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27 Observations About The Goddamn KFC Line I'm In

kfcSCENE: Christopher "Everyman" Bucholz walks into a Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Oh crap, there's a line. I should go. Yeah, I should go to Wendy's. -squints, makes sucking motion through teeth- No. Let's gut this out. That hankering for popcorn chicken was the real deal. You can't ignore your body when it sends signals like that.

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Old man, please know what you want before you order. Holy hell. There is a menu the size of a couch right there. It has pictures of the food on it. This is a menu designed to be usable by gerbils. How the fuck can you be standing in line for 10 minutes and not figure out what you want?

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How on Earth can you not know how combos work? That is not a new invention. It's in the Bible. "Land flowing with milk, and honey for only a dollar more." Remember that? Fuuuuuuuuuck.

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Oh good. It's the woman with three kids, and an order for 28 more. It would be easiest to just give her five garbage bags full of chicken, but no, let's read through your two-page list of requests. Everyone will enjoy that.

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Please do not let your child use the soda machine. He is four-fucking-years-old. He cannot reach it. And now there's soda everywhere. What a fascinating intersection of gravity, fluid dynamics and stupidity.

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Please yell at your child. Let them know they did something wrong! Would you like me to do it? Put me in, coach. I'm ready.

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lineupOK, this guy's cool. Two piece combo, pays cash, stands off to the side. Yes! That is how a playa orders at KFC! Do you see that, mouth-breathers? Do you see how simple it can be?

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That's great. This guy just saved me like a minute. I'm going to give him a little nod. Let him know I saw what he did there and appreciate it.

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OK, that seemed to freak him out. I shouldn't have done that.

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Every single KFC I've been to is like this. I don't get it. The process of frying the fuck out of something and exchanging it for money is thousands of years old. There's hieroglyphics of it. You'd think the process would be down. How is KFC so bad at this?

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Why is there only one cashier? It's six o'clock. Do they not know that's when people want terrible chicken dishes? Do they not have some sort of chicken genius with a chicken spreadsheet running chicken regression analyses to map out peak staffing needs? Well how about dinner time? HOW ABOUT HAVING MORE STAFF AROUND AT DINNER TIME?

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Seriously. They have three cash registers here. I have never seen those other two used. Are they fake? Part of some sort of elaborate tax dodge? Maybe KFC's a front for something? A better restaurant?

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Heh, that would be hilarious if some Egypt guy was studying hieroglyphs and saw this one glyph of an old guy ordering chicken, and Horus is standing behind him, tapping his foot and looking pissed.

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bickleA deleted scene from Taxi Driver, Scorcese reportedly cut it for making Travis Bickle seem too sympathetic.

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I should have gone to Wendy's. I don't even feel like chicken now. Damnit, no. I'm halfway there now. I will follow through on one damn thing in my life. This is not Devry.

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I should go grocery shopping is what I should do. I could eat three meals for what I'm about to spend on something that barely qualifies as food. I could cram this popcorn chicken up my ass for all the nutritional good it will do me.

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I should send that in to the Mythbusters.

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Do not ask questions about the chicken! The person in the paper hat with the 25 minutes of training has no answers for you, fool!

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Also, you do not want to spend too much time thinking about the food at KFC. That way lies madness.

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Old Chinese woman, I will beat you with a shovel if you do not hurry up and order. I am not kidding. I can get a shovel. You think I am kidding? I'm not, as previously discussed. Let's set this up.

shovel-headed-kill-machine-frontMy special KFC shovel.

Oh I get it now. She's a trainee employee. OK, I feel a little bad for this girl. That right there is a shitty, shitty way to earn $7 an hour. Some people have shitty jobs, but they work outside, or make tips or get to go home not smelling of chicken. Not her.

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I'm going to tip her. I'll do it. It will be so cool. She will be all "That's six-thirty-five please," and I'll hand her a 10 and say, "make it eight."

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What am I thinking? Trying to tip the 16-year-old girl at the KFC counter, like I'm Reginald Q. Sex Offender. Also, fuck that. This chicken isn't even worth $2. I will keep my change, thank you.

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Holy shit, what would happen to Bruce Banner if he ever walked into a KFC? He wouldn't last 20 seconds in this place. He would Hulk right the fuck out the first time someone asked what their options were for sides. Pants all ripped, leaping on to the counter screaming "SIDES!? YOU DON'T SEE THE HUGE SIGN THAT SAYS 'SIDES'? WITH THE LIST OF SIDES UNDERNEATH IT? HULK SEES IT. WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM? RAAAAAARRRRRGH! -Hulk smashes the children's sticker machine in the corner and storms off.-

hulk

Finally! Finally made it to the front. What? Where are you going? WHERE ARE YOU GOING HALF-WIT KFC TRAINEE EMPLOYEE? DO NOT GO INTO THE BACK. DO NOT ATTEND TO OTHER CHICKEN RELATED TASKS. YOUR DUTY IS HERE, WITH ME. I WILL MURDER YOU WITH MY MIND IF YOU DO NOT BRING ME POPCORN CHICKEN. - I close my eyes and concentrate. My face scrunches up. A single bead of sweat trickles down my forehead. In my ears the sound of a million crows screaming.-

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Ahh good! The manager's here. Finally someone with a deep intuitive understanding of the KFC/KFC patron relationship. Why is she talking in static?

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OK, apparently there's a lot of blood coming out of my ears. I have to have to sit down until the ambulance comes. I ask for chicken, but they say the 911 dispatcher doesn't think it's a good idea. They give me a cup of ice chips instead. I ask if I can get some dipping sauce, and they shrug. What kind do I want? Uhhhhhhhhhhhh. Um. What are my options?

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Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and your best friend. Join him on Facebook or Twitter and make him reconsider that.

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