#2. The Experts Say: Use Verbal Cues to Imply They're the Ones Seducing You
This technique works by you saying several small, clever things that plant the idea that your friend is the one who likes you, and you simply thought you were just friends, but now they're starting to win you over. And by doing this, and just wanting it to work so bad, it will somehow actually work. It's basically the Jedi mind trick of pick-up artists and has at the very minimum given me a lot of great ideas for my next piece of Star Wars fan fiction.
How many Stormtroopers woke up in Obi-Wan's cave with no clear memory of how they got there? Check next week's column to find out.
How It Works in Reality:
As someone who's pretty sure that thousands of people secretly want to sleep with me, I find this pretty far-fetched. The idea that I could be tricked into liking someone by something so flimsy is actually kind of insulting.
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Still, no one's dumb enough to fall for this, and if you actually try it, you're several times more likely to just annoy your friend than seduce them.
Better Idea: Repeat Everything They Say in a Sing-Songy Voice
This is probably the single fastest way out of the friend zone I can conceive of. Seriously, if you can keep this up for five minutes at a time (it's harder than it sounds), you'll be short a friend, or even stabbed to death, before you know it!
(shrilly) "You're a fucking infant!"
"I'm calling the police!"
(shrilly) "I'm calling the police!"
#1. The Experts Say: Stop Being So Nice
The dating advice world is practically drowning in advice for "nice guys." These are dudes who self-identify as "nice" (and not much else) and conclude that their lack of romantic success is related to their niceness (and not the fact that they're not much else).
"If only I was a boring asshole instead."
Endless variations of "be less nice" appear in these friend zone extrication guides. Depending on how utterly seedy the advice guide you're reading is, this can even include the utterly awful practice called "negging" in which you direct petty insults and slights at your ... you know, let's just put "friend" in quotation marks now, OK? By doing this, you'll make this poor person feel worse about themselves, which makes you look better by comparison, which will help you slide your way into their bed on a slick of your own oiliness.
How It Works in Reality:
Fuck you, that's how well it works. Making every interaction into a bizarre AXE-scented minefield of insults and verbal traps is a terrible way to make someone like you. You don't deserve happiness, you awful abomination.
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"Did those pants shrink?"
Better Idea: Set Yourself on Fire
This trick needs a bit of prep work. First, casually ask your special friend if he/she would like to go on a "non-date" to one of your favorite sources of sparks or open flames.
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"You mean you've never been to the foundry? We simply must go!"
There, because you'd previously applied an entire can of body spray to your horrible self, you'll quickly combust and melt like a Nazi.
Congratulations on finally escaping the friend zone. I wish you the best of luck in your future non-life, trying to trick other ghosts into "like" liking you.