4 Adult Tricycles for People Who Never Got Over Big Wheels

#2. Tsar Tank


We've discussed the Tsar Tank before, but here's a brief recap if you haven't read every Cracked article that ever was: This was an experimental tank built by Russia in 1914-1915, and when I say experimental, I mean that it was a byproduct of a pharmaceutical study designed to test the effects of administering LSD to mechanical engineers. The damned thing was about 30 feet high, weighed 60 tons, and made no amount of sense. Aside from having wheels considerably larger than "the side of a barn" benchmark that people always use as a guide for how easy something is to hit, the thing also didn't get around very well. See that single shopping cart wheel at the back there, holding up half of this thing's 60-ton ass? During its initial trial, Physics took one look at this machine, spat out what it was drinking, then buried it so deep in the mud that it stayed there for the better part of a decade.

It did, however, dominate that muddy field utterly for that decade.

But Can It Wail into a Ditch?

Oh, most definitely. You'd just better pick a good ditch, because you're going to be there for a while.

#1. Bond Bug

Imagine a wedge of cheese, only one a bit larger and much, much faster than most wedges of cheese. You got it? Because you've got a pretty good idea of what the Bond Bug is.

I exaggerate, of course; it's not that much larger than a block of cheese.

The Bond Bug was a three-wheeled sports car from the swinging, oil-leaking glory years of the British automotive industry. It was available in any color you wanted, so long as you wanted Tangerine, and came loaded with features, such as fabric window coverings, useful for keeping upward of 40 percent of the weather outside. The thing can also get up to about 78 mph, which might not sound that fast in our inflated 2012 miles, but when you consider that this three-wheeled doorstop handles exactly as well as a three-wheeled doorstop ought to, 78 mph must feel testicle-shriveling fast to the driver.

Mikel Ortega
Also note how the main door of the car conveniently hinges upward. Like a coffin.

If that's not enough to convince you how cool this thing was, there's one other thing about the Bond Bug that gives it a certain amount of cachet. It's Luke Skywalker's frikin' Landspeeder.

Star Wars Locations
This one looks like it's being driven by Luke's stand-in, Brett Skywalker.

To be fair, there were a few models of the Landspeeder used for different shots; this one was used for the long-range wide shots of the Landspeeder in motion. If you look carefully, you can see the wheels concealed by an angled mirror, later tided up in postproduction with some simple shadow and dust effects. Although George Lucas probably changed that in later editions to have the wheels concealed by a group of goofy CGI dancing aliens.

But Can It Wail into a Ditch?

The Bond Bug has three wheels and can move at 78 mph. Its natural environment is wailing into ditches. Any kind of aggressive maneuver (cornering, operating the windshield wipers) would certainly send this thing careening uncontrollably into the nearest ditch. That's awesome, and the fact that you can pretend you're about to bull's-eye a womp rat when you're doing so is just gravy.


For more from Bucholz, check out There's a Bird in the House! How Not to Proceed and The Cheater's Guide to Winning Online Arguments.

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