Day 1
Something strange is going on. There have been a few reported cases of some new, potentially unstoppable, virus sweeping the nation of Mexico. My grasp on geography is admittedly weak, but I’m pretty sure it’s either just north of California or perhaps is on island right off the coast, though I also suspect it might be several miles above us, suspended by a series of helicopters. Regardless, I am confident that Mexico is close enough to me to warrant concern. Will monitor the situation closely.
Day 3
According to the news reports I’m pretty sure I read, the disease is spreading and no one, with the exception of many well-trained medical professionals, has any idea how to stop it. I am prepared to defend the Cracked office from the coming infection by any means necessary. The virus, at first just in Space Mexico, is now spreading to California. Also, it spreads completely without warning (or, as some “scientists” have speculated, through coughing and sneezing). Here at the Cracked offices, I’ve noticed some subtle changes in some of our vaguely Mexican employees, which could suggest infection or, as Shawn, our oppressive HR rep suggests, might just be in keeping with what he calls my “continued pattern of aggressive racial intolerance.” Shut up, Shawn. I’d like to racially-intolerate him right in his stupid face. [Mental Note: Find out what those words mean.] As of now, the infection isn’t spreading too quickly, but I’ll keep my eyes open.
Day 6
Shawn made us sit through some kind of Infection Prevention and Treatment seminar, and it was a total waste of time. First of all, they want us to wash our hands, get this, every time we go to the bathroom. What am I, the Pope? The fucking Pope King? [Mental Note: If the virus wipes out human race, appoint self Pope. First order of Pope, make it a sin to be Shawn from HR.] Second of all, Shawn spoke like an inexperienced, pants-wetting bystander. He has no idea how to handle an infection of this magnitude. I’ve been preparing for a virus like this my entire goddamned life. I will take it upon myself to educate the rest of the office (except Shawn. Fuck that guy.)
[Enclosed, please find the "How to Prevent Swine Flu" flier posted around the office, complete with Mr. O'Brien's additions. He made this correction on all 55 fliers displayed in the building.]
Day 12
It is clear to me that the safety of this building and its inhabitants–minus fat Shawn–is a burden for me to bear. To that end, I’ve taken the liberty of permanently sealing up all of this building’s exits. My coworkers resented this plan, but they’re stupid and they don’t even know. They’ll come around, because this is the best course of action–it keeps the virus outside and, if anyone here is infected, we will be able to contain and destroy the infection without risk of it spreading to the outside world.
Day 13
Shit. Shit. The World Health Organization raised the pandemic (or whatever) threat level to five. Without knowing specifically what that means, I’m sure that blindly stocking up on shotgun shells and storing my urine in a jar is a solid plan. The time for quiet, listless men is over; level five (probably) means it is time for men of action to take control. To keep warm, I’ve taken to burning pictures of Shawn’s children. Shawn objected, pointing out that the heat is still on. “Yeah,” I told Shawn, “the heat is on, so watch yourself.”
I don’t know why I said that.
Day 14
All of my fears have been realized. One of our developers, Ian, sneezed today. He is almost certainly infected. If we’re not careful, his infection will spread until we’re all just a mindless, bloodthirsty, insatiable army of infected drones, feasting on brains for survival. Sweet, sweet brains. I’m going to have to talk with Ian, and if it’s obvious that he’s infected, I will, reluctantly, destroy his brain before the infection spreads. Despite all my training and preparation, I’m not confident I can follow through with this. This is a life I’m talking about. This will be the most difficult day of my life.
Poor, poor Ian.
Day 14 (later)
Wow, holy shit that was easy, much easier than I thought it was going to be. I took the skin from Ian’s face and made a hat for myself, to warn those infected that I am the destroyer of the virus, and also because I look good in fancy hats. Man, I feel alive. Still, I have to stay on my toes in case this virus–which the media is now calling “Swine Flu” and what the medical community is now calling “easily treatable and practically harmless for most Americans”–has spread to any of my other coworkers.
Day 20
More and more of my fellow employees are asking me what happened to Ian, a characteristic I’ve now added to the list of symptoms indicative of the Pig Virus. Shawn called the police like a big, fat baby, so I called him a big fat baby. He says as soon as they can get the doors open I’m going to be arrested for destruction of property, kidnapping and attempted murder. I said “We’ll let history decide,” and then I kicked him in the junk.
Day 23
I’m weaker every day, but I only slightly regret locking us in this building without food or water. A few more employees were (probably) infected with the virus, so I reluctantly dispatched them and even more reluctantly made a series of hats. I am the slayer of the infected, destroyer of the lost souls and manufacturer of fancy face hats. All those infected will run when they see me, because I’m so hella good at killing them.
Day 27
It’s only me! It’s only me, do you get that? I am the only one left in the office who wasn’t either infected or a total dick who would probably eventually get infected on account of what a dick he is (Shawn). By my count, I’ve had to kill 23 of my employees. Twenty-three people I’d seen every day for years, 23 people with families, with ambitions. People who had kids, people who someday wanted kids. People who liked baseball. People who shopped at Target. And I had to carefully separate their heads and destroy their brains. Even by the 23rd, it never got any easier.
‘Course it wasn’t very difficult to begin with. A real walk in the park, for me, can’t imagine it getting any easier.
Still, I don’t know if I’ll be able to hold them off much longer on my own. The rapid deterioration of my starving, thirsty, face-hat-covered body is matched only by the rapid deterioration of my (also face-hat-covered) mind. I keep sneezing and sweating, and I think I might be running a slight fever, so I want to head out and find a doctor. (Can’t destroy a life-ruining virus if I have the flu, am I right?)
Luckily, I rigged this whole building up with a series of explosives a year ago (was supposed to be for a surprise party idea that fell through), and I am more than prepared to detonate it, even if it means running away and treating my own sickness. That’s a sacrifice I’m prepared to make.
This entry was posted on Friday, May 1st, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Swine Flu, zombies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 12th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
“Yeah, the heat IS on.” I don’t know why I said that.
Oh god DOB you are great!
November 10th, 2009 at 11:12 pm
The Upside of Swine Flu:
http://ourannoyingworld.com/2009/11/10/swine-flu/
November 9th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Danny Boy, you NEED to write another article similar to this, only with real zombies. It would be utterly LEGENDARY.
ps. Keep Shawn in it.
August 1st, 2009 at 11:11 am
daniel…i need you…
to write more. i love it.
July 27th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Awesome. Danny-boy, you should write a zombie book, I swear to God I’ll buy it!
Oh, yeah… and I’d like to buy Shawn’s face-hat, if’n ya please.
July 25th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Hahaha. He said he can’t destroy swine flu if he has ‘the flu’ hmm i wonder what flu he had?
July 8th, 2009 at 9:25 am
“dongoatze”, are you sure those rioters and men wearing gas maskes weren’t actually wearing face-hats? I hear they’re all the craze, and a fancy alternative to the gas mask.
June 24th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
“We’ll let history decide” Then I kicked him in the junk.
Classic
June 16th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
you americans may laugh at this but this is what it is like in mexico right now our house was ran-sacked and yet the police did nothing, they say they are busy with rioters and men wearing gas masks
i wish truly that i could laugh at this artical but instead it simply brings a tears to my eye
June 11th, 2009 at 9:51 am
“Shut up, Shawn. I’d like to racially-intolerate him right in his stupid face. ”
hilarious!!
June 8th, 2009 at 3:07 am
Thank you for one of the funniest pieces I’ve read in awhile. Very good sir, very good.
June 7th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
Lol v funny article, a little disturbing but thoroughly entertaining
P.S. Comment flamewars are freakin hilarious, keep em up.
June 3rd, 2009 at 4:22 pm
I had to make a hat out of someones face once. For medical purposes … he was a dick
BTW… this was an awsomely (do you drop the e before the ly?) dongtacular article, but in the good way!
May 29th, 2009 at 10:30 am
@ 2DURPTURTLE:
congrats on the originality of the alternative caps you used to vehicle this display of mid-western bigotry typical of underconfident adolescents outbursting their repressed hate on the internet.
YOU ARE MY HERO!
ps: fuck you.
May 27th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
@ 2DURPTURTLE
“WaS hE a HoMo aNd U’rE bLaMiNg ThE sWiNe FlU iNsTeAd Of HiS AiDs?!”
How inhuman can you possibly be? You are the worst trash to walk the Earth, you know that? AIDS isn’t a laughing matter. It’s a terrible syndromee that renders the body inable to defend itself from even the weakest of diseases. How can you be so cruel to someone who lost their brother? Have you no shame? Have you no tact? Have you no morals? Do you lack simple human decency or are you simply the dumbest piece of shit to walk the Earth? I’m guessing the latter since you can’t even be bothered to type out “you’re” even though you have a keyboard in front of you. And honestly, the alternating caps and uncaps? dO yOu ThInK tHaT pEoPlE lIkE tO rEaD tHiS sOrT oF A tHiNg? Use English properly, or better yet, don’t use it at all. Spare the rest of us your stupid inhuman ramblings. Quit being a fucktard and stop polluting the internet with your presence.
May 21st, 2009 at 12:41 pm
[...] 28 Days Later: The Swine Flu Epidemic | Cracked.com [...]
May 14th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
[...] Cracked.com has a hilarious take on how the swine flu has affected life around their office. 28 Days Later: The Swine Flu Epidemic | Cracked.com [+] Rate this post [...]
May 12th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
Hey I just read this article in spanish, the web page is hazmeelchingadofavor.com, I think it’s written like that, they just changed California for some city in the border.
May 10th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
Mr. Macho Morelos, try going to China with your Mexican passport. Personally, I’ve always thought quarantine is a great way to spend time abroad.
I remembered this article because… A man just arrived in China today, he had A H1N1 and came from St. Louis… I gather now that you guys have more cases you’ll start to be the focus of attention soon. Have fun.
BTW, I’m a woman. I can’t grow a pair. Currently, humans haven’t found an effective gender swap operation for women. But ovaries are great, I highly recommend them, seems they help me avoid using ‘fuck you’ to talk about basically everything.
I guess (almost) everything can be laughed at. Human stupidity and their lack of empathy, are at the top of my laugh list.
Sorry about your brother DURPTURTLE.
May 9th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Aaaaaaaaaand this is why everybody at the office watches you with a nervous paranoid glare. Or so I assume.
Funny stuff once again.
You’ll be in my nightmares.
May 7th, 2009 at 6:07 am
It won’t be the pandemic that kills us. It’ll be the panic that kills us.
May 6th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
[...] and frivolity and feeling fantastic. Also tomorrow, I’ll sign up for bootcamp. I really think some violent influenza would be easier to stomach. [...]
May 5th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
… you’re sitting in your car with the engine running (windows down) in your garage (big door closed) with your laptop at hand trying to find some happiness in life before ending it all and you came to Cracked.com for possible salvation my friend?! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=25&sku=E-CD00302
May 5th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
I said “We’ll let history decide,” and then I kicked him in the junk.
lol funniest line ever. No clue why, but I’m actually crying I’m laughing so hard.
May 5th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Mr. O’Brien, you’re completely wrong for me in every way, but I love you. Marry me?
May 4th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
hahaha how funny. grow a creativity asshole.
May 4th, 2009 at 2:10 am
Geez…all we need is to give George Romero a camera to shoot this and we’ve got ourselves another epic on our hands.
May 3rd, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Dan, you rock. This one is from a white boy in Africa & I’ll phontesize it for you
Im sunu wak mareta hau, im sunu-gayako! Way ruder than any English, Greek, Italian or Turkish could ever be. Use it with pride.
May 3rd, 2009 at 5:52 am
[...] if you do get the flu, please, please don’t be this guy. Destroying the brain is NOT the only way to stop the [...]
May 3rd, 2009 at 3:03 am
Bahahaa this was amazing.. thanks
May 2nd, 2009 at 11:42 pm
WaS hE a HoMo aNd U’rE bLaMiNg ThE sWiNe FlU iNsTeAd Of HiS AiDs?!
LoL!
May 2nd, 2009 at 11:41 pm
“Thats not funny, my brother died that way” — who says that’s not funny?!?!? Bwwahahahaahahahahahaaa!! L - O - S - E - R - !
May 2nd, 2009 at 9:33 pm
DIEDirtyMexicans! get back to a *chan
May 2nd, 2009 at 9:31 pm
Thats not funny, my brother died that way
May 2nd, 2009 at 7:52 pm
Hilarious, loved it.
May 2nd, 2009 at 7:19 pm
[...] Well, I was going to write something about the swine flu, but instead, I’ll let Cracked.com columnist Daniel O’Brien do that for me. [...]
May 2nd, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Fuck you, LombrizFeliz. Everything can be laughed at. In fact, the idea that people are acting fuck-all crazy about this goddamn flu is a great reason to laugh. I guess we should be sorry that you’ve been mildly inconvenienced by people acting retarded? Wahhhh!!!!
Nice post DOB.
May 2nd, 2009 at 4:59 pm
@LombrizFeliz:
Cmon man, grow a pair. I went to mexico city last monday (im from morelos, about an hour from mexico city) and even got a dinner in the street (delicious tacos al pastor). Sure, the streets are empty but getting all paranoid and offended for this article doesnt help to the international image mexico is getting right now.
May 2nd, 2009 at 1:05 pm
a test showed that surgery masks aren’t effective against swine flu…
May 2nd, 2009 at 12:57 pm
xDDD
That was friggin’ hilarious.
Good job.
May 2nd, 2009 at 12:19 pm
“I took the skin from Ian’s face and made a hat for myself, to warn those infected that I am the destroyer of the virus, and also because I look good in fancy hats.”
my favorite part
yeah, the swine flu seems awful, but sometimes it’s good to laugh. makes it feel less…real and scary.
May 2nd, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Yeah all those fucktards wearing the masks and closing schools.
All you dipshits are freaking cowards. What, are we going to shut down the whole world every time it hits cold and flu season?
I mean, really, fucking grow a pair.
May 2nd, 2009 at 12:01 pm
the best part about swine flu is all people wearing the surgery masks, do those prevent disease or are they just for show?
May 2nd, 2009 at 12:00 pm
good times
May 2nd, 2009 at 7:25 am
When the Mexican population dies out (except those that work our orchards, car washes…etc.), we’ll go down there and take over the abandoned resorts. They don’t protect their tourists (greedy bastards) like Cuba does. We’ll get a huge barge… load up all the rotting corpses and dump them into the sea to feed the sharks (that are left from the fucking Asians and Costa Ricans killing them off for their fins). It’ll be win-win for us all… including the sharks.
Who’s in?!
http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=30&sku=E-CD00296
May 2nd, 2009 at 6:45 am
Dude…
BlazingGuns?
Probably.
AND before you add “surely it can’t be that bad?” like every typical American, let me just pre-empt you by saying he’s there and you’re not, so yeah…
Not too bad an article, just… it’s a bit early, Cracked, okay? How about holding off till the breakout is ending? Other than that, totally great Zombie Survival Guide ripoff…!
May 2nd, 2009 at 6:32 am
Dude…
lombrizfeliz guy?
Is mexico honestly that bad right now?
May 2nd, 2009 at 5:32 am
The media in England is going batshit, too. My friend ran in the other day and yells “Anyone from Barnet stay AWAY from me before I get infected!!!1111″
Personally, I’m not too bothered.
May 2nd, 2009 at 4:11 am
I’ve already set up my flu-pocalypse shelter based on your successful strategies, like killing the flu carriers, and have compensated for what you forgot, like food and flu vaccines for me.
May 2nd, 2009 at 1:06 am
“If you it’s caused by heavy traffic…” ??????????? AHHHHHG
May 2nd, 2009 at 12:45 am
There are things you just don’t laugh at.
Mexico City, feels worse than living hell, sense of humor doesn’t bail you out of this one. Supermarkets are ransacked, over the counter medication is a luxury, we’re barricaded in our houses, etc.
Feeling like the scum of the planet, because you’re Mexican or live in Mexico, doesn’t help.
I really hope you don’t have to live this in the States, ’cause it blows.
I’ve been reading Cracked for a long time; this is the first time I find such a terrible article.
May 1st, 2009 at 11:06 pm
I just found a use for cracked. When you get timed out trying to visit a site, in order to figure out if it’s due to heavy traffic or bad internet, type cracked.com in the address bar. If you it’s caused by heavy traffic, cracked pops right up. Thanks cracked
May 1st, 2009 at 9:41 pm
delicious brains….
May 1st, 2009 at 9:39 pm
so….this is a flu for cops? im so confused.
May 1st, 2009 at 8:07 pm
lol.
May 1st, 2009 at 8:03 pm
This flu might eventually lead to Zombification.
GET READY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May 1st, 2009 at 7:37 pm
Wait… HERPES?!?!
May 1st, 2009 at 7:30 pm
“Rachel… from BC with Herpes?! Remember me working you over a few times in the sheets in Calgary?! You were good… ‘cept for telling me you had Herpes AFTER I fucked you.”
Huh. Small world. I know a Rachel just like that.
May 1st, 2009 at 7:26 pm
“i have fucked seventeed thousand too many of your american cars six times for i am the am for real to you get my fag?”
I think Joe would make an excellent Cracked columnist. He could be, like, the Smoove B of Cracked.
This was some funny shit, right here.
May 1st, 2009 at 6:41 pm
LoL I can’t stop laughing, great article!
May 1st, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Was laughing through the whole thing. Your third best article.
May 1st, 2009 at 5:40 pm
Ah, DOB. I’ve been reading so much Swaim and Brockway lately that I was thinking, ‘Hey, you know, they’re pretty good. Maybe I was over-reacting a bit with DOB.’ And there’s some funny stuff on the Internet, too. I was a bit confused, much like puberty except with comedy writers and not my sexuality.
It’s like you heard my prayers, man, and knew that I was straying. And then you slapped me in the face with your abs (I do not know how you did that) and told me to sit down and shut up, this was DOB’s Internet and I follow your rules.
May 1st, 2009 at 5:33 pm
DOB please share with us more of your words of wisdom so we too may go out and combat the swine flu zombies. I’ve already stockpiled several containers for all the face masks I shall be collecting.
May 1st, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Great article DOB, and what the fuck is joe saying?? I really hope English is not his first language.
May 1st, 2009 at 4:21 pm
theronthethird that was my favorite bit too.
May 1st, 2009 at 4:20 pm
You KNOW Roseanne Barr (hamgina) is the Alpha Case, right? Kill her and all the rest die, I think.
Samuel…it’s…it’s a humor column, my friend. I hate saying that now when it was so damn funny and having to say that kinda ruins the joke, but…lighten up, man.
May 1st, 2009 at 4:14 pm
I expect to see your face hats on ebay ASAP.
May 1st, 2009 at 4:06 pm
best.article.ever.
May 1st, 2009 at 3:55 pm
“blindly stocking up on shotgun shells and storing my urine in a jar is a solid plan”
so awesome!
May 1st, 2009 at 3:34 pm
What. The. Fuck
That was disturbing…
May 1st, 2009 at 3:03 pm
“wow, holy shit that was easy”
I had to put my laptop top down for a few minutes and collect my thoughts before continuing
May 1st, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Funniest DOB article yet. Coming at YA!!
May 1st, 2009 at 2:53 pm
for every seven days that lapses
let a tater fall
let a tater fall free.
May 1st, 2009 at 2:45 pm
i have fucked seventeed thousand too many of your american cars six times for i am the am for real to you get my fag?
May 1st, 2009 at 2:41 pm
D O’B, you, Sir, are one funny motherfucker. Well played, indeed.
May 1st, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Meh.
May 1st, 2009 at 2:24 pm
D.O.B., you never disappoint. Brilliant.
May 1st, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Bahhh!!
The Swine Flue doesn’t come from Mexico!!
It comes from all the pork this administration is passing on us!!
May 1st, 2009 at 1:18 pm
“I am the slayer of the infected, destroyer of the lost souls and manufacturer of fancy face hats.”
Tell me you weren’t listening to “Dead Skin Mask” by Slayer when you wrote that. LOL. But I guess it fits since that song is about going insane and killing people. It was also funny to change it to face hats.
May 1st, 2009 at 1:05 pm
I would like everyone to know that my brand new face hat is named CavalierX.
May 1st, 2009 at 12:44 pm
“Shawn objected, pointing out that the heat is still on. ‘Yeah,’ I told Shawn, ‘the heat is on, so watch yourself.’
I don’t know why I said that.”
Classic. You’re amazing.
May 1st, 2009 at 12:41 pm
That’s actually how Mexico works.
I know, I’m a geogrophist.
May 1st, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Thank you for not relating this in any way to twitter, it was excellent! Also, I have never met a Shawn who wasn’t a complete douche, so your coworkers name made it that much funnier!
May 1st, 2009 at 12:33 pm
When you destroy the brain, make sure you use drained AA batteries. Going green is the only way to stop a zombie apocalypse
May 1st, 2009 at 12:28 pm
“Yeah,” I told Shawn, “the heat is on, so watch yourself.”
Thanks, choking on my bagel from laughing almost killed me before the swine flu could.
May 1st, 2009 at 12:18 pm
lol I don’t believe in Swine Flu *sneeze*
May 1st, 2009 at 11:52 am
A bit funny, but “I am the slayer of the infected, destroyer of the lost souls and manufacturer of fancy face hats.” was just pure awesome.
May 1st, 2009 at 11:41 am
This article gave me Swine Flu…
May 1st, 2009 at 11:27 am
to tonyjk78… it sucks to b you
swear filled dick jokes never get old
is like disrespecting THATS WHAT SHE SAID. that never gets old
May 1st, 2009 at 11:10 am
Oh, and I laughed at Dan’s artwork. I collect it all on my computer because, one day when Dan is dead, it will be worth millions.
You know Dan you should really consider becoming a full time artist and possibly a full time lion tamer and wear a blindfold when you do it and have raw meat hanging around your neck, yeah , that’s it. I mean when you lion tame, not when draw. you can wear what ever you want when do that.
Do that Dan.
May 1st, 2009 at 11:09 am
@punchline: Lol- SwaimFlu
v__v take that hat off your head- it really doesn’t suit you, not matter how good in hats you think you look. That’s just not for your figure and bone structure…
May 1st, 2009 at 10:59 am
Great article, with great bravery, except I am pretty sure if you listen really close to the news, it’s actually called the Swaim Flu.
May 1st, 2009 at 10:45 am
LMAO
this article is awesome
face hats LOL
that Shawn guy must be a total dick
May 1st, 2009 at 10:38 am
Let’s all salute DOB for his bravery in this situation, and hope his gallant actions are not in vain.
May 1st, 2009 at 10:21 am
Hanz
@Ddude28. “I tip my hat to this.” Your face-hat?
Yes of course my face hat! Made into the shape of a cliché rich man’s hat
May 1st, 2009 at 10:09 am
Brilliant, laughed for most (okay - all) of the article!
May 1st, 2009 at 9:56 am
Rachel… from BC with Herpes?! Remember me working you over a few times in the sheets in Calgary?! You were good… ‘cept for telling me you had Herpes AFTER I fucked you. Other than that… you were a hot tramp. Cum back soon (and I’ll do the same on your back… again).
XOXO!
May 1st, 2009 at 9:46 am
why do all of your articles deteriorate into killing and last man alive but total fucking nutbag crazy scenarios
May 1st, 2009 at 9:43 am
Hmmm yeah. I sent that to my Swine Flu buddies!
May 1st, 2009 at 9:22 am
I laughed, I laughed like hell particularly at this part
” I took the skin from Ian’s face and made a hat for myself, to warn those infected that I am the destroyer of the virus, and also because I look good in fancy hats.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!, SEE I’M STILL LAUGHING.
May 1st, 2009 at 9:15 am
Had pretty high hopes for this one - DOB’s my favorite columnist, and the whole Swine Flu scare is ripe for a site like Cracked - but I can’t say I laughed once, while I read this. I think I’m just getting tired of the sort of absurd, swear-filled adventure situation that this site runs on (in addition to lists and dick jokes). I used to love that sort of thing, but I guess I’m just growing numb to it. This seems to happen to every new comedy site I find, though, so it’s probably not Cracked’s fault. Just sucks to be me, I guess.
May 1st, 2009 at 8:48 am
Ian sneezed today hahaha priceless
May 1st, 2009 at 8:42 am
@Caz
I don’t get it.
May 1st, 2009 at 8:42 am
It was funny but not as funny as your articles usually are. Still, thanks for bringing out the lighter side of it the situation, DOB! It’s always appreciated.
Plus, a face-hat-covered body has made it into my top 20 list of things I would actually like to see (but would be undeniably traumatized by) in real life.
May 1st, 2009 at 8:41 am
man, i just wanted to fellate you DOB, but it looks like Erin McAlias beat me to it. maybe you’ll just get a high five instead.
May 1st, 2009 at 8:39 am
i hAtE yOu ^^ (HAhA Hate… Hat… Face Hats.. GEDDIT)
May 1st, 2009 at 8:19 am
You are an amazing man, O’Brien.
At first I was reluctant to read this article, because people have actually died from Swine flu. (And death can usually only be funny to me a year afterward, unless the initial occurrence involves small animals that weren’t harmed, or celebrities that were.) But I’m glad I did read it.
You’re one of the only writers that I’ve seen who’s willing to make light of the ‘Epidemic’ just yet, and who is willing to point out how retarded the media is to blow the sniffles out of proportion. When I first heard about it a few days ago, I was scared shitless, (As I live in Southern California) but the more I read about it, the more I think it is complete bullshit. Sniffles.
(Even though it is more then the sniffles to a country without treatment for it. But who gives a shit about other countries? We’re AMERICAN, bro. Amirite?)
I haven’t lol’d this much in a while. Have I ever mentioned that you’re my favorite Cracked writer? No? Oh yeah, because up until this article, you weren’t.
But now you are.
You wonderful man.
May 1st, 2009 at 7:56 am
“I’d like to racially-intolerate him right in his stupid face.”
Fucking hilarious. <3 dob
May 1st, 2009 at 7:49 am
@Ddude28. “I tip my hat to this.” Your face-hat?
May 1st, 2009 at 7:36 am
hi alex.
May 1st, 2009 at 7:34 am
“continued pattern of aggressive racial intolerance.” Shut up, Shawn.
I rofled a little
May 1st, 2009 at 7:33 am
Going back and re-reading the intro after the article made it all the funnier. That was totally classic, DOB!
May 1st, 2009 at 7:32 am
If Bucholz is a robot, he can’t catch the flu, right? Does that mean he is the only surviving Cracked person?
May 1st, 2009 at 7:28 am
hola hombres,
i just jumped outta mexico, and i need a place to hide out till i stop coughing and shit.
you seniors got a bedroll?
May 1st, 2009 at 7:25 am
“My grasp on geography is admittedly weak, but I’m pretty sure it’s either just north of California or perhaps is on island right off the coast, though I also suspect it might be several miles above us, suspended by a series of helicopters.” that was great.
also, now i’m all curious and shit. what does the J in Daniel J. O’Brien stand for?
May 1st, 2009 at 7:20 am
The face hats were a nice touch.
May 1st, 2009 at 7:12 am
Thank you DOB, thank you so much for finally making fun of the media for blowing the flu thing completely out of control. My microbiology professor said yesterday, “that the media right now is much worse than reliable concerning the swine flu”
May 1st, 2009 at 7:08 am
This is officially, 100% guaranteed the funniest thing ever written and published onto cracked.com. I tip my hat to this.
May 1st, 2009 at 6:36 am
I sneezed while reading this article! AAAAAAHHHH!
May 1st, 2009 at 6:26 am
@T: You are brilliant. You are the most intelligent and incredible human being on the face of the earth. I declare you omniscient. Your powers of observation are far beyond the capacity of us mere mortals.
May 1st, 2009 at 6:14 am
well done this article was brilliant
May 1st, 2009 at 5:53 am
and no zombies , man where are the zombie??? i want to kill something(rekill)
May 1st, 2009 at 5:43 am
I said “We’ll let history decide,” and then I kicked him in the junk.
Thats how I end all conversations
May 1st, 2009 at 5:20 am
Dan, this wasn’t one of your funniest articles, but I definitely enjoyed it nevertheless. I’m sure it must be hard to write a weekly humor column that’s fun to read without recycling jokes, but I think the majority would agree you’re doing a consistently better job compared to the other bloggers.
Personally I like the ambition of the use of photoshop in your recent articles; your skill has certainly improved. Visual gags like that shouldn’t be underestimated, and the more you can combine different types of humor in your article, the better.
Still, taking a current event and doing something totally creative with it like you’ve been doing seems to work for you, so keep up the good work. Your ‘fictionalized’ style of writing in recent articles makes me long for a sequel to your Bartender book, or maybe a new novel altogether.
Make it happen, DOB!
May 1st, 2009 at 5:18 am
This really, really made me want to watch the South Park episode with the homeless people. I was reminded because it’s amazing, and so is this.
May 1st, 2009 at 5:16 am
Anyone else thought that Shawn kinda sounds like Sean? Guess who didn’t come through the “columnist hazing ritual”.
May 1st, 2009 at 5:08 am
lol well done … hilarious.
May 1st, 2009 at 5:07 am
First birds, then horses, now pigs? What next? Unicorn?
May 1st, 2009 at 4:53 am
Well this is an awesome article
May 1st, 2009 at 4:44 am
Face hats. I love.
Shaun. I hate that guy.
Itchy, tasty.
May 1st, 2009 at 4:30 am
Now if this swin flu would actualy turn people into zombies then we can all have some fun by killing them and making hats out of their undead faces
May 1st, 2009 at 4:14 am
It’s ironic because its sounds like he is the one infected with the virus!