4 Easy Steps to Becoming a Horror Movie Slasher

#2. Save the Best for Last

Elisanth_/iStock/Getty Images

So you have a reason of some kind for going after your particular set of victims, and sure, you'll kill extraneous fodder along the way, because people always walk into the room at the wrong moment and you'll need to corkscrew bat them to teach them to mind their p's and q's, but how do you decide who to kill first? I know this is counterintuitive, but there is a methodology to it, and it's simple: The person you want to kill most is the last person you try to kill. It seems dumb, I know, and when we get to the next part, about how you're going to fail before you even kill them, you'll wonder why you ever bothered in the first place, but hey, that's the way this shit works. If you could just go around killing people you wanted to kill right away, you wouldn't need a mask, a gimmick, or ramshackle plot details from movies written by drunks and ADD-afflicted insomniacs.

So, first things first. There's one person you really, really want to kill, so instead of that person, you'll kill their best friend or significant other. Then assorted friends, neighbors, and family members as befits your motivation until your main target is alone and panicked and maybe only has one other person for support, whom you will also kill just before it seems like you're about to kill your main target, at which point you will unfortunately have to die. You were so close, too! Shit, I'm sorry.

#1. Don't Be a Sore Loser

Michael Blann/Digital Vision/Getty Images

You're probably a little down in the dumps at this point, realizing that your main target somehow gets away at the end of this debacle and you did all the work just about for nothing because all the people you did kill you never really cared that much about anyway. Like, sure, it was fun and all, but it wasn't the most fun. It was like watching Terminator 3 when really it was Part 2 you were trying to find on Netflix the whole time.

Well, buck up, chum. Yes, you got within inches of murdering your main target, only to have them somehow turn the tables on you at the last second, but that's what has to happen. You can't let it get you down, though, because you now have one of two options. Are you excited? You should be!

Once it becomes clear you're dead or incarcerated, we can pick a path and follow it to its illogical conclusion. The first option is the 5 Minutes of Bliss option. You'll see this in movies like Final Destination and several Friday the 13ths. This is when you die and your victim gets to chill out and enjoy life for a maximum of five minutes, and then ohshityoudidn'tdie! Ha ha, you get to leap out of someplace that doesn't even need to make sense and actually kill the heck out of them just like you planned all along because you were wearing a bulletproof vest/are cursed/are immortal/are eternal evil/only got lightly grazed/are super resilient/had an evil twin/possessed another body or whatever the hell. You crafty bugger.

Gromovataya/iStock/Getty Images

One of us is evil, the other just has loose morals.

Option 2 is the sequel! Use this if the Halloween ending appeals to you. You're dead, you're on the lawn, everyone is relieved that they don't have to be murdered by you anymore, and just to prove that point, they'll go look at your body one last time and oh shit, son! Why isn't your corpse on the lawn? I'll tell you why: Because while all the cops and paramedics and neighborhood rubberneckers were standing around apparently watching dogs humping or a really cool fireworks display, the unstoppable killing machine that is you, that was laying on the lawn, just stood up and walked away with literally no one noticing. I know, it seems like that would never, ever happen, and that so many people would have to be so negligent for this to even be a possibility, but the tape doesn't lie. This happens in slasher movies constantly. It's like people can't wait to think they've killed you and then turn their back on your presumed corpse, confident that you will obviously still be there whenever they can be arsed to turn around and look at you again.

Naturally your disappearance will lead to at least one character looking mildly concerned and then, as we'll learn in the sequel, everyone shrugging it off, confident that what probably happened was your corpse was just carted away by skunks, or maybe you evaporated due to all the evil water you have built up inside you. Whatever the case, rest assured no one is going to bother looking for you, so you can come back in Part 2 and start murdering all over again. The only thing you need to be wary of is how this exact same formula will play out again, and inevitably the one person you really want to kill will still get away. It's a bummer, but you'll still have Part 3 to look forward to, so keep up the good work!

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Felix Clay

  • Rss

More by Felix Clay:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!