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28 Days Later: The Swine Flu Epidemic

Day 1
Something strange is going on. There have been a few reported cases of some new, potentially unstoppable, virus sweeping the nation of Mexico. My grasp on geography is admittedly weak, but I’m pretty sure it’s either just north of California or perhaps is on island right off the coast, though I also suspect it might be several miles above us, suspended by a series of helicopters. Regardless, I am confident that Mexico is close enough to me to warrant concern. Will monitor the situation closely.

Day 3

According to the news reports I’m pretty sure I read, the disease is spreading and no one, with the exception of many well-trained medical professionals, has any idea how to stop it. I am prepared to defend the Cracked office from the coming infection by any means necessary. The virus, at first just in Space Mexico, is now spreading to California. Also, it spreads completely without warning (or, as some “scientists” have speculated, through coughing and sneezing). Here at the Cracked offices, I’ve noticed some subtle changes in some of our vaguely Mexican employees, which could suggest infection or, as Shawn, our oppressive HR rep suggests, might just be in keeping with what he calls my “continued pattern of aggressive racial intolerance.” Shut up, Shawn. I’d like to racially-intolerate him right in his stupid face. [Mental Note: Find out what those words mean.] As of now, the infection isn’t spreading too quickly, but I’ll keep my eyes open.

Day 6
Shawn made us sit through some kind of Infection Prevention and Treatment seminar, and it was a total waste of time. First of all, they want us to wash our hands, get this, every time we go to the bathroom. What am I, the Pope? The fucking Pope King? [Mental Note: If the virus wipes out human race, appoint self Pope. First order of Pope, make it a sin to be Shawn from HR.] Second of all, Shawn spoke like an inexperienced, pants-wetting bystander. He has no idea how to handle an infection of this magnitude. I’ve been preparing for a virus like this my entire goddamned life. I will take it upon myself to educate the rest of the office (except Shawn. Fuck that guy.)

[Enclosed, please find the "How to Prevent Swine Flu" flier posted around the office, complete with Mr. O'Brien's additions. He made this correction on all 55 fliers displayed in the building.]

Day 12
It is clear to me that the safety of this building and its inhabitants–minus fat Shawn–is a burden for me to bear. To that end, I’ve taken the liberty of permanently sealing up all of this building’s exits. My coworkers resented this plan, but they’re stupid and they don’t even know. They’ll come around, because this is the best course of action–it keeps the virus outside and, if anyone here is infected, we will be able to contain and destroy the infection without risk of it spreading to the outside world.

Day 13
Shit. Shit. The World Health Organization raised the pandemic (or whatever) threat level to five. Without knowing specifically what that means, I’m sure that blindly stocking up on shotgun shells and storing my urine in a jar is a solid plan. The time for quiet, listless men is over; level five (probably) means it is time for men of action to take control. To keep warm, I’ve taken to burning pictures of Shawn’s children. Shawn objected, pointing out that the heat is still on. “Yeah,” I told Shawn, “the heat is on, so watch yourself.”
I don’t know why I said that.

Day 14
All of my fears have been realized. One of our developers, Ian, sneezed today. He is almost certainly infected. If we’re not careful, his infection will spread until we’re all just a mindless, bloodthirsty, insatiable army of infected drones, feasting on brains for survival. Sweet, sweet brains. I’m going to have to talk with Ian, and if it’s obvious that he’s infected, I will, reluctantly, destroy his brain before the infection spreads. Despite all my training and preparation, I’m not confident I can follow through with this. This is a life I’m talking about. This will be the most difficult day of my life.


Poor, poor Ian.

Day 14 (later)
Wow, holy shit that was easy, much easier than I thought it was going to be. I took the skin from Ian’s face and made a hat for myself, to warn those infected that I am the destroyer of the virus, and also because I look good in fancy hats. Man, I feel alive. Still, I have to stay on my toes in case this virus–which the media is now calling “Swine Flu” and what the medical community is now calling “easily treatable and practically harmless for most Americans”–has spread to any of my other coworkers.

Day 20
More and more of my fellow employees are asking me what happened to Ian, a characteristic I’ve now added to the list of symptoms indicative of the Pig Virus. Shawn called the police like a big, fat baby, so I called him a big fat baby. He says as soon as they can get the doors open I’m going to be arrested for destruction of property, kidnapping and attempted murder. I said “We’ll let history decide,” and then I kicked him in the junk.

Day 23
I’m weaker every day, but I only slightly regret locking us in this building without food or water. A few more employees were (probably) infected with the virus, so I reluctantly dispatched them and even more reluctantly made a series of hats. I am the slayer of the infected, destroyer of the lost souls and manufacturer of fancy face hats. All those infected will run when they see me, because I’m so hella good at killing them.

Day 27
It’s only me! It’s only me, do you get that? I am the only one left in the office who wasn’t either infected or a total dick who would probably eventually get infected on account of what a dick he is (Shawn). By my count, I’ve had to kill 23 of my employees. Twenty-three people I’d seen every day for years, 23 people with families, with ambitions. People who had kids, people who someday wanted kids. People who liked baseball. People who shopped at Target. And I had to carefully separate their heads and destroy their brains. Even by the 23rd, it never got any easier.
‘Course it wasn’t very difficult to begin with. A real walk in the park, for me, can’t imagine it getting any easier.
Still, I don’t know if I’ll be able to hold them off much longer on my own. The rapid deterioration of my starving, thirsty, face-hat-covered body is matched only by the rapid deterioration of my (also face-hat-covered) mind. I keep sneezing and sweating, and I think I might be running a slight fever, so I want to head out and find a doctor. (Can’t destroy a life-ruining virus if I have the flu, am I right?)
Luckily, I rigged this whole building up with a series of explosives a year ago (was supposed to be for a surprise party idea that fell through), and I am more than prepared to detonate it, even if it means running away and treating my own sickness. That’s a sacrifice I’m prepared to make.

Last 5 posts by Daniel O'Brien

This entry was posted on Friday, May 1st, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Swine Flu, zombies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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132 Responses to “28 Days Later: The Swine Flu Epidemic”

  1. Tessa Says:

    “Yeah, the heat IS on.” I don’t know why I said that.

    Oh god DOB you are great!

  2. David Says:

    The Upside of Swine Flu:

    http://ourannoyingworld.com/2009/11/10/swine-flu/

  3. Hunter Says:

    Danny Boy, you NEED to write another article similar to this, only with real zombies. It would be utterly LEGENDARY.

    ps. Keep Shawn in it.

  4. whoatrish. Says:

    daniel…i need you…

    to write more. i love it.

  5. Liam Says:

    Awesome. Danny-boy, you should write a zombie book, I swear to God I’ll buy it!

    Oh, yeah… and I’d like to buy Shawn’s face-hat, if’n ya please.

  6. Amanda J Says:

    Hahaha. He said he can’t destroy swine flu if he has ‘the flu’ hmm i wonder what flu he had?

  7. PuddleOfAids Says:

    “dongoatze”, are you sure those rioters and men wearing gas maskes weren’t actually wearing face-hats? I hear they’re all the craze, and a fancy alternative to the gas mask.

  8. Ryan Says:

    “We’ll let history decide” Then I kicked him in the junk.

    Classic

  9. dongoatze Says:

    you americans may laugh at this but this is what it is like in mexico right now our house was ran-sacked and yet the police did nothing, they say they are busy with rioters and men wearing gas masks
    i wish truly that i could laugh at this artical but instead it simply brings a tears to my eye

  10. Jennie Says:

    “Shut up, Shawn. I’d like to racially-intolerate him right in his stupid face. ”

    hilarious!!

  11. Janeen Says:

    Thank you for one of the funniest pieces I’ve read in awhile. Very good sir, very good.

  12. Obitron2000 Says:

    Lol v funny article, a little disturbing but thoroughly entertaining :)

    P.S. Comment flamewars are freakin hilarious, keep em up.

  13. KristovK21 Says:

    I had to make a hat out of someones face once. For medical purposes … he was a dick
    BTW… this was an awsomely (do you drop the e before the ly?) dongtacular article, but in the good way!

  14. Anonymous Says:

    @ 2DURPTURTLE:
    congrats on the originality of the alternative caps you used to vehicle this display of mid-western bigotry typical of underconfident adolescents outbursting their repressed hate on the internet.

    YOU ARE MY HERO!

    ps: fuck you.

  15. taishi Says:

    @ 2DURPTURTLE
    “WaS hE a HoMo aNd U’rE bLaMiNg ThE sWiNe FlU iNsTeAd Of HiS AiDs?!”
    How inhuman can you possibly be? You are the worst trash to walk the Earth, you know that? AIDS isn’t a laughing matter. It’s a terrible syndromee that renders the body inable to defend itself from even the weakest of diseases. How can you be so cruel to someone who lost their brother? Have you no shame? Have you no tact? Have you no morals? Do you lack simple human decency or are you simply the dumbest piece of shit to walk the Earth? I’m guessing the latter since you can’t even be bothered to type out “you’re” even though you have a keyboard in front of you. And honestly, the alternating caps and uncaps? dO yOu ThInK tHaT pEoPlE lIkE tO rEaD tHiS sOrT oF A tHiNg? Use English properly, or better yet, don’t use it at all. Spare the rest of us your stupid inhuman ramblings. Quit being a fucktard and stop polluting the internet with your presence.

  16. Swine Flu Pandemic Symptoms » Blog Archive » Latest swine flu epidemics news - 28 Days Later: The Swine Flu E Says:

    [...] 28 Days Later: The Swine Flu Epidemic | Cracked.com [...]

  17. ~* Swine Flu thread *~ - Politics and Other Controversies - Page 86 - City-Data Forum Says:

    [...] Cracked.com has a hilarious take on how the swine flu has affected life around their office. 28 Days Later: The Swine Flu Epidemic | Cracked.com [+] Rate this post [...]

  18. cristian Says:

    Hey I just read this article in spanish, the web page is hazmeelchingadofavor.com, I think it’s written like that, they just changed California for some city in the border.

  19. LombrizFeliz Says:

    Mr. Macho Morelos, try going to China with your Mexican passport. Personally, I’ve always thought quarantine is a great way to spend time abroad.

    I remembered this article because… A man just arrived in China today, he had A H1N1 and came from St. Louis… I gather now that you guys have more cases you’ll start to be the focus of attention soon. Have fun.

    BTW, I’m a woman. I can’t grow a pair. Currently, humans haven’t found an effective gender swap operation for women. But ovaries are great, I highly recommend them, seems they help me avoid using ‘fuck you’ to talk about basically everything.

    I guess (almost) everything can be laughed at. Human stupidity and their lack of empathy, are at the top of my laugh list. ;)

    Sorry about your brother DURPTURTLE.

  20. SepticKup Says:

    Aaaaaaaaaand this is why everybody at the office watches you with a nervous paranoid glare. Or so I assume.

    Funny stuff once again.

    You’ll be in my nightmares.

  21. Anonymous Says:

    It won’t be the pandemic that kills us. It’ll be the panic that kills us.

  22. Sweet potatoes are the best thing ever for you. Even if you get swine flu. Though if you get swine flu, call me, because I’d like to lick your door knobs. « well fed, flat broke Says:

    [...] and frivolity and feeling fantastic. Also tomorrow, I’ll sign up for bootcamp. I really think some violent influenza would be easier to stomach. [...]

  23. Maybe because... Says:

    … you’re sitting in your car with the engine running (windows down) in your garage (big door closed) with your laptop at hand trying to find some happiness in life before ending it all and you came to Cracked.com for possible salvation my friend?! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=25&sku=E-CD00302

  24. Dude Says:

    I said “We’ll let history decide,” and then I kicked him in the junk.

    lol funniest line ever. No clue why, but I’m actually crying I’m laughing so hard.

  25. Nicole Says:

    Mr. O’Brien, you’re completely wrong for me in every way, but I love you. Marry me?

  26. ggdgdfgsd Says:

    hahaha how funny. grow a creativity asshole.

  27. MikeMack Says:

    Geez…all we need is to give George Romero a camera to shoot this and we’ve got ourselves another epic on our hands.

  28. CitizenJones Says:

    Dan, you rock. This one is from a white boy in Africa & I’ll phontesize it for you

    Im sunu wak mareta hau, im sunu-gayako! Way ruder than any English, Greek, Italian or Turkish could ever be. Use it with pride.

  29. Swine Flu & You « Feelin’ Groovy Says:

    [...] if you do get the flu, please, please don’t be this guy.  Destroying the brain is NOT the only way to stop the [...]

  30. glum Says:

    Bahahaa this was amazing.. thanks

  31. 2DURPTURTLE Says:

    WaS hE a HoMo aNd U’rE bLaMiNg ThE sWiNe FlU iNsTeAd Of HiS AiDs?!

    LoL!

  32. 2DURPTURTLE Says:

    “Thats not funny, my brother died that way” — who says that’s not funny?!?!? Bwwahahahaahahahahahaaa!! L - O - S - E - R - !

  33. DURPTURTLE Says:

    DIEDirtyMexicans! get back to a *chan

  34. DURPTURTLE Says:

    Thats not funny, my brother died that way

  35. dylan Says:

    Hilarious, loved it.

  36. Nerds Make Science Fun! » Blog Archive » 28 Days Later: the Swine Flu Says:

    [...] Well, I was going to write something about the swine flu, but instead, I’ll let Cracked.com columnist Daniel O’Brien do that for me. [...]

  37. Guest_Name Says:

    Fuck you, LombrizFeliz. Everything can be laughed at. In fact, the idea that people are acting fuck-all crazy about this goddamn flu is a great reason to laugh. I guess we should be sorry that you’ve been mildly inconvenienced by people acting retarded? Wahhhh!!!!

    Nice post DOB.

  38. CerditoFeliz Says:

    @LombrizFeliz:

    Cmon man, grow a pair. I went to mexico city last monday (im from morelos, about an hour from mexico city) and even got a dinner in the street (delicious tacos al pastor). Sure, the streets are empty but getting all paranoid and offended for this article doesnt help to the international image mexico is getting right now.

  39. Lewis Says:

    a test showed that surgery masks aren’t effective against swine flu…

  40. Dai Says:

    xDDD

    That was friggin’ hilarious.
    Good job.

  41. so_and_so Says:

    “I took the skin from Ian’s face and made a hat for myself, to warn those infected that I am the destroyer of the virus, and also because I look good in fancy hats.”

    my favorite part :)

    yeah, the swine flu seems awful, but sometimes it’s good to laugh. makes it feel less…real and scary.

  42. Lord Astral Says:

    Yeah all those fucktards wearing the masks and closing schools.

    All you dipshits are freaking cowards. What, are we going to shut down the whole world every time it hits cold and flu season?

    I mean, really, fucking grow a pair.

  43. Sjizzle Says:

    the best part about swine flu is all people wearing the surgery masks, do those prevent disease or are they just for show?

  44. Sjizzle Says:

    good times

  45. DIEDirtyMexicans! Says:

    When the Mexican population dies out (except those that work our orchards, car washes…etc.), we’ll go down there and take over the abandoned resorts. They don’t protect their tourists (greedy bastards) like Cuba does. We’ll get a huge barge… load up all the rotting corpses and dump them into the sea to feed the sharks (that are left from the fucking Asians and Costa Ricans killing them off for their fins). It’ll be win-win for us all… including the sharks.

    Who’s in?!

    http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=30&sku=E-CD00296

  46. saph Says:

    Dude…
    BlazingGuns?
    Probably.

    AND before you add “surely it can’t be that bad?” like every typical American, let me just pre-empt you by saying he’s there and you’re not, so yeah…

    Not too bad an article, just… it’s a bit early, Cracked, okay? How about holding off till the breakout is ending? Other than that, totally great Zombie Survival Guide ripoff…!

  47. BlazingGuns Says:

    Dude…
    lombrizfeliz guy?
    Is mexico honestly that bad right now?

  48. Yasmin Says:

    The media in England is going batshit, too. My friend ran in the other day and yells “Anyone from Barnet stay AWAY from me before I get infected!!!1111″
    Personally, I’m not too bothered.

  49. Speedstreamer Says:

    I’ve already set up my flu-pocalypse shelter based on your successful strategies, like killing the flu carriers, and have compensated for what you forgot, like food and flu vaccines for me.

  50. OhCock.. Says:

    “If you it’s caused by heavy traffic…” ??????????? AHHHHHG

  51. LombrizFeliz Says:

    There are things you just don’t laugh at.

    Mexico City, feels worse than living hell, sense of humor doesn’t bail you out of this one. Supermarkets are ransacked, over the counter medication is a luxury, we’re barricaded in our houses, etc.

    Feeling like the scum of the planet, because you’re Mexican or live in Mexico, doesn’t help.

    I really hope you don’t have to live this in the States, ’cause it blows.

    I’ve been reading Cracked for a long time; this is the first time I find such a terrible article.

  52. pmp600 Says:

    I just found a use for cracked. When you get timed out trying to visit a site, in order to figure out if it’s due to heavy traffic or bad internet, type cracked.com in the address bar. If you it’s caused by heavy traffic, cracked pops right up. Thanks cracked

  53. Epimetheus Says:

    delicious brains….

  54. bones Says:

    so….this is a flu for cops? im so confused.

  55. WeALLKnowARACHELlikeThat! Says:

    lol.

  56. Greg Says:

    This flu might eventually lead to Zombification.

    GET READY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  57. BobDobolina Says:

    Wait… HERPES?!?!

  58. BobDobolina Says:

    “Rachel… from BC with Herpes?! Remember me working you over a few times in the sheets in Calgary?! You were good… ‘cept for telling me you had Herpes AFTER I fucked you.”

    Huh. Small world. I know a Rachel just like that.

  59. BobDobolina Says:

    “i have fucked seventeed thousand too many of your american cars six times for i am the am for real to you get my fag?”

    I think Joe would make an excellent Cracked columnist. He could be, like, the Smoove B of Cracked.

    This was some funny shit, right here.

  60. DizzyIrisImages Says:

    LoL I can’t stop laughing, great article!

  61. Jack Steward Says:

    Was laughing through the whole thing. Your third best article.

  62. Riven Says:

    Ah, DOB. I’ve been reading so much Swaim and Brockway lately that I was thinking, ‘Hey, you know, they’re pretty good. Maybe I was over-reacting a bit with DOB.’ And there’s some funny stuff on the Internet, too. I was a bit confused, much like puberty except with comedy writers and not my sexuality.

    It’s like you heard my prayers, man, and knew that I was straying. And then you slapped me in the face with your abs (I do not know how you did that) and told me to sit down and shut up, this was DOB’s Internet and I follow your rules.

  63. InuGhost Says:

    DOB please share with us more of your words of wisdom so we too may go out and combat the swine flu zombies. I’ve already stockpiled several containers for all the face masks I shall be collecting.

  64. LoneHeero Says:

    Great article DOB, and what the fuck is joe saying?? I really hope English is not his first language.

  65. Nattie Says:

    theronthethird that was my favorite bit too.

  66. Nattie Says:

    You KNOW Roseanne Barr (hamgina) is the Alpha Case, right? Kill her and all the rest die, I think.

    Samuel…it’s…it’s a humor column, my friend. I hate saying that now when it was so damn funny and having to say that kinda ruins the joke, but…lighten up, man.

  67. Elle Says:

    I expect to see your face hats on ebay ASAP.

  68. sara Says:

    best.article.ever.

  69. theronthethird Says:

    “blindly stocking up on shotgun shells and storing my urine in a jar is a solid plan”

    so awesome!

  70. Samuel Says:

    What. The. Fuck

    That was disturbing…

  71. MitchCumstein Says:

    “wow, holy shit that was easy”

    I had to put my laptop top down for a few minutes and collect my thoughts before continuing

  72. Nic O Tene Says:

    Funniest DOB article yet. Coming at YA!!

  73. joe Says:

    for every seven days that lapses
    let a tater fall
    let a tater fall free.

  74. joe Says:

    i have fucked seventeed thousand too many of your american cars six times for i am the am for real to you get my fag?

  75. Penisoauris Says:

    D O’B, you, Sir, are one funny motherfucker. Well played, indeed.

  76. ... Says:

    Meh.

  77. joe Says:

    D.O.B., you never disappoint. Brilliant.

  78. 4thSurvivor Says:

    Bahhh!!

    The Swine Flue doesn’t come from Mexico!!

    It comes from all the pork this administration is passing on us!!

  79. Josh Says:

    “I am the slayer of the infected, destroyer of the lost souls and manufacturer of fancy face hats.”

    Tell me you weren’t listening to “Dead Skin Mask” by Slayer when you wrote that. LOL. But I guess it fits since that song is about going insane and killing people. It was also funny to change it to face hats.

  80. Skyman Says:

    I would like everyone to know that my brand new face hat is named CavalierX.

  81. SemanticIvy Says:

    “Shawn objected, pointing out that the heat is still on. ‘Yeah,’ I told Shawn, ‘the heat is on, so watch yourself.’
    I don’t know why I said that.”

    Classic. You’re amazing.

  82. Lord Shplane Says:

    That’s actually how Mexico works.

    I know, I’m a geogrophist.

  83. finfan Says:

    Thank you for not relating this in any way to twitter, it was excellent! Also, I have never met a Shawn who wasn’t a complete douche, so your coworkers name made it that much funnier!

  84. FloodOne Says:

    When you destroy the brain, make sure you use drained AA batteries. Going green is the only way to stop a zombie apocalypse

  85. teh noob Says:

    “Yeah,” I told Shawn, “the heat is on, so watch yourself.”

    Thanks, choking on my bagel from laughing almost killed me before the swine flu could.

  86. TenTonApe Says:

    lol I don’t believe in Swine Flu *sneeze*

  87. Gabriel Says:

    A bit funny, but “I am the slayer of the infected, destroyer of the lost souls and manufacturer of fancy face hats.” was just pure awesome.

  88. Danjer047 Says:

    This article gave me Swine Flu…

  89. lamar Says:

    to tonyjk78… it sucks to b you
    swear filled dick jokes never get old

    is like disrespecting THATS WHAT SHE SAID. that never gets old

  90. glendoor42 Says:

    Oh, and I laughed at Dan’s artwork. I collect it all on my computer because, one day when Dan is dead, it will be worth millions.

    You know Dan you should really consider becoming a full time artist and possibly a full time lion tamer and wear a blindfold when you do it and have raw meat hanging around your neck, yeah , that’s it. I mean when you lion tame, not when draw. you can wear what ever you want when do that.

    Do that Dan.

  91. InkAutomaton Says:

    @punchline: Lol- SwaimFlu

    v__v take that hat off your head- it really doesn’t suit you, not matter how good in hats you think you look. That’s just not for your figure and bone structure…

  92. Punchline Says:

    Great article, with great bravery, except I am pretty sure if you listen really close to the news, it’s actually called the Swaim Flu.

  93. Salem Says:

    LMAO

    this article is awesome

    face hats LOL

    that Shawn guy must be a total dick

  94. Anaughtybear Says:

    Let’s all salute DOB for his bravery in this situation, and hope his gallant actions are not in vain.

  95. Ddude28 Says:

    Hanz
    @Ddude28. “I tip my hat to this.” Your face-hat?

    Yes of course my face hat! Made into the shape of a cliché rich man’s hat

  96. m1ssp1nk Says:

    Brilliant, laughed for most (okay - all) of the article!

  97. rachel has Herpes? Says:

    Rachel… from BC with Herpes?! Remember me working you over a few times in the sheets in Calgary?! You were good… ‘cept for telling me you had Herpes AFTER I fucked you. Other than that… you were a hot tramp. Cum back soon (and I’ll do the same on your back… again).

    XOXO!

  98. rachel Says:

    why do all of your articles deteriorate into killing and last man alive but total fucking nutbag crazy scenarios

  99. http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=30&sku=E-CD00364 Says:

    Hmmm yeah. I sent that to my Swine Flu buddies!

  100. glendoor42 Says:

    I laughed, I laughed like hell particularly at this part

    ” I took the skin from Ian’s face and made a hat for myself, to warn those infected that I am the destroyer of the virus, and also because I look good in fancy hats.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!, SEE I’M STILL LAUGHING.

  101. tonyjk78 Says:

    Had pretty high hopes for this one - DOB’s my favorite columnist, and the whole Swine Flu scare is ripe for a site like Cracked - but I can’t say I laughed once, while I read this. I think I’m just getting tired of the sort of absurd, swear-filled adventure situation that this site runs on (in addition to lists and dick jokes). I used to love that sort of thing, but I guess I’m just growing numb to it. This seems to happen to every new comedy site I find, though, so it’s probably not Cracked’s fault. Just sucks to be me, I guess.

  102. Ericthebold Says:

    Ian sneezed today hahaha priceless

  103. Tartra Says:

    @Caz

    I don’t get it.

  104. Tartra Says:

    It was funny but not as funny as your articles usually are. Still, thanks for bringing out the lighter side of it the situation, DOB! It’s always appreciated.

    Plus, a face-hat-covered body has made it into my top 20 list of things I would actually like to see (but would be undeniably traumatized by) in real life.

  105. JasonF Says:

    man, i just wanted to fellate you DOB, but it looks like Erin McAlias beat me to it. maybe you’ll just get a high five instead.

  106. cAz Says:

    i hAtE yOu ^^ (HAhA Hate… Hat… Face Hats.. GEDDIT)

  107. Erin McAlias Says:

    You are an amazing man, O’Brien.

    At first I was reluctant to read this article, because people have actually died from Swine flu. (And death can usually only be funny to me a year afterward, unless the initial occurrence involves small animals that weren’t harmed, or celebrities that were.) But I’m glad I did read it.

    You’re one of the only writers that I’ve seen who’s willing to make light of the ‘Epidemic’ just yet, and who is willing to point out how retarded the media is to blow the sniffles out of proportion. When I first heard about it a few days ago, I was scared shitless, (As I live in Southern California) but the more I read about it, the more I think it is complete bullshit. Sniffles.

    (Even though it is more then the sniffles to a country without treatment for it. But who gives a shit about other countries? We’re AMERICAN, bro. Amirite?)

    I haven’t lol’d this much in a while. Have I ever mentioned that you’re my favorite Cracked writer? No? Oh yeah, because up until this article, you weren’t.

    But now you are.
    You wonderful man.

  108. Catch Says:

    “I’d like to racially-intolerate him right in his stupid face.”

    Fucking hilarious. <3 dob

  109. Hans Says:

    @Ddude28. “I tip my hat to this.” Your face-hat?

  110. ktmc317 Says:

    hi alex.

  111. random240 Says:

    “continued pattern of aggressive racial intolerance.” Shut up, Shawn.

    I rofled a little

  112. Cherlindrea Says:

    Going back and re-reading the intro after the article made it all the funnier. That was totally classic, DOB!

  113. kingmonkey Says:

    If Bucholz is a robot, he can’t catch the flu, right? Does that mean he is the only surviving Cracked person?

  114. das_w00tman Says:

    hola hombres,

    i just jumped outta mexico, and i need a place to hide out till i stop coughing and shit.
    you seniors got a bedroll?

  115. checkminus Says:

    “My grasp on geography is admittedly weak, but I’m pretty sure it’s either just north of California or perhaps is on island right off the coast, though I also suspect it might be several miles above us, suspended by a series of helicopters.” that was great.

    also, now i’m all curious and shit. what does the J in Daniel J. O’Brien stand for?

  116. ArchieAnderson Says:

    The face hats were a nice touch.

  117. Nukewhales Says:

    Thank you DOB, thank you so much for finally making fun of the media for blowing the flu thing completely out of control. My microbiology professor said yesterday, “that the media right now is much worse than reliable concerning the swine flu”

  118. Ddude28 Says:

    This is officially, 100% guaranteed the funniest thing ever written and published onto cracked.com. I tip my hat to this.

  119. CavalierX Says:

    I sneezed while reading this article! AAAAAAHHHH!

  120. Capt. Obvious Says:

    @T: You are brilliant. You are the most intelligent and incredible human being on the face of the earth. I declare you omniscient. Your powers of observation are far beyond the capacity of us mere mortals.

  121. gemma Says:

    well done this article was brilliant

  122. G1DRAKE Says:

    and no zombies , man where are the zombie??? i want to kill something(rekill)

  123. I-Rod Says:

    I said “We’ll let history decide,” and then I kicked him in the junk.

    Thats how I end all conversations

  124. Alex Mathews Says:

    Dan, this wasn’t one of your funniest articles, but I definitely enjoyed it nevertheless. I’m sure it must be hard to write a weekly humor column that’s fun to read without recycling jokes, but I think the majority would agree you’re doing a consistently better job compared to the other bloggers.

    Personally I like the ambition of the use of photoshop in your recent articles; your skill has certainly improved. Visual gags like that shouldn’t be underestimated, and the more you can combine different types of humor in your article, the better.

    Still, taking a current event and doing something totally creative with it like you’ve been doing seems to work for you, so keep up the good work. Your ‘fictionalized’ style of writing in recent articles makes me long for a sequel to your Bartender book, or maybe a new novel altogether.

    Make it happen, DOB!

  125. Pedgerow Says:

    This really, really made me want to watch the South Park episode with the homeless people. I was reminded because it’s amazing, and so is this.

  126. Esmoreit Says:

    Anyone else thought that Shawn kinda sounds like Sean? Guess who didn’t come through the “columnist hazing ritual”.

  127. Salmule Says:

    lol well done … hilarious.

  128. hazardlad Says:

    First birds, then horses, now pigs? What next? Unicorn?

  129. Jesper Says:

    Well this is an awesome article

  130. Clara Says:

    Face hats. I love.

    Shaun. I hate that guy.

    Itchy, tasty.

  131. the phizzle Says:

    Now if this swin flu would actualy turn people into zombies then we can all have some fun by killing them and making hats out of their undead faces

  132. T Says:

    It’s ironic because its sounds like he is the one infected with the virus!

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