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4 Douches Who Amazingly Don't Seem to Know They Suck

#2. People Who Accelerate Not to Let You into a Lane

You ever try to merge into a highway or change lanes, check to make sure you have plenty of room, and still get honked by the guy who is now behind you? "Weird," you think. "That dude was like nowhere near me when I checked before merging." Well, what has happened here is that you are sharing the road with a douchebag. This is someone who saw you merging, was irritated that you had the audacity to enter the lane, and actually accelerated up to your car to make the merge look more dangerous, allowing him the privilege of honking you like you're the problem. I know this happens all the time, but it doesn't make the behavior any less ridiculous. If you do this to people, you're wrong. Period.

Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty Images
Is this you? No, because you're a much better actor than this tool? OK, fine I believe you.

Here's a helpful rule of thumb for those looking to honk people merging: If you have to step on the brake to prevent yourself from rear-ending someone entering your lane, then you can consider honking. After all, people have a right to enter roads and change lanes and it is possible to do so in a safe way that might still necessitate others adjusting speed. But yeah, if you have to brake, at least you have the beginning of an argument that you are not the douchebag. If, however, you feel the need to actually step on the gas and rush toward the one merging, you're not allowed to honk. Simple enough, right? Make sense? You don't care, do you? You want that lane. It's yours!

Not convinced? OK, try this: Get naked and stand in front of a full-length mirror. See how tiny your penis is? Oh, yeah, sorry, that's not meant to explain my logic, I just wanted to tell you how inadequate you are if you enjoy accelerating up to people who are merging and honking them.

#1. People Who Don't Accept Apologies for Tiny Accidents

Accidents happen. Sometimes they're caused by reckless people you can't forgive -- especially if that recklessness has caused great harm. Someone skateboards into the Met and spills his Red Bull all over a Van Gogh? Yeah, that's a big deal. But did you ever fuck up in a minor and totally innocent way and still seem unable to make it right? Like, I don't know, bump into someone in the street or take someone else's print job off the printer underneath yours? Y'know, little things that everyone does all the time simply because you're alive and live with other people. And if you're not a jerk, you just say, "Oh, I'm sorry," or "Oops, here you go," or whatever -- just something to convey that you accidentally inconvenienced another person in a minor, accidental way and you're sorry. Of course you have. You're not a monster. (Unless you're one of the douchebags I've already mentioned above. Then I have no idea what you do.)


Trust me. That was no bizarre, esoteric example. Van Goghs getting defaced with Red Bull happens like all the time.

But did you apologize for a small thing to someone who wouldn't accept it? The other day I was walking on a crowded New York City street when the young woman in front of me suddenly and abruptly slowed down while I was checking my email. As a result, I made a slight, unintentional contact with her. Specifically, I stepped on the very back of her flip-flop. Although you could argue that only a lunatic would expect to remain unscathed after suddenly halting in the middle of rush hour foot traffic, I promptly apologized. Something to the effect of "Oh, I'm sorry."

Her reaction: Silence, followed by the frowning of a lifetime and a head turn so indignant, you'd think I'd just sodomized her maternal grandmother. As she stormed off, I shouted, "I guess you don't accept my apology?" Know what she said? Nothing. Don't be stupid. No one talks to weird dudes who exclaim things in the middle of crowded city streets, but that's not the point. It was a harmless, tiny accident, promptly apologized for, and still, there was no pleasing this woman. That's why she earned the number one spot on this list. And why I'm planning on (consensually) sodomizing her grandma.



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