4 Embarrassing Ways Most People Would Die in an Apocalypse

Not so long ago, Cracked addressed some of the major issues your average Hollywood apocalypse overlooks, and one of the big ones was the frailty of our current society. If the world collapses, millions of people are going to die, and not at the hands of zombie armies or alien overlords, but from lack of antibiotics, insulin, dialysis, and basic healthcare. Our entire existence is a house of cards right now, and if some chucklefucker from the 5th dimension beams in and zaps out the bottom layer, we're going to be screwed in so many more ways than you ever dreamed of when Skynet tried to nuke everyone so that the world could be a peaceful graveyard full of Schwarzeneggers that stand around and look menacing, or whatever it is that Skynet's endgame was.

See, you're not going to live to be killed by an advanced T-1000. That's utterly preposterous. And no one will even have time to zombify, probably. You've got a whole mess of other issues to look out for that are probably going to kill you and yours before anyone can even declare the apocalypse official.

#4. Poop Attack

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I couldn't find definitive stats for deaths per year on the toilet. People are probably overdosing and having strokes and heart attacks on the crapper all the time, but the official cause of death rarely includes the location, so who's to know? What I do know is that, when the world ends, the shitter will be your tomb.

Very few apocalypses (henceforth apocalii) result in a peaceful and pastoral sort of setting wherein you just have a lot more time alone to enjoy nature. Most result in madness, chaos, and studded leather. Plus facial hair that never gets to a length ladies find gross.

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"Those with spotty growth were the first to be eaten."

Odds are that most of your future diet in the apocalypse is going to be pretty rancid. If you recall, Mad Max was sharing old dog food with his cattle dog. You're going to have maybe a week or two of bliss with cans of soup and Entemann's, and then the shit is hitting the fan. The fresh food will all be spoiled, the good cans will all be gone, and you'll be trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle of running in a mad panic from zombies and robots while full of raw ramen noodles and walnut paste.

That hot dysentery is going to be so steamy and uncomfortable. And eventually it's going to come right in the middle of a running-for-your-life session, and no matter how fast you think you can run while expelling expired butter chicken sauce and pickled egg shits down your thighs, it's not going to be fast enough.

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They're called the runs for a goddamn reason.

Modern man is simply not equipped -- physically, mentally, intestinally -- to be throttled back in time to an age when people ate whatever shit they found on the ground that wasn't trying to eat them. Your soft innards expect freeze-dried flakes of potato that can be reconstituted with butter and water, not the leather uppers of old shoes and discarded coffee grounds. No, the apocalypse won't need to spend a lot of effort in those first few months at all.

#3. Complete Lack of Skills

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So what are you good at? I like to think I'm a well-rounded guy. I can do some basic plumbing and electronics, change a car tire, build things from wood (with appropriate tools), cook, identify a number of edible plants, fish, track animals to a fair degree, do your taxes for you, masturbate no matter how tired I am, and drink until I forget all those things for a period of 3-12 hours. If the world ended Sunday, I'd probably be done in by Friday.

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"He died doing the two things he did best: jacking it."

Our world today exists to teach you a thing. We actually strive to perfect, or at least satisfactorily master, one thing. You are a baker. A mechanic. Fleshlight model. Whatever. That is your thing that you contribute. And in a world of seven billion, that's awesome, because we all fit in a hole, especially those fleshlight people.

In a post-apocalyptic world, the fact you can bake a bumbleberry pie is so useless that you should be shot on principle. You need awesome skills in the post apocalypse. But you don't have them. Everyone in Walking Dead is awesome at everything, or they die when they get too much screen time as a reminder to others to stop being useless. Remember Beth? She was so useless until she learned some new skills, which served only to remind the audience that nothing lasts forever in the cold zombie rain. And so she was expunged. This sort of carries over to a real-life situation, only instead of surviving for several seasons in the background, Beth would have just died right away due to a lack of ability to contribute much of anything. That's not even Beth's fault; most people have no productive skills.

AMC Studios
"I have the ability to be carded for alcohol for until I'm 45; can that be of assistance?"

As time passes in the post-apocalyptic world, those devoid of skill are going to desperately need to latch onto those who have them, or simply wither and die like shitty grapes on the vine when they can't find or prepare food, can't make shelter, can't protect themselves, or can't master the trapeze, assuming it's some kind of trapeze-based apocalypse. And let's be honest, most of us aren't good marksmen -- how many of us have ever even shot a gun or a bow and arrow? Most of us don't have street fighting skills, or robot smashing skills, or the ability to outrun nuclear fallout. At the very least, you should learn guitar, about 100 good jokes, and a few simple but tasty recipes for canned food, so you can seem like an indispensable cog in the future machine while you still can.

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Felix Clay

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