#2. Pee Dreams
You ever have that feeling when you're just barely asleep and you're falling? So you spasm like someone just kicked you across the room and realize no, you're not falling, you're just lying there. That's called a hypnic jerk. It's caused by all kinds of different things, from caffeine to stress to someone pushing you off a bed to vampirism. They don't have a cool name like that for pee dreams. Know what they call those? They call them "Gah, you pissed yourself."
Before you jump ahead of me, waiting for me to tell you a story about pissing myself, I'll have you know that I have never pissed myself. Once, I had some kind of crazy Middle-earth flu and hallucinated that I was dead and apparently shit myself in my sleep during a dream in which I was trying to jet propel myself up a mountain, but in my defense, even sitting up caused me to vomit at that point, and probably I transcended life or death for at least a few minutes there. But I didn't piss myself. But what's with those dreams?
One does not simply assume that this gesture means "butthole."
Some people have recurring dreams of being stalked by an unseen figure, or a traumatic event that they relive over and over again. I frequently dream that my life is interrupted by untimely bathroom breaks. I have to piss all the time in my dreams. It's like dream me has the tiniest bladder of all.
The sad thing is that most people have dreams about urination when they in fact have to urinate and they will occasionally foul up their cot next to the furnace as a result. None of that for me. A website I found about dream interpretation, which I assume was written by a panel of scholarly figures including the Dalai Lama, MIT super geniuses, Stephen Hawking and that gorilla that knew sign language, says that peeing in public in a dream means you are trying to establish your boundaries or a release of negative or repressed emotions. I can't imagine I have enough repressed emotion to spend so many nights pissing it away, but who am I to argue with a gorilla from MIT?
It's worth noting that the site also says that if you dream of someone peeing on you, then you are feeling an emotional burden from that person. This implies that your brain thinks emotional burdens are piss, which is funny. Good for you, brain. No one's ever pissed on me in a dream, but if they ever do, I'll keep that in mind. It's better than the alternative -- that I may be some kind of pee fan -- which I will be most unhappy to learn about. It'd be like finding out I have a secret foot fetish, which would also upset me greatly, because feet are weird.
#1. Ass Hand
At the risk of opening myself up to any number of off-color and terribly unwholesome jokes, I seem to put my hand in my ass a lot. Go on, take a second with it.
To clarify as best as I can, it's not like in my ass. Like not colon ass -- I'm not sleep fisting myself. Frankly, if I could fist myself and still stay asleep, I'd be concerned that I was actually Darkman or something, totally incapable of feeling pain. Or maybe Kick-Ass. Fist-Ass, I guess. No, rather than full-on penetration, I've just noticed that I occasionally wake up with my hand nestled between the cheeks, like maybe I needed to keep it warm. Or, conversely, my ass was too warm and I was trying to increase airflow. I can only speculate, because my other hand has refused to write notes on the whole process while I'm out.
To a lesser degree, I will sometimes wake up with just a really firm grip on my junk, as though I were dreaming about a band of junk-stealing miscreants in the neighborhood and I was trying to protect it. And it's not casually resting there, it's a full-on grip, like if you tried to wrestle it away from me you'd have to do some stretches first and get yourself psyched ahead of time because otherwise you're totally not going to win this battle. My junk will remain my own, sucka.
I tried to Google this and was displeased with my results and will not share them here. Suffice it to say that if you Google anything to do with holding a penis, the results are not particularly encouraging unless you're in a certain mood.
The only information I can find about sleeping with your hand in your butt comes from the movie Planes, Trains and Automobiles, in which John Candy sleeps with his hand in Steve Martin's ass, thinking it's pillows. Is it possible that since I enjoyed that movie (I did), I internalized that particular scene and have, ever since, been single-handedly (so to speak) recreating that scene periodically? Or is my hand possessed by John Candy? Both of those are stupid possibilities, please entertain neither one.
Science has devoted no time whatsoever to solving the mystery of what your hands are doing in your sleep, though I'm going to guess that the junk thing is just some sleep wanking because, you know, you're asleep, you may as well be doing something. If anyone reading this works in the fields of psychology or neurology and wants to conduct a sleep study to find out why and how hands get in asses in the wee hours of the morning, please forward me your results, and also name the study after me. For the rest of you, I fully expect to read comments about equally disturbing stuff you do in your sleep and/or erotic dreams you have about me.