4 Creepy Ways 'Pokemon' Changed Since You Stopped Playing

#2. The Unofficial Merchandise Is Ridiculous


If you went to school during the Pokemon craze, you inevitably knew a talented kid who could draw Charizard with his eyes closed. Well, those kids grew up to be artists, and Etsy and its ilk are letting them share what could generously be called their visions with the world. That's how we ended up with the Pokebra:

The perfect gift for the girlfriend you will never, ever have if you buy this.

The seller claims that this is the perfect product for showing off your nerdy side while still looking sexy. Then, without missing a beat, she reminds us that this bra is inspired by a hit children's franchise. You know, the one where pretty much every female lead is a child too young for a training bra, let alone something that shows off her sex appeal. I'm not saying adults shouldn't be allowed to enjoy Pokemon, but maybe don't try to sex up a series where the protagonists haven't been told about the Pidgeys and the Beedrills yet.

But for ladies who have gone through that very special time in their lives, how about this Pokemon menstrual pad?

If Pikachu knew what was going on, he wouldn't look so happy.

I'm less qualified to talk about menstruation than Carrie White, but I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to be a fun, light-hearted event where you bleed all over your favorite fictional characters to demonstrate your love for them. Sadly, it's no longer available, but if you really want to combine Pokemon with your vagina, don't despair. Two enterprising Berkeley students made Pokemon vibrators they dubbed Pokmemon, because making sex toys inspired by the monsters from a children's entertainment franchise apparently calls for lame puns and not psychiatric help.

At long last, you can masturbate with the help of a puffy pink fairy and a blue turtle.

The creators noted that they could find Hello Kitty vibrators, but no pocket monster pocket rockets. This is a situation they "felt the need to rectify," apparently without pausing to wonder if maybe there's a good reason Pokemon sex toys aren't readily available to get you through those lonely nights.

#1. The Really Hardcore Fans Became Perverts

The Pokemon Company

Everyone knew that one kid who was really into Pokemon. I mean, really, really, can list them all numerically and alphabetically into them. Well, guess what? They still love Pokemon. The only difference is that their love has turned physical. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my displeasure but duty to introduce you to the Pokegirl World Project.

Some very lonely people decided to take every Pokemon in existence and anthropomorphize them as teenage girls, and if you don't immediately see the problem with the concept of capturing girls, then that's probably something you've done in real life.

The Pokemon Company
To lessen the coming horror, every picture in this entry will be of a cute Pokemon. Aww, look at this little guy.

It's no surprise that people have masturbated to Pokemon. That's the Internet for you -- me and my 1TB drive of erotic Frasier fan fiction are in no position to criticize. But a project that admits to first being "largely about sex" has gone way further, plunging into an abyss from which few return with their minds intact.

They've taken their Pokegirls, with their creative names like Abslut and Moantwo, and built an entire world around them. They've assembled an encyclopedia that contains millions of words. There are descriptions of all 600+ Pokegirls, of course, which include fun facts like "No Boobisaur has ever been reported with anything less than a generous C cup." Then there's the history of their alternate universe and reams of fan fiction. Dear god, the fan fiction. There haven't been this many wasted words since Shakespeare was translated to Klingon.

The Pokemon Company
But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you, buddy?

Then they created rules, along with massive lists of items, attacks, and other gameplay elements, essentially constructing an entire Pokemon game that revolves around boning and only caters to a very specific category of pervert. They even came up with an elaborate mini-game they'll never be able to play when they need a break from not being able to play the main game they invented. They spend so many hours building their fake sex game, I'm not even sure if they have time to actually masturbate to it.

This all sounds horribly misogynistic, right? But don't worry, it's totally not sexist! Sure, Pokegirls may have erotic names, and all the descriptions of them emphasize their sexual attractiveness, and they all have "an impressive libido, and a natural psychology to submit to a master," and human "tamers" add Pokegirls to their "harem" by fucking them into submission, and when a Pokegirl is tamed she experiences "the mild mental trauma of accepting another as her master," and you can "correct" lesbian Pokegirls into becoming bisexual or heterosexual ... but women can be "tamers" too, so it's totally cool, you guys. That's not a joke, that's literally their argument.

The Pokemon Company
You know what else isn't a joke? How much I want to give this dude a great big hug!

So that obsessive fan you knew, the one who was a little weird but always happy to give you tips? He's probably masturbating to his Pokemon as you read this. And now that I've destroyed all of your fond childhood memories, would you like to trade Pokemon with me?

You can read more from Mark, and check out his erotic Pokemon fan fiction, at his website.

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