Cracked Columnists

3 More Shirts and a Sale to Honor America's Finest President

Quick, name the scientist who'd win a presidential election if it was between Thomas Edison and Nikola Tesla.

If you answered Edison, congratulations -- you either love jerks or know the requirements for being president. If you answered Tesla, you're probably one of the fine people who bought up the shirt design above at lightning speed. It sold out long ago, but we've had so many requests to bring it back that we're doing a limited reprint just for you. Buy now, otherwise your fellow Internet users will snatch them all up again for themselves like a bunch of greedy Edisons.

Two New Shirts of Technological Majesty!

The really fun thing about technology is mixing its highest achievements with humanity's lowest impulses (for proof, see Snapchat's extremely hackable servers). So please enjoy this week's first new shirt of ours, from the company outing that just has to eventually happen:

At least 2 out of 3 wet clairvoyants agree that you'll look great in this Minority Report-inspired celebration of corporate social requirements! The design comes to us from William Slone, and Philip K. Dick, and a clothing factory, and a bleak outlook on the future!

With this week's other new design, we asked ourselves what could possibly be done to make "Piano Man" feel fresh again. The answer by Scott O'Gara and Andy Hunt: a heady mix of technology, the Transformers 4 trailer, and taking titles as literally as possible. The drunks coming to see your Piano Man will be there to glimpse a terrifyingly awesome robot future, decide to sober up once and for all to enjoy it, and thank you for being so awesome.

Teddy Roosevelt Couldn't Be Bought, But His Memory Can Be!

Since presidents are democratic by nature, no one president can own a whole day like a tyrant. Just as Lincoln's birthday is really Darwin Day, Washington's birthday is really Presidents' Day, which means we can spend it celebrating the one president who could kick Washington's ass (we think? Haven't read the relevant text on that subject yet).

Our Presidents' Day party is an entire week long, because our Monochrome, our Wild Card, and our Autobot TR shirts are on sale at 20 percent off with promo code TEDDY through Friday the 21st. And just because we're feeling more generous than Teddy was toward William Howard Taft's faults, that sale also extends to our new shirts this week.

Procrastinators Rejoice! We Still Want Ideas for Great Art, Revisited in a Minimalist Fashion

If you can get us an idea before Tuesday afternoon (which is a day and a half from us hitting "publish" on this post), we might just give you eternal T-shirt glory and $500. Don't let the time crunch scare you. You can do it. Imagine it's a term paper, but with real-world ramifications. Oh, and if you ever have a stray T-shirt idea jump to mind, there is an infrequently monitored thread for those too, and while we don't officially demand that your pitches be Billy Joel-themed, you should probably at least soundtrack your brainstorming with a The Nylon Curtain deep cut.

Our Weekly Dose of Envy

So we do our Rooseveltian best to dress you as "bully!" as possible, but even a Bull Moose must rest after enough presidential terms/bullet wounds/Amazon River near-deaths. Here are the Internet's five strongest new candidates for your torso, all of which you can elect, using PayPal ... man, this analogy got away.

5)


Available at Headline Shirts

4)


Available at Threadless

3)


Available at Shirtoid

2)


Availabe at Busted Tees

1)


Available at The Yetee

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Alex Schmidt

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