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4 Common Morals Designed to Keep You Poor

Everyone knows there's a clear double standard between the rich and the poor in pretty much every facet of life. From opportunity to incarceration, it's not even debatable. It's so bad that we don't even try to hide it anymore -- we just kind of accept it, like knowing that our favorite Game of Thrones character is absolutely going to get their head cut off at some point, and there's not a goddamn thing we can do about it. So we might as well masturbate to it.

The insane part isn't the acceptance of that fact. It's that we actually advocate it by adhering to a strange, universal set of morals that propose to make us better people at the expense of financial growth. And the longer we keep ourselves tied to a flowery idea that's meant to work only in a perfect, honest world, the longer it's going to take to wade out of the sewage. For instance, how many of you have heard ...

#4. Being Rich Makes You an Evil, Greedy Bastard

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The Moral:

For an example of the evil, greedy rich person, see pretty much every movie ever made. TV Tropes has a pretty good section on it. So does the Bible. For that matter, so does life. If you need more evidence and have a few lifetimes, feel free to read through the 50 million stories this single Google search returned on "charity worker arrested for embezzlement." If you're immortal and the sun hasn't exploded by the time you finish, we'll wait.

Money corrupts, and there is no denying it. It's why we hear so many stories in the news about politicians ripping off ridiculous amounts of money from the people they serve, yet doing less jail time than a poverty-entrenched person who was caught with a joint. The rich get away with it because they have the money to buy their way out of punishment (through better lawyers, private detectives, bribing the judge with fine meats), which then reinforces their will to commit more atrocities, because ... well, why not? There's no downside. Not really -- not when compared to fucking jail. But hey, it's not their fault. Evil money just claimed another victim by turning an otherwise honest person into an agent of greed. They're victims, people.

Comstock/Comstock/Getty Images
".tnavres layol reve ruoY .nopaew ruoy ma I .rallod ythgim ,uoy rof ylno swolf doolb yM"

But That's Bullshit Because ...

Money doesn't corrupt jack dick. If all the money disappeared from the planet today, the object of temptation would then be whatever was next on the list of "most desirable human stuff." Probably boobs. I don't know, ladies, I'm looking at this from a dude's point of view. You'll have to give me a little rope on this one.

Oh, wait, it's rope! Everyone would value and desire rope.

Eventually, you'd have corrupt people stealing and hoarding other people's rope. There'd be rope embezzlement trials and gang members shooting each other in the streets over bungee cords. The point is that the temptation to take what isn't ours is always there. The people who master that urge are considered good -- or, hell, even normal. And the people who give in to it are corrupt. And it spans all socioeconomic levels. Money doesn't corrupt ... we do. Money is just frequently the object of our corrupt desires.

Creatas/Creatas/Getty Images
No way he's not fucking that pile later.

The problem is that we've seen the greedy rich person trope for so long that it's become ingrained that wealth (and, by association, success) is an undesirable goal. We've set up a stigma that "too much" money is a bad thing. Yes, making yourself wealthy by crotch-punching everyone you come in contact with is terrible, but that's not the only path to the goal. What, we can't be both good and financially secure? Why does it have to be one or the other? The truth is, it's not an either/or path.

In fact, the point isn't even really about becoming rich -- a very small percentage of people reading this article will ever reach that level. It's about that stigma sticking its ass-sniffing nose into every goddamn tax bracket and tainting even the smallest desire for financial growth as "bad." Something a good, moral person would never want to become.

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As an added layer of evil, she follows the metal detector guy all over the beach, asking why he's mad.

That moral itself isn't just there to warn rich people about the possibility of corruption ... it's there to keep the non-rich exactly where they're at. Because let's face it, if everyone suddenly started making the same amount of money, there would be no such thing as "rich." And the actual corrupt members of that elite group don't want that. It means that they become one of us. They'd be taking a catastrophic fall in status. Lucky for them, that moral keeps us right in place, afraid of becoming them, petrified of sharing their horrible fate as victims of the Greed Demons. The only way for us to combat it is to stand at a safe distance from the all-encompassing power of the wicked money that turned them into those monstrosities.

#3. Haggling Over Debts Makes You a Dishonest Piece of Shit

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The Moral:

You put yourself in the debt you're now drowning in. You spent more than you could afford, and now you need to own up to it and pay that shit off. What's wrong? You can't afford the late fees or the interest rates associated with your credit cards or collection agency bills? Too bad. This is the way the financial world works. When you signed the paperwork for that card or that loan, you agreed to all of their policies, and now you are bound by law to pay it. Read the fine print, fucko. If they so desire, they can hire God himself to come down and spank your ass with a mountain.

And you'd totally deserve it. You didn't walk into a bank and ask them to just give you money. Even if you did, that's what the immediate eruption of laughter was about. You asked for a loan. Credit cards don't operate on the gift system. You entered into an agreement that, yes, they would give you the money you asked for, and in return, you'd pay back that money, plus more. That's how they make a profit. Now man up and pay that shit off before they get pissed and decide to have Jesus throw a forest at you.

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And lo, He held a mighty spruce. And with great fury the Lord did whip a bitch.

But That's Bullshit Because ...

Hey, did you know you can settle with collection agencies for less than what you owe? Because you totally can, and that even includes having them remove or lessen the negative remarks they put on your credit history. But what about those late fees and interest rates? Those are set in stone, right? You signed a contract. Nope. You can negotiate your way out of those, too.

Wait, did I say earlier that when you signed that paperwork, you were bound by law? Sorry about that -- law has very little (and oftentimes nothing) to do with it. That's right, fuck the police. You're signing an agreement to corporate policy, which means that if you contact the right person and talk in just the right way, those policies can be bent or broken.

So why do we just give in and pay what the creditors are demanding? Because we've taught ourselves that not doing so is immoral and dirty. Not sticking to the agreed-upon terms is downright criminal -- you're breaking the contract, after all. What we forget is that you're not dealing with a $20 loan from cousin Filthneck Crotchrocket. You're dealing with a business. And if a business is faced with the choice of waiving a few late fees in order to keep you from going to a competitor, that's no choice at all. They'll happily give those fees the finger and work out payments with you.

Comstock Images/Comstock/Getty Images
"Ma'am, while we're at it, can you get it in writing that they'll put their tongue in my ass?"

And yes, goddamnit, you are entitled to that. They will not hesitate to stick you with whatever extra fees they can, because you are not a person to them. You are an account -- an asset to their business if you're making your payments. If you're not willing to make the same business decisions for yourself, you are at their mercy. Just keep in mind that it doesn't mean you should call them in a temper tantrum, demanding justice like you have something over them. They don't have to do jack shit for you, and they won't if you're yelling racial slurs at the person who's reading your file. But if you're polite and you talk to the right people, they almost always have the ability to help you out.

This is a major way that wealthy people mentally differ from the poor and middle class. We allow that moral to taint our view of how money and businesses work, whereas to them, haggling over debt is just a tool. Do you think Donald Trump feels guilt when he repeatedly files for bankruptcy? Hint: No, he does not. Donald Trump feels nothing. Ever. About anything. It's just another business strategy. It's no different on your smaller scale.

Ethan Miller/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
No, seriously, Donald Trump thinks he is the only person who lives here on this planet.

Given, if you do that to regular people who have given you personal loans, you are a douchebag and deserve to have the mob punch your neck off. Please don't take that as a stereotype-based insult, The Mob. I'm a huge fan of your crimes.

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