Reason #1 Factual Inaccuracies
This was a top-ranking google image search result for "factual inaccuracies." We will roll with that.Sometimes an interesting news story comes along that demands commentary but, alas, doesn’t offer enough material for an actual article. This is when we’re supposed to do a bizarre ritual they refer to as “re-search.” (There’s no hyphen in ‘research,’ Robert. Perhaps you should research the word research before writing about research practices. –Ed.) Now personally, I believe that’s a kind of cheating. Sure, I could go out there and learn “facts” from other, lesser writers who cover things that just happen to be “true,” but I am often too busy doing substantially more awesome things with my time than verifying articles. Right now, for instance, I’m sure that dickhead Ed had something snide to say about my uncertainty regarding the spelling of the word re-searching, but I can't hear him as I’m currently racing a motorcycle through the narrow alleyways of Southern Rome in an attempt to catch a sexy but elusive young lady clad entirely in red leather--the soft Italian sun glinting from her curves as she power-slides through the labyrinthine corridors. I'm supposed to stop that to do something as pedestrian as bust out a thesaurus? (You mean dictionary. –Ed) [I MEAN FUCK YOU, ED! -Robert]
This was also a top-ranking google image search result. Because nothing says Prince like "factual inaccuracies!"I think the editorial staff should just be grateful that I’m even writing this, dictating it, as I am, to the terrified pedestrians that I am speeding past, and just trusting in my irresistible personal charisma to implore them to record it for me. Here’s one proposal that was rejected for a few slight inaccuracies: Pitch: Wesley snipes was recently quoted as stating that he “wants to de-virginize” himself on the Nintendo Wii. I propose an in-depth look into the sordid sex lives of other black action stars, and the depraved acts they want to commit with video games.
"More like 'Wii gonna get raped,' know what I'm sayin?"Sample Entries #4: Mario Van Peebles wants to rub one out on a Gameboy, but has thus far been rejected. #3: Ice T once had a threesome with a Jaguar and a 3D0 in 1996, when they were both still totally hot. #2: Tyrese Gibson went down on an XBOX in a public bathroom. #1: Ice cube fucked a Genesis (up the ass).
"See this, Nintendo? This is called praying. You should start. Soon, baby."Editorial Feedback: This is a funny concept, Robert, but I couldn’t find any mention of these things actually happening... anywhere. I don’t mean to impugn your research. I’m sure you have some credible sources that you’ve pulled these entries from, what are they? -Ed My Response: Noble and Gentle Ed, I’m sure you’re well aware that a professional’s journalistic sources enjoy full confidentiality, and I am a professional, sir. I would not reveal my sources to you any more readily than I would reveal my balls to your mother at your annual family reunion. If you would not like to see the latter carried out, I suggest you desist in the requesting that I do the former. Do you understand what I’m saying here, Ed? I’m saying I will molest your family if you ask literally anything from me ever again. I AM A MAN. Furiously yours, -Robert
Reason #2 Slander and Libel
Slander: When whispered things shock sexy girls in glasses.I’d love to go a little more in-depth as to what, exactly, constitutes slander and libel, but it seems the sexy thief I'm chasing has run into a dead end, and is turning to engage me in a fist-fight. The distant static of crashing waves tells me we are near the harbor. A single gull cries out, and is silent. We await each other’s next move in tense stillness. I take this opportunity to scribble down the following example on a 1000 Lira note which I hand to a frightened boy. “RUN TO CRACKED!” I yell at the quickly fading figure. “ADDIO! ADDIO!” He replies. Man, just like an Italian to talk about shoes when there’s fighting to be done. (Two things, Robert: “Addio,” means farewell in Italian; you’re thinking of “Adidas.” Second, the Italians have actually converted to the Euro now. I’m enjoying the narrative, but perhaps you should change these things to better preserve the realism? – Ed) [“Oooh! My name is Ed, and I’m super gay for italics.” Suck it sideways. – Robert] Pitch: Title: Eight Reasons Why the Republican Party Invented Syphilis
#7. Sample Entry: Everybody knows that Republicans eat babies, but what you might not know is that they flavor these infantile delicacies with the sweet, tangy taste of Syphilis, a horrible disease which they had invented solely to season their mewling toddler meals. In 1476, the fledgling Republican Party had just dispelled the kindly god Paladine, and found they needed a new way to contaminate the world with evil to please their dark and immortal master, The Goddess of Tears Takhisis….
Listen, if Magic: The Gathering says that Republicans are vampires, then Republicans are fucking vampires, okay?Editorial Feedback: Look, we all appreciate what you’re trying do here, Robert, and as much as we here at Cracked support and advance the socialist agenda, I just don’t think you actually understand what a Republican is. I believe you are somehow confusing American politics with the plot of the Dragonlance series, and this could upset some people. Maybe if we framed it better, something like “Eight Reasons Why Republicans are Black Robes?” – Ed. My Response: To The Most Royal of Fuckwads Sir Ed, As much as I appreciate the feeble, awkward words you feel constantly compelled to scrawl over the staggering greatness of my work – your trembling verbs shaky and knock-kneed like a newborn deer – if you continue to insist on doing so, I will be forced to cut you. Cut you in your face. You will not be pretty anymore. Slashingly Yours, -Robert P.S. I was assuming you were pretty, like a snotty little rich girl, but now that I think about it, I bet you are actually ugly, like an ugly…poor…girl. I bet you are also stupid, and smell like Preparation H and farts. I will still cut you, however; your inherent deformity does not earn you a free pass for literary vandalism.