I’m not going to ask why you’re fighting twenty children. That’s your own business, although most reasons are as old as time itself:
1) They started it.
2) You flipped over the table while losing a Magic: The Gathering game, and damaged several rare cards.
3) They stole your woman.
4) You stole their woman.
5) You’ve had enough of their bullshit.
Whether you’re a good man who was in the wrong place at the wrong time, or a dangerous maniac, we here at Cracked want to help. That’s why we’ve consulted with the experts (who did not wish to be named) on how to maximize your odds of winning a fight against twenty children. Follow these guidelines, and your opponents will wish they were never born 6 or 7 years ago.
__
Use an appropriate technique. Modern mixed martial arts are geared almost exclusively towards one on one combat, and are not designed to take on multiple tiny aggressors. As a grown adult, you could be fairly assured of absolutely destroying a 7 year old if you took him to the floor for a ground and pound. But by doing so you’d expose your back and head to his peers. Your best bet is to stay on your feet and use striking techniques. Karate is one good choice - it was originally designed in the 1600’s for use by unarmed Japanese day care workers.
Be aware of the terrain. By default, you’re going to have a height advantage against twenty children, but be sure you don’t cede it. Avoid fighting around picnic tables, monkey bars, or anything with which a particularly daring child could launch an aerial attack. The ideal situation is fighting children who are trapped in a ditch below you.
Stay mobile. Unless you’re extremely lucky and find yourself fighting twenty infants, you’re going to be at a mobility disadvantage when fighting a large group of children. You must avoid becoming surrounded at all costs. Keep moving, and always trying to position the bulk of children on one side of you. Circle, sidestep, and use tactical retreats to try and engage a single child at a time, where your reach and decades of muscular development should prove an advantage.
Speed. You want this fight to be over fast. Children have boundless amounts of energy, and you’ll tire quickly as the fight progresses. If you schedule your fights with twenty children in advance for some reason, I urge you to focus your pre-training regimen on cardiovascular conditioning and snorting eye-wateringly large amounts of cocaine.
Intimidation. Although I don’t expect you to be intimidated by the prospect of fighting twenty children - given the self-confidence that comes with maturity - remember that intimidation is a two way street. Twenty is a big number, and if that many children lose their fear of you, watch out. Use fierce roars and displays of strength to frighten the children. When taunting, remember that children are almost comically stupid, and won’t understand any of your more creative taunts. You won’t intimidate anyone if you have to explain three times specifically what you did to their mother last night.
Go for the leader first. Assuming the twenty children lack military training, they’re going to behave more like a pack of animals than a cohesive group. By default, pack animals will defer to an alpha leader, and if you manage to subdue that child, the rest of the pack will quickly lose their will to fight. In some cases the leader will be actively giving orders and therefore easy to identify. Other times they’ll be harder to pick out. In those cases, go for the tallest one, or the one with the most Pokemon on their clothing. Once the alpha child is lying in a heap, you’ve got a narrow window of intimidation open while the children regroup. I’d recommend lifting his body over your head and screaming yourself hoarse. That’s the smart veteran move.
Groin attacks. In general the crotch is a small, easily defensible target, and not typically a factor in most fights at a reasonably professional level. That said, when children are attacked by an adult, they’re rarely going to respond professionally. Again, if you have forewarning that you’ll soon be coming to blows with twenty children, absolutely wear a cup. If you do get struck in the groin, under no circumstances should you place your hand on your genitals to massage away the pain - touching your privates while surrounded by minors is illegal in many states, and frowned upon in the rest.
Weapons. I’d suggest refraining from using weapons, and not just because of the harsh mandatory minimum sentencing laws that are a sad reality in this modern age. By bringing a weapon you might prompt the children to bring weapons as well. This kind of escalation plays against you. Whereas before you could fairly safely absorb several dozen tiny little punches before being incapacitated, you’re now at risk of being dropped with a single lucky strike. If a child with a pair of safety scissors gets at your Achilles tendon (the groin of the ankle) then you’re cooked buddy.
Let the last one walk away. In Professional Twenty-Child-Fighting Leagues this is now tradition, but even during raw, underground twenty child street-fights it serves an important purpose. By letting that child spread word of your great strength and not-to-be-fucked-withedness amongst the other children of the area, you can ensure that it will be a long time indeed before someone else mewls at you that you’re hogging the swings.
Last 5 posts by Chris Bucholz
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November 13th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
Wow thnx, I’m not jking about what I’m about to say, but I really needed to know how… I’ll try it next time and i’ll come to note the article
October 18th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
LOL, I have in fact first hand experience in this situation, I was 17 pitted against 15 kids around the ages of 13 and 14 that had challenged me. My personal picks are definitely go for the leader/biggest one, make an example of at least one, and definitely stay mobile! In my case the biggest fat kid (he was huge for his age, easily 250 pounds) sat on me, rendering me for a while unable to defend myself against an onslaught of dead arms/legs. Keep in mind I was 6ft3, 200 pounds.
Disclaimer: no kids were hospitalised, and no hits to the face or stomach were allowed, just dead arms and legs
October 15th, 2008 at 2:43 am
[...] Artículo original | Cracked - How to fight 20 children [...]
October 6th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
Oh my god! This is the funniest thing I’ve ever read!
October 5th, 2008 at 12:58 am
very funny i cried. ill use that next time i fight 20 kids ill remember this lesson.
September 28th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
A bit too late for me, but are there any help groups for adults that got beat up by 20 (or less) children? Thanks, appreciate it. Gotta hide now, i hear them children again.
September 24th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
ive coulda used this info in like thrid grade.. gosh you had to write this all late. have you ever thought that you could just run away or give them candy? your so violent lol
September 20th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
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September 19th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
lmfao xD
September 19th, 2008 at 7:34 am
poker gifts bonus bankroll…
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September 9th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
This is BS. A total rip off of the Book of manliness. Complete word for word i am almost sure of it. Fucking Gay
September 9th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
..dang i could have used this as counselor at camp last year…
September 8th, 2008 at 9:54 am
[...] right at us, wasn’t a terrifying image. Thankfully, the folks over at Cracked.com have a handy tip guide for all of us “just in case” the inevitable happens — and you know it [...]
September 6th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Quite hilarious, and yet beautifully useful in clearing my stoop off. What is it with the tiny teeth everywhere? Legitimately everywhere.
It’d be lovely if you continued and did some form of how to fight ____ follow up. Like taking on ten squirrels or a dozen penguins, you know, useful information.
September 6th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
[...] a lot of thought into the burning question of “how many kids can you fight”. I mean, this blog entry is real, next-level [...]
September 6th, 2008 at 11:55 am
right, so how did your find out my address and place of work?
September 6th, 2008 at 1:52 am
i am 7 yrs old
dis is a warning to all people reading dis post
the name of u people and the address and also the workplace has been forwarded to my minions all around the world
when u walk outside one day, mark my words more then 20 of my followers will attack you
fear me
for i am powerful
KID
September 4th, 2008 at 10:24 am
man wtf hahahaha
September 4th, 2008 at 6:20 am
photoshopped
September 3rd, 2008 at 7:52 pm
You do realize what you do is say the word “poopie” a couple times, and while they’re cracking up you proceed to wail on them.
September 3rd, 2008 at 3:56 pm
[...] now i found this guide on how to handle groups of angry children in a fight. It’s really funny, and so true. Some [...]
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:59 am
I was writing an article how a child could take out 20 grownups, but this angle is all so much more realistic.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:40 pm
and i think that the website that tells you how many children you could take is flawed because mine said i could only take 28
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:36 pm
you left out the fact that even when you don’t come to the fight with a weapon that the child itself could be used as some sort of human propelled projectile or just as a blunt weapon once subdued.
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Another piece of advice, dont be afraid to fight dirty. Whenever I’m fighting (children or adults) I do anything I can to win, eye poking, biting, leg sweeps (very effective on children due to their poor balance), hitting them when they are down and the like. The more pain you can inflict, the better.
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:41 am
I’m currently 3-12 in a amateur 20 child fighting league, after reading this article I’m confident of improving to atleast .500 before thanksgiving, thanks!
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:35 am
If the kids are retarded, THAT changes the whole dynamic. You can’t intimidate them; there will be no leader; kicking them in the groin will just make them more frantic; and you won’t be able to let the last one walk away. They’ll be like 20 energizer bunnies comin’ at yo’ ass.
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:31 am
Damn you, Morick!
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:30 am
no, make this guide really simple. Call michael jackson to help fight with you
September 1st, 2008 at 5:53 pm
no, make this guide really simple. Call michael jackson to help fight with you
August 29th, 2008 at 3:24 am
[...] read more | digg story [...]
August 27th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Also, in response to some other suggestions I find that knees can b driven into faces much more easily and it brings more satisfaction. Why kick them when you can knee their faces off,the blood and pained screams of their peers should be enough to startle them..If their is a clear leader I recommend taking him (or her) down in ONE hit, a solid straight punch to the face, or grabbing the hair of back of the head and knee thier face in. Once you have debilitated them in a SINGLE blow left the leader over your head and smash them down onto your knees, breaking them like Bane broke Batman. I recommend screaming your own name or a a glorifying remark “I WILL DESTROY YOU!” works well. Then make sure to flaunt the crumpled leaders’ body to the rest of the group and throw the lifeless form to the gound as disdainfully as you can muster. If this doesn’t take the fight out of the little bastards remember that elbow strikes counter biters and clampers and knees to the face allow you to maintain more balance and do much more damage than kicking. Although an occasionall straight kick (a squatting motion using the bottom of your foot to push them away) can help to break the uniformity and concentration. EXCELSIOR!
August 27th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Bill I am EXTREEMLY thankful for your suggestion. I struggle most with biters as they all also turn into clampers. It’s like trying to tear leaches loose..or fighting a swarm of the undead of horrifically small stature. I found that elbows to the base of the neck (although temporarily leaving your head and face vulnerable) do an excellent job of ending biting. All it takes is that broken neck sound once and they realize that biting is a poor tactic. Happy hunting!
August 27th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
i personally like putin my fist inside the kids mouth and pulling out the entrails of the lil fuckers once they see that and my hairy genitalia soaking blood they flee… fighting naked is always efective
August 27th, 2008 at 3:29 am
[...] Tarantino, should be on the list as well. And lets cap off with a potentially life-saving piece of combat advise! August 27, 2008 at 11:28 am by Asmodeane Category: [...]
August 26th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
I have lost several members of my family to roving bands of children. They were all elementary school teachers, they all died hideous deaths at the hands of first graders, and this information could have saved their lives!
August 26th, 2008 at 12:16 am
[...] read more | digg story Posted by troiee72 Filed in Uncategorized [...]
August 25th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
[...] read more | digg story [...]
August 25th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
[...] Cracked - How to win a fight against 20 children [...]
August 25th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Yes I agree you have to find one that is suitable for use as a weapon. look for one with sharp pointy elbows and knees
August 25th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Dude, you lost it at “Take out the leader first”. Wrong!
You grab the leader by the ankles and swing him around, using him as a club against the others.
He will scream and squeal like a child, which will terrify and demoralize the rest.
I consider this basic knowedge, and you failed the test.
August 25th, 2008 at 7:24 am
How to win a fight against twenty children…
I’m not going to ask why you’re fighting twenty children. That’s your own
business, although most reasons are as old as time itself:
1) They started it.
2) You flipped over the table while losing a Magic: The Gathering game, and
damaged sever…
August 24th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
[...] read more | digg story [...]
August 24th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Keep your back to a wall at all times.
When things get desperate, shout, “Santa wouldn’t LIKE this shit!”
Always works for me.
August 24th, 2008 at 11:18 am
The best thing to do is grab the smallest one and use it as a bludgeoning weapon.
August 24th, 2008 at 9:51 am
[...] read more | digg story Posted by adiccc51 Filed in Uncategorized [...]
August 24th, 2008 at 9:20 am
definitely photoshopped.
August 24th, 2008 at 9:19 am
Have a seat.
Some of my “associates” from “To Catch a Predator”
would give this kids a run for their money.
August 24th, 2008 at 9:17 am
Cocaine is dead as disco.
These kids like to snort rails of Ritalin,
and I’m the guy who can provide it!!
August 24th, 2008 at 9:15 am
I know what you mean about these roving
groups of kids. When they strike, they’re like wolverines.
Why do you think I did so many one-armed push ups?
You need to be in shape to clothesline a kid.
August 24th, 2008 at 9:10 am
[...] read more | digg story [...]
August 24th, 2008 at 7:59 am
Will these strategies work for a 14 year old? I mean i fight about 20 children everyday and lose… so i really wanna know if this would work for me.
August 24th, 2008 at 6:40 am
Being a 1st grade teacher I’m usually looking over my back all the time, with the exception of my own class due to proper brain washing techniques administered daily during calendar/circle time. But when out on the play ground child gangs are everywhere. Normally I would hang around the monkey bars, but after reading this, I’ll spend my time in the field and brave the balls while protecting my own. I’m so lucky I read this. Thank you so much. I think I’ll post this in my classroom on the walls so I can go over this gang bang style fighting and have these techniques fresh in my mind.
August 24th, 2008 at 6:11 am
[...] read more | digg story « They Are Not Kidding With That Kung Fu Panda (Pic) [...]
August 24th, 2008 at 6:07 am
that was one of the funniest things ive ever read.
August 23rd, 2008 at 10:55 pm
Two words. Pool Cue.
Save the enviroment and by my album.
August 23rd, 2008 at 8:35 pm
Amusingly enough these techniques will be effective if you find yourself attacked by any large group
August 23rd, 2008 at 10:32 am
… depends whether those kiddies come from London or not; if so they’re likely to be packing a submachinegun ~ so are best left alone
August 23rd, 2008 at 9:47 am
What , no recipes?
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Thanks, Cracked! Now I know! And Knowing is half the battle!
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:11 pm
yea what billy said
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Me and mi 19 bumkikn pals laff in yor fase if you think any of this will help you we have been traning and welcom allcumers. p.s. leting little jimmy go was a big mistake.
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:03 pm
With the growing escalation of violent children caused by rampant angry fucking (its been proven that the emotions during conception pass on to the child) and religion being proven wrong at a staggering rate, morality becomes an issue.
In the not so distant future children may cause a total collapse in society. If you have children, beat them if they misbehave. This also plays a part, since too many stupid fucking parents wont hit their kids, and are too lazy to teach them any better.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:15 pm
easy peasy. throw broccoli at them. then make the stunned, frightened ones eat them.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:24 am
[...] read more | digg story Posted in Uncategorized. [...]
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:19 am
This information is already covered in most Teacher Handbooks.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:48 am
[...] read more | digg story [...]
August 21st, 2008 at 10:44 pm
This is really epic, love it.
August 21st, 2008 at 10:37 pm
[...] I can’t think of a better title than the one below this one. Filed under: Uncategorized — cutelilgaara @ 3:37 am How to win a fight against twenty children [...]
August 21st, 2008 at 10:15 pm
You have inspired me to wear a cup everywhere I go, so I may no be caught unaware by TWENTY CHILDREN, and that’s from a girl. I don’t even need a cup, but I trust your instinct on this.
I’d also suggest a certain bit of parting sign language to the child allowed to leave relatively unscathed; the classic two fingers pointing at your eyes, and then at him. To close, continue watching him, without moving as he runs away. Do not stop until he can no longer see you.
Your legend will live on.
August 21st, 2008 at 9:16 pm
You, sir, have a sparkling personality.
August 21st, 2008 at 8:03 pm
Best article I’ve ever read.
As with what timsgm said, you really do need earplugs. My 5-year-old cousin shrieked so loud and so shrill that, I kid you not, a glacier calved from over 300 feet away. Either bring the earplugs or make sure you punch the little girls in the throat. No mercy for female children!
August 21st, 2008 at 3:35 pm
The right costume can make all the difference:
Serve the 20-child beat-down dressed up as a Carebear, or even Santa Claus.
August 21st, 2008 at 3:18 pm
I would also like a way to combat the horrific shrieking that little girls like to do, I would say ear plugs but then you can’t hear the little brats sneaking up on you
August 21st, 2008 at 2:19 pm
A lighter and a can of deoderant/lighter fluid held inches outwards from the hands creates a realistic kame hame fireball.
Also, if you go down, those little fuckers go down with you.
August 21st, 2008 at 2:18 pm
I mean i they punch us in the boob, as children are wont to do, we’re gonna go down and there’s no such thing as a breast cup.
you could get one of those Madonna type bras from the 80’s
August 21st, 2008 at 2:12 pm
One of the pictures features a man using the kame hame ha manuever on a child. Is there any way we can learn how to do that? It looks very effective in the Dragonball z cartoons…
August 21st, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Okay this actually happens… maybe its just my luck. A couple years ago I was on my way to a Halloween party dressed as a 6 foot piece of cheese and I kid you not I was attacked by around 15 children. After one of them yelled “GET THE CHEESE!!!” 3 or 4 clusters of kids ran at me from different houses on the street and started attacking me. Luckily I ran for my life and my momentum overpowered them without causing any damage. Luckily cracked hadn’t published his guide or I could be facing some angry parents/jail time and stories of mythical cheese monsters may have taken their place in children’s folklore.
August 21st, 2008 at 11:15 am
[...] Haven’t posted here in a while, not sure if this is the right place to post. Move if necessary. How to win a fight against twenty children | Cracked.com I laughed so hard at [...]
August 21st, 2008 at 8:32 am
In other, but somewhat related news, when fighting a group of Cambodian wrestling league midgets, the best weapon is a lion. http://www.fmft.net/archives/BBC_NEWS.htm … Just wow.
August 21st, 2008 at 7:15 am
Dude, WTF!? But I kinda like randomness so thumbs up on stumbleupon anyways
August 21st, 2008 at 6:29 am
You know I guess you actually DO learn something everyday. It never occurred to me that I was missing some extremely vital information. I only have 3 grandchildren right now, so maybe I should use them as training. My guess is the 8 month old will be the easiest to beat, just have to watch out for that dreaded drool in the eye thing. Next time I’m at a playground though I will know what to do…bless you cracked.com
August 21st, 2008 at 1:27 am
This article neglects one thing, the tendency of children to throw rocks. Once they can see that they made you bleed with them, it’s all over.
August 21st, 2008 at 12:00 am
This article finally explains what I’ve been doing wrong. Wait until those little bastards try to mess with me next time.
August 20th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
Thing is this is actually pretty good general advice for fighting multiple opponents.
August 20th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
QUICKLY, CRACKED! TWENTY-ONE CHILDREN HAVE JUST JUMPED ME!!! NEED ADVICE NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!11111111
August 20th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
lmfao i love the part where its like “In Professional Twenty-Child-Fighting Leagues”
August 20th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
[...] Cracked.Com here: Go for the leader first. Assuming the twenty children lack military training, they’re going to [...]
August 20th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
Why beat children when you can rape them?
August 20th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Cherlindrea that is the best reply i’ve ever gotten.
And hell I’m gonna have to get me one of those
August 20th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
[...] forwarded this over Radio Free G-Industries. I peed myself, so hit the link for the [...]
August 20th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
[...] to win a fight this is a very useful guide, just incase you happen to be in that situation How to win a fight against twenty children | Cracked.com __________________ Big [...]
August 20th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
[...] alguna vez te tienes que enfrentar contra 20 niños, debes de leer este artículo sobre como ganar en una pelea contra 20 niños. [...]
August 20th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Wiglaf, you are correct. Unless, of course, you use the dreaded brussels sprouts/ lima beans/ soap ingested combo. Not as quick as garlic but much more colorful.
August 20th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Very good, grasshopper. Now you are ready for your greatest challenge.
http://www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com/
August 20th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Thank you for the critical information. I would never have thought of letting the last one go to spread the FEAR!!! Thanks for the tip!
August 20th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Tori, that’s just incorrect. Everybody knows that brussel sprouts and lima beans kill children. Oh, and soap…ingested soap. Wait. That only makes them go blind.
August 20th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Garlic kills vampires and children. I’m never without it.
August 20th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
while comprehensive on a fight with 20 children over one reason, this guide does not help me. If I get in a fight with 40+ children because they stole my woman and I THEN flip a table over, do the same rules apply? I’m sure I’m not the only person with this problem.
August 20th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Here’s a conversation a friend and I had on your article:
clokwork7orange3 (11:55:41 AM): ok, well i agreed with most everything that was said. my only thought was this…
clokwork7orange3 (11:56:28 AM): in the vast and extensive training that i’ve received for such occasions as this is what i think can be done differently.
clokwork7orange3 (11:58:26 AM): once you get to the point where you have singled out the leader and have beating them to the ground “you must make a show if this. Do some rather horrible things to this child”. Grab the beaten meat sack by its ankles and drag it from the bloodied earth. Begin to swing the swollen and damaged bone sack in the air.
clokwork7orange3 (11:59:36 AM): while your doing this ” now this is the important part” begin to hit the others with this festering vomit sack. In doing this not only have you set a president for visual intimidation, but you are now taking out others with this meaty weapon.
clokwork7orange3 (12:00:20 PM): now you tell me, does this not make for a much more effective and utilitarian intimidation display?
clokwork7orange3 (12:01:35 PM): i think the answer is clear
FrankDawg48 (1:01:51 PM): im with you on that on bruva
clokwork7orange3 (1:05:11 PM): as i thought you would be
FrankDawg48 (1:05:42 PM): indeed master baggins
FrankDawg48 (1:07:00 PM): i, however, am also of the opinion that a good “scare tactic” such as soiling one’s self to throw the enemy off guard and/or into hysterical laughter is a good way to get the upper hand on a crowd of juvenile delinquents
clokwork7orange3 (1:07:37 PM): i can see that working because of the age range we would be dealing with
FrankDawg48 (1:08:34 PM): correct
FrankDawg48 (1:10:55 PM): another “tactic” which would throw the enemy off guard and allow you to keep clean clothes and a portion of your well earned respect and dignity woudl be to throw out pottie humor words, such as “farts,” turdie nuggets” “butt chocolate” and “poopies” could also provide a different yet equally as powerful a diversion to said baddies
clokwork7orange3 (1:13:40 PM): i don’t know if i’m on board with you on that one. In the heat of the battle i’m not sure that effective humor would be timely enough or heard. I think the visual of the other one would be more effective. Having that said its not really my style, but i can see how it could work. I think that possibly candy thrown on the ground could work. It would be almost like throwing sand in a standard fight. both ways the opponent is blinded.
FrankDawg48 (1:15:55 PM): ah, your point is well spoken sir. an effective “candy throw” so to speak could blind the assailants that are struck in the orbital sockets and tempt the others to scour for confectionery treats rather than join in the battle. its all comes down to the “fight or flight” mentality
clokwork7orange3 (1:18:11 PM): yes, exactly
clokwork7orange3 (1:38:11 PM): i’ve got nothing
clokwork7orange3 (1:38:28 PM): hey it one of these fights is it a “keep what you kill” type thing?
FrankDawg48 (1:38:26 PM): as do i
FrankDawg48 (1:38:38 PM): i imagine so, yes
clokwork7orange3 (1:38:43 PM): its been a while since i’ve looked over the rules
FrankDawg48 (1:38:49 PM): right
clokwork7orange3 (1:38:53 PM): normally just do street rules.
FrankDawg48 (1:39:05 PM): indeed
clokwork7orange3 (1:39:13 PM): i say this because with how things are today those kids probably have more money on them then i do
clokwork7orange3 (1:39:19 PM): besides having psp’s and cellphones
FrankDawg48 (1:40:22 PM): agreed
FrankDawg48 (1:40:42 PM): which brings me to my next point
FrankDawg48 (1:42:33 PM): the threat of danger to said baddies technological entertainment devices (by either action or verbal threat - like pissing in their pockets where said technology resides or threatening to) could also be yet another alternative to use in decimating the bastard children of rich yuppie scum
clokwork7orange3 (1:44:44 PM): yes, and as satisfying as it would to destroy those symbols of yuppieizm i would rather collect them to use to my own ends. But thats just me. i can see just as easily destroying them for pure satisfaction.
FrankDawg48 (1:46:43 PM): indeed. im of the opinion of the old addage “to the victor go the spoils”. keeping said technology would indeed be a bigger slap to the proverbial face of said yuppie spawn, therefore adding insult to injury. what a delight
August 20th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
“…midgets are generally considered a sub-species”
hahahahahahaaa..
August 20th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
How many 5th graders can you beat up?
I got 28
http://www.balancemybrain.net/2007/12/15/forget-about-being-smarter-than-a-5th-grader/
August 20th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
You do not know how long I have been looking for this!!!
August 20th, 2008 at 11:59 am
With this helpful article, I can hog the swings, playground AND the MF sandbox!!!!!
My plans for neighborhood domination will be COMPLETE!!!!!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
August 20th, 2008 at 11:44 am
[...] on how to fend them off. However, after a little research, I am better prepared for the next time. How to win a fight against twenty children | Cracked.com __________________ Anything I say or post is opinion only and does not constitute proper medical [...]
August 20th, 2008 at 11:37 am
HAHHAHAHAHAHAA This is hilarious . . . I want to fight 20 kids now to test out what I learned. Maybe I’ll light a few Jonas Brothers albums on fire and see what kind of response I can spark up.
http://www.digitalfuntown.com/showpage.php?showid=6
August 20th, 2008 at 11:30 am
As a teacher, I find this article to be a wonderful teaching tool. I will definitely use it in gym class tomorrow. Those 5 year olds are evil bastards.
August 20th, 2008 at 10:38 am
This article is approximately 300,000 times more helpful and applicable to day-to-day life than any other article I have ever read, and ever will.
*begins cardiovascular training*
August 20th, 2008 at 10:10 am
That was so cute! Wish I had known this last week, maybe I could have broken up the mall gang fight.
http://www.harmatigirl.com
August 20th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Stolen or not, this article is a godsend. I can’t wait to re-type all of this into my iPhone Notes app, so I can bust this out for when I’m certainly in need of self-defense under 5′00″.
August 20th, 2008 at 9:58 am
[...] August 20, 2008 at 10:28 am · Filed under noticias Cómo ganar una pelea contra 20 niños. [...]
August 20th, 2008 at 9:49 am
Panzer-Stier Ross: You are an idiot. click the link dumb shit..that is the title of the original article.
Butholes is a plagarist.
August 20th, 2008 at 9:38 am
And if Bucholz did rip it off, it’s because robots are usually not that creative.
August 20th, 2008 at 9:38 am
I love how people think that just because this idea is similar to other ideas in other blogs, that it must have been ripped off from someone else. Hi, commentators, please realize that there are, oh, more than six fucking billion people in the world–meaning that there will be multiple people who think of the same idea independently.
August 20th, 2008 at 8:53 am
[...] 2. Как на давать по попке 20-ти малолеткам за раз. [...]
August 20th, 2008 at 8:27 am
I liked this better three years ago when it was original and funny.
August 20th, 2008 at 8:12 am
I don’t even want to know how you guys got the idea for this, how you have this experience, or why you feel the need to communicate it to others. Although I do feel much safer when I walk by playgrounds now.
August 20th, 2008 at 8:10 am
Now I am no longer afraid of elementary schools
August 20th, 2008 at 7:23 am
too late to read this
August 20th, 2008 at 6:43 am
Thank you!!!! I was jumped by 20+ small children 2 years go at the local Chuck-e-Cheese for hogging the Street fighter 2 turbo game……NEVER AGAIN!!!!
August 20th, 2008 at 4:57 am
hey man, nice article, but I read something similar a long time ago:
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2005/4/8schweiger.html
Any thoughts?
August 20th, 2008 at 4:16 am
This is the most thorough article I have ever read on a subject that would rarely come up in reality.
But if it does, Chris, you can know that you have educated dozens of people in the art of attacking small children.
August 20th, 2008 at 4:08 am
[...] twenty children. That’s your own business, although most reasons are as old as time itself:read more | digg [...]
August 20th, 2008 at 3:05 am
Time To break out the magic cards…..
August 20th, 2008 at 1:57 am
My response regarding midgets.
I was browsing over Cracked.com, perhaps the greatest website ever, when I happened upon this article. It is an article detailing how to win a fight against twenty children (duh). I found it helpful and now know how to properly dispose of my nephews should the need ever arise (which it does about once a day.) However, reading the comments on the article, I realized that children aren’t really the threat, midgets are. And an article as to how to defeat twenty midgets was called for.
Children can easily be subdue by dropping certain pills (say Valium) into their sippy cups or traumatized by telling them Tinky Winky (the homosexual teletubby) has been thrown off a cliff by fundamentalist Christians. There is no need for violence there. However, midgets are a different story. They are vicious adults trapped inside the bodies of children. You see them everywhere, in circus, at strip clubs, and at Toys R’ Us pretending to be the cute little children that they are not. They have even infiltrated our movie industry. And I for one have had enough! It is only a matter of time before there is a midget apocalypse and you find yourself having to stave of twenty midgets at a time on a day-to-day basis. Here are some useful advice on just that.
1. Prepare yourself mentally and physically. They may approach you pretending to be children but remember most children don’t have beards, boobs, or a unicycle. You may need to create flashcards and playing the game ‘Midget or Child’ in order to learn how to decipher the difference. And while playing the game you may need to practice standing. Because once they get you on your knees or back, you may be raped with a balloon dog or beaten to a bloody pulp depending on their mood.
2. Cannibalism. Well, it’s not really cannibalism when midgets are generally considered a sub-species. And besides they are probably eating your aborted fetuses for nourishment. And what better way to strike fear into their hearts than to be seen roasting a whole midget over a campfire? Cap the meal off with a Dr. Pepper and s’mores and you’re good to go.
3. Play dirty. Unlike fighting with children, yo’ momma jokes are quite effective with midgets as are jokes about their minuscule penis. Nothing gets them more riled up then insinuations about their masculinity or mothers. Also a bowling ball might prove effective as they are somewhat like pins especially if they have you trapped in an alley.
4. If all else fails, run. But don’t climb up in a tree. Midgets despite their stumpy legs are excellent climbers. And avoid small cars such as bugs and hybrids, chances are the owners are midgets themselves or are midget sympathizers. And no, you are not a coward for running, we all know how ferocious midgets can be. It is only a matter of time before they take over the world. But hopefully, this article will be vital to staving off midget takeover.
I wish you luck my friend in all midget fighting endeavors. And remember to stand TALL.
This article by Yen does not represent the views of Yen Huynh, Cracked.com, or Verne Troyer. And none of the three will accept responsibility for injured or eaten midgets (especially Yen and her broke ass).
August 20th, 2008 at 1:32 am
isn’t this a bit too close to this :
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=beat
only less funny?
August 20th, 2008 at 1:24 am
So.. how about an article on correctly lynching niggers…
August 20th, 2008 at 12:41 am
I’m waiting for the “How to molest twenty children without being caught”.
Thanks in advance.
August 20th, 2008 at 12:39 am
[...] Link - Cracked.com [...]
August 20th, 2008 at 12:21 am
How about putting on my mountain climbing boots… kicking all those little fuckers to death…then send their suddenly saddened, trailer-living, welfare scamming, banjo-tuning, teeth carving, but not enough to discontinue breeding ‘parents’
a FREE eCard from http://www.NeilsNotes.com such as:
http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=30&sku=E-CD00296
Little bastards!
August 20th, 2008 at 12:06 am
I’ll try to create a war between two bands of 20 children. i’d give them weapons, helmets and rollers. Worst than WW3. Think about it.
August 20th, 2008 at 12:05 am
Wendy, G. Gordon Liddy already covered that: “go for a head shot”. Oh, wait. He was talking about how to deal with the gorram Feds.
August 20th, 2008 at 12:00 am
can you give children advice on how to fight someone who knows how to fight 20 children?
August 19th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
Screw the laws. Bring an AK-47. Make sure to set it for single fire so that you have to use a “one shot, one kill” approach. If you do run out of ammo, the stock will allow you to bash their bratty little skulls in. Remember: CHILDREN ARE TO BE EATEN AND NOT HEARD!
August 19th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
And what if I have to fight against teenagers? Somebody help me, those punks know where I live.
August 19th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
It’s about time someone writes something useful on this website. Now that stupid “Lolly pop gang” is not going to tell me where I can and cannot buy ice cream!!!
August 19th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
take their candy .. crying kids fight recklessly and can easily be overcome.
Funny topic!!!
August 19th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
[...] Cómo ganar una pelea contra 20 niños, uno nunca sabe. Vía Menéame. [...]
August 19th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Hilarious! Thank you for this. I am a teacher so this could come in handy when they decide to revolt!
August 19th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
What’s next? Ripping off Ron and Fez with how to beat up a baby animal?
Ron and Fez, Noon to 3.
Sirius(whisper)xm 202.
lingnaneriaoand logneraiaobiandfk
August 19th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
“Maybe if you bring a Grandmother?” hahahahaha!
August 19th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
are u fracking serious?? okeeeei… O_________________O!!!!
August 19th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
The most important thing to know is that unless you’re in an organized, sanctioned Child Fighting bout, your goal is to survive. Do not hold prisoners and don’t believe in rules. you can poke out an eye and stop a child dead in it’s tracks long enough t come back to it. you can stop their Baby Gap shoes and get them off of you. Pushing works great, they often start crying and then you have the psychological edge, keeping them off balance not unlike the taunting that Rocky did to Ivan Drago in Rocky IV. Don’t keep to honor here, it’s you or them, and you don’t get points for being a nice guy, only a body bag. Also, keep your footing. Kick above the knee only when you are completely free. One great looking axe kick could cost you the fight if an opportunistic 3rd grader can kick out your other knee while your doing your Chow Yung Fat impression. Your goal is to win. You keep your center low, you deal with them, and you ignore the pain. Soon, they will be your enemy no more.
August 19th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
lol, this article is funny. But like in Hostel the movie, gangster are killed by a bunch of kids with baseball bat.
August 19th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
best way to defeat them quickly is to pick up one child by the feet and swing that one around, taking out the others with the kid you are swinging like a medieval flail or mace.
August 19th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
That’s right you little bastards! “oh I’m little and under protection from abuse by the law.” Well those peices of crap are gonna get owned! kids are creepy anyways.
August 19th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
It is only fair that a counter article is written for the 20 children. How else will they learn such vital techniques as the “Leopard Paw of Testicular Death”?
August 19th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Man I thought this article was useless. That is until I was confronted by a street gang of children on my way home.
August 19th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
“the brood”= more to battle.
August 19th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
Excelente pelicula, ninos de mierda xD
August 19th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Were you watching David Cronenberg’s 1979 film “The Brood” when you wrote this? Because with a guide like this, Oliver Reed’s character might have been able to survive. Truly a shame.
August 19th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
FIRE!!!!
August 19th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
flourecent green paint and a lighter is just plain fun!
August 19th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
So true with attacking the alpha leader first up. Kids up til around 16 are disorganised and have a peer pressure mentality where they will do stupid things, like attacking an armed adult without fear or regard for consequences.
Defend yourself first from being swamped, try to get to the leader, and once you have them, focus your attention on the leader. Stun, disable and finish in 3 quick shots if you can (this is where some good martial arts training will really help).
Once finished, get the leader to bleed (if you are good, you can usually produce blood in the finishing move anyway - anywhere in the face is usually good), smearing their blood on yourself and letting out a bloodlust scream will usually take all the fight out of most kids, and most will probably run away.
Also, you don’t want to do too many small hits before this, as being hit without disabling them most kids will find renewed strength and willingness to fight. Usually with groups larger than 6, there may also be other sub leaders. When taking the leader hostage (usually possible after the stun or disable shot), this should become apparent, as 2-3 other kids will try to rally and take over. Target these kids (after the blood smear and taunt) before they can rally together the others.
When most people see controled aggression followed by a loud noise and blood, they will usually lose all confidence/morale. After this, it’s just a clean up operation, and you can have some fun with the few kids stupid or scared enough to hang around.
Happy hunting.
August 19th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
a lighter and any arosol can i tell you! it works!
August 19th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
great article
August 19th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Thanks for the info, greatly appreciated. Brings to mind a scene from Quien puede matar un nino? / Who could kill a child?, a Spanish 70’s horror classic. Link below. Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7YwkrQYSu4
August 19th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
I can’t wait to try this out when it gets dark!
I will start on the biggest gang I can find.
I am ready to go, thanks for the advice.
They always call me geeky skinny short guy.
Now they will see.
August 19th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
As a keeper of four $*&# kids, I needed this advice years ago!! They never tell you that all those cute babies will give you a stint in rehab. Somewhere in the great beyond my Sainted Mother is laughing her ass off.
August 19th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
As always, your insight is as valuable as the finest gold… during my next underground twenty-child team street fight (I too, being a girl, should probably have backup), I’ll have all the tools I need at my disposal now! As I’m sure you’ve heard, knowing is half the battle!
Buy your copy today, for just 16 easy installments of $19.95! All major credit cards accepted! Call now and you’ll get FREE a second copy with which you can soundly beat the last few children around the head and shoulders area! Don’t wait; call today!
August 19th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
Hmm… i’m living in the middle ages with a halberd with 100 kids attacking me in full armor but un-armed. I’m in an open field. Milady’s honor is at stake… what should i do?
August 19th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
wwcff / world wide child fighting federation, lets talk to Ted Turner!
August 19th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
i got the camera!!!!
August 19th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
I’ll fight 20 children right now!
August 19th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
i wonder if bug spray would help. . . . . .
August 19th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Took the quiz and I could take on 26 little ones.
Now the moral dilemma of going out to find 26 kid to beat all kinds of hell out of with my new knowledge.
Or leave my doors and windows barricaded, safe from the roving bands of feral child that hunt on my street.
August 19th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
i like to use hairspay and a lighter, it works good on gremlins/fiberglass insulation too!
August 19th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
[...] Como pelear contra 20 niños …escrito por wolfius. Si alguna vez han estado en una situación tan bizarra e infortunada como estar peleando con 20 niños, o quieren estar preparados para cuando les suceda, la gente de Cracked nos explica Como ganar una pelea contra 20 niños. [...]
August 19th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
I think I just broke my moral compass. But you know, when fighting children, I don’t think I’ll need it. No remorse, and I won’t feel bad about sneaking in a bat.
August 19th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
…I totally wanna kick some ass now…
August 19th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
I have a big digg
August 19th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
trolling arround and smoking big joints.
August 19th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
Kids never fights crazy peepz because they know we don’t have any fear we just want blood.
I love violence anf if i have to kill a kid i’ll do and then i’ll eat he corpse.
I want a world war so we can kill everyone.
I also like to read.
August 19th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
This will be helpful because I was given an invitation.. No, a demand to go fight twenty of them at once this coming Monday, the thing I fear is the fight isn’t sanctioned & these kids have been known to bring weapons of all sorts..Like broom sticks.
August 19th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Bucholz, just how high were you when you thought up this piece?
August 19th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
You people jest, but the threat is very real in some third world countries.
A couple more quick pointers: Throwing a handful of loose change at them will cause dissarray and infighting as they scramble for the coins, giving you a chance to pick off a few of the weaker ones while they have their backs to you. Also, do not be afraid to stoop to their level and quickly scoop up a handful of sand or dirt and fling it into their beady little eyes. A short, blind opponent is much easier to kick in the face.
August 19th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Pretty good info if you don’t have a flamethrower. Unnecessary if you do. Just get a flamethrower, ya doofus.
August 19th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Como ganar una pelea contra 20 niños (ING)…
Un util instructivo de como derrotar a una veintena de infantes al mismo tiempo en caso de ser atacado por ellos por alguna de estas razones. Visto en Meneame. Ellos empezaron. Tiraste la mesa durante un juego de Magic. Te robaron a tu mujer. Tu te rob…
August 19th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
2 more techniques:
Choose a terrain with a narrow opening so that numbers mean nothing.
If surrounded- grab the smallest kid and swing a 360 motion. Then throw into the thickest part of the crowd to create a domino effect.
Noneffective underwater.
August 19th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
I hope next one is “how to fight 20 really old men” or “how to fight 30 blind women”…
August 19th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
I was always one of those people who thought “No way, that could never happen to me,” but then when I did get attacked 20-some-odd kindergarteners (for bogarting all the Juicy Juice) I was fortunate enough to have a printed copy of this early-age combat manual on me; thanks, Bucholz
August 19th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
This article would have been helpful 10 years ago when I was a puppeteer. The most children I’ve ever had to take on at once was 12 kids (ages 7-12) while I was wearing an 8 foot tall purple monster puppet.
And my favorite technique was what I called the “grab and squeeze.” You grab their little wrists and squeeze until you can feel the two forearm bones grind together. It usually doesn’t leave a mark.
@ del: Jesus, dude — are you a puppeteer?
August 19th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
[...] Cómo ganar una pelea contra 20 niños, uno nunca sabe. Vía Menéame. ← Anterior | Inicio Comparte esta anotación Imprimir [...]
August 19th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
Very humoristic!
August 19th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
This is old, who did you steal this from, I remember this from high school which for me was in the mid 80s
get a life poser
August 19th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Man, you should’ve told KRAMER that!
He got beaten up by 20 children at the karate class episode.
Very handy article for those who live in a Seinfeld-like world.
OR, you could just offer them pie & ice cream, that should cover it.
August 19th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Dude, finally someone that understand me!
Once, I was doing a volunteer work at a day-care center (a lowsy work, I must add, ’cause I was like 17 y.o. and knew nothing about kids).
Than, at some point, I had this DUMB DUMB idea of sitting to talk to one of them in the middle of the classroom. WORST MISTAKE EVER!!! Every little kid is a Spartan disguised (or a Zerg minion, from Starcraft, if you prefer)! I’ll never in my life make the mistake of putting myself again in the reach of those tiny arms!
Be careful, I’m warning you!
August 19th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Wow, I took the quiz and I am happy to say that I could take 21 five year olds on, and after reading this atricle I was afraid for my life that I would only be able to take 4 at the most. I have 4 boys , so I know I could take at least that many (years of experience, ya know). I feel much better about roaming around playgrounds after dark, and all the other creepy things I do on a regular basis! Thanks Cracked! You may have saved my life!
August 19th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
[...] Who hasn’t found themselves in a 1 on 20 fight with 1st graders? Well now here’s some helpful advice for when it inevitably happens [...]
August 19th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Between this and Swaim’s dog-raping exploits, I feel dirty.
. . . That’s really all I can say about this one.
August 19th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Everyone is missing the point here, it says not to bring weapons but the child itself becomes the weapon and here is how: more than likely these kids are smart enough to form a circle attack if they don’t then you could easily pummel them one on one all day. So if you have a circle attack grab the tallest child by the feet and just start spinning. This will turn that first kid into a mace like weapon with his head as the blunt object as you spin move towards the edge of the circle and make light work of the young jerks!
August 19th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
C-murder, if you want a realistic description on how to beat up kids you’re a sad sick fuck.
August 19th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Hey how do you keep kids from playing on your front yard?
.>>
You molest them ha ha ha ha
August 19th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
When I was 15 I had a crazy friend named Jimbo. He would just do random, crazy shit that was (sometimes) hilarious. I’ll never forget one time we pulled into a mall and he was driving his mom’s car. Both of us had learner’s permits. He pulls the car up real slow next to a group of about 15-20 kids skateboarding on the sidewalk. He rolls down his window and takes off his sunglasses. He looks around at all the kids and then says: “Five bucks a head. All you against me.” The look on these kid’s faces was priceless. You could tell them some of them were doing the math. Others turned white and looked like they were going to shit their pants. One of them finally said: “No way you fucking psycho!”. As we drove off we were laughing so hard we were rolling. I looked back and saw all the kids talking to each other and some grabbed their boards and took off. You had to have been there to appreciate it. One of the funniest goddamn things I’ve ever seen in my life.
August 19th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
that was freakin’ hilarious… My wife was curious what I was laughing so hard over and when she saw it, she couldn’t believe it. Classic….
August 19th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
I’ll tell you where he got the inspiration for this piece…off of this guy Matt Schweiger.
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2005/4/8schweiger.html
This is THE Realistic Assessment of How Many 12-yr Olds I Could Overtake Before They Overtake Me.
Amateur.
August 19th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
this’ll be helpful if im in an elementary school at the time of a zombie attack
August 19th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
Speaking from sad experience your advice to stay mobile may in fact be your undoing. Although a fluid motion promotes efficient kid combat it leaves you open to distraction. Don’t forget, they do, and will, cry. I really advise getting your back against a wall and trying to take them one on one if possible. I got 27 on the test link as well, which is BS because I know I can’t handle three. And yes, do not bring a weapon! They will find it and turn it against you. Maybe if you bring a grandmother? Then again that will likely just add experience to the kids side.
August 19th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
This reminds me of Pineapple Express
August 19th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
i just do what i always do when surrounded
shit on my hands then show it to them
while they’re freaking, attack
if you can get any on them, they drop their guard then you have a decent chance
but I dunno, kids might reverse the strategy on me, then i’ll be covered in shit
but if somebody makes a video of it, that might be cool
fame is fame, right?
August 19th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
This is hilarious! But true! - This probably sounds like one of those things that could never really happen, and is really left mostly to jest. But believe me, it can happen. My husband and I were at a kid’s 4th birthday party recently, and my husband was chasing and goofing around with the kids. There were about 6 of them, and they seriously attacked him! They wrestled him to the ground and then began jumping on his belly, groin and - well, you can guess where else! One of them even put a napkin over his face, and began pounding his nose! Trying to be a good parental role model, of course he tried to be ‘gentle’ in getting them to stop beating him.. but he took a lickin’ before their parents realize they were seriously hurting him!
August 19th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Way to lift an old Ron and Fez bit.
Ron and Fez - noon to 3.
XM 202
August 19th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
I would suggest picking up one of the taller, skinner kids and using him as a blunt object. This technique will give you the advantage of having a weapon, and will work as an intimidation technique.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Related to the weapons argument, it’s important that you keep any advantages fair to both sides. For instance, if the children are allowed to ride dogs and have sticks, then you should be allowed to breathe fire.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
I was working with groups of 20 kids all summer long. This article could have saved me a lot of grief it I read it sooner.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
I have a very large family, and I’m a very large guy, that can act extremely immature. This invariably means that all the small kids like to play and/or attack me. I have actually used many of these same skills when fighting children. Especially, the one about always moving. It works. I’ve never faced twenty, but ten is a definitely a number I’ve had to deal with.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
You may find that clown suits scare some of the children… the only problem is that the rest will occasionally turn into a ravenous pack of lethal todlers. You can also carry a copy of the “Elefun the Elephant” game or maybe a kaleidoscope or lava lamp to entrance them… thats where the RPG’s come in. Aim for the center of the pack for the most damage.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
You forgot to mention one very important thing. Little children love to bite and bite hard they can. I suggest a swift Donkey punch to the top of the head to shake those little fuckers loose.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
That was really, really funny.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
[...] a doubt in your mind, if you even paused to answer the previous question, then you nned to read the fallowing artical. read it anyway becase its [...]
August 19th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
YES!
I CAN BEAT UP MY 6 YOUNGER BROTHERS NOW
(they always pile against me)
August 19th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
And for those of you that don’t know, Gaol is Australian for Jail.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Thanks so much! After reading this article, I was, in fact swarmed by 20 children. THANKS, CRACKED.COM!
August 19th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Maddox the Pirate would be so proud of this article.
August 19th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Hilarious
August 19th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
It tells me 34, but I know from experience it’s more like 50.
August 19th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I can take exactly 20, but I took the quiz honestly it seems.
August 19th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
LOL, easy. Just make your you have a 21 round clip (in case you miss one) LOL.
RT
http://www.Privacy-Center.net
August 19th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
@mrpez
Oh yeah? I can take on 36.
August 19th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
I just bring an iron pipe to my fights. let them encircle you, and just spin around with the pipe at their eye level.
August 19th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
James Ballard, according to your website I can take on 27 five year olds!
August 19th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
I wish I’d had the weapons tip last month, I grabbed a pole to fend them off and I was forced into what was basically a sword fight, I barely made it out alive.
August 19th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Awesome. I’ll be sure to reference this when I go to the playground in my ‘Neo’ gear.
August 19th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Noodlepie54, of course there’s such a thing as a breast cup. It’s called an iron brassiere. That will teach the little bastards a lesson if they take a boob-shot.
August 19th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Chemical warfare has always worked best for me. Threaten to infect them with cooties (non-directly of course).
August 19th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
If the your five-year-old beating club comes to, all you have to do is give them a good hard shove into the crowd, distracting not only your weapon but at least 5-6 others. I think Neil’s idea is the only thing I could remeber in a swarm.
August 19th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Thank you so much. Now I guess I am ready to take on the 10 lil fuckers who challenged me last month.
August 19th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Neil, assumptions are dangerous to make. What if your weapon comes to and begins to thrash and distract you while the munchkins begin kicking your ankles, timbering you and then beating you to death with their tiny fury? Only weapons that either never had, or no longer have sentience for me, thank you.
August 19th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
I always assumed the best strategy was to take out the nearest one first and then use his body to beat on the others.
August 19th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Maddox is that you? I recognise this style of writing, very funny.
August 19th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
eat it, 5 year olds
August 19th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
If you want to fight a gang of armed kids come to Scotland, we have tons of them in Glasgow.
We had a 5 year old carjacker not that long ago.
August 19th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
I am in mid session of my training. cocaine is a hel of a drug.
all those kids at the park are gonna be in trouble. i swear their in a gang.
August 19th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Here I come, Margaret, and I’m taking my pride back, too!
August 19th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Nah, Ross, 20 midgets is a whole different ball game. They may be small, but they still have human minds, unlike children.
If some of you think this is a humour article, check out that link I posted above. The Little Threat is very real!
August 19th, 2008 at 11:58 am
This very thing happened to me last week. I told them they had to go to time out and then I pick them off one by one! Kids are so stupid!
August 19th, 2008 at 11:55 am
If you want to find out how many you could take, go here: