Cracked Columnists

4 'Geek Humor' Books by Authors Who Understand Neither

#2. 101 WACKY Computer Jokes (1998) by J.B. & G.C. Stamper

What did the elf put on the Internet? A gnome page. I wish I could take credit for that joke, but it's one of many outstanding plays on words contained in 101 WACKY Computer Jokes. This book set out to prove that laughter is the best medicine by killing every pediatric patient it comes in contact with. How unfunny is this book? Well, did you know that when you start talking about computers, the words "virus," "mouse" and "terminal" suddenly have more than one meaning? The authors of this book did, and when they aren't sucking at drawing, they're busy thinking that's hilarious.

This would have been funnier if they just kept the non-joke answer: Eskimo hepatitis.

Look, if you're two stupid assholes with no standards writing a book of computer jokes, we know you have to do some kind of wordplay involving the Escape key. It's just sitting right there staring at you while your fetal alcohol hands paw at the keyboard. But J.B. and G.C. Stamper, you imbecilic wastes of life, this is maybe the crappiest, sloppiest Escape key joke you could have made. You slothful, depressing fucks. Look at what you've done. You're so lazy you'd shit into your own hand before you got up and went for a second piece of chocolate cake.

Wow, this Escape key joke is actually worse. I'm not an expert on religion, but shouldn't words this profane combust when they make contact with air? J.B. and G.C., you apathetic bitches, you have less respect for your readers than the ice cream man drugging their snow cones.

Out of respect for 101 WACKY Computer Jokes' brave decision to include no cleverness or comedy, I'll simply say that reading this is like being anal fungus.

If you have any sense of humor at all, that joke should appear as a pile of rats devouring the person you love best.

I didn't edit this. This is page 71 in its entirety. On the three pages after this, J.B. and G.C. managed to come up with only four more outrageously computerized presidents: Abmodem Lincoln, John Quincy Apples, Warren G. Harddrive and William MouseKinley. Comedically, that translates roughly into: liver tumor, miscarriage, shrieking miscarriage and miscarriage fashion show. Nobody is worse at their job than J.B. and G.C. Stamper. This book has cost me my ability to make sense, so here: If you laid under a cow and spit milk up into it for 30 years, you would be a better dairy farmer than J.B. and G.C. are comedy writers.

#1. PAC-MANIA! The Official Pac-Man Joke Book (1982) by Haller Schwarz

Forget about all those unauthorized Pac-Man joke books. This is the official Pac-comedy collection, and I don't want to let you go into this unprepared: PAC-MANIA! is a tragedy of unimaginable proportions. About a quarter of the "jokes" are the exact same puns from the other Pac-Man joke books. If two people hold this book at the same time, their eyes go black and each receives a vision of himself killing the other. These visions always come true.

Most of this book is Pac-Man acting out idioms like this. There's usually no attempt at making these funny, so I think this might have started as a textbook for further confusing non-English speakers.

"Here's some paper and crayons, Haller. Now, can you make me a picture of what happened on your birthday party that makes you scream at night?"

"Haller, I know this is hard. I really need you to try to draw the man who did this to you."

Oh, snap. I'm glad I'm not Pac-Man's mother-in-law right now.

W-what am I looking at? What could this be other than murder and cannibalism?

Are you sure that's tobacco? That lump looks suspiciously close to the size of the dinner guest that Pac-Man betrayed earlier.

I guess we know how Pac-Men call each other the N-word now.

You know a children's joke book is special when it stops in the middle to watch Pac-Man die.

Ha ha ha ha ha! This one is pretty good!

Seanbaby invented being funny on the Internet with Seanbaby.com. Awesome people follow him on Twitter.

For more of his video game articles, please enjoy Understanding the World of Warcraft Using Super Mario Brothers and The 10 Most Perverted Old School Video Games.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Seanbaby

  • Rss

More by Seanbaby:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

1,213 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!