4 Upcoming Reboots That Must Be Stopped

#2. ThunderCats

Via Cartoon Network

ThunderCats is another representative of the "weird good guys, weird bad guys, punching" concept the 1980s so adored, only this time everyone is cats. They look like a Juggalo gathering on Dr. Moreau's island, but you can tell they're heroic because they fight a bunch of ass-ugly mutants led by a mummy magician. Also, because they managed to resist the urge to murder Snarf throughout the series' run.

Warner Bros.
Fucking Snarf.

Why It Should Never Return:

A few years ago, a popular, cleverly written cartoon launched a beloved 1980s franchise back to the heights of its success. However, a group of people soon started investing way, way too much into the show. A strange fandom started sprouting, and before long, the Internet was teeming with the fruits of its creativity (including insanely long pieces of fan fiction and, of course, porn). Soon, these strange folks were seemingly everywhere, screeching defensive arguments re: their right to feel unhealthy affection for cartoon animals at the slightest provocation.

Yep, I'm talking about bronies -- the strange mole folk who have managed to up and get creepy about the least sexy, most child-friendly animated things in the entirety of recorded history. Now, keep their existence in mind and imagine what would happen to a show about scantily clad, fully anthropomorphic animals.

Warner Bros.
"Basically, what we're already doing, but everywhere." -deviantART

Why It Probably Will Anyway:

It already did! For, like, six seconds!

There was a brief revival of the series in 2011, promptly cancelled after one season. This isn't particularly surprising when you take a look at this comparison video between the iconic 1985 transformation scene of series villain Mumm-Ra and his 2011 incarnation, Droopylips McPout, inexplicably robed insurance salesman:

Hahahahaha! Oh God, he's just so angry that your boat was already insured.

Still, if we disregard that little gem, and the fact that resurrecting the show would be dealing out tickets to Furry Central, the series does have a certain commercial potential. Mumm-Ra can be an awesome character that could give any cartoon villain a run for their money, and the cast of the franchise is so slim that the company with the rights can pretty much screw animal heads on whatever old G.I. Joe dolls they have lying around and introduce them in the series as fresh characters. If whatever steaming pile of He-Man poop Hollywood is eventually going to produce proves successful, it seems inevitable that these creatures will also be back roaming the media field before long. So, you know, brace yourself for a whole lot of Rule 34.

#1. Firefly

Via Seriable

Oh shit, I went there.

Firefly, for the three readers who have never heard of it, is Joss Whedon's much-missed sci-fi Western show about a crew of smuggling space renegades that you should probably go and watch right the hell now. The show kick-started the illustrious careers of a number of its actors and proved for good that Whedon had what it took to rule the game beyond the Buffyverse. Although it was cancelled before the first season was even over, the makers eventually provided some closure with a feature film that wrapped up some of the series' major plotlines (and killed off a significant portion of the main characters in the process).

20th Century Fox
I'll just leave this here.

Despite its short lifespan, the series has amassed an Internet fan base that is almost Whovian in size and rabidity. These people read Firefly comics, play Firefly RPGs, wear Firefly clothes, and call themselves Browncoats after a faction in a Firefly universe war. Oh, and that thundering sound you're hearing is the collective indrawn breath of them all as they prepare to scream bloody murder because I'm about to explain ...

Why It Should Never Return:

Because it's way too big in our heads now.

The reason why Firefly -- the New Adventures (or whatever) would never work is the reason we'll probably never see another truly great Star Wars movie. I'm not saying they would Jar Jar Binks that shit (... I hope). It's just that no matter how good new episodes might be, chances are our brains will never award them that elusive fifth star because the bar has been set too high by our own expectations, experiences, and gilded memories. It doesn't help that, unlike the original Star Wars trilogy and its share of weaker moments, practically every scene in Firefly is, if not outright awesome, at least insanely quotable.

20th Century Fox
As a show that comes with its own set of swearwords should be.

As such, Joss Whedon would need to deliver a slam dunk on par with The Avengers to even get close to what's playing in the brain cinema of every fan. Since this is pretty damn certain to include the spectacularly deceased characters of Hoban Washburne and Shepherd Book, chances are this will never happen unless they flat out ignore the movie. (Yes, I know they could probably go with some bullshit resurrection/clone storyline or place the new series/movie before Serenity, but come on -- this is the Internet, all of those moves would be nit-picked to death in seconds.) Even if they somehow find a way, the new series would probably flop in a manner most outrageous, as the overwhelming majority of people who don't really give a flying shit about the show would just shrug and go, "Is this, like, some Guardians of the Galaxy ripoff? Where are the ent and the raccoon?"

Why It Probably Will Anyway:

Hordes of fans aside, pretty much everyone who has ever been associated with the show loves it dearly. Series star Nathan Fillion's unconditional devotion to his character would be creepy if it wasn't so endearing, and other cast and crew members apparently aren't far behind in their fondness. There are probably catering guys out there whose most cherished memory is that one time they made a sandwich for Morena Baccarin. Even Whedon himself has stated he'd love to bring Firefly back in one form or another.

So, will Firefly be back on TV (or even the big screen)? My money says: eventually, yes. Will it be a thing of mind-blowing greatness? It almost certainly won't. Still, as long as there's life, there's hope. You know the lyrics, Browncoats:

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Follow him on Twitter.

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