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4 Awful Tips for Keeping New Year's Resolutions

#2. Quitting Smoking with Mushrooms

Like ending a bad relationship, quitting smoking is complicated and messy, and it temporarily turns nice people into terrible human beings. It's also filled with relapses, secret rekindlings, and late night indulgences that just make the process harder in the long run. But unlike a relationship, you can't just move to a new city and leave the problem behind, because addiction is part of you. To get over smoking in a week, you need something more effective than gum or a patch; you need to fight fire with fire. Or more specifically, you need to overcome your drug addiction by doing harder drugs.

Within the last three years at Johns Hopkins University, they have experimented with feeding concentrated psilocybin (the hallucinogen in mushrooms) to smokers to see if it can cure their addiction to nicotine, and it's been working. Incidentally, Johns Hopkins is also testing psilocybin on cancer patients, because apparently throwing mushrooms at problems is their answer to everything.

"The bad news is that you have asthma, the good news is that where you're going, you don't even need lungs.

There have only been four patients in the nicotine study so far, and all of them have quit smoking completely, although the sample size isn't big enough for Johns Hopkins to feel comfortable revealing their methods yet. But that certainly can't stop a diet-pill-popping, positive-thinking miracle of personal success like you from trying to replicate it.

Once you're properly dosed up, there's no harm in giving yourself a little extra insurance by participating in one of the many online hypnosis sessions for smoking cessation. Now, there's a good chance your trip will last for a long time, since the closest thing to actual nutrients in your body is vegetable broth, so you may want to have a couple other videos lined up as well. I recommend this completely normal, not at all mind melting animated short film about the effects of smoking played on repeat:

With any luck, you won't even need a full week to quit smoking -- it should happen in just a few hours.

#1. Trying Something That Scares You

One of the benefits of charging through your resolutions all at once is that you'll find along the way that many of them overlap and complement one another. As you branch out of your normal life into near starvation, mind control, and hallucinogens, you will also discover a vast new landscape of horrors previously unknown to you. Horrors you can then overcome.

Silence, death, time, and umbrellas (depending on where you are in your psilocybin adventure) will all appear to you in new hideous gradients and textures, a new relevance you never understood before because you refused to look closely. Suddenly you'll realize that you unconsciously reached a point long ago when you stopped saying hello to the world and started saying goodbye to it. Just existing from breath to breath will feel terrifying and heroic under the new looming shade of death as it spreads those hideous, dark wings above you. Your only weapon is, itself, part of the hovering nightmare; that single rod of metal or plastic polymer and a stylishly curved handle that is specific to umbrellas. Wrap your fingers tightly around it, you are in control. My god, you're brave. 2013 is lucky to have you.

There is no turning back.



In addition to being a Cracked editor and columnist Soren was also your eighth grade boyfriend. Why not reconnect on Twitter or Tumblr?

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