3 Things the Internet Always Gets Wrong

The Internet is about convenience. It saves us time doing research, getting directions, and finding appropriate masturbation fodder. Hurray! But there's more. Spend some time in forums and comment sections and you will see that the Net also provides a crash course in philosophy, theology, and logic.

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"Newton's third law of motion dictates that you're a douchebag."

However, this is a column all about what the Internet gets wrong, and as I wrote in Notes from the Internet Apocalypse, the problem isn't the Internet: It's people. Any device that brings people together and lets them talk and argue freely will showcase the limits of humanity and our desperate need to make things bite-size and simple. That's no great tragedy when people go online to trade hashtags and cat memes, but the way we reduce important thoughts and theories to one-liners is a little disconcerting.

And we love to do that. Now, instead of developing our arguments or citing deep thinkers in a way that appropriately supports our views, we simply name theories and laws before dropping the mic, as if we must be right because our point's got a fancy name. But theories almost always come with counterpoints, and 9 times out of 10 the Internet just cites things wrong. Here are three theories the Internet won't stop abusing.

#3. Russell's Teapot

This argument has been paraphrased by the Internet so badly that many won't recognize it by name. It's used in support of atheism, and in its original formation, before Ricky Gervais made it fun size, it was a good one.

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"Gervais' Teapot? Ricky's MePot. Yes!"

What It Actually Says:

Those who insist that others should believe in God have the burden of proof.

Bertrand Russell was a noted philosopher, mathematician, and atheist. Russell rejected the Christianity he was born into and argued that those who insisted on the existence of God to others had the burden of proof. To explain why those making assertions should prove their theories, he gave an analogy about a teapot in space:

Many orthodox people speak as though it were the business of skeptics to disprove received dogmas rather than of dogmatists to prove them. This is, of course, a mistake. If I were to suggest that between the Earth and Mars there is a china teapot revolving about the sun in an elliptical orbit, nobody would be able to disprove my assertion provided I were careful to add that the teapot is too small to be revealed even by our most powerful telescopes. But if I were to go on to say that, since my assertion cannot be disproved, it is intolerable presumption on the part of human reason to doubt it, I should rightly be thought to be talking nonsense.

But do you see the context of the statement? It's a reaction. It's a reaction to orthodox, dogmatic people. Personally for Russell, even if he disclaimed all religions, it's a reaction to the Church of England. It's a reaction to those who want to proselytize and tell you you're going to hell unless you agree with them. It says to those people, "Hey, back off. I would never have the audacity to insist that you believed something stupid about a teapot."

I fully agree with Russell on this, but I hate the way it's used.

How It's Used Now:

Believing in God is as stupid as believing in outer space teapots!

Most of the time you see this idea referenced without the inclusion of it being a reaction to those who are "orthodox" or "dogmatic" and who find the questioning of their beliefs "intolerable." Instead, the Internet reduces the argument to something along the lines of ...

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"If you believe in God, you might as well believe in outer space teapots, derpity derp derp."

There's a reason people online get it wrong: The Internet assumes it's a fight. It assumes any person of faith wants you to believe as they do. Wants to prove you wrong. Wants to damn you for not reading from the same holy books. And if you find those people who are telling you you're going to burn in hell because there's something wrong with you for not accepting the blood of Christ or whatever faith is being preached, you'd be in your rights to cite to Russell. You could say, "Hey, don't tell me there's something wrong with me for not believing as you do when it's your job to support your incredible claims before attacking someone for not being of a similar mind."

But too often, the Russell's teapot rhetoric is used as a dig on anyone of faith. Even those minding their own business. There are millions of people in the world who believe in God and do not care at all if you do, too. There are millions of people who belong to religions that don't even try to win converts. Citing Russell with them is nothing more than a bullying tactic that tells them their religious faith in an unprovable god is as stupid as believing in celestial teapots. I'm sure I can't stop you from doing so if that's what makes life worth living for you, but it is a perversion of Russell, whose argument is designed in response to the dogmatic and intolerant.

#2. Godwin's Law

While the theory above might have been unknown to you if you're the type of sane individual who avoids arguments on religion, there's no way you've escaped Godwin's law -- even if you don't know it by that name.

This Internet adage was coined by attorney and author Mike Godwin as he sought to address the incredibly lazy rhetorical arguments of people online.

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"Coining Internet adages? Why didn't he just write a list about 5 Ways People Online Suck?"

In a piece for Wired, Godwin wrote:

As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches 1.

What It Actually Says:

The Internet goes too far with Hitler comparisons, thereby cheapening the Holocaust.

While Godwin first made this assertion regarding Usenet newsgroup discussions, it's been applied to any online comment thread. Basically, Godwin was irritated by the people he saw "playing the Hitler card" over and over, and he wanted to start a meme to curb such use. As Godwin wrote:

Stone libertarians were ready to label any government regulation as incipient Nazism. And, invariably, the comparisons trivialized the horror of the Holocaust and the social pathology of the Nazis. It was a trivialization I found both illogical ... and offensive.

Jupiterimages/Photos.com/Getty Images
"School lunches supported by tax dollars? JUST LIKE HITLER WOULD DO!"

How It's Used Now:

If you mention Hitler in any discussion, you lose!

While Godwin was certainly seeking to end weak-minded, easy, offensive references to Hitler, for many, his adage has devolved into a simple "If you say 'Hitler' during an argument, you lose." That is a perversion of his words that clearly goes too far. Godwin's law seeks to curb the abuse of faulty historical comparisons, not remove them completely from any online discussion. It's fair to say that references to Hitler probably shouldn't come up in discussions regarding climate change and public smoking bans, unless you have a child's understanding of history or the same child's petulant intolerance for anyone disagreeing with you. Nevertheless, issues of genocide, racial superiority, and extreme fascism still exist in the world. And the Internet will talk about it. It will argue about it.

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"Nice try! You said 'Hitler' while we were discussing the neo-Nazi movement. Game over!"

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