[Note: We're aware that we briefly covered the ... covers of some of these books a few weeks ago, but when we realized that they were written by Christie Sims, a name that is strikingly similar to regular Cracked-contributor Chris Sims, well, our hands were tied. Opportunities likes this don't come around that often.]
You know that thing where someone with your name suddenly gets super famous for writing e-books about women having sex with dinosaurs, and so literally everyone you know starts emailing to ask if you took a gender-swapped pseudonym to express your filthy, filthy sauropod desires? No? It's just me? It's just me, Chris Sims? Huh. I would've thought that'd be more common to the human experience.
Either way, that's exactly what happened when Christie Sims (no relation) started making headlines a few weeks ago for being what I can only assume is our generation's most prolific authoress of dinosaur porn.
And when I say prolific, I mean it: She's got 60 of these things on Amazon that have been written this year. Even if they're just quick reads that clock in at around 14 pages each, that's a pretty respectable output, and since she's mentioned in interviews that appealing to the underserved dinosaur rape fan has been extremely profitable, it's hard not to respect that work ethic. I'll give props to anybody who stays that hard on their grind, even if that particular grind happens to be against the throbbing boner of a horny stegosaurus.
Point being, if I'm going to keep getting confused with another C. Sims who thinks a lot about dinosaurs -- and because $3 is the exact price that something has to be before curiosity outweighs good sense -- I might as well get familiar with the source material. I picked out three recent offerings from her extensive catalog based solely on the titles and cover art, which she and writing partner Alara Branwen have admitted to paying $5 for, and which may have been a huge overcharge. And let me tell you, they are everything you expect them to be. Just ... way more of it.
First up, Sims and Branwen's ...
Mounted by the Gryphon
"Tears began to slide down my cheeks. I had never been with a man, let alone a master of the skies."
Before I dove into the dinosaur erotica, I thought I'd see what Christie's approach was to a more traditional fantasy creature. There were more than a few stories about werewolves -- including one about a threesome with werewolf cousins -- but let's be honest here. I'm someone who has an Internet connection in a post-Twilight world. If I want to read about werewolf sex, there are options. Gryphons, however, were a new one for me, and I can only imagine that this was a true revelation for the person out there who couldn't decide if they wanted to get fucked by a bird or a lion. Finally, they no longer have to choose.
To be honest, though, it has a pretty slow start. Our protagonist in this story -- who doesn't even get a name -- is a young lady in a vaguely D&D-ish fantasy world who gets sold into slavery when her father's land is conquered by a rival noble who commands an army of gryphons. There's a pretty long sequence establishing her station in the feudal pecking order and how her job is to feed said gryphons, but when she actually goes to work, there's a new gryphon down in the stable and guess what he wants for lunch. Here's a hint: It's not food.
If you guessed "to put its penis into a human vagina," congratulations! You are correct!
marco testa/iStock/Getty Images
"I've had it with that asshole ordering off-menu."
Surprisingly, nonconsensual midair sex with a mythological eagle-lion isn't quite enough to get things done! Sims and Branwen throw in a little BDSM, too, just to make sure that nobody gets bored:
"Suddenly, stinging pain raked over my exposed skin. The gryphon struck me again, using its long tail to whip me. Each strike left a group of small red welts. I screamed, begging for more. I deserved to be punished; I was keeping the gryphon locked up. Why shouldn't it punish me?"
The gryphon also kills a couple of equally unnamed guards before allowing what's-her-name to climb on its back and fly off to her new life. This is a ... happy ending?
Christie Sims/Alara Branwen
"No, that cums later."
I can appreciate that the metaphor of flight representing freedom adds an additional layer to a story in which a gryphon penis pretty much just represents a gryphon penis, but all the same, this one was a little underwhelming. Don't get me wrong, I'm not really the target audience (if I had to pick, I'd want the thrill of danger one can only get from a manticore), but still, it's kind of a letdown. "Fortunately," I still had two more to get through.
Ravished by the Triceratops
"His breath ruffled the thatch of my pubic hair as he nuzzled my naked flesh and tickled me with his breath. The realization hit me like a club to the head. As I had been the cause of this creature losing his mate, he had decided that I was going to be the replacement!"
Brand X Pictures/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"Honestly, this is a fairly standard Dino Law ruling."
I was not prepared for the incest themes in this story of triceratops rape, but at least this time our main character has a name.
Beliria is a cavewoman who sets out to prove her worth to the tribe by bringing down the most fearsome beast of the grasslands: a three-horned dinosaur! Everyone's pretty stoked about this, because, as Sims is sure to detail in the extended opening sequence, they use the dinosaurs for food, tools, rendering fat into lamp oil, and so on. Seriously, she goes on like this forever. It's kind of like those chapters in Moby-Dick that are all about the minutiae of whaling, except that -- unless I'm misremembering high school English -- Captain Ahab and the white whale don't end up fucking each other at the end.
Wavebreakmedia Ltd/Wavebreak Media/Getty Images
"To the last, I grapple with thee; from Hell's heart, I cock-stab at thee; for hate's sake, I spit not swallow thee."
There's also a brief sex scene with Beliria's (human) boyfriend, and I have to say, in a book about dinosaur sex, that's basically like a standup comedian who comes out to open for Slayer. I might like your jokes, pal, but you're not what I'm here to see.
Beliria does end up fighting a triceratops, but she's so distracted by a memory of her dad's boner that she ends up getting gored, KOed, and dragged back to the triceratops' love cave. Since she interrupted the triceratops' attempt at mating and busted one of its horns, it decides that it's just going to fuck her instead, because, you know, that's what dinosaurs do. And also it has saliva that heals up her gore wound, but that is glossed over like you would not believe.
Please note that the cover art, while truly amazing, is not to scale. Instead, it turns out that triceratopses have gigantic, mammalian genitals, and this is where things get weird. There's suddenly an undercurrent of empowerment running through the story, as Beliria's quest to fit a gigantic dinosaur penis inside her is presented as an obstacle to be heroically overcome. And when she does ...
"I understood that my body was an amazing thing, adaptable and perfect."
Christie Sims/Alara Branwen
"Your body is a wonderland ... specifically, Jurassic Park."
I'm not saying I definitely nodded and whispered, "You go, girl," when I read that sentence, but I'm not not saying it either.
Sadly, the story just kind of comes to a blunt, perfunctory end after that. I mean, look, I realize that you don't want your story of horny stegosauri to overstay its welcome, and that if you're reading it for the intended purpose, things are pretty much over once a triceratops busts a nut, but really. You take the time to give Beliria a motivation, at least resolve that "boy loses girl, girl meets horny dinosaur" story. Again, disappointing.
But then there's ...