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26 Items from the Worst Gift Catalog Possible

Since 1831, Pumblechook & Figg, Impourter of Thynges, has brought you, the consumer, any manner of mercantile goods to fill the ever-expanding sense of despair in your daily doings. Since then, P&F has grown into the world's leading supplier of everything, with warehouses on every block in the world. If we don't have it, you're making it up like a goddamn liar.


O, lucky sir or madam! How jealous we are of you, for you grasp in your hands no mere catalog, but the once-only joy of beholding Pumblechook & Figg's glories for the first time! And also because you have known what love is, a feeling we ache to know for even one burning second!

So from our massive family to your paltry, probably starving one, Merry Holiday Season. May your wrens be lively, and your pickled plums inedible.

Brendan came up with the ultimate list of Gifts You Actually Want. It being the holiday, you can find him making merry on the Twitter @brendanmcginley.

Remember the time Brendan enlisted to fight in the War on Christmas? Caught and hung (that's right, ladies) as a spy, his only regret was that he had but one joke to tell for his country.

Tree Imp -- Images
Magic Mistletoe -- Jupiterimages/ Images
Fancy Jam-- Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Fruitcake -- Jupiterimages/Comstock/Getty Images
Caveman Tools -- Hemera Technologies/ Images
Gun -- Hemera Technologies/ Images
Cheese -- Hemera Technologies/ Images
Circular Saw -- Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty Images
Wheel -- Hemera Technologies/ Images
Child Chef -- Jupiterimages/Brand X Pictures/Getty Images
Doghouse -- Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Plane Wings -- Hemera Technologies/ Images
Evil Box -- Images
Toddler -- Hemera Technologies/ Images
Mustache Rides -- Images
Records -- Comstock/Comstock/Getty Images
Phonograph Cylinder -- Wikipedia
Soda Maker -- Sodastream via Bloomingdales
Vibrating Device -- Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty Images
Underwear -- Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Stockings -- Jupiterimages/Goodshoot/Getty Images
Soap Basket -- Creatas Images/Creatas/Getty Images
Vacuum -- Jupiterimages/Polka Dot/Getty Images
Surrealism -- Hemera Technologies/ Images
Doctor -- Creatas Images/Creatas/Getty Images

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Brendan McGinley

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