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If you've ever been to the Missed Connections section of Craigslist, you already know that it's a graveyard of lost opportunities. Unlike the protagonists in love stories, the people who post in Missed Connections had their shot at love and let it slip through their fingers. They didn't stop the perfect girl from getting on the train, they didn't have the courage to ask out the guy at the gym, they forgot to collect gallons of wolf semen from Mr. Right when they had the chance.

It's like Romeo and Juliet all over again.

Now they are desperately trying to reclaim it by blindly firing notifications into the ether in the hopes that the intended recipient happens to be scanning the killing fields of Craigslist at the same time. Sadly, it almost never works out.

But in the same way that these people will never be the protagonists of their own story, so too are there nonessential characters in movies who clearly suffer the same fate. Long after the happy endings in films, somewhere in their collective fictional universe is a group of unfulfilled, lonely people who had to suffer to advance the plot. In honor of them, I offer the Missed Connections they never got to write.

4
The Terminator

The Naked Man Who Committed Murder in Our Bar -w4m- 37

CL>Los Angeles>Missed Connections

Hello. You were in our establishment on Monday night during my shift. You were the guy who ordered nothing, broke our window, and killed another customer before stealing a motorcycle. We really didn't get much of a chance to talk. You seemed nice.

My boss and the other waitresses informed me later that you were naked the whole time, but I don't notice things like that. I'm more interested in character than the broadness of your chest, the cut of your jaw, the length of your penis, etc. For example, I could see that even though you used your bare hands to take another man's life, those same hands are capable of extraordinary gentleness, and that you never actually meant to kill anyone. I could just see it in you, in your heart. Everyone says I am very intuitive.

Now, I don't need to tell you that there was an undeniable spark between us right after you walked in, and just before you threw Sid onto the gas stove. Maybe you noticed me blushing. I'm generally kind of a wallflower. I never do things like this, I barely use the Internet at all, and I have no idea if you even know how to use a computer. But I've had a string of bad luck with not-so-great boyfriends lately, and I'm looking for a good guy like you. I work on Mondays, Wednesdays, and weekends. Please come back and see me.

PostingID: 99281456

3
The Shining

You Were Standing Outside My Hotel Room With a Knife -m4w- 35 (Overlook)

CL>Colorado>Missed Connections

Hey girl, I really hope you see this. I clocked you last Friday night around 10:45 wearing a bathrobe and a turtleneck outside my room (No. 245). I was the guy in the full dog costume (with the butt cut out), remember me? You and I made eye contact, and I don't think I'm crazy when I say it felt like we had a connection. We watched each other for well over 10 seconds, and I could tell that you had some other stuff going on, like maybe you had been crying over a guy or something. I'm not even trying to be a home wrecker or anything, but you were so beautiful, and I could have watched you all night, but you ran off with your knife before I had a chance to even ask your name. Oh, hey, what was the deal with that knife, anyway? Do you always carry it? (Not a deal breaker.)

I was thinking that maybe I freaked you out somehow, and I understand if it looked like a weird exchange was about to transpire in my room. See, I was staying in that room with my buddy, Derwent. He was the guy dressed as a guy (but old). I realize now that it may have seemed, from your perspective, like I was getting ready to pack his grease piece inside my cheek, but that's not what we were doing (lol). First of all, my mask didn't even have a hole in the mouth area, so that kind of thing would have been logistically impossible (obviously). Second of all, we were just showing each other some new MMA moves and I tackled him onto the bed (for safety) when you walked up. That's all. I won't pretend like it wasn't a crazy night or like everyone wasn't partying hard throughout the hotel (some kid was running around all by himself!), but it was all pretty innocent.

Oh, and if you were mad about all that blood in the elevator, Derwent and I had nothing to do with that. I, for one, think whoever was responsible is completely immature and inconsiderate. I'm sorry you had to take the stairs, and if I ever find out who it was, I wouldn't think twice about showing him my MMA moves for real (not on a bed [my arms and thighs are technically registered weapons]). My name is Roger, look me up on Facebook!

-it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 32292456

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2
Fight Club

The "Smoking" Hot Lady at Group -m4w- 30 (First Methodist)

CL>Iamjackscity>Missed Connections

You were the brunette at the group meeting last night. You had one pigtail going straight up on the top of your head, which is the opposite direction in which most girls wear pigtails. When I say most girls, I mean normal girls, not the girls in group, who usually don't even have hair at all, so the direction of pigtails would be a silly thing to spend much time thinking about. I'm sorry, even writing this I'm nervous. Did I mention I have throat cancer? I do. My power animal is the double-wattled cassowary.

I tried to say hello to you at the refreshments table. You were smoking a cigarette, and I was going to say that seeing someone who wasn't letting disease govern her life was all the refreshment I needed, but we were interrupted by that guy who rudely pulled you away without even trying to say something interesting. I know it sounds mean, but I hope his cancer goes into remission so that he has to answer for all the rude things he's probably doing every day while thinking he's got a free pass from responsibility. I could tell you didn't even want to talk to him, or cry with him when we paired off. You would have been much happier with me. My cave is made of peanut butter. Creative, right? I also hunt. I'm full of surprises once you get to know me.

If you'd like to meet up sometime so we can talk, please respond. Also, know that this is sort of time sensitive, so the sooner you can get back to me, the better. No fakes. Tell me the type of doughnut at group that no one ever eats so I know it's you, and don't you dare say maple because that hardly counts, since everyone already knows it's disgusting.

Thanks.

PostingID: 52982951

1
Swordfish

The Computer Guy from the Nightclub! -w4m- 40

CL>Los Angeles>Missed Connections

Hi! I met you in the VIP room of a club. My name is Helga. We were introduced, but I'm not sure if you remember me. I'm about 5 foot 4 inches, I have blonde hair, and I was wearing the fuchsia Steve Madden pumps with the matching purse. Fuchsia is my favorite color, and NO, not just because it's fun to say! I sat next to you for a little while and we drank a shot of tequila together. Remember? I blew you in front of all those people while that man held a gun to your head. Oh, and I had a Tiffany bracelet! The girl with the bracelet, that was me!

I hope you haven't forgotten. I thought you were really sweet, and I wish we had more time to chat. I remember your hair had frosted tips and you did a great job on that code thing everyone asked you to do. You are so smart! I know we were both working that night, but I got the sense that maybe you liked me a little. I liked you too, so it honestly didn't even feel like work to drink tequila with you, or deal with that guy's cigarette smoke (blech!), or blow you in front of all those people. We should get coffee sometime! Or a bagel, I'm obsessed with bagels lately, especially with almond honey cream cheese. Hmmmm!

Please respond if you're the guy. I forgot your name, but you are definitely circumcised. When you write or call, tell me what earrings I was wearing so that I know it's actually you. You were good with computers, so I'm sure you'll see this. No cigarettes this time! :D

-it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 13952800



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