the way Aquaman talks to aquatic animals. How do the ants save the day? Well, at the end of the comic the heroes think they've got Loki cornered, but he turns himself radioactive and starts killing them (which was a thing he could have done at any point, apparently). The mighty Avengers are completely at the mercy of Loki. The team is over before it even started.

That's when the ants open a trapdoor under Loki, drop him into some sort of furnace, and lock him inside.

Marvel Comics
While Ant-Man helpfully commentates on what they're already doing.

At this point, Thor probably invited the ants to join the Avengers, but they were too busy ruining someone's cereal, so the team settled for that Ant-Man assclown. Am I being too hard on the little guy? Probably, but I have to make fun of him while I can before Edgar Wright and Paul Rudd make him cool in his upcoming movie (though I should have learned my lesson after my ill-fated 2007 article, "7 Reasons Why Iron Man Is Stupid and No One Likes Him and Never Will").

It Gets Sillier:

Another big difference between the Avengers movie and comic? I'm pretty sure the movie skipped the part where Hulk tries to go incognito and joins a circus masquerading as a robot clown juggling horses and elephants.

Marvel Comics
"Yes, no one will look at me twice now. I am great at secret identities."

#3. The Dark Knight Rises -- Bane and Batman Become Bros

What They Got from the Comics:

The Dark Knight Rises, that long-ass Christopher Nolan movie with dramatic music in every scene (you know, the one with Michael Caine in it?), is based on several Batman comics storylines, but mainly the one where a big guy called Bane shows up in Gotham City one day and breaks Batman's back.

DC Comics
"Hey there, what's your gimmick? Bring any henchmen toda- ARGH!"

Batman spends several months recuperating abroad until his spine basically fixes itself and he's ready to resume his Batmanning. Eventually he beats Bane in a rematch and then Bane dies, obviously, because there's no more use for the character anymore.

What They Left Out:

Wait, no. That's in the movie. In the comics Bane survives and, having no idea what to do with the character now, the writers said "fuck it" and came up with a plot where he thinks he might be Batman's little brother.

DC Comics
They even got a portrait made in the style of the poster for Step Brothers.

See, that's what happens in comics when a character specifically created for one storyline is allowed to hang around for years and years: His plotlines get increasingly silly until they reach soap opera-esque proportions. In this case, Bane goes on a long quest to find out who his father was, until one day he comes across a photo of his mom with some guy called Dr. Thomas Wayne. As in Thomas "Let's Take a Shortcut Through This Dark Alley, It Looks Really Safe" Wayne, father of Bruce. Alfred confirms that Batman's dad did visit the island where Bane grew up, roughly nine months before his birth, to provide the locals with his special brand of "medical relief."

DC Comics
"Also, one time, he fucked a penguin. Wonder what happened to that ugly kid."

So how does Batman react to one of his biggest enemies making a claim like that? By punching Bane in his shriveled, steroid-filled balls and throwing him out of the city he once threatened to destroy with a clean-energy-device-turned-nuclear-bomb, right? Nope: He lets Bane stay at Wayne Manor, lends him a batmobile, and takes him out on patrols like he's courting a new Robin. To be fair, Bane did chill out considerably during this period, and even started calling himself Wayne. Just Wayne. Wayne who likes to party.

DC Comics
Party on, Bane.

Of course, a few issues later the DNA test Bane and Batman ordered comes back negative, and Bane goes off to continue his dadquest. But the damage is done: He isn't quite so intimidating after you've seen him in a polo shirt.

It Gets Sillier:

More-recent storylines have Bane discovering his tender side and trying his hand at romance -- which is completely awesome, actually, but try to imagine the following dialogue in Tom Hardy's muffled voice:

DC Comics
You'll know you did it correctly if you never feel aroused ever again.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Maxwell Yezpitelok

  • Rss

C

More by Maxwell Yezpitelok:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

517 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!