4 Flawed Life Lessons Movies Accidentally Taught Us
#2. Awful People Will Someday Realize They Are Awful
The Offenders:Return of the Jedi/Serenity/3:10 to Yuma/American History X
The only thing we love more than watching a movie villain die is watching a movie villain repent, and in the case of Darth Vader, both at the same time. Films offer us the gratification of seeing shitty people finally realize how shitty they've been and then start to feel bad about it, or, if they were being shitty on purpose, we at least get to see them fall from high-rises.
"I regret nothing!"
This reckoning happens with such frequency in film that we subconsciously start to expect it from our own lives. It feels like one of those rules life has to adhere to if it's ever going to make any sense. It's the foundation behind every occurrence in fiction of Peter standing at the pearly gates checking a list to see who's allowed in the club. While movies may not have invented it, they certainly perpetuated the idea.
Sadly, the depressing truth is that awful people will likely go on being awful forever. While we expect school bullies to have their comeuppance one day, or for arrogant people to finally feel some shame, these things rarely happen because life isn't actually that satisfying. Worse, not everyone operates on the same scale of ethics. There are millions of detestable people out there right now who can justify every miserable thing they do. Even if you had the opportunity to sit them down and explain why they are objectively shitty, they wouldn't understand your position, and there's also a good chance they would try to poke you in the eye. So even though we sit seething and waiting for coworkers, exes and eye pokers the world over to finally have the moment of introspection we've been hunting for since the fourth entry on this list, that day may never come. Sorry. So now the alternative is figuring out how to get them up to the top floor of a high-rise.
#1. If a Relationship Can't Fulfill Every Need in Your Life, It's Doomed
The Offenders:Blue Valentine/The Break-Up/Little Children/The Good Girl/The Notebook
We've discussed before how miserable movies are at doling out advice on finding love, but they're even worse at teaching us how to keep it. For any romantic movie that starts with a happy couple, it's almost guaranteed that they will be dating or married to other people by the credits. Audiences are only interested in the beginnings and endings of relationships, not all the tedious good times in the middle. The consequence, however, is that filmmakers are then stuck in the position of tearing a couple apart in the same movie where they're trying to point out the power of love. The solution: The newly found love in the story has to be superior in every conceivable way so that audiences will say, "Yes, of course, that's what a relationship is really supposed to be."
Real love only exists in torrential rains.
That sets a dangerous precedent for real-world relationships, though. No one is living out that lustful, unstoppable, consistently passionate version of love endorsed by films because we have to live it for a lot longer than 90 minutes and that would be exhausting. Real relationships are hard and ugly sometimes. They are filled with petty, asinine fights where people say regrettable things, but according to every movie about love, that's a sure sign the relationship is a few short scenes from ending in flames. We are not the Jacks and Roses from Titanic or the Noahs and Allies from The Notebook, because no one is. In fact, just about every couple is more accurately represented by the doomed relationships they abandon in the middle of the movie. According to film logic, you are the antagonist in your significant other's love story. We all are.
@ number 4: Thank you, Soren. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Somebody finally said it. That's one of two movie cliches that I kind of want to stop seeing, the other being that long-distance relationships never work out, *ever* (somebody cheats, they grow apart, etc.).
ReplyI don't agree with number four... Well, not the way it's explained here. I don't get when characters are content with their lives and then feel that's not enough, but then I also hate the reverse where a character works hard or a promotion and then says f**k it at the end and returns to life before they were successful. Like The Devil Wears Prada... Her friends weren't very supportive of her working hard, and in the end she quit. A lot of movies suggest success won't bring you the happiness of good friends and family, but that isn't the answer to everyone's problems ad it's a lousy message. Sometimes you have to miss your son's school play to operate on dying man... Your family shouldn't fault you or doing your job and guilt you into a lower job position! But it happens in movies all the time.
ReplyAnd with Knocked Up, he was happy with his life but was living off a court settlement that had nearly run dry, so he had no future and probably wouldn't be happy when that well went dry in under a year... So that seemed like an odd example to me.
I wish this article had been longer :(
And goddamn iPads don't like to type out full words...
Isn't it creepy how well the ads on cracked match up with the articles?? The end of this article: In fact, just about every couple is more accurately represented by the doomed relationships they abandon in the middle of the movie. According to film logic, you are the antagonist in your significant other's love story. We all are.
Replyand then an ad that says "So are these women" and has an ad for Cougar Life. com O.O
Soren, I hate the fact that I can no longer read your articles without seeing your pretty headshot from the L.A. article
Reply"#1. If a Relationship Can't Fulfill Every Need in Your Life, It's Doomed"
Reply5 words: How I Met Your Mother
I often view Soren Bowie's articles as hit or miss but this one actually hit home on alot of different topics. Great Article sir!
Reply"In the real world, everyone thinks they're the protagonist."
ReplyEveryone should remember this. You know you're crazy-lovable sidekick friend? Yeah, to him YOU'RE the Skeeter.
I don't think I'm the protagonist.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI think I'm the person with the plot coupon who's going to help out the main character and then die immediately afterwards, but maybe I'll get lucky and become a support character! Of course then I might die in the sequel, but whateves.
hey at least u'll probably get a montage or maybe even a flashback just when the protaganist needs you the most
you can be jamie kennedy from scream, I call dibs on being Henry Winkler
It's always been my goal to be the MacGuffin.
i think #1 is why there's so much bitching about not being able to find "the one". f**k that. there isn't a "one". find someone who makes you basically happy most of the time and you've hit the jackpot. there are going to be s****y parts in every relationship. there are s****y parts in every aspect of life. stop looking for that magical, perfect person and you'll be a helluva lot happier.
Reply#1 is incredibly annoying... And I can definitely see #2 since karma doesn't seem to affect a lot of people.
ReplyI don't really understand the photo with the segway and the dead bicyclists, though. Looks like something out of a M Night Shymalan movie.
#1 is the most annoying thing.
ReplyGreat article! :)
ReplyGreat article. I like how Soren Bowie calls bullshit on all the life lessons perpetuated by Hollywood films, especially #2. Awful people NEVER change.
ReplyExcept when they get sober, or religious, something, and become self-righteous, which usually results in them being even more awful then they were when they were just a douchebag.
Every act of evil that goes unpunished is just an indicator of a missed opportunity for retribution
Replyquoth the Unabomber's nephew...
I don't think I'm the protagonist. I think I'm the creepy-sleazy guy who's isn't the antagonist (except in /Office Space/) only because he isn't cool enough to be.
ReplyI'm not sure why I'm even in the movie most of the time (and a lot of the time I'm not, and only hear about it third-hand), but I'm glad those movies usually do include someone I can identify with.
You need some confidence in yourself man.
so you're the creepy mechanic guy the main characters leave the cheerleader with so they can go beat up Stuntman Mike?
Awesome article.
ReplyThose last sentences made me feel sad. Very sad.
ReplyBut it´s true, dammit.
@Parorou: You aren't alone.
At first, I was going to write a big article about how right this article was, and how I've used these viewpoints to help me win arguments, and explain myself, ad infinitum.
ReplyThen I took another look at it, and realized it was all just a fancy way of saying "I agree with this article."
So, I agree with this article.
I agree with this comment!
I wouldn't list Serenity. The Op tells Mal before the climax, "I'm a monster" (but a necessary one). He learns not that it's wrong to be evil – he already knew that – but that he was backing the wrong team.
ReplyThe number 2 issue is something that I always hated in movies . For example In the first Pirates movie, they go back to save Orlando Bloom, and in the process like 7 of the Navy people get killed. But no one says anything about them.
Reply