Men With Kids Look Suspicious: 4 Realities Of Dating A Mom

When I was in college, I started dating a woman with a 3-year-old daughter, whom we'll call "Awesomeface Metalsplosion." Evidently not content with the stress of working part-time, going to school full-time, and barely clinging to a passing grade point average, I decided to take on the task of part-time parent as well. Acclimating to being responsible for a tiny human was, naturally, one Benny Hill-esque misadventure after another, but, looking back, there are still things that surprise me even now ...

#4. Disciplining The Kid Will Be More Traumatizing For You

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Even though kids look like miniature people, they actually come with a completely different set of rules, not all of which are immediately obvious. For instance, it is perfectly acceptable to tell an adult who is being obnoxious to knock that shit off before you set their head on fire, but doing so to a child can be a grievous breach of etiquette, which is unfortunate considering that a child is far more likely to need to be told to knock that shit off, cranial arson pending. Nonetheless, it's best to sidestep that landmine and just avoid disciplining other people's kids.

But when you're dating someone with kids, it's a topic you're going to have to deal with sooner or later. We tried broaching it at the beginning of the relationship, but we didn't get very far, because it's an awkward topic. The only thing we decided was that when it came to spanking, we would [redacted to prevent pro- or anti-spanking comment shitstorm]. In theory, if Awesomeface Metalsplosion was there, my girlfriend would be too, so there was no need for me to take the reins right away, thus solving the problem forever.

Christopher Robbins/DigitalVision/Getty
And when mom isn't around? It's man time.

That is, until the night my girlfriend had to do a class project and her mom wasn't able to watch Awesomeface. My girlfriend left a thorough and detailed schedule, a list of what she could eat, and who to call in the event Metalsplosion was poisoned, stabbed, sucked into a TV, or Flight Of The Navigatored, but she was crucially silent on what to do if I had to lay the law down. And, like a velociraptor testing the fence, Awesomeface Metalsplosion could sense the weakness in my authority; when it came time for bed, she staged a coup that I had to brutally put down (by raising my voice).

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"This is just like how Stalin started!"

She ran off to bed crying while I went into the kitchen and prayed for all the oceans of Neptune to cleanse my hands. I felt terrible, like I had somehow deceived her by pretending to be "cool guy that hangs around mom" for the last few weeks, only to suddenly transform into "douchebag authority figure" without warning. Even though my girlfriend laughed at my anguish and told me not worry about it, it still gnawed at me all night long.

But my girlfriend was totally right. The next morning, Awesomeface woke me up at the ass-crack of dawn like she always did so that we could eat cereal and watch Phineas And Ferb together. It hadn't left a mark on her at all -- she was used to adults putting their foot down. By that point, she had already seen dozens of grown-ups (aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.) make the transition from "friend" to "parent-like adult." She had known it was coming and that it didn't mean we had to stop having fun together. In other words, she was far more prepared for this relationship than I was.

Disney Television Animation
"Pull yourself together, man. We've got cartoons to watch."

#3. You End Up Straddling Two Worlds At Once

James Woodson/DigitalVision/Getty

Something experienced parents always like to trumpet is that rookies have no idea what they're in for. But no matter how jarring the transition into parenthood is, you at least have a few months' warning that things are going to change (I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant contestants/stars/rubes notwithstanding). When I met my girlfriend, I was a junior in college living in a house with four other dudes, and my most valuable possessions were my computer, my guitar, and my car, in that order. Then, quite suddenly, I was partly liable for another human being, and all that shit seemed pretty insignificant. The truly shocking thing is that society looked at a guy who had, up to that point, spent his weekends getting drunk and playing Red Alert 2 with his roommates (engineering students throw the wildest parties) and decided that he was qualified to be a part-time parent on no basis other than he was hooking up with a mom.

And so I started living a double life. One weekend, while Awesomeface Metalsplosion was with her dad, my girlfriend and I would be playing Super Smash Bros. and doing body shots on our kitchen counter. The next, we would be playing ponies and sneaking off for a quickie as soon as Awesomeface went down for her nap. At first, my girlfriend enjoyed the off weekends because she'd had her child when she was 18 and had never gotten a decent college experience. As time went on, however, the dichotomy between the college party world and the responsible adult world started causing problems.

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"So, does this count as a balanced breakfast?"

Parents find out that once they have kids they start to drift away from childless friends. Even though my girlfriend might have enjoyed a short respite from parental life, she still had far more in common with other people with kids than she did with a bunch of sleep-deprived college students. Since virtually all of her friends were parents, she had gotten used to being able to bring Awesomeface with her wherever she went. I, on the other hand, flatly refused to allow her to bring a child to the house while my roommates were there. As adorable as she might be, she was still a little girl and thus prone to tantrums, something I was not going to subject my roommates to while they were studying or relaxing. Likewise, my roommates couldn't grasp it when I had to bail on plans because my girlfriend needed me to watch Awesomeface.

As much as I tried to keep one foot in my old life, I could see myself drifting from it as time went on -- and this was with having a kid only every other weekend. You eventually realize that committing to someone with kids might mean saying farewell to your friends a lot sooner than you ever anticipated.

Design Pics/Design Pics/Getty Images
You trade shotglasses for tiny teacups so gradually,
you might not even notice.

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