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24 Video Game Covers That Will Double Your Testosterone

Donkey Kong (Atari 2600, 1982)

The first Donkey Kong was released on every video game system in every country and the cover of all of them featured an adorable cartoon ape flinging barrels at a maintenance man. But when they marketed it to Atari 2600 owners in the UK, they decided to make it this awesome picture of Hephaestus sharing a keg of beer with what is so obviously five gorilla vampires that merged to form one big one. Here, I'll put the two boxes next to each other.

Look at the cover on the left-- what a whimsical adventure they're having! There's even a rainbow bar above Donkey's head to let everyone know that whatever he's planning to do with that woman, it won't involve anything worse than beating her to death. On the other hand, with the improved Donkey Kong cover on the right, you look at it and know that whatever happens next, it ends with someone or something getting fucked.

Ikari Warriors (Amstrad, 1986)

That's a grenade going off on a man's mouth while there's a completely different grenade already in it. When you're this tough, it's the only way to shave your chest hair.

Drug Wars (Philips CDi, 1996)

An out-of-work actor with a gun is always at his most dangerous when his blindfold is falling off. This is a game made entirely out of footage of real people by a company called American Laser Games. I think they called themselves that because the name Your Wife's Mouth Is What I Use For Underwear - Guitar Sound!, LLC didn't fit on a business card.

Rival Turf! (SNES, 1992)

Gulp. We're sorry we disturbed your youth group's skit about drug safety, boys. We didn't know anyone was using the gym tonight. Please continue.

Space Pirates (3D0, 1994)

From the makers of Drug Wars comes a game with an even less complicated title. Space Pirates is acted out by real amateur stuntmen pretending to die from lasers. It's also apparently set in a solar system where gravy is the most abundant natural resource. The producers of this game recorded more hilarious footage of fat people falling down than an Eskimo Pie warehouse's security camera. And as you can see by the cover, in the darkest corners of the galaxy, there is nothing scarier than a dungeon master who just found out there's no such thing as "disco baseball" and you guys only invited him to be the umpire to fuck with him.

Ikari Warriors (Atari 2600, 1989)

Legendary Axe II (Turbo Grafx 16, 1990)

When the cover of your video game is a picture of two guys high-fiving with battle axes, I've seen everything I need to see. Here is my money. The artist must have been worried about some other barbarian game stealing his kick ass idea, because he finished it before he even learned how to paint. I haven't seen anyone misunderstand anatomy and foreshortening this much since my middle school girlfriend let me go down on her.

Ikari III: The Rescue (NES, 1991)

By the time they were in their third game, the Ikari Warriors might have become a little overconfident. They came to war straight from yoga. They didn't even bring weapons. The only thing they had time to pack for their trip to the wartorn jungle was a spin kick and a dance belt, and that suited them just fine. These guys are so tough that they can stay underwater and tenderly kiss long enough to fall in love 23 consecutive times. The Ikari Warriors men that can achieve orgasm simply by yelling at each other's nipples.

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