I've wanted to write this column for quite some time, but I was afraid of coming off as some sort of spokesman for angry dudes everywhere. I'm not. Frankly, I'm not a big fan of most men, and I think women have every reason not to trust us, especially when it comes to sex. After all, most guys would cut their own dick off to get laid.
Here's a visual to help with the sound you just heard in your head.
So yes, ladies, you're right. When it comes to sexual interactions, men are mostly awful. But now what? You think you'll avoid all the problems that come from interacting with half the human race just because you know we're not to be trusted? Clearly, that's not enough, because everyone knows that, and yet you keep stepping in it. Here are three of the biggest mistakes women make when it comes to men.
#3. Playing Hard to Get Is a Good Idea
This technique is as old as it is pointless, but before we see why, let's get the terminology right. This entry is about playing hard to get. That doesn't mean being hard to get. Women of the world: Please go out and be every bit as picky as you think you deserve. No one --not even an incredibly sexy older man writing for a successful website -- has the right to tell you who you should be dating. Standards are great, and kudos to you for having them. What I'm talking about is women who are actually in the market for a specific man. They know who they want, they got him all picked out and their strategy for landing him is simply "playing hard to get." What a boring, useless waste of time.
Some of you disagree. "Bullshit," you say, while wearing your incredibly tight top of indifference and pretending to have no peripheral vision. "I'll play hard to get and distinguish myself!"
This is you.
Distinguishing yourself. That's the whole point of playing hard to get. Instead of being like the other needy girls, you act super cool and uninterested to stand out. You know what else would distinguish you? Giving better head than everyone else.
Now, before you string me up for being crass, just hear me out. I'm proving a point (via an oral sex joke the way the good Lord intended). It makes sense to want to stand out from the crowd -- to do something to distinguish yourself. But why not actually do something? Be funnier, smarter, kinder, or, yes (even though it was a joke), better in bed. At least those are skills. Something tangible.
What's playing hard to get? The talent to do nothing: "Oh, I won't look at him. I won't laugh at his jokes. I won't tell him his video series is amazing."
But let's say I'm wrong. We'll pretend playing hard to get is like the most super way to get a guy ever. We'll pretend you did your trick and instead of finding you tedious and bland, your dude asked you out. (And you eventually accepted.) Just do me a favor and fast forward a little bit. Two weeks from now, what do you want your boyfriend to tell his friends about the relationship? "Oh, the way she just sat there and did nothing was amazing. I just had to have her. There she was, not talking to me too much and not making too much eye contact, and I was all, man, I would love to have a girlfriend that might not actually dig me."
Wouldn't you rather overhear him say, "I met this girl the other night and she was so funny I laughed the whole night." Or "This new girl, she gets things that no other woman gets. I can talk to her." Or lastly, wouldn't even praise for your sexual performance be more gratifying than how awesome you are at hiding your feelings and true desires?
"And you know what she said? Nothing! Isn't that great?"
But there's a bigger problem. Which guys are most susceptible to the "playing hard to get" trick? Only the kind of dude who wants what he can't have. Exactly. If your trick gets you a prize, then congratulations, you just won a dick. Your new man doesn't actually want you. How could he? You didn't even show him you. You were too busy being cool. He just wanted a toy he didn't own yet. And guess what? Once he has you, you lose your only distinguishing characteristic. But I'm sure he won't resent you for it. After all, you just went fishing with super-smart bait -- the kind that only attracts assholes and disappears completely the moment they bite. Well played.
#2. Guys Are All About "Negging"
Lately, I've been hearing a lot of women talk about "negging." Do you know about this? Supposedly it's a flirting technique where a guy insults a woman to lower her self-esteem, thereby making her more susceptible to being hit on. Some quick research tells me it's a technique championed by that d-bag "Mystery" who you might recall from the VH1 show The Pickup Artist. I didn't watch the show, and I assume you didn't either, unless you're having a smarter friend read this aloud for you while you stumble toward literacy.
"Hi. My name's Mystery. My mother is petitioning Webster's to come up with a stronger word for 'shame.'"
I tend to think this negging phenomenon is complete bullshit. Most guys I know aren't exactly sexual Hannibal Lecters, capable of deconstructing and rebuilding a woman's psyche for sex. It's hard enough for us to keep the little things straight: "Smile, don't stare at her tits, don't stare at her tits, say she's pretty, smile, don't stare at her tits, you stared at her tits, stop staring at her tits, smile ..." And yet, I keep hearing about this and seeing it in Facebook statuses and Tweets, and I don't think it's because men won't stop negging. I think it's because women like the idea of negging.
You can understand why it's attractive. Now a man can't criticize a woman without being accused of wanting to have sex with her. Look, maybe some sad, misguided men are negging, but ladies, let me ask you this: Have you ever considered that perhaps some of you just suck? Like for real? I mean, I can't give you exact statistics, but there's got to be a fairly large percentage of women going on about negging who are just legitimately awful. And now they're bulletproof in their little negging sanctuaries.
Man: You white supremacist bitch. You just set fire to that black Baptist church!
Woman: ... Are you negging? You're so negging.
Man: My God, no! I just hate you.
Man: No seriously. I don't even understand how you exist. It's like the ghost of Josef Mengele raped Pol Pot's stem cells. You're just evil.
Woman: Maybe, but you'd still fuck me.
Man: Well, yeah?
Most men want to have sex with women, but you can't disqualify an opinion just because it has a penis attached to it. Personally, if I weren't allowed to critique women I wanted to jump, I never would have made it through my 18th Century Feminist Theory class. (Mary Wollstonecraft FTW!)
Yes, I'm still wildly attracted to you, but your prose is a little stilted, baby.