If the Cracked blog has a weak point–and it doesn’t–it’s that we occasionally neglect subjects dear to the readerships’ collective hearts. Yes, we reason, human rights violations in China require attention, but you know what’s more pressing? Gay babies. Sure, the World Cup is a cherished event viewed by billions of people around the globe, but you know what? Fuck that, because naked maids.
So at the behest of our editor, Jack, for whom you’ll be disappointed to find out I have no clever nicknames (unless “Jacklebee’s Neighborhood Grill” is considered a nickname now), I’ve “decided” to provide some political commentary on the Vice Presidential candidates, Joe Biden, Sarah Palin, and, as I’ve come to understand, The Hamburglar. I was surprised to find out about The Hamburglar, but Gladstone’s never been one to lie unless it would benefit him financially, so I’m going to run with it. Thanks for the insider info, G.
Even though this gig may not be my usual forte, I want to bring you some real, layered, hard-hitting commentary. And unlike other namby-pamby political commentators, I’m not afraid to 
come out and give my opinion. After all, what’s the point of a review if I don’t tell you which candidate to vote for? It’s like when Roper and Ebert give a split decision on a movie, and I’m so blinded with rage that I hurl my television out the window.
But this brings me to a problem. What do we really know about these candidates? Sure one steals hamburgers, but I’m not talking about Joe Biden. I want to get deeper. How to judge? What qualities earn a candidate my vote? To me, the answer is clear: the ability to take me in a fight.
Talk about hard-hitting! Plus it speaks to my distaste for being taken in a fight. If our VP’s going to be out there taking guff from the Chinese Premiere, I want one who can hold his (or her, or its, as the case may be) own.
Let the bloodbath begin.
ROUND 1—POLICIES
Biden: Biden got high marks from the NEA for his pro-teacher policies. Not particularly threatening, UNLESS it’s that teacher from The Substitute. There’s no way to be sure. Toss up.
He’s vocally pro-rehab for criminals, which basically means that if the Ambassador from Georgia sucker punched him in the gut, he’d buy the guy some Enya tickets. He also supported Social Security for illegal immigrants and is strongly opposed to private gun ownership. Not looking so hot, Joe.
The only manly legislation he ever supported was taking educational grants away from prisoners, and unless he plans to replace those educational grants with “the school of my fists,” it’s too little, too late.
Palin: Palin’s pro-life, which basically means she’s physically afraid of an unborn fetus. Not a good foot to start off on, but on the other hand, she’s a lifetime member of the NRA, supports the death penalty, and banned gay marriage in her state (apparently fearing no physical reprisals).
But the kicker was her decision to sue the government when they put Polar Bears on the threatened species list, citing the fact that Polar Bears couldn’t be on the threatened species list, because she hadn’t put them there yet.
Specifically, she’s quoted as saying “I don’t want them losing any self-confidence. Takes the fight right out of them.” She said this while standing below the head of a stuffed Polar Bear she’d killed, then reached up, grabbing it by the neck, and flung it into a crowd of reporters. Nice.
Burglar: Beyond his penchant for burgers, it’s hard to find a lot of solid policy information on this guy. Sure, he wants burgers and he’s willing to take them, by force if necessary, but is he too lily-livered to come right out with his opinions?
Gay marriage? Abortion? Immigration? Gun control? What say you, Hamburglar? The only answer: the robble robble robble of a coward.
Winner: Sarah Palin, with a Dragon Suplex.
ROUND 2—BACKGROUND
Biden: Biden’s background doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence should, say, the King of Denmark lunge at him with a broken bottle. He weaseled out of ‘Nam by going to Law School, then dodged the draft after graduation because of “chronic asthma.” I had asthma, once. You know what I did? I kneed it in the crotch and walked away. Man up, Biden.
On the other hand, Biden lost a wife and daughter in a car accident in 1972, and was sworn into the Senate at the side of their hospital beds. That kind of tragedy can either break you, or fill you with a dark sense of vengeful justice. I’ve seen Dark Knight enough times now to put my wager on the latter, and give Biden a bye on this one.
Palin: Palin was born in Idaho, but moved her family to Alaska as an infant, 
worrying that Idaho’s gentle climes were making them “soft.” In Alaska, she regularly went moose hunting and ran 10ks.
She also lead her High School basketball team to state-wide victory by sinking a crucial free throw in the last seconds of the game…on a fractured ankle. Kerri Strug later stole this tactic during the 1996 Olympic games.
Her friends call her “Sarah Barracuda” due to her ferocity, and her enemies call her “Sarah Barracuda” because she bites them.
Burglar: The Hamburglar grew up dockside in Baltimore, the son of two career cat burglars who were crushed in a tragic burgling accident. The accident didn’t involve burgers directly, but most witnesses were pretty sure that there were some burgers in the area at the time.
Thus, the young boy’s fate as the world’s most avid burglar of ham was sealed.
Winner: Sarah Palin, but only because The Hamburglar’s face is made of loosely compacted beef, and probably disfigures pretty easy. At least, that’s what I hear from the gossip rags and Happy Meal boxes.
ROUND 3—GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH
Biden:
Palin:
Burglar:
Winner: Do I even have to say? HINT: It’s the one with the elk bleeding its life out onto the ice and a fucking assault rifle aimed at you. Although, to be fair, the Hamburglar appears to be surprisingly badass.
THE VERDICT
While Joe Biden might do a bang-up job tending the White House Rose Garden or as Secretary of Downy Soft Towels, Palin’s the way to go if you want your VeeP to hit ‘em till they WeeP. The Hamburglar was disqualified, as it has recently come to my attention that he’s fictional, and Gladstone is a huge dick. Therefore, my official endorsement is…
Obama/Palin ’08!
Hope. It punches like a freight train.
When not writing for Cracked, Michael challenges Senators to fights as head writer and co founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- If You Wanna Make An Omelette, You Gotta Let Some Kids Get Molested - November 13th, 2008
- CNN Ushers In Era Of Incisive Reportage With New Holograms - November 12th, 2008
- The 7 Deadly Sins of Online Gaming - November 7th, 2008
- If McCain's Concession Speech Was As Bitter As His Campaign - November 6th, 2008
- Class War! A Handy Guide - October 30th, 2008
September 18th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
[...] ver el resto del post, visita Cracked.com. Para ver una batería de Dragon Suplexes, entra aquí. Etiqueta con:cracked.com, dragon suplex, [...]
September 12th, 2008 at 9:17 am
If this election actually came down to a fight to the death between the two tickets, the results would be laughable.
A man who survived being tortured in a Vietnam P.O.W. camp for over 5 years and a frontier woman who hunts giant animals in the coldest state in the union versus a community organizer and a guy who ran away from military service because of asthma. Tough call.
September 8th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Palin’s name is a killing word. Will it be a healing word as well?
September 8th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
MJ-89: “I have made a point to not pay any conscious attention to the American elections and hence I don’t know who any of those people are. I do know, however, that from what I can tell from this blog this Sarah Palin character is pretty much everything I dislike in a person…”
If you’re telling the truth here, it means you’re getting your political information from a comedic blog.
By the way, are you an environmental activist?
September 8th, 2008 at 7:54 am
ElDavo, I can’t remember which is which. According to Roseanne Barr, are the anti-abortionists the one who worship the sanctified fetus, or the unsanctified fetus?
September 8th, 2008 at 4:59 am
Maybe I’m nuts, but i think a woman who goes to a river lined with 900 lb grizzlies armed with a fishing pole is tough enough to whip all the candidates ass at the same time.
September 6th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Okay, let me set this straight. Being against abortion means you are anti-abortion not pro-life. It’s the same as being anti-gay marriage, it’s not pro-sanctity.
September 6th, 2008 at 3:26 am
“Hope. It punches like a freight train.” Daaaaammn… I wanna get that tattooed on my chest. I didn’t read all the comments. Did someone beat me to it?
September 5th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Crap. Now I want to bang Palin and the Hamburglar.
Palin + Hamburglar + Fat guy = special sauce.
September 5th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
At the Atlanta track I’ve actually watched someone get their teeth knocked out over flying a Kellogg’s Corn Flakes flag too close to someone else’s Havoline motor oil flag. Really. Spitting teeth on the ground knocked out. He was one of the few that had teeth to start with, too so it was even more of a shame.
September 5th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
No, it’s the place in West Tennessee where inbred locals and alcohol addicts holler and beat the shit out of each other over who prefers what driver and which sponsor.
September 5th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
So it isn’t that place in the English West Country where inbred locals and heroin addicts mix comfortably?
September 5th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
That version of Hamburgler does bear a startling resemblance to Nosferatu. With a bad 70’s tie.
Ross, that shows how little you know about the right-wing demographic in America. That kid wasn’t named after a city, it was named after a NASCAR track, which itself is named after a city. Get it straight.
MJ-89, thank you for something you said somewhere earlier. I can’t remember what it was, but I remember thinking I needed to thank you.
Kingmonkey, that “weird blue growth” was one of your sexiest attributes. Getting rid of it was like the beautiful naturally-pale girl who cooks herself into a leather handbag in a fucking tanning booth.
GreenGoddess, you’re absolutely right (thanks for the pics! wink, wink).
September 5th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Swaim who’s the chick in the picture. I must know she taunts me with her censored boobies
September 5th, 2008 at 11:54 am
@MJ : Actually, I’ve been vegetarian for 12 years, not including when I was pregnant and could not stop eating red meat.
No one was getting pictures of my boobies anyway. Like Swaim says, it’s the INTERNET people. Y’all don’t even know me. Just Google some boobie pictures and sing “Green Goddess.”
September 5th, 2008 at 8:17 am
Hey J-Papsmear, I can still post pics of my boobs, if you want ‘em. After lancing the boils, I even got rid of the Weird Blue Growth.
And MJ-89… I know. Isn’t he the fucking creepiest thing ever?
September 5th, 2008 at 7:00 am
[...] > Blog > » I Want to See Sarah Palin Naked « I Want A VP I Can Take To The Fight Club I Want to See Sarah Palin Naked by Daniel [...]
September 5th, 2008 at 6:50 am
To be fair, Bristol isn’t that stupid a name, but I do have reservations about kids named after cities.
I’d never think of naming my daughter Shithole for instance, after my home city.
September 5th, 2008 at 3:38 am
Holy fucking shit!!
Kingmonkey, what the fuck were they thinking making a mascot look like that? Like JESUS! If he came up to me in a dark alley I’d stab the fucker. Hell, if he came up to me in a well lit alley I’d stab the fucker.
September 5th, 2008 at 3:37 am
@ greengoddess
I’m a vegetarian, what’s wrong with that exactly?
@ Swaim.
Would an offer of cookies help?
September 5th, 2008 at 12:45 am
I assumed that ‘Trig’ was short for ‘Trigger’…since she’s such a mad gun toter.
And by ‘mad’ I mean ’smoking hot, librarian-esque’.
September 4th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
I did not! I said omnivore! Um, you look pretty today, GreenGoddess. Had your hair done lately? I can haz boobeez now?
Maddie, there is no such thing as irony in American politics.
September 4th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
The ironic thing, DP13, is that this trig child has down syndrome so chances of said child grasping the fundamentals of the mathematical branch that is trigonometry is slim to none.
September 4th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Good luck getting pictures of her boobs now, J.
September 4th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
J-Pappi, how dare you call me a vegetarian? That shit hurts. Be nice to me or nobody’s getting their fucking cheeseburgers!
September 4th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
She named a kid “TRIG?” That’s a kind of math! A really shitty kind of math, too!
September 4th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Palin should be immediately disqualified for giving her children really shitty names.
Track?! Bristol?! Trig?! Seriously, that’s bordering on child abuse.
September 4th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
Also, why the fuck would a giant dong ever be posted here? That’s just . . . evil. Like . . . raping dogs. Like . . . Michael Swaim-Sex-Marriage.
September 4th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
GreenGoddess: stop hoarding the cheeseburgers! I’ll sick the fscking LOLCATS on you. ^_^
September 4th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
I have nothing constructive to add to any of these conversations, but will comment regardless.
Also, I don’t vote, but thoroughly enjoyed the article. Thank you Swaim.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
http://learnsomethingnewtoday.us/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/hamburglar.jpg
The old Hamburglar is extremely hard to find these days, outside of YouTube.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
I would just like to point out that there is no king of Denmark.
It’s a queen. At least on paper.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
GreenGoddess, you’re going to sleep with the light on because of the Hamburgler? Do you hoard cheeseburgers under the covers? Are YOU the one who’s messing up the dollar menu? What the devil, woman? I’d be more worried about Glendoor than the Hamburgler if I were you. I would think you would be a vegetarian, if anything; I’m shocked.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
MJ-89: Nothing is forgiven.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
By the way, the captioned photos in Swaim’s blog always make me laugh.
September 4th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
I don’t know, the original Hamburglar was one creepy motherfucker. Have you seen pictures of him, lately? That’s actually a rhetorical question, because I’ve only found a handful of pics of him online; McDonald’s is clearly trying to cover this whole conspiracy up.
Swaim! Who would win in a fight between the creepy old Hamburglar and the Burger King?
September 4th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Though I’d still probably eat the sandwich.
September 4th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Yeah, at least they’ve toned down the ones where he’s fucking sneaking up on people. How’d you like to be outside pissing on a tree and he steps out from behind it holding a new bacon cheddar breakfast whopper? I’d shoot that fucker dead on the spot.
September 4th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
The Burger King is just about the scariest fast food character ever thought up.
*shudder*
September 4th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Thank you, Kingmonkey and glendoor42 for bringing back the haunting memories of the original Hamburglar.
I will sleep with the light on tonight.
September 4th, 2008 at 9:43 am
Kingmonkey–is that really necessary?
Yes, yes it is.
September 4th, 2008 at 8:19 am
That fucking Hamburgler could be the reason McDonalds took the doublecheeseburger off the dollar menu. His thievery could be driving McDonalds cost up. I find this is the case I’m gonna get that little fucker.
But as bad as the Hamburgler is he’s better than the Goddamn Burger King, he’s fucking creepy. The commercial where gets hit by the car just about made my year, until he got up.
September 4th, 2008 at 8:11 am
The main reason I wouldn’t vote for the Hamburgler? What the fuck is with his shady past? How many people here remember the old, creepy Hamburglar, the one who looked like a child molester? They replaced him with this new, sell-out version. Until someone can sort this shit out, I will never vote for him.
Again to reiterate, I will post pics of my boobs for anyone who is interested. I’ve lanced the boils and everything.
September 4th, 2008 at 6:35 am
I’m voting for Palin
September 4th, 2008 at 5:21 am
If it weren’t for Arrested Development I don’t think I’d know what a Hamburglar was and I’d have missed out on a good third of the pleasure of this article. Praise be to Arrested Development.
Also, please don’t vote for McCain/Palin. Ta.
September 4th, 2008 at 4:17 am
I have made a point to not pay any conscious attention to the American elections and hence I don’t know who any of those people are. I do know, however, that from what I can tell from this blog this Sarah Palin character is pretty much everything I dislike in a person… Please don’t vote in any way that could give her more power than she already has, for the love of God, I beg you.
I now officially have an opinion on an election I can’t vote in… damnit. You used to be cool Swaim!
When I was little I used to think that because people that rob houses were called burglers that that meant they were Hamburglers. Yes, I actually believed that there were real people running around that looked like The Hamburgler robbing peoples houses. There’s no point to that story, it’s just a story.
And while I’m making stupidly long comments with no point I might as well make sure you don’t think my G-Stone > Swaim shirt is an open expression of hatred towards you. T’was actually an apology to Gladstone for calling you good looking in the comments section of his blog.
September 4th, 2008 at 1:14 am
I third the vote for that particular pic, Tyler Perry’s House of Swaim.
September 4th, 2008 at 12:28 am
First, I agree: Candidates should be elected by plastic lightsaber duel.
Second is another agreement: I wouldn’t mind seeing that boob picture, either…
Also, nice post, Maiming Swaim. Me likes.
September 4th, 2008 at 12:27 am
DP13: I haven’t the slightest.
September 4th, 2008 at 12:25 am
Plus the fact the son’sabitches don’t need to be looking at nonwork related internet shit anyway.
September 4th, 2008 at 12:23 am
” last time I posted a “not blurred enough” photo of a big dick”
Boy, the possibilities are endless with that line.
September 4th, 2008 at 12:11 am
no, but just that peticular one.
September 3rd, 2008 at 11:58 pm
It’s the INTERNET. Do you REALLY need a link to boob pictures?
September 3rd, 2008 at 11:14 pm
and swaim, could you atleast post a link to the original pic.
September 3rd, 2008 at 11:12 pm
I take it back about the wepons. Plastic lightsabers it is. Unless you want to go knife edge death match style, then its just bare knuckles.
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Your thoroughness is appreciated. You fuckers sure know how to keep a fella on his toes.
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:44 pm
The boobs got censored on account of the huge number of people who claimed that they got fired/chewed out/beheaded by their bosses last time I posted a “not blurred enough” photo of a big dick. The name got changed because I didn’t think the old one was funny, and I was already in there editing out the boobies.
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:34 pm
I thought someone on another blog said gay guys like titties; just for different reasons. Of course, I think it was a chick.
GreenGoddess; you’re now officially a tease if you don’t link to some pics.
MBS, are you sure attempting to fight someone with a Suzuki is a good idea?
September 3rd, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Res_Ipsa, that’s a good idea, but what would they sing?
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:17 pm
I saw the breasts this morning, but being gay, it was kind of “meh”…and I like the original nickname for Jack better.
PS–does anyone else notice their local candidates are promising “Change”…even if they’re incumbent?
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:00 pm
I’m never here first. I can’t believe I missed boobies.
I have my own pair, of course, but there can never be enough nudity! That’s my political stance gentlemen, and I will cast my vote in November for the ticket that promises me the most nudity.
That’s just how I roll.
September 3rd, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Combination dance-fight. Like Westside Story, only with plastic light sabers. I really like the plastic light sabers idea.
September 3rd, 2008 at 2:59 pm
oooohhhhhhh. bastards changed it quickly.
September 3rd, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Holy crap Metalbrainsurgery, that would pretty much destroy the whole ‘2 party’ system right away. The UN would have to send in peacekeepers to intervene, but the Republicans would just mount their blue-helmeted heads right next to their many, many Democrat trophies.
September 3rd, 2008 at 2:55 pm
MBS, the weapons should be limited to those plastic light sabers. If a candidate kills someone with one of those, it shows how bad they want it.
September 3rd, 2008 at 2:53 pm
The thing is, she’s a country girl, but could she handle herself again a knife toting gang of greasers in a dark back alley?
September 3rd, 2008 at 2:35 pm
We should hold elections by fights to the death, with the only wepons permited are large sticks and perhaps a katana.
September 3rd, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Powerful, gun-toting, cougar MILF FTW. Palin rocks. However, that doesn’t change the fact that I hate McCain and Obama the Neophyte can go fuck a dessicated elk carcass… I mean… can go fuck Michelle. Same diff.
I’m voting 3rd Party this year.
September 3rd, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Damn (2), that name was too derivative . . .
September 3rd, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Damn, now I really want to know what the original “Jack” name was.
September 3rd, 2008 at 1:51 pm
*carcass
September 3rd, 2008 at 1:51 pm
America needs a woman who can clean her own deer carcus. I think we all do.
September 3rd, 2008 at 1:44 pm
She might be attractive if she didn’t have the hard, overly bright eyes of a religious and/or political nut.
Joe Biden on the other hand… rawr.
September 3rd, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Jesus Christ, you know she’s gotta be a size queen. Anyone got links to pix of the daughter?
September 3rd, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Wow… She has a bit of a Tina Fey thing going on… Kinda Hawt.
And I totally wouldn’t vote for her just for the possibility of a Mother/Daughter double team. Totally.
September 3rd, 2008 at 12:40 pm
How can you call someone a hypocrite because their daughter gets knocked up? Plus, her daughter was probably sleeping with some guy to stay warm.
September 3rd, 2008 at 12:32 pm
The nickname for Jack changed also.
September 3rd, 2008 at 11:50 am
@ Gemineye: When this was first posted, the first picture didn’t have the censored bar on there; breasts were shown.
September 3rd, 2008 at 11:18 am
Not only that, but I hear that her daughter’s a whore. O yea, FREE BJs FOR EVERYONE VISITING THE WHITE HOUSE! Hooray!
September 3rd, 2008 at 10:44 am
Oh, right, I forgot his vertical stripes and polka dot tie skin disorder. This post is now NSFW.
September 3rd, 2008 at 10:37 am
Also on the first Burglar pic on the end, he looks like he’s going for nudity. “Hey Kids! Wanna see something cool?”
September 3rd, 2008 at 10:06 am
That dead elk’s not wearing any clothes.
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:57 am
where’s the nudity?
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:44 am
That chic’s hot.
And fuck you McDonalds for taking the doublecheeseburger off the dollar menu. ( at least where I live)
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:30 am
Nice one, Adult Swaim. And Crazycracker, you misspelled Two-Bad. ZING!
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:20 am
Sexual Freight Swaim, don’t trust anyone over 30. Or Gladstone.
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:00 am
I just learned the Vogue pic of Palin was photoshopped…lame
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:54 am
Too bad Palin is a TWO-FACED HYPOCRITE!
“Abstinence-only education is the way to go…pay no attention to my knocked up under-aged daughter…”
“Special earmarks for pet projects are bad…pay no attention to the millions of dollars I secured for my little podunk Alaska town…”
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:44 am
Thank you for bringing her into my life.
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:13 am
Whoa–nudity!