Walted Milk Balls
For the first two hours of the party, you are told how incredibly tasty these are supposed to be. Suddenly they are gone and no one speaks of them again.
This pie is always trying to make the party better, but the thing is, it can't fix every party it's at. The pie really just needs to let go and accept that it's just one pie. It's an important pie, yes, but it can't feed everyone. Sometimes it is okay to accept help from other pies.
Not Penny's Gravy Boat
I would actually not suggest putting this gravy on anything. Helping your appetite is not its... primary objective.
WAAAAAAAAAALTed Milk Balls
We'll bring this to the party again, because the party was not done with them yet. All this treat cares about is being with other similar candies, because that is its right. That is a CANDY'S right. They'll probably save a bunch of other snacks, but then get thrown away.
Pizza In Another Life, Brotha
This pizza reminds you of something, but... you can't quite put your finger on what that might be. It gives you the sinking feeling that this pizza does not belong to you, like you should be eating a different pizza. Somewhere else. Somewhen else. You eat it anyway.
Flan Of Science, Flan Of Faith
Some people at your party will eat this flan and some won't. It's not that they don't like flan, it's that they don't believe in it. All you have to do, though, is commit suicide and then everyone at your party will slowly start to believe in flan.
Shannon And Boone Totally Did Each Other: The Sandwich
This sandwich is all kinds of wrong, yet it tastes so right. You'd better savor it, too, because you only get one.
She Probably Blew Him, Too: The Bag Of Chips
Just like Shannon And Boone Totally Did Each Other: The Sandwich, only it's chips.
Pork, Steak, Chip Beans, Mixed Greens, Plenty Of Peas, Porridge, Stew
This hodgepodge of snacks is cursed. You see these foods wherever you go and eventually find out that each food corresponds to a scheduled appointment for eating candy with your significant other (AKA - Candy Dates).
We Were Brought Here For A Reason(able Amount Of Wine)
You know in your heart and soul that you should drink this wine. In fact, your whole life has been leading up to you drinking this wine. Just make sure you don't drink too much of it, though, or the darkness will escape and some very bad things will happen. Definitely don't drive.
Yule Log, Everybody!
This has a very memorable taste. Even after you're done eating this, you will have it stuck on your palate.
A Baby Polar Bear
This should not be at a party, for food or otherwise. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS DOING AT A PARTY?" you'll shout. We won't know where it came from for a couple more parties.
They say this is filleted salmon, but it's probably just a red herring.
My Name Is Ginger Ale, And I'm A Mini Soda
Do not believe what is written on this tiny can of Ginger Ale. It is actually a 2-liter of Sprite.
Pig And Cheddar Fried Calzone
If your party guests are ever unsure about eating, just give them this food. Yeah, it's just a fried calzone filled with cheese and ham, but it's a surprisingly effective food if you want to get your nervous guests to eat what you truly believe they have to eat in order to survive the party.
Push The Mutton Every 108 Delicious
This is basically just sheep meat. If you eat it, nothing will happen. If you don't eat it, maybe nothing will happen. To play it safe, I would eat some of it pretty frequently. If people ask you why you're eating so much mutton, tell them you're "Just savin' the party."
"Die, Kate, You're Useless" Porcini Mushrooms
These mushrooms are actually poisonous. Do not eat them.
We Have To Go Mac (& Cheese)
This is the best food you've ever seen at a party. For the entire shindig you thought you were eating spaghettios, and then WHAM! You're all "HOLY SHIT I'VE BEEN EATING MAC & CHEESE THIS WHOLE TIME? THAT IS THE COOLEST FUCKING THING EVER! HOW AM I GOING TO WAIT 8 WHOLE MONTHS FOR MORE FOOD?!?!?" You theorize for 8 months on what the next food you eat might be.
Salad Jarrah With Bensamic Vincentgrette
This food just can't make up its mind. Sometimes the salad and dressing work really well together, but other times they work against each other (taste-wise). It will often disappear for days on end and then show up at the final hour of the party, just to make sure everyone knows they didn't kill the dog.
I mean "salad."
These apples mean well, but they are in way over their stems. They will arrive in your mouth, corrupt your idea of food, and destroy your taste buds. Also, they only digest once. Everything else is just snacks.
DHARMALADE On Toast
Just like DHARAMEL Apples, only it's toast and jam.
Don't Tell Me What I Can't Fondue
This melted cheese dip didn't use to be melted. It used to be a sad, hardened, angry cheese. Then it arrived to the party and got melted, finally fulfilling its potential. It is made with smoked muenster.
Desmond's Time-Traveling Corn, I Guess
You can try this in many varieties, but the best one is probably Corn On The Constant. Try to eat it quickly, because it'll disappear for a long time, even though it's always listed on the invitation as a "regular food."
Franks And Beanses
This mix of hot dogs and beans could easily have been really awesome. Unfortunately, it's way too cheesy and corny and just when it's starting to be a pretty good food, a door hits it in the fucking face.
This pastry has all the answers, in terms of "what's a good danish to have at a party?" At first it's the kind of food that makes you feel very relaxed, because whatever happens at the party happens at the party and there's nothing you can do to change it. The problem is, eventually you kind of wish you were at a different party, because the danishes all have the wrong fruit. That's right; someone forgot about the berry-ables. Unfortunately, the danish is suddenly eaten by the woman who baked it.
Like Daniel's Faradanish, only it's chips again.
Well aware that there are 26 items in this list and not 23, Cody suggests you do something better with your time than count the items in an unnumbered list. Facebook. Twitter. Blog.