Know what’s just around the corner? Only the most funnest holiday ever — April Fool’s Day! I mean, who doesn’t love April Fool’s Day? No one. That’s who! Name another holiday that lets you to engage in good-natured hijinks and tomfoolery with none of the ramifications you would normally expect? (I know what you’re thinking. Ash Wednesday, right? But it turns out that churchgoers actually want the priest to leave that sooty stain on their foreheads, so that doesn’t technically doesn’t count as a prank.)
So with this awesome holiday drawing near, I thought it would be a good time to review three classic April Fool’s pranks for you to try out on your friends and loved ones. Remember, it’s April Fool’s Day, so it’s just good clean fun!
The prank phone call is an April Fool Day’s classic. The way it works is you call someone up and say something that isn’t true. And then when your untruth generates their hilarious reaction, you tell the person what you said isn’t true. And then further hilarity ensues.
What you’ll need:
A parent who loves you
A telephone
A policeman’s uniform and disguise (if you make the call on Skype).
You’ll need a fake persona for your prank call, and pretending to be a police officer is a good variation on this classic. Sure, impersonating an officer is typically a crime, but it’s April Fool’s Day. The day law forgot! So after you disguise your voice (or your voice and your appearance for Skypers) call someone who really cares about you and tell them you’re dead. Don’t be confused. You’re not a ghost. You’re pretending to be a police officer telling them you’re dead. And not a dead police officer. A police officer advising them that the real you is dead. (Hey, no one said perpetrating classic April Fool’s Day pranks was going to be easy).
Hint: To make this prank believable, you can’t give everything away too quickly:
YOU (as police officer)
Mrs. Jenkins?
YOUR MOM (If her last name is Jenkins)
Yes?
YOU
This is Officer Mulrooney. I’m afraid I need you to come down to the station.
YOUR MOM
Why? What’s going on?
YOU
I think it would be best to tell you when you’re at the station ma’am.
YOUR MOM
Is something wrong? What’s the matter?
YOU
Well, it’s about your son.
YOUR MOM
Has he done something wrong?
Now this part of the prank is critical. You need to allay the victim’s concern at first, to give the subsequent April Fool’s zinger maximum impact:
YOU
Oh, not at all.
YOUR MOM
Oh, you had me worried.
YOU
Yes. I’m sorry. I’m just calling because he’s dead.
YOUR MOM
WHAT?
YOU
Yes. Head sliced clean off in an industrial accident.
YOUR MOM
AAAAIIIIGH!!!!!
Now, this next line might be hard to deliver because you’ll be laughing so hard. I mean, here you have your mom feeling the worst pain she’s ever experienced so it is pretty hilarious, but the joy of April Fool’s Day is sharing the delight of a fun joke well-played. So after about three minutes of gut-wrenching moaning and guttural noises, be sure to scream nice and clear “APRIL FOOL’S DAY!”
If you do it right, you and your mom will have a classic April Fool’s Day memory to share for years to come!
A good way to design an April Fool’s prank is to mess with people’s favorite possessions. The two things that people like most? Their cars and not dying.
What you’ll need:
Wire clippers
A friend or loved one who owns a car
Did you know that disabling a car’s brakes is fairly easy? It’s just a matter of clipping the right wires. And since you’re going to be playing this prank on friend, you don’t even need burglar’s tools to pick the lock or jimmy the hood open. You can probably just get access when he’s not looking.
If not, use a clever ploy such as saying, “Hey good friend who owns a car, you should check out Cracked.com today. They’re running an article called ‘Top 7 Things Said By Optimus Prime That Sound Really Gay When Taken Out of Context.’ Or if your friend is not a fan of well-crafted, popular culture-referencing, list-based comedy, say, “Hey I heard a rumor that Hate By Numbers™ is returning to Cracked.com. You should probably go watch the entire catalog.” Hint: remember to wait for your friend to leave before cutting his brakes.
At this point in the prank, some people seek safety by refusing to ride in the now disabled car with their friend. But those April Fool’s Day poopers are missing the best part: screaming “April Fool’s Day” moments before their friends’ horrific deaths.
Still, if you don’t have the proper spirit, a variation on this prank is merely disabling your friends airbag (but not yours) while distracting him from the passenger seat (with airbag) thereby causing an accident. There’s always more than one way to have a good time on April Fool’s Day!
This April Fool’s Day classic takes people’s natural love of pornography and surprise packages and turns it into something hilarious.
What you’ll need:
The contact information of a Cracked.com columnist other than me.
Child pornography
The desire to pull the greatest April Fool’s Day prank ever!
If there’s one thing Cracked columnists enjoy, it’s stealing G-Stone’s good ideas and dumbing them down for broader appeal. But if it’s two things they enjoy, it’s getting porn from readers.
Want to turn that personality trait into a hilarious prank? Here’s what you do! First, either be an underage girl with a camera or own pornography of an underage girl. (You’d be surprised how many Cracked.com readers fit that profile.) Then send those materials off to Dan O’Brien, Michael Swaim or Robert Brockway. (Chris Bucholz is excluded from this list because I’m pretty sure kiddie porn is not big deal in Canada.)
“But wait, G-Stone?” you ask. “Isn’t mere possession of child pornography illegal?”
“I’m sure it is,” I reply. “Its existence is a pox on humanity and a federal offense, I think”
“Then why would I want to own it or send it to writers I enjoy?”
Friends, your questions sadden me. What part of APRIL FOOL’S DAY, don’t you understand?
-(Thanks to Emily Gheseger for the column suggestion)
This entry was posted on Thursday, March 26th, 2009 at 3:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
The Trials of Gladstone (as told by Franz Kafka)
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October 29th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
As people are still commenting on this, I figured I would throw in my two pence worth.
DOB - you rock. Your rebuttal to Dr Gayarse was superbly put and captured most of how I feel about the dumbing down of humanity.
I didn’t find this as funny as other lists but having found this site a few months ago, I have cried with laughter every single time I have visited. Thank you Cracked for keeping on getting me into trouble at work!! :oP
October 26th, 2009 at 10:24 am
i prefer you guys in writing far more than video
keep up the good work
October 25th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Every time I read an article on cracked, it fills me with joy. I know I can always depend on cracked to supply me with daily humor.
Then, I scroll down to the comments, and I see so many clearly inflammatory remarks, and it makes me sad.
There’s nothing wrong with citing specific parts of an article that you don’t like; that’s what we call being constructive.
What I don’t understand, is reading an entire article, going to the comments section, and telling everyone that “cracked is terrible and that if I read one more article I will quit the internet forevar.” Just so you can get on cracked the next day and do it again.
People who post to tell the author how much they like the article and that they need to keep up the good work are the small glimmer of hope in the dark cesspool that is the cracked comment section.
Alright, that’s my rant for the day. Thanks for listening, those of you that took the time to read this.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:23 am
@ The whole DOB/Dr Chaos shitstorm down there, I just want to comment on the dumbing down of the internet bit. Why is it necessarily bad that the internet is changing to an easier medium? Sure theres less effort required, and less intelect but I don’t think thats intrinsically bad (thats my big word quota for the day all filled up).
September 30th, 2009 at 6:06 am
I know I’m getting into this kinda late, but just to take a steaming dump on Dr. Gay-ous, I find Gladstone about 32 bazillion times funnier in written word than on that god awful Hate By Numbers. I’ll take Gladstones lucid, funny writing over his wooden, comedy devoid “acting” ANY day. Cracked has improved exponentially by letting (making?) Gladstone go back to articles.
September 12th, 2009 at 9:36 am
Thank you DOB for the intelligent and calm reply to what was clearly intended as an inflammatory comment. I love that you can be a deviant fucker who makes dick jokes so bad that they’re hysterical again, and yet when required has the natural writing ability to categorically and unquestionably shut down one of the idiot commentators. That kind of flexibility in writing is a rare and wonderful talent, and I take the opportunity to enjoy all sides of it.
Gladstone, I love reading your articles. I rarely comment because, well, if I were writing internet articles the only time I would read my comments section would be trying to find motivation to pull the trigger on the gun in my mouth. Hate by Numbers was largely hilarious, and I watched most of them, but your articles also tend to be intelligent and coherent when required, and completely outrageous, ludicrous, and hilarious the other times. As with anything, some are funnier than others, but I always enjoy the read and most of the time laugh hysterically.
Some of us come to Cracked -because- of the articles, because we want to read about bizarre topics and laugh, because overblown dick jokes tastefully inserted into a serious topic are just our style.
Please keep writing all of you! We love you!
September 10th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
This is all kinds of not funny. Go hit yourself in the face a few times and try again.
September 10th, 2009 at 11:12 am
This is an awful website!! You should be ashamed. Pranks like that are not funny!!!!!! You are a sicko!!
September 1st, 2009 at 4:55 pm
The fact that people do not see the humor in this article make me want to cry. Seriously, this was funny, good job Gladstone!
August 26th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Benny…
Hey, useful post but can’t agree on all things mentioned here. Thanks anyway :)…
August 24th, 2009 at 4:34 am
Great articles & Nice a site
August 14th, 2009 at 8:56 am
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July 11th, 2009 at 2:05 am
I got a prank phone call once, very like the one you described, only it turned out not to be a prank. And it wasn’t April Fool’s Day either but it was a teenager calling and it was an outrageous sounding accident.
June 6th, 2009 at 6:16 am
Me too! lets get together!
May 30th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
I’m an underage girl with a camera! Joy!
May 28th, 2009 at 2:39 am
Tried it on my mom. Not nice, but hella funny!
To make it worse, I had one of my police officer friends actually go to our house. Wow, he was really good at keeping a straight face. I didn’t go home that night, I waited till April 2 to let my family see me.
I got grounded but not for long since my mom was really, REALLY happy to see I wasn’t really dead. Hilarious!
May 22nd, 2009 at 12:09 am
Ha!
You would think that they world have OK’d it at the beginning instead of allowing it to go so long without saying a thing and then bringing it back up when it was too late. I don’t understand it at all. Hoodia
May 20th, 2009 at 3:10 am
None of my friends got cars. Will a bike do? A bicycle…
May 9th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
I love minors.
Gladstone Live! 11:00 PM EST Saturday, May 9
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Unusable-Signal
April 9th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Oh my goodness. I’ve decided to compile the comments from Doctorchaos because it will be, most accurately, a compilation of ignorance.
And then I saw DOB’s response. To this, I say:
You are the coolest fucking thing ever. Seriously, that was amazing. I will never read anything ever again that will make my life worth living like that did.
Although I must say, Gladstone, I enjoyed this one. I usually do though, you’re just a funny fucker.
April 6th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
wow, did DOB just imply that he actually likes gladstone. I always assumed they hated each other.
April 4th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
I really enjoy Gladstone’s writing and I facebook stalk him on the regular but I think the best part of this article was DOB’s post. The whole instant gratification/no attention span assessment is so spot on in describing so many of my peers and I’m glad I’m not the only person who finds that incredibly disheartening. I mean damn, it’s just so good to know that DOB is more interested in preserving integrity in writing and providing people with quality, funny shit to read instead of I don’t know, running Cracked like it’s fucking Gawker.
(Seriously Doctorchaos? Get fucked.)
For real though, that was kind of moving dude.
April 3rd, 2009 at 8:12 pm
@Ragin’ Aiden:
SCREW THE RULES I HAVE MONEY
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:24 pm
I see no humor in that first one at all. Even if your mom is cool, I think that’s a pretty good way to get her to hate you.
April 2nd, 2009 at 12:49 pm
uhhh….so what if i really am dead?
April 1st, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Sauce on that pic? I feel as though I recognize her.
April 1st, 2009 at 1:36 pm
How about the Top Ten April Fools’ Day Jokes of all time!
http://therestrainingorder.com/wordpress/2009/04/01/top-ten-april-fools-day-jokes/
April 1st, 2009 at 11:44 am
The fact that some readers read this article as actual suggestions for April Fools pranks makes me want to cry. Either that break into the Cracked main frame, track you down through the IP address, and have them forcibly euthanized.
April 1st, 2009 at 8:02 am
These are a tad extreme though.
April 1st, 2009 at 7:07 am
Some moms may die from a heart attack after this prank phone call! This is no fun!
April 1st, 2009 at 4:24 am
Happy April Fool’s Day everyone.
Happy Birthday Tiner!
March 31st, 2009 at 10:09 pm
i was in search of “the worst pranks ever to have been pulled on fools day”. So these somewaht ain’t helping me in anyway.
March 31st, 2009 at 6:46 pm
[...] remaining until the end of the year. April 1 is most notable in the Western world for being April Fools’ Day. Oh yeah, I almost forgot … Skynet becomes aware on April [...]
March 31st, 2009 at 5:27 pm
these pranks are not good enough…………………………………………………………………….
March 30th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
Whhooo April fools is definately the best day…Because its my birthday
March 30th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Your prank phone call is weak. the best thing to do is call a friends hotheaded parents, pretend to be a blockbuster employee, and claim that they have a movie out, and it will be charged to their card along with a $25 restocking fee. after arguing with them for x-mins tell them they can come yell at your manager if they like…hes a dick anyway. Me and my friends have done this with great success…one time we went and watched 2 different ppl we called come in and yell a shit storm at the manager…many other variations came to mind while i wrote this…calling to confirm details on catering…also arranging for various consulting firms to come to the house is awesome.
March 30th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
3 Classic April Fool’s Day Pranks! | Cracked.com…
Happy April’s Fools…
March 30th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
I came here for an article entitle “3 Classic April Fool’s Day Pranks” and instead I got an article that describes 3 quick and easy ways to get arrested with possible jail time on April Fool’s Day.
March 29th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Judas Priest, in recognition of your awesomeness, record a song all in your honor?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rz9Ocx__vYY
They had to rename it for copyright reasons evidently, but they are clearly screaming your name in praise during the chorus.
March 29th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
dear dear nieve jakeFM
can you not see you are helplessly lost and wrong…..
he is obiously Caret top the cumidian, he is funny
think about
that……
March 29th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
April fools day is the best holiday! but what if you want somthing that will make the victem laugh get mad and get dirty[as in mud dirty and ketchup dirty] whel then here is the perfect prank….
1. get ranalds wrap or somthing see through
2. wait till evrybody in your home is asleep
3. put the wranalds wrap under the toilet seat
4. wait till someone uses the pody….
sorry, if it was your wife/husband you just got divorced!
March 29th, 2009 at 10:07 am
This reminds me of the time I got hit in the face and my sight turned milky.
March 28th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
In response to Ragin’ Aiden:
“Don’t try to turn Brooklyn Rage into a catch phrase! Just keep saying “meh”, it’s all your good for!”
“Joey!! How do you stop dis crazy ting?!?”
“Apply da breaks you dumb broad!”
March 28th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
These are very good.
March 28th, 2009 at 10:05 am
BROOKLYN RAGE
March 27th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
@CodyCastor - Brilliant! I will never again complain about 3 item lists.
March 27th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
I think Dr Chaos is secretly Robert Brockway
…think about it
March 27th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
@Lounsey: The Top 3 Rice Krispies Mascots.
March 27th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
kiddie pron
March 27th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Anonymous has done far better.
We are legion
March 27th, 2009 at 9:40 am
@lbh No kingmonkey and I aren’t talking anymore, he knows what he did.
March 27th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Why is anyone taking Doctorchaos seriously?
He uses “aint” as an actual word.
March 27th, 2009 at 8:07 am
Umm i dont read Cracked articles according to who wrote them… personally i check the titles and read the ones i think, hmmm yup they got a good margin to throw some funny stuff in here, or those that make me think: hey that’s interesting let me check it out. At the end i see who wrote it and think ok (insert cracked writers name), that was great. Videos i don’t watch, mainly because i kinda read the articles at work (by kinda i mean always). and let me just say i think you guys are great!!! you guys have made me a master at the art of disguising my laughter with cough and back of the head scratching!! =]
Sacred Cows make the best Hamburgers!!!
March 27th, 2009 at 8:00 am
I’ve created an account just to say cracked is awesome and don’t let guys like chaos piss you off. I don’t know how you find out half the stuff you do, and I don’t know how you manage to write so often whilst always keeping it funny. I laughed at this article, and whilst it was shorter than most, I accept that. Keep up the good work guys.
March 27th, 2009 at 5:56 am
@lbh my comment about telling my boyfriend I was pregnant? my response to Doctorchaos? Which comment? Either way, thanks!
I don’t get the argument about how many items you need to have in a list…. anybody got any ideas for 3 Item Lists that stand alone as important lists?… I am tired and at work and my brain won’t think of one. tgif amiright!?
March 27th, 2009 at 4:14 am
Gladstone, I opted to spank the Digg button instead of Dr. Chaos.
…You’re welcome.
March 27th, 2009 at 4:02 am
Lounsey: It’s Friday and your original comment………….still funny
Kingmonkey: Not me. How was it homeschooling your kid? (so what are you and glendoor not speaking anymore?)
CodyCastor: “You’ll have to obtain an outside intern…”- Are you volunteering?
“Methinks if the wrong person reads this comment section…”- With the wealth of the comment section dedicated to bitch-slapping Dr. Chaos I’m pretty sure my suggestions are buried in the furor.
Also that guy in Wellsey has been linked to 2 other bankjobs in as many weeks.
March 27th, 2009 at 3:43 am
I just reread this post a day later. I like it. I’m guessing the mixed reaction had a lot to do with the fancy list headers I used. I stole that html from a Brockway post. I’m sorry. You deserve better than that.
March 27th, 2009 at 2:47 am
Did anyone see last year’s BBC april fools joke? The put an advert on the telly showing penguins flying.
I totally bought it too.
March 27th, 2009 at 2:36 am
Um… is it a little sick if I’ve actually done a couple of these…?
March 26th, 2009 at 11:54 pm
Jesus Daniel. Your post was longer than the article. Get a room.
March 26th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
Fantastic. I have tried some of these pranks before, but most result in felony criminal charges. With any luck I won’t have to comment on Cracked columns from the prison computers in a few years. Until then, I have to make it quick so Bubba and One-Eyed Carl don’t “check my inbox”. Uh oh, here they come now…
March 26th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
“Good job, Dan. Now I almost feel bad pretending to be Dr. Chaos this whole time.”
So what are saying Gladstone, that you have herpes?
March 26th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
I find it amusing that anyone who could take the side of “I need a break from reading” would find their way into the comments section. It seems a bit counter-intuitive.
As of starting to write this post, 151 comments have already been made. A decent amount of these 151 comments comprise nearly as much reading as the entire article. If you’ve taken the time to read the comments section before posting, you’ve read several times as much as you’d have “labored” through had you just stopped with the article.
The choice to read the entire article, and then proceed to read the comments section, followed by taking the stance that you find reading laborious in large quantities… well that’s got to be one of the more impressive displays of stupidity I’ve seen.
March 26th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Should have done it on bears like I suggested.
March 26th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
@ DOB
Maybe I missed it somehow, but I’m pretty sure the word “fuck” did not appear in your post. Please correct this mistake.
I visit Cracked multiple times a day, it’s one of my Top 5 sites on the web, and I almost never watch any of the videos. I’ll watch Swaim, but that’s about it. So put me down as a fan of the written word.
March 26th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
Not your best article overall, but that third one was brilliant.
Also, DOB, you are fantastic.
March 26th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Shit. I laughed out loud a couple of times. I’m very drunk, though.
March 26th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
I check this site everyday. I always find myself laughing out loud at something and today it was definitely “But those April Fool’s Day poopers are missing the best part: screaming “April Fool’s Day” moments before their friends’ horrific deaths.” Also black.ironmans comment.
I thought this article was awesome.
March 26th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
@Lounsey:
sometimes there is no action left but to slay the troll.
er, metaphorically…
with words, of course.
March 26th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
I love the defence of the written word, almost more than I enjoyed the article. I had to google what tl;dr even means….I am just not into those abbreviations.
Also, I have to sober up and go to the Grand Prix now….
March 26th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
Come on Gladstone WTF?!?!? Bring back your fucking videos! I don’t even know how to read!
March 26th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
Ok, my friend actually did die on april fools day… thats fucked up.
March 26th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
This has been one of the greatest community efforts to drive off the evil dude in cracked history (or as far as I know of it). It truely prooves that the readers here, the people who come and laugh and aren’t comment trolls, and the amazing writers are much more intelligent then we give them credit for. Pretty good day’s work, let’s see what we come up with tomorrow.
@DOB. I put you in much higher respect at this point. You are my hero.
March 26th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
I don’t follow the main writers so I’m not judging this article on his past articles but this one felt very lacking. Especially after the last two articles which were simply awesome.
March 26th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
The reason people don’t like G-stone is he can be a pompous, narcissistic asshole. He’s snarky, and not always in a charming, counter culture disconnect sort of way. But he’s still an asset.
As for Dr. Chaos, I want to preface a comment on that by saying this: I’m an aspiring novelist. I hate the Kindle. I am somewhat of a technophobe. I have an abiding love for pages, ink, grammar and punctuation. The day we lose text to video is the day we lose a part of our souls. In short, I strongly support text-based articles.
With that said, Dr. Chaos has a point. Read me out…
It’s not that G-stone and Swaim are shit, hack writers. They’re not; they can hang with the best of ‘em on Cracked and anywhere else (seriously, try perusing other comedy websites, you’ll swiftly discover Cracked to be ahead of the curve). But that’s the problem here: saturation. The videos they provided (especially HBN) were unique and a breath of fresh air, a nice four minute break from the work associated with reading. I’m not against the labor of art; again, I write novels, which means I read all the time. I run. I workout. “I know kung fu,” as Neo said. There is joy and release with the labor text sometimes demands. That’s okay; that’s good! But just as the workout is good, so is the water break.
Maybe it’s just me, I’ll concede that. I’ve been called “intelligent” all my life, however wrongfully generous the compliment. Reading comprehension is my strong suit, but it still requires something of me. Videos give a nice break from that. So, G-STONE AND SWAIM’S VIDEOS WERE SALIENT PALATE CLEANSERS. That is why they are missed (at least by me). I don’t want less articles and more videos. Hell, I miss the older articles that weren’t list-based! But regular thematic videos like HBN brought a consistent departure from the norm, adding just the right amount of reliable variety.
Aristotle was right about moderation. But G-stone’s still a douche; Swaim’s still a lesbian; and DOB’s still a leprechaun. What? You know I can’t post ANYTHING without insulting SOMEONE. What more do you want from me?!
March 26th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Wow, DOB is pretty rad! That was really a great comment that, I think, went to the heart of much of the problem with working on the web and, in general, the internet as a whole.
Earlier on, the internet was like a buffet of ideas where you could pick and choose and sample and figure out what you liked and support it. These days, much like the breaking down of written content on the web, instead of trying to develop interests and supporting growing sites, many people would rather go back to the same mainstream media outlets and shallow material again and again, and instead of voting with their clicks out the door, they sit and bitch and complain and hold everything else to the same shallow standards.
For every letter that some dude who isn’t even as classy as a troll phones in a bitchfest about something, there’s some furry making a good buck off that community because, strange as they are, they just don’t really give a fuck about winning the internet and are just having themselves a good time and supporting the things they feel have real value. The next time you download a shitty top 40 single or rant on about how George Lucas ruined Star Wars, imagine those furries next door fucking and not having a care in the world to how shitty your day’s been.
March 26th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
I hit page down and accidentally ran into Daniel O’ Brien’s rebuttal, which lead me to Doctor Chaos’ original comment.
You’re damn right, Dan.
-A.
March 26th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Gladstone wrote a funny article……..APRIL FOOLS!!!!
Bit early but you get the point….SMB!
March 26th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
D.O.B….more like B.A.M! Really, It’s all a matter of time until we’re all giant bean bag chairs with thumbs. That’s why TV is so popular while books are becoming more and more irrelavent in our society. It’s sad, but with sending indecipherable “messages” (sometimes known as “texting”) replacing actual human interaction….that nightmare may become a reality faster than you can abbreviate the word “because” into “cos”.
March 26th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
It’s funny how you can just put in a name and make it seem like I’m Ryan (like the other two Ryans below me that aren’t actually me) and people will believe anything I write.
March 26th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Hmmm, in Canada we just say “APRIL FOOLS!!!” omitting the “day” When we prank someone..UNLESS you are in Quebec, where you shout “Poisson D’Avril!!!” Which means April Fish..and this only after sticking a cutout of a fish (why not a real fish? Hmmmm) To thier back without being detected. It’s the only prank you can pull in Quebec without being murdered by Hell’s Angels.
March 26th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Also I’m a big bitch that can’t take a joke. I have to write a fucking essay because of one offhand sentence in an article, and I also feel the need to explain that I visit a comedy website because it makes me laugh. I assume that jokingly saying someone plagarized you has serious legal ramifications, because obviously Gladstone will follow through on this joke by taking his fellow writers to court. Furthermore, I am a cunt.
March 26th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Hey there, I don’t know how the cracked writers are employed-whether you guys are independent contractors, or legally employed - but I like to think that Cracked is a team of really funny writers.
I read cracked to laugh, reminisce, and escape my responsibilities. “Us against them” articles such as the anti-mad magazine rants and the Mexican penis photoshop help build a feeling camaraderie with you. The inter-office rib nudges about ho your boss is kindof an effeminate jerk and how other writers drive around the block all dayu listening to heavy metal, help me relate to you guys as well with a feeling of being part of the same click that teases each other all the time.
Calling plagiarism on a coworker is no longer playful banter, whether you are contractors or not. It’s a serious accusation with legal consequences. I’ve been a daily reader and contributor for over a year and it this makes me sad. Just like no one wants to be around a couple who fights all the time, I don’t want to be around an office of guys who are throwing serious insults at each other. It disappoints me that someone allowed this to be published on here.
I had a great time and a lot of laughs but you just lost a loyal follower. Thanks for reading my thoughts, and I love the new layout.
March 26th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Loved the article,Gladstone. I also loved DOB’s defense of the written word. There are plenty of us out here who still enjoy reading! Some of us even tolerate punctuation!
Keep up the great work boys, and don’t let idiots like Dr Chaos get you down.
March 26th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
I’m not sure why some of you have a big bug up your asses about Gladstone, but clearly you feel it’s your sworn duty to come here and comment on every article and say he sucks. What makes you so angry? Is it that he’s better looking than you, smarter than you, has a less boring job than you, and is funnier than you, and it makes you hate your pathetic existence all the more for it?
Seriously, if you hate his work, there’s such a simple solution: don’t read it. If coming here makes you angry rather than happy, then not going somewhere else for your humor simply means you’re a self-loathing loser who has nothing better to do with his (or her) time than go around posting angry comments in the hopes of making someone else hate themselves as much as you hate yourself.
March 26th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Cracked is awesome, I’m a lurker who’s really amused by your work guys, I just had to let you know that
March 26th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
@lbh: Methinks if the wrong person reads this comment section you will probably have a cop just waiting in front of your house 24/7 with his gun drawn for the next week or so. You’ll have to obtain an outside intern to perpetrate your pranks. Or murder the cop as a prank. Either way.
March 26th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
I havent been a Cracked reader for that long so i dont know if it’s been done, but what we need is a Cracked day. A day where everybody can pretend to be DOB, try to out-drink Swaim, and maybe punch Brockway just for the hell of it.
March 26th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
@DOB: I started reading your comment, but after a couple sentences, my head started to hurt. If you could please summarize it in a single sentence or, better yet, post a link to a video of you reciting the comment, I’m sure I will find that you make some valid points. Thx. TTYL.
March 26th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
thanks for the shoutout old timer. =)
March 26th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Leave a package that looks like it might be bomb outside the busiest store in town. Then while every fireman and cop for miles are crazy busy evacuating the customers and investigating the “device”, rob the bank a 1/4 mile down the road.
Oh nevermind, someone beat me to it…
http://wbztv.com/local/wellesley.suspicious.device.2.968734.html
March 26th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Since when is April Fool’s a holiday?
March 26th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
DOB
Make your articles as long as you want, because I as a fan, will keep reading them. I’m glad to see that Cracked refuses to dumb things down to reach a broader audience.
Cracked is awesome.
Also, I admit I’m here for the same reason as black.ironman
March 26th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
DOB - You are a God among men.
Zombie Hobbit - I look pretty damn fine in a dress and lipstick, if I do say so myself. And I promise I’m actually a real life girl! And I know, right? Girlfriends are so demanding, all “please stop following me” and “seriously, I called the police” and “alright, you’re now in clear violation of this restraining order please get out of my shower.” Pft…women, am I right?
I would like to state for the record that I’ve always preferred the articles and almost never watch the videos. I just didn’t enjoy this article in particular. Nothing against Gladstone, who I usually find very funny. This one just didn’t do it for me.
DOB…you can do it for me anytime you want, call me, baby
March 26th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Btw, that digg button is finally fixed. Each time you digg this, Dr. Chaos gets closer to death.
March 26th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
DOB and Gladstone (and Swaim),
You are my heros. Don’t let that botard get to you. Keep doing what you’re doing. We love it.
-HK
March 26th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Ha, Doctorchaos doesn’t have enough attention span to read an article. Sure, I love the videos, but learn to read. This article was pretty short and read nicely. You’re probably the guy who goes through Cracked articles looking at the titles, pictures, and captions. If you don’t care for reading, don’t read it and pick up a picture book.
March 26th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
oh and one of the things i like about cracked is reading the articles.. they make me feel like im doing something important when im not chronically masturbating ferociously over the internet
March 26th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
cracked is amazing… keep up the good work, id try the first one but my parents would beat my ass next visit
March 26th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Gladstone, in your next article just include a picture of a marijuana leaf and everyone will be happy.
March 26th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Daniel O’ Brien, you are my friend.
March 26th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Bethany,
How good do you look a dress and lipstick? Sigh, maybe I should take the time to actually find a real girlfriend. But they are so demanding, “Spend time with me!” “Let’s have sex!” “Stop hitting me!” “Put the knife down” Blah blah blah!
Science, please, make a life like programmable robotic companion for people like me! Please!
Oh yeah, DOB, that was great! Thank you.
And Google Chrome rocks!
March 26th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
This article is really funny in a sort of twisted, dark way. Very well written, I enjoyed it a lot. That chaos guy is a moron.
March 26th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
One of my last girlfriends tried that I’m pregnant April Fools days joke but I told her the joke was on her because my herpes had rendered me sterile, then the exgirlfriend in question just cried and cried.
God that was funny.
(Just to be clear, I really don’t have herpes, Doctorchaos does though)
March 26th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Good job, Dan. Now I almost feel bad pretending to be Dr. Chaos this whole time.
March 26th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
I think that one way of culling the Doctorchaos like people on the cracked comments section is that all the regular commentors (of which I am one) decide not to engage them at all. Ignore asshole’s statements…. as my friend Odhrán says “DON’T FEED THE TROLL!!”
March 26th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Oh, also, I looove the article. =D
March 26th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
DOB?
Please marry me immediatly. That was amazing.
March 26th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
@DOB - I love you.
March 26th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
What Dan O’Brian said made risking my sanity to look at the comment section well worth it.
March 26th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Kudos to you, Daniel O’Brien. May the written word forever retain the sheen and luster which you have so labourously sought to display here.
March 26th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Wow it felt good to read Daniel weighing in on DoctorChaos’ stance.
You rock DOB!
March 26th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
I love Gladstone’s articles, I love Swaim’s articles, I love Cracked articles, and I love DOB.
March 26th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
DOB?
…
Good one.
March 26th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Daniel O’Brien. That was one of the most intelligent rebuttals that I have ever read. It saddens me today that tons of people out there don’t appreciate your guys’ hard work and effort that you put into every article. Your blood, sweat, and tears that you invest just to make us laugh, but unfortunately you are right about one thing. The Internet is creating a dumbed down audience that wants things instantly. They want things right away instead of having to “read” an article. Keep going with the articles. You guys bust your asses to make the intelligent ones laugh while the internet cavemen grunt and suddenly their brains get shut off at the fact of having to “read” something. tl;dr well too bad, if that’s the kind of mentality you have then you obviously won’t be successful in life or your careers. We are all evolving, but what scares me is the morons out there who just refuse to change and develop. It’s like that mother who refuses to go to the doctor to get the cataracts in her eyes fixed, because “her grown children are taking care of her.” She could have done something about it, but didn’t and decided to rely on someone else, but I digress. You keep doing what you’re doing. I appreciate your effort and I will always be a longtime reader of Cracked. See you at the Top!
March 26th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Well said, Daniel.
March 26th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
DoctorChaos, you represent a lot of what I think is wrong with the internet right now. Aside from your sturdy foundation of general ignorance, (re: saying the site went to shit when Gladstone and Swaim switched from videos to text despite the fact that they both wrote articles long before they made videos), it’s that you are practically condemning text out of hand that bothers me. When Gladstone or Swaim write an article, you show up, angry young man that you are, and instantly start into your “You should stick to videos routine.” It happens so often, that it’s practically lost its meaning to me. That’s not something a human does. You’re practically programmed. (As an aside, I want you to know this: We get it. Speaking on behalf of Cracked Editorial, let me tell you that your opinions have been documented. Even if you never said ‘Swaim and Gladstone should stick to video’ ever again, trust me, we’d all still know how you felt. We get it. The record reflects your concerns. Take it easy.)
To me, you represent what I worry the future of the internet audience is going to be. You want videos. Words are for school. All this text is too long and too hard to get through, and it’s even MORE difficult if you have to think about why the author wrote it, or how it fits in to the rest of his work.
You don’t want that. You want faces, and easy-to-follow videos and bright lights. A five minute video beamed directly to your face. You embody the slow but steady dumbing down of the internet. That kind of person abandons the idea of spelling out whole words. That kind of person thinks of punctuation as odd little symbols that get in the way of words and completely ignores their functions. That kind of person expresses his comments in “mehs” and “tl;dr,” what Brockway considers the caveman grunts of the written word. That kind of person can’t waste time on a full article, because he has a busy day of clicking ahead of himself, (not to MENTION all the time he spends commenting on how much he hates hates hates articles).
I wish you were an exception, but there’s more of you every day. It’s just how things are going. We want videos, we want feelings expressed under 140 characters, and we want it right now. It’s one of the most depressing things about my job.
Speaking of my job, I’m glad you don’t work here. Where your advertising strategy damns you is in its absolute heartlessness. You think in terms of pageclicks and bots and firing bloggers that lose out in some poll. Let me tell you something: We hire writers that we enjoy. We don’t think about advertisers or pageviews or polling. We only think about, (call us crazy), quality. We have a sales team, sure, and we like making money but, at the end of the day, we work with talented writers that we like. And all of your ideas are wonderful, and I swear I’d take them all into consideration except that, well…we’ve been doing things our way, and it works.
However, I welcome, encourage and in fact challenge you to make your own site that utilizes the ad strategy you’ve documented below. Make a site that is exactly the kind of site you’d like Cracked to be. Please. Please do this. Please, please, please.
March 26th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
judging by the comments, you should have done pokemon
I personaly loved the article, but I suppose others did not
March 26th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
@Doctorchaos
Personally I feel that SWAIM writes perfectly good, genuinely funny articles. I do feel that Gladstone is stronger through video - but to be honest I feel we are lucky to be getting anything from him, personally I feel its just filler till he gets back on cam.
March 26th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Zombie Hobbit - Definitely not a weird dude with a girly name. No sir. Not me. Not even a little bit weird. Maybe a little bit dude….but nobody’s perfect, right?
March 26th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
NO U!
March 26th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Gladstone…
I am disappoint
March 26th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Gladstone:
It turned to SHIT the moment you and SWAIM started making written contributions instead of video.
I know making Vids is a lot harder work, and takes a lot longer BUT thats what you guys are good at, it is your forte.
When we can see you it’s funnier, not ALWAYS funny, but definately funnier, and the vids seem to have better content matter than, for example, the display of visual excrement above.
As for these guys being unemployed, well think about it.
This IS a commercial website, these guys don’t pay for it themselves and it relies on advertising to make money, and they sell advertising based on how many people visit the site. If it was me personally I’d base it on how many ppl visit each article, then break it down by article type and author, but hey that’s just a STUPID marketing idea right, that would make sure clients got better facts about the true distribution of readerhip here.
If this system worked we could STOP clicking on the articles by guys that aren’t funny, then the site owners would notice a decline in certain contributors material and their articles would be worth less.
I know if I was selling something I wouldn;t want it in a SWAIM or G-Stone article, hell no.
I’m guesing they don’t record the number of visits by ip address either so in theory someone (maybe even from the Cracked office) could write a bot that clicks an article every 30 seconds to create false data, but hey that’s just another silly idea too.
Why don’t you guys do a reader poll, (that could also easily be corrupted), about who we think is the best writer and what type of article we prefer, and for fucks sake how many items constitute a list.
March 26th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Bethany, my initials are DOB. Will I work as a substitute until the DOB you really want is available? Assuming, of course, you call yourself Bethany because you are a chick and not just some strange dude named Bethany.
Oh, I can not tell for sure if the person in the last pic is a chick or a guy dressed as a chick. Because this is Cracked.com, and you can’t trust them.
March 26th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
i WILL FUCK HER BY aPRIL 30TH/09…LOVE THE BLaCK HORSE
March 26th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
I one time had a friend pose as me. He called my recently widowed wife and told her I was still alive even thought I died in Costa Rica. Then he shouted April Fools and she started to make strange noises almost like that Cat in those funny Kenny Glenn videos. I think that was her way of laughing. Too bad I’m really dead :-D. LULZ
March 26th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
OOOOOHHHHH WOW THE DOW IS UP 130 POINTS! Big fucking Deal. I still think Obama is a lousy president!
March 26th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
I one time told my CPA that I would be quitting my investment securities firm, get rid of my 1099 status, go back to the W-2 to go work for Edward Jones, and give all of my net worth to the government to supplement their bailout money. Ho ho ho I can tell you my CPA almost turned into a ghost when I told her that. I then yelled out April Fools and wrote her a $10,000 check for preparing my taxes. Awww the 1099 the biggets fuck you to people who want to be employees everywhere!
March 26th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Meh, kinda blah. This wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t exactly cutting-edge humor either. Helped me waste some time though, which is all I really come to cracked for anyway.
That, and the secret hope that if I cyber-stalk him enough maybe DOB will finally love me. And by love, I mean sex. Maybe DOB will finally sex me.
March 26th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
So… HBN is really coming back, is it? You keep hinting at it, G-Stone, I’ll feel really let down if there’s no truth behind it…
March 26th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
My girlfriend tried the ol’ “I’m pregnant” joke, but I had the last laugh.
I SHOOT BLANKS HAHAHA !! Try again girl
March 26th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
18+ please!! Are you sexy people? *** http://RichFriends.org ***where you can hook up the wealthy singles,sexy beauties. Find your sexy partner easier and more effective! What are you waiting for? Just GO and hook up the sexy singles now! (18+ singles please)
March 26th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
why can’t I just blow up the roof like usual?
March 26th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Gladstone, I love you. Don’t ever stop!
March 26th, 2009 at 11:46 am
18+ please!! Are you sexy people? *** RichFriends.org ***where you can hook up the wealthy singles,sexy beauties. Find your sexy partner easier and more effective! What are you waiting for? Just GO and hook up the sexy singles now! (18+ singles please)
March 26th, 2009 at 11:41 am
Gladstone, please take down my niece’s picture. I know she Twitters the hell out of you but come on dude, I’ll be on shakey ground for sure.
March 26th, 2009 at 11:37 am
The picture of the cop was absolutely hilarious. Nice job, Gladstone. And hooray for Facebook, right? Right?
March 26th, 2009 at 11:19 am
lbh: Was that you? Oh man, that’s friggin’ hilarious! You got me good, girl. My marriage lasted about a year, and I’ve been in counselling for five years now. If you could see the look on my face right now, you’d know it was all worthwhile.
March 26th, 2009 at 11:16 am
“judging by the number of negative comments on here that are steadily growing with each of his post, the minority might become a majority”
Do you think that they pay attention to that? How many articles on trolling and anger on the internet have been on Cracked that have pointed out just how comments work, and how they always turn negative? Couching that in a numbered, chronological list doesn’t make it any more interesting or valid. More than likely, they’ll look at the negative comments, note that most of them are people who pretty much exclusively post negative comments (or the ‘I just made an account so I could bitch’ people) and then promptly ignore them. As they should. Honestly, any website that lets their comments section determine content would have to be run by the mentally retarded. They’d have to be almost (but not quite) as debilitated as anyone who’d think that that’s a good idea.
Incidentally, nice article. Wish it’d been longer, though.
March 26th, 2009 at 10:56 am
*coughchaosisaprickcough*
March 26th, 2009 at 10:52 am
I told my Mum her daughter was dead and she said she has no daughter. Now my family is having a crisis based on the fact I kinda missed the memo saying I was disowned five years ago.
Thanks Gladstone.
March 26th, 2009 at 10:37 am
I liked it.
March 26th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Dude, how do even still have a job here? You’re not even funny.
March 26th, 2009 at 10:11 am
I meant to write, I like the site more than ever.
March 26th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Wow, some people here seem to be born without an ability to detect sarcasm…
March 26th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Well I like the site not more than ever (thanks Brockway). And with the prospect of doctorchaos’s depature, the future looks pretty good for my favourite .com
March 26th, 2009 at 10:03 am
feck me, the comment below me (mumbles) deserves the award for most boring comment ever posted. congratulations, you win 1 internets and a dick of the month certificate.
March 26th, 2009 at 10:00 am
… Says: “why not start a civil war in some impoverished country and goad both sides to commit war crimes and crimes against humanity?!”
Yeah, and comets! We should “goad” comets into crashing into the earth! And earthquakes! Use our imperialism to summon earthquakes from the depths to crush the innocent masses who bear no will towards one another in anyway whatsoever but are just sitting peacefully making baskets until we maliciously decide to ruin their lives!
March 26th, 2009 at 9:55 am
@Lazy Garfield…I didn’t mean spelling it differently, I mean spelling it out instead of saying it. Saying P-U-N-K rather than punk.
March 26th, 2009 at 9:53 am
Great ideas! While you’re at it, why not start a civil war in some impoverished country and goad both sides to commit war crimes and crimes against humanity?! That’s bound to be way funnier than these examples! They’re gonna slaughter thousands of innocent women and children, ahahahahahaha! Oh man, seeing hospitals and churches burn down, ahahahaha! Oh wow, all those chopped up and burning bodies in the road ahahahahaahahah!
March 26th, 2009 at 9:44 am
I don’t have the date of the decline on my calendar, but I’ve been reading it for about a year now and have found myself being less entertained the past few months.
Th only article I’ve read in awhile that gave me a good chuckle was Brockway’s story on the Cracked interns.
http://beta.cracked.com/blog/the-brief-tragic-life-of-a-cracked-intern/
As far as the fat kid setting himself on fire, that was not meant to be funny but more car crash clickable. I just had to click it, thought others might too. (he doesn’t die or even injured, just gives him a good scare for being a world class darwin awards candidate)
But here I go defending myself and thereby attracting attention to MY site.
I believe that’s your role, Gstone.
March 26th, 2009 at 9:44 am
Gladstone, you don’t think fat kids lighting themselves on fire are funny? On purpose, as the result of obesity-based depression; perhaps not funny. But on accident, as part of what appears to be an entire life being led to disprove Darwin; hilarious.
March 26th, 2009 at 9:31 am
OK…now if you really want to push the envelope I’ve got a beaut. Warning: this not for the faint hearted. Also, since this is fairly involved and requires advanced preparation you won’t want to start out too late. Leave yourself plenty of time to set this up. Items you’ll need:
Duct tape, rope or zip ties, digital camera with telephoto lens, photo paper and printer, bottle of chloroform or sedative-filled syringe, NAMBLA brochure, kidnapper checklist written on common paper(Make sure your victims’ names and address are on the list), a stolen vehicle and gloves. Gloves are key here, so don’t forget those.
First, you need to carefully select your victim(s). Yuppie-like acquaintances who act like their little brat is the second coming would be best.
Secretly photograph their child at the park or where ever. Make sure you take long-range and close-up shots. Take a few drive-by shots of their house for good measure.
Steal a car or van then plant the rope, duct tape, photos, list(with address and names of your victims), chloroform and brochure in the back. If you’re feeling creative you can leave other items too. From the creepy(needle nose pliers and a stuffed animal) to the inexplicable(toaster oven, Celine Dion CD or plaster mix). Really, it’s entirely up to you if want to add any “personal touches”. And don’t forget: ALWAYS BE WEARING YOUR GLOVES. I can’t stress that enough.
Now that you’ve planted the “evidence”, ditch the vehicle in a parking lot. You want to case the area first to make sure there aren’t any security cameras. You also don’t want to pick a big box store with a lot so large that the abandoned car won’t get reported for months. Burn the gloves.
Now all you have to do is sit back and wait until the police find the car and contact the parents. Hopefully the next time you talk to your favorite Yuppies they’ll be suitably freaked out. You can secretly laugh while nodding sympathetically as they fill you in on all the details of this horrible development in their lives.
Keep in mind, this prank isn’t designed for that “Gotcha’!” moment kind of payoff. Play your cards right and you’ll have years of surreptitious enjoyment as you watch their marriage disintegrate and they raise their kid to grow up into a paranoid who jumps at his/her own shadow.
March 26th, 2009 at 9:30 am
Well, either the asshole patrol is out in force or Gladstone’s inserting April Fools pranks in the comments section.
March 26th, 2009 at 9:24 am
mumbles, Emily’s suggestion was “write about April Fool’s Day.”
She didn’t even leave a comment on this post and has done nothing to earn your abuse. So keep your hatred focused on me or I guess on how all of Cracked now sucks.
OUt of curiosity when did it turn to crap exactly? I’m trying to discern your tastes as your personal website features video footage of a fat kid setting himself on fire.
March 26th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Formula for writing a Gladstone Cracked article:
1. Take lame idea from Cracked reader with absolutely no comedic discernment of the humor in idea or ability to make idea humorous (thanks Emily Gheseger for wasting peoples time!)
2. Take first three tired ideas on the subject of previous lame idea that pop in your head because a couple isn’t a list but 3 constitutes a few and that is!
3. Remind readers that you do HBN! Again! As you have been called out for everytime!
4. Check comments incessantly for the blasting that you know you will get because you have become used to it by now, however still stay intent on churning out this useless drivel.
5. Respond immediately with some lame attempt at maintaining your manhood or some other sense of inflated arrogance (see Gstones response 2 minutes after chaos rant…at 6:20 am)
I believe you all are missing the Dr.’s point. He still reads this site because he’s been a fan for awhile. He wants it to be funny like it used to be funny. It’s not now. He has hope it will get better, so he returns. But like every girlfriend of a drunk will tell you, you can only listen to someone say they’ll stop drinking so many times before you go your separate ways.
Cracked has become a drunk boyfriend.
Only those that are drunk in the idea of being in the community find it funny now. The writers have become sloppy and the ideas are not screened for quality, and now quantity has become the concern.
No, Gstone will not lose his job because Chaos disapproves, but judging by the number of negative comments on here that are steadily growing with each of his post, the minority might become a majority.
March 26th, 2009 at 9:17 am
@ Lounsey
It was not meant to look cool. How would spelling something differently, make it sound cool?? Is “Gangsta” really that much more awesome than “Gangster” ??
Anyway, I just wanted to emphasize the word, and hence…
March 26th, 2009 at 9:01 am
are fans of yours called G-Stoners? If not, i think they should be
March 26th, 2009 at 8:34 am
I told my wife I was pregnant last year. Somehow, that April Fool’s joke didn’t work as well as I hoped.
March 26th, 2009 at 8:33 am
One year, I told my friends I was converting to Scientology.
I don’t know whether to be insulted or amused they believed me.
March 26th, 2009 at 8:30 am
One time I told my nephew to lie on the floor and close his eyes. I also told him to open his mouth because I was going to give him a real zinger. Then I shit in his mouth and yelled April Fools! He died of septic shock.
March 26th, 2009 at 8:29 am
Uh…Wayne, I’m pretty sure I sent you that picture in confidence. I mean, you could at least pay me for it.
Also some people must have confused their grape drink with some haterade this morning. Talking to you, Dr. Chaos. If it were physically possible, I’d straight teabag you just for your uppity attitude. Kisses.
March 26th, 2009 at 8:22 am
I once filled my friends bed with jam. When he was at the pub. So he got home and got into bed and lost his shit…he came banging on my door looking like something out of Poltergeist. (and then put jam in my hair)
Although friends of mine did manage to secure everything in one guy’s room to the walls with *lots* of duct-tape. It was truly a sight to behold.
March 26th, 2009 at 8:17 am
@DoctorChaus -
Your threat of unemployment means nothing. Are you actually saying that because you don’t like their writing, that all of these guys are gonna be fired? Firstly, unlike a magazine that you need to buy, websites need views to continue, so when people that don’t even like Cracked simply come on the website, that one step in helping them. Secondly, if you actually go on to read any of these comments, you’ll see a lot more people that like this than hate it. So I doubt you and those 3 others are gonna cause this website to fall. Thirdly, how DARE you compare DOB to Swaim or Gladstone? You make me SICK!
March 26th, 2009 at 8:12 am
Ugh.
March 26th, 2009 at 8:10 am
I’ve realized two things in the last half hour.
1. I really don’t feel like doing housework.
2. This article has brought out my sadistic side.
Here’s a good cold weather prank to play on your neighbors if they’re out for a day or two. All you need is:
Access to their basement
A garden hose & spigot
One or two pallets of Jello (your choice of flavor)
March 26th, 2009 at 8:07 am
This one takes guts:
Heavily sedate a friend.
Put him in his room.
take every piece of clothing he has, and blankets, and towels, etc.
leave.
wait for wake-up time, and hilarity ensues.
preferably done on a college campus with dorm rooms.
or you could saran-wrap him to the bed.
March 26th, 2009 at 8:04 am
lol @ Panzer-Stier Ross. I was worried it would be a bit typo-nazi of me to make that joke…but it was so tempting. Now that you’ve made it, I wish I had.
March 26th, 2009 at 8:03 am
more from that set: http://www.flickr.com/photos/duetg/tags/lee/
March 26th, 2009 at 7:57 am
Love ya ‘Stone. Give me some HBN to top it off!
March 26th, 2009 at 7:56 am
Probably the funny thing about Doctorchaos’s comment is that he thinks anyone will care if he doesn’t bother anymore.
March 26th, 2009 at 7:52 am
My personal fave is when women say they are pregnant when they aren’t. HILARIOUS! OMGLOLPONIEZLOL!!!
Not really.
March 26th, 2009 at 7:52 am
He wants them to grow a par, he’s implying Bucholz, DOB and Swaim are golf courses.
March 26th, 2009 at 7:48 am
Doctorchaos really doesn’t like this site, apparently. But that leaves me confused, why is he/she/it still on here? I would venture a guess that Doctorchaos is a guy, but then again, you never know with those people.
I still think you’re funny, Gladstone, so you just keep on keepin’ on! I have actually always wanted to say that.
March 26th, 2009 at 7:45 am
lbh: Not sure if all of them can read actually
March 26th, 2009 at 7:42 am
@ Lazy Garfield - Gladstone already dressed up as Amy Winehouse, what more do you want!?
And what does that acronym P.U.N.K stand for? Or were you just spelling it out so it looked cool, and not at all like old 90’s slang?
March 26th, 2009 at 7:40 am
Wasn’t funny, wasn’t creative or clever in the slightest, only good thing about the article is that it’s also not that long.
March 26th, 2009 at 7:35 am
“Ibh, if one is really pregnant, you can do a HILARIOUS VARIATION of the joke! Because nothing is funnier than jokes about miscarriage!”
@JasonF - Unfortunately, it’s not a hilarious scenario.
March 26th, 2009 at 7:34 am
CodyCastor: Guns you say? Do they cling to their bibles too? (kidding)
Well you could always bring your own piece if you don’t think you could reach your wheelman before they unlock the gun cabinet. Hey, what’s funnier than an old fashion shoot ‘em up among friends?
Ah hell, it’s my day off and I really need to get some housework done. Anyone else got some vile pranks they’d like to share?
March 26th, 2009 at 7:32 am
This is an open letter to DOB, Brockway and Swaim,
Grow a par and take down this Gladstone guy. Guy’s a flimsy excuse for the male form of humanity and on top of that he has the daring to make fun of you guys, AND plot to get you in jail.
I urge you three to kidnap Gladstone, make him wear a tranny costume, sweep around the Cracked offices and make a video of that, and put it on the site.
Show everyone that you three are alpha men, while Gladstone is just a P.U.N.K.
March 26th, 2009 at 7:31 am
Hmm…
March 26th, 2009 at 7:30 am
@Russ, luckily he has a sense of humour about that kind of thing…I mean, it’s not like he’s Doctorchaos or something! =P
March 26th, 2009 at 7:18 am
lbh: I live in Michigan so, as luck would have it, I know a lot of people that would be perfect for that. Most of them own guns though.
March 26th, 2009 at 7:16 am
@Lounsey - I’m about to one up the fuck outta you, so I’d stand back (PS. My girlfriend did that to me just for the fuck of it one time. She’s not my girlfriend anymore. Just sayin’.)
One year, I my ex (the same one mentioned above) and I planned that I would tell my mom that I got this girl pregnant. I sold this story to her for about ten minutes saying “I don’t know what to do, I think we’re going to get rid of it,” and like “Of course I used a condom, I’m not a fucking idiot,” basically getting emotional and worked up the whole time. Keep in mind, ten minutes is a while when your mom’s trying so very hard to keep it together. I finally told her “Oh, yeah… It’s April Fools Day, huh?” So uhh… April Fools.” She actually punched me several times in the arm. I definitely deserved it.
March 26th, 2009 at 7:14 am
“I did tell my boyfriend I was pregnant last year…. he forgave me…. eventually…. watcing his face and fearful eyes as he didn’t know which way to react (”is it a joke? it’s april fools day, so should I just blow her off…shit what if it *isn’t* a joke, she will *kill* me”) was one of the funniest things I have ever seen.”
Now that is just plain WRONG.
March 26th, 2009 at 7:12 am
I don’t understand why Doctorchaos even visits Cracked! Doc, that’s fine, you have a different sense of humour than the people who like the site…. but the internet is a big place, and I’m sure you can find something for you. I hear there’s a great site that’s just people falling over and getting hit with pies and stuff. I think it’s called lowest-common-denominator-humour.com
March 26th, 2009 at 7:12 am
Lounsey, I’m still chuckling as I picture it in my head.
JasonF, no not too soon. Miscarriage jokes are for whimps. Abortion jokes FTW.
CodyCastor, how about this one? Get one of those fake winning scratch tickets and instead of having the prize be $25,000.00, have it be, say, a million dollars. And instead of some fratboy drinking buddy as the victim, pick a couple who’ve been laid off, run out of unemployment benifits, are facing foreclosure and have several children. Of course you’ll want an accomplice parked nearby with the engine running.
March 26th, 2009 at 6:58 am
My own favorite phone prank from the start of my career:
http://www.popehat.com/2007/11/16/remembering-the-greatest-prosecutor-practical-joke-ever/
March 26th, 2009 at 6:58 am
Cracked writers/readers -
I suggest you ignore Doctorchaos’ rant, because Doctorchaos is a fucking moron. In today’s article “5 Technologies That Turn Handicaps into Super Powers,” he was bitching about how there were only three items BECAUSE HE DIDN’T REALIZE THERE WAS A SECOND FUCKING PAGE.
March 26th, 2009 at 6:48 am
My favorite prank:
Pick out a friend that has a pet, the bigger the better. While your friend is at work, kill the pet then take it to a taxidermist to be stuffed in a natural pose. Then place it back in your friends living room and stand still next to it, frozen like a mannequin. When your friend gets home, they will assume that their home is some type of Twilight Zone where time has frozen. Maintain this pose for several hours and then, in a screaming lunge, uppercut your friend in the balls(or ovaries). Have a goldfish on hand to replace your friend’s pet.
March 26th, 2009 at 6:43 am
gkeefe-
fuck you.
March 26th, 2009 at 6:41 am
Love it. Love. It. Gladstone, your Second Coming is so glorious, I may weep brandy.
March 26th, 2009 at 6:36 am
I really hate to say it, but, this is probably the least funny article Cracked has ever put out.
Someone needs to either;
a) explain to me how this is a devastatingly sarcastic parody on “humor” that I am too neanderthal to appreciate, or
b) fire Gladstone.
March 26th, 2009 at 6:34 am
I have to say that Riven’s comment was actually the funniest thing on here.
March 26th, 2009 at 6:30 am
Doctorchaos, you forgot to say APRIL FOOLS!
Also, it’s not April, but you shouldn’t be expected to know that.
March 26th, 2009 at 6:26 am
Dear Doctorchaos,
I think we were separated in the mall the other day. I just turned around and you were gone! It makes me sad. Please come get me again, I’m sure you miss me.
Signed,
Your Sense of Humor
March 26th, 2009 at 6:24 am
I’d love to see that optimus prime article come true
March 26th, 2009 at 6:21 am
An added variation to the brake cutting would be to cut said brakes, then take a ride in said vehicle with your friend and when they ask “Why aren’t the brakes working?” you must reply by yelling “Wilcard, bitches! YEE HAW!” and jump out of said vehicle. Shennanigans ensue. - It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
On a side note, when will Hate by Numbers return to Cracked.com?
March 26th, 2009 at 6:20 am
Yay, Dr. Chaos thinks Swaim and I make good vids! Lost interest after that. TLDR.
March 26th, 2009 at 6:18 am
Hey Gladstone. WTF is this shit. Are you now using Cracked.com to wipe your ass. I want you to go grab Swaims girly little hand and then the two of you come closer and listen carefully.
YOU AINT FUCKING FUNNY!
At least not when you’re writing lists. When you do vids, they’re fairly amusing, some are even hilarious but when you write shit up, we get this, and it’s pathetic.
Get Hate By Numbers back online in VIDEO form before the last remaining trickle of humour you possess leaks out of your ass and ends up as another waste of space column.
And DOB, WTF kind of editor are you. Go rent Spiderman, watch every bit with the editor in it a dozen times, then haul G-Stone and Swaim into your office (or corner of room with desk in it) and kick their asses, then kick your own ass cos you aint that amusing either now that I think about it.
And WTF is a THREE ITEM LONG LIST doing here. Is this something nto do with the credit crisis. Is effort, and research too expensive to utilise these days.
THREE FUCKING ITEMS, that’s barely a list. If it DOES constitute a list it’d be found in one of those faggot trendy stores where you can find overpriced useless cute little version sof real products.
SHAME!!!
Cracked was always a third rate piece of shit magazine, that was the first piece of literature drafted into “bathroom duty” when the shit rolls ran out, but for quite a while I looked forward to checking out the weird lists that were written in funny and entertaining ways.
Now the moment I see DOB HBN or S.W.A.I.M and it’s not a video link I move on.
In fact I’ll give you about one week to improve and then I just won’t fuckig nbother. White Ninja is a girly piece of nonesense drawn by a 5th grader with Down Syndrome. Abnormality is the sort of crap you expect to find in a freakish bohemian film students locker, NETWORK, the only quality vid contributors around I can see on their own site, where I can also see CURRENT stuff not 2 year old archive material made out to be “fresh” and “new”. And that only leaves 3 or 4 contributors who are actually funny and haven’t pissed me off yet.
Work it out shitheads, or you’ll be signing up for unemployment assistance.
March 26th, 2009 at 6:15 am
I am not dead.
March 26th, 2009 at 6:06 am
Ohhhhhh I get it.
It’s a joke article about jokes that are terrible jokes.
Ugh. What a waste of time.
March 26th, 2009 at 5:46 am
Hot, underage redhead is hot, and underage.
March 26th, 2009 at 5:39 am
@Ibh
Thanks, it was a bit mean, but he got over it. He was all stammery saying “you’re joking right? RIGHT?!!!”
March 26th, 2009 at 5:29 am
what the fuck! what kind of demon-possessed dork wrote this?
March 26th, 2009 at 5:24 am
Crappiest Cracked article ever.
March 26th, 2009 at 5:24 am
Ibh, if one is really pregnant, you can do a HILARIOUS VARIATION of the joke! Because nothing is funnier than jokes about miscarriage!
(… too soon?)
March 26th, 2009 at 5:22 am
you can definitely see nip in that picture. thanks g-stone! my morning is complete.
March 26th, 2009 at 5:01 am
Every day is April Fool’s Day if you are exiled Nigerian royalty.
March 26th, 2009 at 4:58 am
Lounsey, that was sort of brilliant of you.
Unfortunately, as I’ve learned from personal experience, the same scenario isn’t nearly so funny if one is really pregnant.
March 26th, 2009 at 4:47 am
I love April Fools Day…. but I don’t think my mom would ever forgive me for pretending I’d died, and I don’t think my friends would ever forgive me for wrecking their car.
I did tell my boyfriend I was pregnant last year…. he forgave me…. eventually…. watcing his face and fearful eyes as he didn’t know which way to react (”is it a joke? it’s april fools day, so should I just blow her off…shit what if it *isn’t* a joke, she will *kill* me”) was one of the funniest things I have ever seen.
March 26th, 2009 at 4:16 am
Meh article, not very funny at all
March 26th, 2009 at 4:00 am
This would have been much more epic if it was april fools day and there was a picture of a guy saying “APRIL FOOLS MUTHA FUCKA!”
March 26th, 2009 at 3:06 am
“Name another holiday that lets you to engage in good-natured hijinks and tomfoolery with none of the ramifications you would normally expect?”
Saint Patrick’s Day.