Cracked Columnists

4 Fashion Tips For Being Left Alone This Summer

#2.
Jeankini

Coming straight out of Brazil by way of Japan, the Jeankini combines the comfort and familiarity of jeans with the freedom and calm of complete and utter social ostracization. They call it the Jeankini, but don't think for a second that you can actually swim in these. I think they just did it because Jeankini sounds (slightly) better than "Jong" or "Horribly Misguided Trasheans." The Jeankini is really impressive, because it shows off more of a woman's butt than most pants, but not in a way that makes me want to have sex with or even talk to said woman. (Said woman can be you!)

It's so pointedly trashy it's almost offensive. I actually think the only reason it isn't offensive is because I don't know which party would have proper claim to the offense. Women can be angry because it's insulting, it looks uncomfortable and unflattering, and it has a migraine-inducingly stupid name. Men can be angry because it takes something wonderful (trampiness, most of a butt), and turns it into something cold and heartless (manufactured trampiness, not the best parts of a butt). Reserved people can be angry about its overt sexuality, sexual people can be angry about its total misunderstanding and misuse of sexuality. Everyone should want a piece of hating this.

Also it looks like the vagina might slip out as you walk. Seems like something that might bother some organization or another.

"I'm ... I'm sorry, ma'am, I'd love to keep chatting but I- I've seen everything. Just all of it."

DOB's the Fashion the Furious Advice: Buy this product if you just want to go out into the world without having to deal with the hassle of being hit on, talked to or looked at by guys everywhere. The Jeankini, in addition to looking like a Project Runway contestant's attempt to get on a government watch list, forces the wearer to liberally throw around the word "Jeankini" whenever talking about their day. I've done a lot of research into this topic, and I can say without bias that Jeankini is the most retardedly irritating portmanteau that has ever been coined (take that, bromance!). Your former friends will forever be heard talking about how much they liked that girl "before she started saying, wearing and associating herself with Jeankinis."

#1.
Those Friggin' Little Baby Hats

Here is who should wear tiny top hats:

-Action Figures;

-Baby Lords;

-Little Dogs Who Think They're Little People;

-A Man's Penis, For His Girlfriend or Wife's Birthday;

-Absolutely No One Else.

That's it. Those were the sacred and hilarious tiny top hat laws handed down to us by dapper hat scientists, and we all followed them until several months ago, when women all over the world decided "Hey, tiny hats! I want attention! Me! I'm an idiot!"

"Me! Look at me! Hat for me! Hat hat!"

It's not clear what these hats are actually intended for. Are they for women who are self-conscious about their tiny heads? Do they wear super small dick hats so their heads look larger in comparison? Is every woman who wears these hats actually covering up a little horn they don't want me to know about? Is it making some kind of statement? A statement like "I stole this hat from a Cabbage Patch doll in a tux," I guess?

We don't know. We'll never know. We just know that the perceived message is "I was dumb enough to spend real money on a hat that is both hideous and functionless, so I might be the kind of person who accidentally poops herself if you hang around me long enough. Does this tiny hat make my tiny hat look tiny? Hat hat hat!"

Fashianial Advice-brien's Buying Guide For This Clothing: When you wear something that's both hideous and useless, you can ONLY be wearing it for attention. The beautiful irony with tiny top hats, though, is that the quest for attention is so transparent that the rest of the world collectively decides to ignore you. We're not on board with your desire for attention, and we won't entertain it or validate your existence. For a woman who genuinely wears this hat for attention, this is a disaster, but for you, the woman who just wants everyone to get off her ass for a few months, tiny top hats are a golden opportunity. Buy one for every day of the week that you want the world to pretend you don't exist.

Enjoy these summer fashion tips and always remember:

"The blue eye can see what you dream about."


For more bad fashion ideas, check out 6 Popular Fashion Trends (That Killed People). And get more from Dan in What Andrew WK's Twitter Taught Me About Life.

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Daniel O'Brien

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