Super Street Fighter II Turbo (Amiga CD32, 1996)
Take a moment to really take in everything that's happening on this box. Cammie is doing kata surrounded by default-settinged Photoshop filters and an exploding city. T-Hawk is either sucking the souls of Blanka and Chun Li into some kind of Indian pouch, or they've learned how to kick so hard their feet are jet engines. Both scenarios are equally plausible and sweet. Emotions are being expressed in every direction from grim determination to demonic rage to Caribbean rapist. And to think that the artist's 7th grade art teacher gave him a C+ on this project.
Power Blade 2 (NES, 1992)
This was all that was recovered from the combat journal of Captain Saver:
X-Man (Atari 2600, 1983)
X-Man might have the most descriptive box cover in the history of electronic entertainment. Teeth, scissors, and a crab chasing you through a maze to cut your dick off is exactly what this game is about. The T.oughness R.ating C.omputer included it because this guy is facing down one of the worst ways to die and laughing about it. This brave idiot has decided that if he's going to die a gruesome and insane death, he might as well do it from inside a slut, and we can only hope to have that kind of clarity in our final moments. Before X-Man, no one had done anything like that since Catherine the Great's horse.
Crack Down (Amiga, 1990)
When there's an ape, a storm trooper, and Satan exploding right next to you, then whatever made you turn the other way has got to be utterly indescribable. And whatever it is, you'd have to be some incredible combination of Rambo and Steve McQueen to even shoot at it with your gun instead of your pee. Oh, wait. Holy shit.
International Karate + (CBM Amiga, 1988)
This game was labeled "Ages 80 and Up" because it wanted to be sure you had lived a long and full life before it kicked your throat closed. Plus, if you got the IK+ box near a woman whose body could still menstruate, Steven Seagal would smell her weakness and charge. This box is so manly that when I asked my girl to carry it in her purse, I could see the universe ripple a little bit.
Two Crude Dudes (Sega Mega Drive, 1992)
When the world lies in ruins, every t-shirt is a child's extra small. I thought this looked more like an ad for a private masseuse than a video game, but the T.oughness R.ating C.omputer pointed out that Two Crude Dudes is the perfect embodiment of one of my worst fears-- coming out of a coma and not being sure if I'm in the Road Warrior Apocalypse or a Fetish Ball Fundraiser. "H-how did you know about that?" I asked the robot.
Warwolf (Famicom, 1991)
Wow, the werewolf prosthetic limb industry doesn't give a shit! And if it's this tough when a handless man turns into a werewolf, you don't even want to think about it when a guy in a wheelchair gets bitten.
In this great country of ours, we called WARWOLF "Werewolf: The Last Warrior," and this is no-bullshit how the American version ended:
America was saved and he got his hands back! Obviously not before he castrated himself, but I wouldn't worry about that. If lycanthropy works the same way in reverse, he should change back into a man and have a 9 foot sword growing out of his crotch.
Jim Power in Mutant Planet (Amiga, 1993)
Jim Power lives in a place so horrible that its sky grew a face just so it could scream. When Jim Power comes across a star hobo dying of radiation poisoning in the trash, his reaction is to stop and flex. This guy looks tough even while he listens to you die. Almost suspiciously tough... hold on a second.
Nice! Jim Power is the left Jean-Claude Van Damme from the Double Impact poster! That's the one without a shirt-- great choice, Jim!
For more of his Cracked hilarity, see 10 Toys from the 80s That Just Didn't Care, The 4 Most Irresponsible Sex Advice Books of All Time, and Your 3rd Grade Science Textbook As Written by Gary Busey.