#2. Mark Zuckerberg -- Lord of the Rings Fanfic
The Council of Elrond gathers in silence, glancing at the ring as they sit, knowing that to own it would be to control the world. They have only to reach out and take it.
"Thank you for everyone for coming on short notice," Elrond begins. "We are faced with an unwieldy power in this ring. No man can posses it without the ring corrupting his soul. It wants to find its creator. It wants to find Sauron."
"Aye, and what if it does?" says Gimli.
"Sauron would take all of Middle-earth for his own, and rule over it for eternity," Aragon answers.
Legolas stands, "We have to destroy it. It is too powerful."
"Agreed," says Boromir. "Sauron must never be allowed to touch it."
"Wait. Wait a second guys." Gandalf, wisest of all men interjects. "This is going to sound crazy but maybe we should just give it to him."
"What? Give it to him? You mean like a gift?" Elrond asks.
"No. I mean, he did build it. It's rightfully his. He's really gotten a bad rap lately, but I'm not sure he totally deserves it."
"No man should have that much power," Legolas adds.
"Ehh, maybe," Gandalf offers. "But maybe he'd do good things with it. We don't know. Do we? Maybe he has some great things in mind for everyone. I mean, he already watches everything we do. He knows us."
Souls have no privacy settings.
Elrond thinks it over, "We have been really hard on him."
"That's true," Boromir looks to his feet, ashamed for saying such bad things about Sauron without really getting to know him first.
"I'm just saying we ought to give it a try. Maybe it will be fun, right? He might think of some really awesome things to do with all his power that we wouldn't have ever thought of alone. It could be like camp! Just one person in charge of everything."
"But what about his armies of orcs? And all the Ringwraiths? We hate them! Orrrrrcs!" Gimli yells like a sleeveless Ogre in a football locker room.
"Have you ever just sat down and talked to one of them? No, we just fight them all the time. We've treated them like outcasts their whole lives. Maybe we all just need to try to be a little more understanding. Maybe instead of stabbing them with swords, we should be stabbing them with kindness. We might even make some new friends."
Everyone starts to nod in agreement as they realize they don't even know what they've been fighting against this whole time. The council votes to offer the ring back to Sauron.
Sauron agrees to handle his overwhelming power with grace and poise. He is good to everyone even though he is stronger and smarter than all of them. He only kills the people who were really mean to him and no one cares because he's such a good ruler. He is the best leader Middle-earth has ever seen. Everyone says so.
#1. Oprah Winfrey -- Oprah Winfrey Fanfic
With the last joint soldered, Oprah flips up the protective mask and admires her creation. It's done, her time machine is complete. Sliding off her gloves, she sits back into her throne and sees only the potential in front of her. Still, there are a lot of safety issues to consider. It is dangerous to try right away, she ought to test it first on something inconsequential, but Stedman is in Florida for the weekend and he has been skittish about helping her with projects ever since the cloning fiasco.
"At what point does the reward outweigh the risk?" she asks herself knowing that if it's now, history will remember this day forever. She fantasizes not only of the past moments she intends to visit but of the future, when the world will have no choice but to take notice of her achievements, handsomely presented in a six-page spread of the August issue of O.
"C'mon Oprah, be honest with yourself," she says aloud. "Everyone always knew it would be you."
Decided, she stands and without any hesitation, climbs into the travel pod. All that accompanies her in the tiny chamber is a newspaper to prove she is from the future, a copy of The Kite Runner for the downtime and a 9mm pistol, just in case.
She sets the clock to 2005 and pulls the lever.
Dripping from head to toe with cleanliness, past Oprah steps out of the tub and into a bathrobe. She swipes at the water droplets that run down her naked body, tickling her stomach and inner thighs. Future Oprah steps from the shadows in the silence and reveals herself.
"Hello," she says. Her voice doesn't cut through the quiet so much as compliments it. Her tone is buttery, sensual and above all, baritone.
Past Oprah does not jump or startle. She pats herself dry and, when she is ready, turns to look future Oprah dead in the eye. "You could have gone to any point in history and you chose here, now."
"Yes. You know I had to. I made a promise to myself on this day, that if I ever invented time travel I would come back to this moment and ..."
Past Oprah glides over to future Oprah, never breaking eye contact. Her skin still fragrant from the bath. She puts a single finger to future Oprah's lips. "Shhh. I know. I know why you are here."
Without another word, they kiss. Gently at first, sweetly, like the sound of rain in the trees before it hits your face. Then, then the storm breaks and they soak one another in desire. The Oprahs push their bodies against one another, trying desperately to feel a sensation they've longed to feel their entire collective life. Their hearts, as if connected by a string, now feel the vibrations through the chord between them, playing a secret note of lust and longing that reverberates through their bodies and shakes them from their clothes. Together, on the cool tile floor of her immaculate bathroom, they love one another for 40 minutes.
Exhausted, past Oprah falls asleep nestled in her bathrobe. Future Oprah quietly dresses again and crawls back into her travel chamber. She has a lot of other visits to make, a lot of self promises to fulfill throughout time.
For disturbing scenes from fanficdom, check out The 5 Most Baffling Sex Scenes in the History of Fanfiction. Or get more from Soren in 8 Letters from the Elementary School Where I Guest Lectured.