As readily as comedic genius flows from these fingertips, there are still occasional hiccups in the editorial process that lead to rejection. Yes, it’s true, as unbelievable as it is, sometimes the editors here do turn me down, and no amount of retributive arson can change that. Now we’re going to take a little walk through some of the many reasons those articles have been rejected, and maybe along the way I can help some other aspiring Cracked writers out there, simple people with humble natures who want nothing more than the realization of a modest dream: To be worshipped by hordes of nubile, barely-legal nerd-women via the internet simply for their massive arsenal of synonyms for penis.
This was a top-ranking google image search result for “factual inaccuracies.” We will roll with that.
Sometimes an interesting news story comes along that demands commentary but, alas, doesn’t offer enough material for an actual article. This is when we’re supposed to do a bizarre ritual they refer to as “re-search.”
(There’s no hyphen in ‘research,’ Robert. Perhaps you should research the word research before writing about research practices. –Ed.)
Now personally, I believe that’s a kind of cheating. Sure, I could go out there and learn “facts” from other, lesser writers who cover things that just happen to be “true,” but I am often too busy doing substantially more awesome things with my time than verifying articles. Right now, for instance, I’m sure that dickhead Ed had something snide to say about my uncertainty regarding the spelling of the word re-searching, but I can’t hear him as I’m currently racing a motorcycle through the narrow alleyways of Southern Rome in an attempt to catch a sexy but elusive young lady clad entirely in red leather–the soft Italian sun glinting from her curves as she power-slides through the labyrinthine corridors. I’m supposed to stop that to do something as pedestrian as bust out a thesaurus?
(You mean dictionary. –Ed)
[I MEAN FUCK YOU, ED! -Robert]
This was also a top-ranking google image search result. Because nothing says Prince like “factual inaccuracies!”
I think the editorial staff should just be grateful that I’m even writing this, dictating it, as I am, to the terrified pedestrians that I am speeding past, and just trusting in my irresistible personal charisma to implore them to record it for me. Here’s one proposal that was rejected for a few slight inaccuracies:
Pitch:
Wesley snipes was recently quoted as stating that he “wants to de-virginize” himself on the Nintendo Wii. I propose an in-depth look into the sordid sex lives of other black action stars, and the depraved acts they want to commit with video games.
“More like ‘Wii gonna get raped,’ know what I’m sayin?”
Sample Entries
#4: Mario Van Peebles wants to rub one out on a Gameboy, but has thus far been rejected.
#3: Ice T once had a threesome with a Jaguar and a 3D0 in 1996, when they were both still totally hot.
#2: Tyrese Gibson went down on an XBOX in a public bathroom.
#1: Ice cube fucked a Genesis (up the ass).
“See this, Nintendo? This is called praying. You should start. Soon, baby.”
Editorial Feedback:
This is a funny concept, Robert, but I couldn’t find any mention of these things actually happening… anywhere. I don’t mean to impugn your research. I’m sure you have some credible sources that you’ve pulled these entries from, what are they? -Ed
My Response:
Noble and Gentle Ed,
I’m sure you’re well aware that a professional’s journalistic sources enjoy full confidentiality, and I am a professional, sir. I would not reveal my sources to you any more readily than I would reveal my balls to your mother at your annual family reunion. If you would not like to see the latter carried out, I suggest you desist in the requesting that I do the former.
Do you understand what I’m saying here, Ed? I’m saying I will molest your family if you ask literally anything from me ever again. I AM A MAN.
Furiously yours,
-Robert
Often we comedy writers toe the line between the innocuous satire and her cousin amiable parody, and the infamous slander and her whorish neice libel. For some reason, public sensibility will allow me to imply that Abraham Lincoln was both secretly gay and also an evil alien, but as soon as I write that current celebrities like, say, The Jonas Brothers, raped an entire middle school in Utah and paid the police to keep it quiet, all of a sudden that’s “stepping over a line.”
Slander: When whispered things shock sexy girls in glasses.
I’d love to go a little more in-depth as to what, exactly, constitutes slander and libel, but it seems the sexy thief I’m chasing has run into a dead end, and is turning to engage me in a fist-fight. The distant static of crashing waves tells me we are near the harbor. A single gull cries out, and is silent. We await each other’s next move in tense stillness. I take this opportunity to scribble down the following example on a 1000 Lira note which I hand to a frightened boy.
“RUN TO CRACKED!” I yell at the quickly fading figure.
“ADDIO! ADDIO!” He replies. Man, just like an Italian to talk about shoes when there’s fighting to be done.
(Two things, Robert: “Addio,” means farewell in Italian; you’re thinking of “Adidas.” Second, the Italians have actually converted to the Euro now. I’m enjoying the narrative, but perhaps you should change these things to better preserve the realism? – Ed)
[“Oooh! My name is Ed, and I’m super gay for italics.” Suck it sideways. – Robert]
Pitch:
Title: Eight Reasons Why the Republican Party Invented Syphilis
#7.
Sample Entry: Everybody knows that Republicans eat babies, but what you might not know is that they flavor these infantile delicacies with the sweet, tangy taste of Syphilis, a horrible disease which they had invented solely to season their mewling toddler meals. In 1476, the fledgling Republican Party had just dispelled the kindly god Paladine, and found they needed a new way to contaminate the world with evil to please their dark and immortal master, The Goddess of Tears Takhisis….
Listen, if Magic: The Gathering says that Republicans are vampires, then Republicans are fucking vampires, okay?
Editorial Feedback:
Look, we all appreciate what you’re trying do here, Robert, and as much as we here at Cracked support and advance the socialist agenda, I just don’t think you actually understand what a Republican is. I believe you are somehow confusing American politics with the plot of the Dragonlance series, and this could upset some people. Maybe if we framed it better, something like “Eight Reasons Why Republicans are Black Robes?” – Ed.
My Response:
To The Most Royal of Fuckwads Sir Ed,
As much as I appreciate the feeble, awkward words you feel constantly compelled to scrawl over the staggering greatness of my work – your trembling verbs shaky and knock-kneed like a newborn deer – if you continue to insist on doing so, I will be forced to cut you. Cut you in your face. You will not be pretty anymore.
Slashingly Yours,
-Robert
P.S. I was assuming you were pretty, like a snotty little rich girl, but now that I think about it, I bet you are actually ugly, like an ugly…poor…girl. I bet you are also stupid, and smell like Preparation H and farts. I will still cut you, however; your inherent deformity does not earn you a free pass for literary vandalism.
An inherent danger of the Cracked persona often involves an overlap in topics. There are only so many stories that can be run about the “8 Most Erotic Superpowers” before two writers find themselves crossing paths. Traditionally a duel is in called for in these situations, but seeing as how Cracked writers largely operate via the internet, the methods of dueling are limited to either long, vitriol-laden flame wars (which, counter-intuitively, involve no actual flames because other writers are pussies) or repeatedly rick-rolling one another until the losing author is forced to take his own life in shame. Sometimes, this even happens to us real writers - by which I mean myself - and we find ourselves unwittingly crossing territory already covered by the pathetic Plebeians - by which I mean everybody else. One such example follows, regarding a column of mine rejected for repetition.
Pitch:
Title: The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All Time
Andrew Jackson: Commander-in-Chief of Furious Eyebrows
Sample Entry:
See article here.
Editorial Feedback:
Robert, this appears to be strikingly similar to a previous article run by your fellow columnist Daniel O’Brien. As a matter of fact, the title was a word for word match and, considering that your ‘summary’ was actually a link to the article itself, I can only assume that you copied and pasted this article onto your own proposal with rash disregard for the consequences. Mr. O’Brien once brought down an entire Mexican magazine with his own penis, and often utilizes this rather disturbing skill on people that plagiarize from him. May I humbly suggest that you alter your proposal, perhaps something like the “5 Least Badass Presidents of All Time,” to help avoid a creepy and somewhat sexually violating death. – Ed.
…Somewhat?
My Response:
To Whom It May Concern Which Is Ed Whom Is a Prick and Whom Has Regular Intercourse with His Mother,
While I’m sure you fancy yourself incredibly clever for “catching” me in the reviled act of plagiarism, I do believe you’ve missed my point. I was suggesting that, considering the surprising quality and humor of Mr. O’Brien’s piece, Cracked should consider re-running it with my name in place of his. This, I feel, would draw more readers to what is surely a tragically overlooked piece, worthy of more attention than Mr. O’Brien’s unimpressive name can draw. I believe Mr. O’Brien would be honored merely by being near me, and so would gladly acquiesce. May I also add: If I ever find out who you are, Ed, and why you keep imprinting your child-like retard scrawl on my beautiful, angelic prose, I will certainly destroy you with my penis like I did that Mexican magazine, a concept which I have entirely invented just now.
Yours in a Way I Assure You That You Do Not Want,
-Robert
Now, if you’ll forgive me, modest readers, I have bested my scarlet vixen in combat and stand to reap the sexy spoils of this womanly war. Her leather-clad breasts glint in the setting sunlight like round, fleshy stars…if stars had nipples. I scream these final words into the face of one of the three unconscious marines that have fallen as collateral damage in our epic battle, trusting his subconscious will impel him to transcribe them later, and now take my leave of you to embrace the savage beauty of my mysterious Valkyrie, the explosions in the background echoing the voracity of our love-making. I do not know why there are explosions; I assume they are unrelated.
Pretty much just like every other day in my life.
(Robert, “Ed” is actually short for “editor,” as in “the editorial staff,” as in “your bosses.” Also, I feel pressed to inform you that I know for a fact you were not engaged in some sort of high speed motorcycle chase that I am almost certain was from the hit television show Alias, because I peeked into your office earlier today while you were writing this, and found you sitting in the dark, attempting to devour what I believe was an entire Meatball Sub flavored Hot Pocket in a single bite. You were having some difficulty at the time, as the molten cheese had spilled onto your bare thighs – your Batman Underoos offering little to no protection against the scalding liquid – so I chose not to interrupt your girlish screaming. Please come see me in my office this afternoon to discuss the specifics of our company dress code. Also, please at least change the Underoos beforehand; Batman is all but unrecognizable at this point, and his soiled, mangled face has been frightening the younger interns immensely. Perhaps your diet should expand beyond the “heated pocket of government cheese and sub-standard Mexican beef” stratum? – Ed.)
This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 18th, 2009 at 1:05 pm and is filed under Editor's Pick, Guides, Writing, writers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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August 19th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Dongtacular.
May 12th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
That was a card from White Wolf’s Vampire game, wasn’t it?
March 31st, 2009 at 10:21 pm
I hate re-search too. (Ok, not really, but I wanted to make you feel better.)
March 25th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
not gonna lie. i wanna be you when i grow up.
March 10th, 2009 at 8:51 am
you dont work naked? my fantasies of you while i read your articles are ruined. RUINED!
March 6th, 2009 at 3:14 am
…………Marry me.
(No, I will not rest until I have all of the Cracked team made my brides.)
March 5th, 2009 at 10:27 am
Brilliant article, and a pretty retarded comment section to boot.
Btw, Forgotten Realms is superior.
February 26th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
The Dragonlance reference took this article from a 9* to a 10*.
Glad to see someone high up on the Cracked pantheon knows about it.
(I personally have a believed 54+ books in my library (courtesy of every “Used Books” store in a 60 mile radius of my house) from the Elven Heroes Trilogy to The Fire Rose.)
Idea for a article: “10 Reasons Dragonlance Owns Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter”.
February 25th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
oh my god… are you serious dickhead… or are you now taking the piss. i hope your serious that would just make my day haha
February 23rd, 2009 at 10:48 pm
You’re response to Ed was very Ignatius Reilly-esque
February 21st, 2009 at 11:52 pm
It looks like dickhead took every line of this article to be absolute truth.
Maybe this is why you shouldn’t write articles.
February 20th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
hahaha ok first of all dungeons nd dragons or dragonlance, or anything with a dragon and cards, should only be spoken about between you and your lover(your hand of course). second, Ed is hilarious for his complete stupidity and how he doesn’t get the humor in these rediculous stories. Jonas brothers raping people…ahhhh im not saying they wouldn’t, im jus saying they are pussies. so its impossible. My advice to you Robert, keep the humor, keep writing, your without a doubt a great writer, but grow te fuck up a little. Get a hooker. =!
February 20th, 2009 at 10:05 am
just a bit of correction….that’s not a Magic: The Gathering card but a Vampire: The Eternal Struggle formerly known as “Jyhad” card (yeah it’s evil)
February 19th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
There comes a time in every nerds life when they must acknowledge inferiority to another, greater, uber-nerd. Now is that time. Not only is that not a “Magic: The Gathering” card, it is also not a real “Vampire: The Eternal Struggle” card. Rather, it is a user-created, non-official VTES card. Take that, geeks.
February 19th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
I am very much in favour of that Sarah Palin picture. It should appear twice in every article. Hell, she wouldn’t be vice-president of my country, I’d have been happy for her to be elected (assuming nothing, nothing whatsoever, ever happens to compromise the health of John McCain).
February 19th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
hilarious
i would actually like to read “8 reasons the republicans invented syphilis” though
February 19th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
sarah palin? i get off to her pictures on google images daily.
its no big deal
February 19th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Bravo sir, bravo. On an unrelated note I still wanna fuck Palin. Hard.
February 19th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
“Mr. Right Says: I thought you were chasing Carmen Sandiego.”
I totally thought the same thing.
February 19th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Great…ABSOLUTELY FUCKING GREAT! I say you fight the dress code thing. After all casual Friday has to be casual, right?
February 19th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Awesome.
February 19th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
“Sarah Palin is filled with dog shit? And you want to get it out of her, by fucking her?
I’m going to be sick, I just had one of those vivid images people with an imagination have”
Sarah Palin is definitely full of some kind of shit and I would like to get it out of her by fucking the republican right out of her.
February 19th, 2009 at 11:06 am
This was really funny, I laughed my ass off. Thanks!
February 19th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Glad some people appreciated the reference to Dragonlance: The shoddy Go-Bots to the shiny Lord of the Ring’s Transformers.
Artic,
I might marry you, depending on whether or not you are rich, have a fatal, exploitable allergy to everyday items, and enjoy amending your will on a whim. That’s what true love’s about!
Kingmonkey,
You’re confused. Bucholz isn’t a robot, he’s just Canadian. It’s understandable though, they do share some similarities: Obedient, Useful, Soulless.
February 19th, 2009 at 8:36 am
Hey, if you fight robots, Robway, and Bucholz is a robot, must you eventually duel to the death?
February 19th, 2009 at 8:08 am
Oh my god this was so freaking hilarious.
February 19th, 2009 at 7:24 am
Boner-tastic, to say the least!
February 19th, 2009 at 5:48 am
you forgot the most important reason.
February 19th, 2009 at 4:12 am
yup not a magic the gathering card, but from another, less successful wizards of the coast card game called Vampire, formerly known as Jyhad.
February 19th, 2009 at 4:00 am
That’s not a ‘Magic: The Gathering Card’. Not even close…
February 19th, 2009 at 1:31 am
That last editorial comment summed everything up hilariouslitiously.
February 19th, 2009 at 1:25 am
Good stuff. Oddly enough, I discovered Cracked by typing in “most badass presidents of all time” to google. And thats when this nubile, barely-legal nerd-woman truly discovered happiness. Well maybe not a nerd-woman, but the others hold true.
February 19th, 2009 at 12:24 am
I just realized, this is the first time I’ve heard a reference to Dragonlance anywhere. Ever.
February 19th, 2009 at 12:23 am
“fuck the dog shit out of her.”
Sarah Palin is filled with dog shit? And you want to get it out of her, by fucking her?
I’m going to be sick, I just had one of those vivid images people with an imagination have.
February 19th, 2009 at 12:16 am
tl;dr
February 19th, 2009 at 12:02 am
this is hilarious lol!!!!!
February 18th, 2009 at 11:31 pm
Seeing palin made me wanna barf..srsly…
kinda like this
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2233878.ece
that really made me sick
February 18th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
OMFG!!!!! I repeat my question; Mr. Brockway, will you marry me?
Absolutley astounding!!
February 18th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
eew..
im not sure how to take this one.
not great, not horrid.
well, kinda horrid.
( horrid……..you………..hot pockets……….alias……………..jesus………….great )
on the w00tman’s scale of greatness.
February 18th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
that’s totally not a magic the gathering card you asshat! take it from me, the 30 year old magic player, who also reads dragonlance. And no, republicans are not black robes…black robes shun conformity, traditional values, and moral fibre. They are stodgy white robes…and YOU my friend, are a kender. There…I said it, kender.
February 18th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Awww yeah throwing down some old school Krynn references, this is how we roll baby!
February 18th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
If this article was a cake, it would taste like awesome.
February 18th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
She is my favorite. Just saw her on ageless personals site “”"” A g e l e s s M a t c h . c om”"”"”" last week. I am wondering what kind of relationship she is looking for on that site. Is she single again now?
February 18th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
“The Jonas Brothers, raped an entire middle school in Utah”
Yeah, but that actually happened.
February 18th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
you are nuts….. and thats a good thing
February 18th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
Who else thought of ADIO rather than Adidas when the little Italian started yelling? Ed is uncool.
February 18th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
Dear Mr. Cockway,
Wait, the chase was from Ailias? I thought you were chasing Carmen Sandiego.
February 18th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
well done, Mr. Brockway…
i quite enjoyed your interpretation of reality.
February 18th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHA
February 18th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
loved this
February 18th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Good article Brockway and you know, I know the Palin pictures are photoshopped, but I would still fuck the dogshit out of her.
February 18th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Magic: The Gathering is actually a cool game, but no, that is not what the cards look like.
February 18th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Funnily enough, I was considering submitting an article.
February 18th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
[...] week’s Cracked column is up over here. It’s a column about why I don’t get columns picked up that is currently being run in [...]
February 18th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
White Wolf, that was meant to be.
*nervous laughter*
Okay, Mr Brockway, I get off your page now.
*gets back in her box*
P.
February 18th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
P.S. Okay, so I just read down a bit. Vampire: The Eternal Struggle (formerly known as Jyhad, before the Oh-My-God-Are-We-Goddamn-Insane-Here PR panic of not very long ago AT ALL) is the card game, while Vampire: The Masquerade is the tabletop and LARP system. Both are White Wold products, set in the World of Darkness[tm].
Bigger geek dan joo, bitches.
*hangs head in shame*
P.
February 18th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
Yeah, Brockway, with the featuring a VTES card!
Also, it’s okay, man. I believe you. I bet she was totally hot, too.
*nods sagely*
How can they stifle your sibyl-like truthsomeness like that? What’s next, a popular news network openly editing and selecting detail to be presented in such a way as furthers an obviously right-wing political agenda?
Where will it end, Robert?
WHERE WILL IT END?!
P.
February 18th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
I’m pretty sure that’s a Vampire: the Masquerade card.
Not that I play silly nerd games like that, I’m too busy fucking supermodels on my motorcycle made of bears.
February 18th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
LMAO!!!! repetition.
February 18th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
haha amazing! LMAO
February 18th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Gemineye870530,
I would be totally down for that, except that according to my comments sections, DOB and I are the same person. I like to think that I am his Tyler Durden, but I think we all know it’s the other way around.
DanManX,
I did not even slightly understand what you were trying to tell me. I got the sense that I was being accused of something, but somebody stole all of your punctuation, so it was impossible to tell exactly what.
Dean, pitscorpion,
You guys just failed the nerd test.
February 18th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
*slow clap sounds*
February 18th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
“Slander” is not a magic card. Fact check… damn I sound just like Ed.
February 18th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
brockway you’re my new favourite! please you and dob must do an article together.
February 18th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Yeah yeah, I get it , there are people out there funnier than me I should take my dreams and burn them. Thanks.
February 18th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Five stars, unbelievable!!!
LMAO
February 18th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
“wii gonna get raped”
haha priceless
February 18th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
thats vampire the masquerade.
February 18th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
When you said “I AM A MAN,” I had flashbacks to my ex boyfriend getting in the shower fully clothed and singing the man song from South Park. Don’t do that again.
February 18th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
“I’m saying I will molest your family if you ask literally anything from me ever again. I AM A MAN.
Furiously yours,”
Fuckin brillant eh!!
February 18th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
A+
February 18th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
I’d fight that dress code thing…forgetting pants is just like forgetting to do up your fly; harmless and innocent and too much hassel
February 18th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
DOB is the savior of the earth.
February 18th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Wonderful. Very Cheese-Wong like, which is awesome.
February 18th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
i love you, mr. brockway.
February 18th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Epic. That was just……. it brought a tear to my eye. Keep it up mate, this is quality stuff. I love the sheer randomness and the complete couldn’t give a fuck attitude.
My hat is off to you Sir.
February 18th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
I’m reading this in my political science class, and I had to cover my mouth to make sure I didn’t laugh out loud!
I’m sure my professor knows I’m not taking notes, or that his extremely thick Japanese accent is laugh-out-loud hilarious.
I can honestly say this is the funniest article I’ve ever read on here, and I’ve read a lot!
February 18th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
I love the back and forth between you and the editorial staff. Fantastic. When do you actually fight them? I would buy six tickets to see that. Six!
February 18th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Well, that felt incredibly convoluted. Editor comments always derail the narrative in my head, and when the comments are part of the narrative, I begin to stop caring about your story.
[This article is for people who mentally function at a higher level than you, obviously. -Ed]
Aw, FUGOFF!
February 18th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Brockway, you are a genius.
February 18th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
I have to admit, some of you responses made me lose it. Great article!
February 18th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Brockway, was that “I AM A MAN!” part of one of your responses a reference to another funny website? Say, a contributor to said site with a penchant for comics?
February 18th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
That was too hilarious, and I found myself lol-ing frequently. Good job Mr. Robert.
February 18th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
This Is A Comment
February 18th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
I actually feel ashamed because that other article you wrote, I really did want to write ‘tl;dr’ on it… Did I? I don’t remember. Anyway, sorry.
This one was pretty funny, though, so that’s good. ““Oooh! My name is Ed, and I’m super gay for italics.” Suck it sideways.” was the most epic thing you’ve written yet, so congrats. Hooray!