Unpopular Opinion Podcast: Do Kids Prove We're Doomed? 5 Terrifying Ways Police Can Legally Screw You Over 5 Types of Movie Adaptations That Must Be Stopped
Cracked Columnists

4 Craigslist Missed Connections That Must Exist in Movies

If you've ever been to the Missed Connections section of Craigslist, you already know that it's a graveyard of lost opportunities. Unlike the protagonists in love stories, the people who post in Missed Connections had their shot at love and let it slip through their fingers. They didn't stop the perfect girl from getting on the train, they didn't have the courage to ask out the guy at the gym, they forgot to collect gallons of wolf semen from Mr. Right when they had the chance.

It's like Romeo and Juliet all over again.

Now they are desperately trying to reclaim it by blindly firing notifications into the ether in the hopes that the intended recipient happens to be scanning the killing fields of Craigslist at the same time. Sadly, it almost never works out.

But in the same way that these people will never be the protagonists of their own story, so too are there nonessential characters in movies who clearly suffer the same fate. Long after the happy endings in films, somewhere in their collective fictional universe is a group of unfulfilled, lonely people who had to suffer to advance the plot. In honor of them, I offer the Missed Connections they never got to write.

#4. The Terminator

The Naked Man Who Committed Murder in Our Bar -w4m- 37

CL>Los Angeles>Missed Connections

Hello. You were in our establishment on Monday night during my shift. You were the guy who ordered nothing, broke our window, and killed another customer before stealing a motorcycle. We really didn't get much of a chance to talk. You seemed nice.

My boss and the other waitresses informed me later that you were naked the whole time, but I don't notice things like that. I'm more interested in character than the broadness of your chest, the cut of your jaw, the length of your penis, etc. For example, I could see that even though you used your bare hands to take another man's life, those same hands are capable of extraordinary gentleness, and that you never actually meant to kill anyone. I could just see it in you, in your heart. Everyone says I am very intuitive.

Now, I don't need to tell you that there was an undeniable spark between us right after you walked in, and just before you threw Sid onto the gas stove. Maybe you noticed me blushing. I'm generally kind of a wallflower. I never do things like this, I barely use the Internet at all, and I have no idea if you even know how to use a computer. But I've had a string of bad luck with not-so-great boyfriends lately, and I'm looking for a good guy like you. I work on Mondays, Wednesdays, and weekends. Please come back and see me.

PostingID: 99281456

#3. The Shining

You Were Standing Outside My Hotel Room With a Knife -m4w- 35 (Overlook)

CL>Colorado>Missed Connections

Hey girl, I really hope you see this. I clocked you last Friday night around 10:45 wearing a bathrobe and a turtleneck outside my room (No. 245). I was the guy in the full dog costume (with the butt cut out), remember me? You and I made eye contact, and I don't think I'm crazy when I say it felt like we had a connection. We watched each other for well over 10 seconds, and I could tell that you had some other stuff going on, like maybe you had been crying over a guy or something. I'm not even trying to be a home wrecker or anything, but you were so beautiful, and I could have watched you all night, but you ran off with your knife before I had a chance to even ask your name. Oh, hey, what was the deal with that knife, anyway? Do you always carry it? (Not a deal breaker.)

I was thinking that maybe I freaked you out somehow, and I understand if it looked like a weird exchange was about to transpire in my room. See, I was staying in that room with my buddy, Derwent. He was the guy dressed as a guy (but old). I realize now that it may have seemed, from your perspective, like I was getting ready to pack his grease piece inside my cheek, but that's not what we were doing (lol). First of all, my mask didn't even have a hole in the mouth area, so that kind of thing would have been logistically impossible (obviously). Second of all, we were just showing each other some new MMA moves and I tackled him onto the bed (for safety) when you walked up. That's all. I won't pretend like it wasn't a crazy night or like everyone wasn't partying hard throughout the hotel (some kid was running around all by himself!), but it was all pretty innocent.

Oh, and if you were mad about all that blood in the elevator, Derwent and I had nothing to do with that. I, for one, think whoever was responsible is completely immature and inconsiderate. I'm sorry you had to take the stairs, and if I ever find out who it was, I wouldn't think twice about showing him my MMA moves for real (not on a bed [my arms and thighs are technically registered weapons]). My name is Roger, look me up on Facebook!

-it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 32292456

  • Random

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Soren Bowie

  • Rss

More by Soren Bowie:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

348 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!