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4 Awful Mistakes Restaurants Make All the Time

#2. Lazy Twattery

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Most restaurants are run by a fairly sizable staff -- front of house staff, waitstaff, bar staff, kitchen staff. There's a decent number of people involved in making things work smoothly. And if one person sucks at their job, it's going to spread like herpes through the whole joint until nothing runs right.

The laziness of staff is a hard one to catch because it always starts small. Maybe a cook is sick of making the same meal the same way and starts skipping steps -- no more lemon juice in the sauce, or the garnish gets dropped. Maybe the waitstaff is in a rush, so the tables only get a half-assed wipedown instead of a full cleaning. And this spirals out of control until your chef is basically shitting on a plate and your waitstaff is throwing it at customers in the hopes that some gets in their mouths. If this sounds unreasonable, go look in the kitchen of some restaurants that have gotten bad ratings from the health inspector and see if you can think of a more reasonable excuse for why some restaurants never clean the hoods over their fryers or have little puddles of moldy-ass water stewing in the walk-in fridge.

All of this terrible laziness leads to a bad customer experience, and when customers hate your restaurant, they will tell everyone they know. If there's one thing people love to do, it's hate. And then make sure everyone knows they hate something. That's why every comment section and review site is filled with people complaining about literally everything. And sure, no restaurant is immune to a jackass who expected his water to be served at precisely 40 degrees in a crystal decanter because he was raised by a family of shit weasels who say and do things like that, but they should be able to serve meals that don't have rat pube garnishes or waitstaff that refers to customers with colorful nicknames like "fatty boom boom" and "chode breath."

#1. Having No Point

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The first restaurant I ever worked at was a bit of a skuzzy little diner where I was a short order cook/dishwasher/bitch boy. It was in a mall and frequented by elderly people who lived nearby. We literally cooked everything ever. I know you may be thinking, "Ugh, I hate when writers misuse the word 'literally' like that," and to you I say "bollocks." I had to cook everything in that shithole. What are you sitting on right now? A sofa? Chair? I cooked that shit. Anything rotten in your fridge? I cooked it. Step in anything funny lately? Cooked it.

This restaurant had no point of view whatsoever. The menu was about 15 pages long and contained shit ranging from fried rice to fish and chips to liver and onions. Who the fuck goes to a restaurant to eat liver and onions? If that's ever on a menu, it should be used to identify foreign invaders trying to pass themselves off as one of us. It's a huge red flag that something has gone desperately and hopelessly awry.

By offering people a menu full of everything, what you tell the world is that you don't give a shit about anything. Your restaurant has a buttload of food in back and you will apply heat to whatever dumb shit they want and toss it out on a fish-shaped plate with a wedge of lemon at your earliest convenience. Also, it may be rotten, because our inventory is enormous, but never mind that. Put the lemon on it and you'll barely notice.

A small menu seems counterintuitive, but it also tells a customer, "See this shit? I own this shit. If you eat this shit, you will mouthgasm, I don't give a damn how gross that sounds. I never bothered to learn how to cook bullshit like liver and onions. I perfected making this shit so you can eat it and be whisked away to Flavortown in a limo driven by Dr. Tasty, Ph.D." That's a lot to say in a menu, but it happens. That's what your customers need to know. This joint makes 12 dishes so damn well that anyone would be stupid to order them elsewhere. And if they do order them elsewhere, they're going to go home and punch themselves in the dick and/or vag when they realize what a dumbass mistake they made by not eating at this place.

We as customers want the best food and best experience we can have at a restaurant, and that means someone has to plan from the beginning how they're going to do that, not just hope they stumble into it like a drunkard falling into a dumpster full of Listerine.

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Felix Clay

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