Now I might not know a lot about gay people, but TV has taught me enough to realize what gays are good at: being fat girls' best friends; advising lame straight people how to be hip; and interior decorating. In fact, the latest completely manufactured statistics say that these three jobs account for 90 percent of the gay economy.
Admittedly, I'm still gathering support for my lesbian statistics:
But answer me this: are you willing to give up your jobs for marriage? I know, I know, I can hear you now: "But Gladstone, can't I marry the love of my life and still be a personal stylist?" To which I say, "No, of course not, you silly gay person!" (I'm sorry, I don't know your first name.) Who the hell would trust a married person to tell them what's hip? The whole point of getting married is letting yourself go and not giving a crap about what you eat or how you dress. We straight people know that being gay is a 24/7 life of making sure you have washboard abs and no trace of body hair. That's what we love about you. Your dedication to being so much cooler than us. Do you really want to throw all that away? You're our sexy, fit, sarcastic drama queens we use in small doses for comic relief and well-reasoned wardrobe choices. Why would you want to lose all that just to be a real person with full rights under the law?
And what about being BFFs with fat girls? I mean, I don't pretend to understand the economics of how that job pays (do you guys use our currency or do you just like barter in rhinestones and Streisand records) but I'm sure it must be very profitable. I mean, why else would so many of you do it? Do you think your husband is going to wait for you at home after he's slaved all day preparing you a dinner of seared tofu and flirtinis while you're off telling your gal pal that she just needs to find a man who appreciates how pretty her face is? It ain't happening.
"Well, did you tell her it's what's on the inside that counts? And that still didn't work? OK. See you in a few more hours. No problem."
And an interior decorator? What do married people know about cool apartments? I'm married. We care about functionality. The coolest thing in my house is an ottoman with a top that lifts up so you can store magazines in it. Once you get married, you'll be out of touch with all those cool interesting people that hold designer drug parties in abandoned factories in the meat packing district. "Oh, Julian, when you're done snorting that "Krunkel 9," you absolutely must check out these petrified wolf penises from Alaska! They make absolutely divine centerpieces." Yeah, those days are over, Julian. (Julian? Is that your name? I'm just going by what the wolf penis chick said). But yeah, no more of that. Weekends will be filled with trips to Costco to buy toilet paper in bulk and those 40 slice cheese sampler platters you both like.
Face it: your days of being cool outsiders with unique perspectives are over. You're gonna be just like the rest of us now. Boring and domesticated, and probably without any reality TV characters to claim as your own. Sure, some of you may have already been living with your spouses for five or 60 years; you may have dedicated your lives to the care and love of one other person; or even raised a family, but you were still badasses on the outside of decent society. And now it seems, due to your short-sighted persistence, we're finally letting you in. Well, I hope you're happy.
Check out more from Gladstone in Adam Lambert vs. Clay Aiken: The Gayest Feud of All-Time and TV's Greatest Off-Screen Quotes and Catchphrases.