Continuing the grand, almost two week old tradition of inventing interesting facts about whichever country is a year older that particular day, to celebrate Bastille Day, here are several interesting facts about France that you will be shocked to find out are all true, providing you agree to do no research on the subject yourself. And be sure to check back in a couple weeks time for our salute to Turkmenistan’s Melon Day.
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1) Inventions: France is the birthplace of the Tour de France.
2) Cooking: French cooking is known for being exceedingly old fashioned, and makes little use of modern super-ingredients like Ms. Dash or Chipotle Mayo.
3) Relations to the English: Across the ages, the French have fought the English, ruled the English, forgot about the English, fought more with the English, and finally ended up as close friends with the English. If you’ll allow me to use a neo-neo-neo-classical allegory, they are the Ross and Rachel of Europe. (The English are Ross.)
4) Headwear: The beret was invented in the 1880’s by a Frenchman to keep his head warm while he was riding his bicycle and wearing a stripey shirt. For this reason in American culture the beret is regarded warily - it also forever being attached to that one Prince song (I Would Die 4 U) and for those 4 months when Samuel L. Jackson was into them. But also recall that berets are worn in great numbers by military men, which as a rule, are a group that doesn’t take much shit from Cracked bloggers. So as I was saying, berets are fine hats.
5) Military History: In popular culture, the French military is widely remembered as getting beaten like a red-headed stepchild in two out of two World Wars. But that’s being a little unfair to France, because anyone that spawns that close to the Germans twice in a row is a bit unlucky.
6) Not theirs: Jean Claude Van Damme is not French, and is not their responsibility.
7) Relations to America: As most people understand it, the American Revolution was won when British General Reginald Fancydan was killed on top of Mount Rushmore by Mel Gibson and a Harley motorcycle. However, this ignores the contributions of the French, who supported the Americans during the Revolutionary War. In fact, the final act of the war occurred when the French built the Statue of Liberty, delivered it to the gates of America and tricked the British into taking it inside, at which point the French troops concealed within poured out and won America. If you go to Ellis island today, be sure to find the commemorative plaque reading “To the Lady that had One Hundred and Fifty Frenchmen up in her: Our Nation is Forever Grateful.” I’m told it’s hard to find.
8 ) Wine: The French didn’t invent wine - that probably happened one night thousands of years earlier in a cave when an idiot ate some old stepped on grapes, got into two fist fights, then declared he “could fuck up a leopard.” (Karaoke was invented in similar circumstances later that week.) But in present times, the French are definitely known for both the quality of their wine, and their liberal attitudes towards it’s consumption, as evidenced by their national motto: “Liberté, Equalité, Fraternité” (loosely: “Let’s drink wine right now brothers.”)
9) Work Life: The French have a legendarily short work week, with the average Frenchman working only 35 hours a week. On top of that is the 6-8 weeks of vacation they get every year. And when you add on the 14 national holidays and two weeks of mandatory annual labor unrest, the typical Frenchman works 23 minutes each year. This is why the phrase “Industrious as a Frenchman” has fallen out of common usage.
10) Metric System: France is the birthplace of the Metric system, which unlike the French, actually works.
11) Iraq: France famously opposed the 2003 Iraq War, because in their words “Iraq? What are you crazy?”
12) Nuclear Power: France has invested hugely in nuclear power, both for civilian energy production and in terms of military weapons. With over 300 warheads, France is the world’s third largest nuclear power, a stunning fact when you consider that they still don’t get respect from anyone.
13) Ancestors: The ancestors of the French were the Gauls, most famously depicted in the pages of the Asterix comic books. These comics told the story of a group of friendly and cheerful Gauls who got into all sorts of hilarious mishaps, and used the powers of homemade amphetamines to viciously brutalize any approaching Italians. These comics are very popular in France.
14) Eiffel Tower: The Eiffel Tower is probably the most famous symbol of France, and was originally constructed in 1889 to give a jump start to the French postcard industry.
15) Mascot: The national mascot of France is the skunk, to honor the annual French pastime of finding a cat that accidently got a white stripe painted on its back and then trying to have sex with it.
16) Architecture: In the 17th century, the French King Louis XIV (pronounced “chiv”) commissioned the building of Versailles, an enormous complex of mansions and parks, and probably the most opulent place ever conceived. Seriously, it makes whatever Puff Daddy is living in these days look like a place ducks go to shit.
Last 5 posts by Chris Bucholz
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July 31st, 2008 at 7:03 am
And also: pride is only offensive to the proud.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:02 am
Frenchfry: just for the flames, cite sources for that statement about polluting the landscape, you hypercharged blustery hyperbole wanker.
July 31st, 2008 at 6:57 am
ApologiesRequested: didn’t France save America’s ass during the Revolutionary War?
And when the topic of their military incompetence is always raised, I point them to the Battle of Tours in 732, without which probably the Moors would have dominated a larger part of Europe.
Frenchman: so, I failed in my attempt at being objective… damn, I thought being European would have given me an advantage.
July 28th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
from http://www.ericmargolis.com/archives/2003/03/france_is_right_and_the_us_owes_it_an_apology.php
France, many Americans claim, should do whatever Washington orders out of gratitude for US ‘saving’ it in two world wars. US TV features angry veterans standing in American military cemeteries in Normandy, denouncing France for ‘stabbing America in the back’ - as if invading Iraq to grab its oil and crushing Israel’s enemies had anything to do with World War II. I happen to be a US Army vet and member of the American Legion who thinks France is doing exactly the right thing.
Few flag-waving pundits mention America sat out almost 40% of WWII until attacked by Japan. In 1940, the German armed forces were the equivalent of the US armed forces today - a full military generation ahead of all other nations. France’s entire army was destroyed in battle by the invincible Germans; had the US fought Germany in 1940, it too would have been routed. The Soviet Union, not the US, defeated Germany, destroying over 100 Nazi divisions.
July 28th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
http://www.cracked.com/blog/2008/07/15/16-facts-about-france-of-dubious-verity/#comments
Hm…I love Cracked. I use to read it at summer camp in Vermont around 8 or so. Anyway, I felt insulted by your article, filled with hatred. I felt even more insulted by most of the comments here. Almost at the end, I thought “well this HAS to be some old google cache page from 2006 or something” - then I saw the last comments were 4 days old.
So I wonder, how could a “puny” little country, embattle the great Land of Freedom ?
Of course it doesn’t matter that we aided the Nordists vs racism in the civil war.
Of course it doesn’t matter that France all in all, won more military victories than US could in the next 1000 years probably.
Of course it doesn’t matter that France invented your biggest money maker : movies (wikipedia Frères Lumières).
Of course it doesn’t matter that in France, most French people actually work 50 hours a week (hum.. for a 35 hour pay - that’s the bolchevist catch fools!).
Of course it doesn’t matter French (Louis Paster) discovered vaccine againt the Plague.
Of course it doesn’t matter a 6th grade student is better in mathematics than some lazy beerfest pseudo-scientific phd at yale (more Fields medal than any).
Of course it doesn’t matter that France hosts the most feared special ops “French Foreign Legion” that make the Navy Seals look like Bambi.
Of course it doesn’t matter the French were the first to have a flying aircraft (wikipedia frères Mongolfiers)
Of course it doesn’t matter that that France is also co-founder of radium, hence plutonium used in your so cherrished “nukes”.
Of course it doesn’t matter that the US just came late 10 days of war (when victory was assured), to distribute bubble gum, and condoms
to French widows, and then spawn 20 blockbuster movies like “saving private ryan” to show-off and dispute reality.
The only thing that seemed to matter to you guys (besides tits and pussy and drugs), is the fact as UN permanent member, we didn’t go along with your whole NOW KNOWED to be a full hoax to get cheap oil, secret service discovered WMD - and we voiced it (France was right). Sooner or later your clumsy president will be indicted as a war criminal. With your beer bellies and your 40 inch made in China flatscreen, you about killed thousands and thousands of innocent humans (”collateral damage”) : and you still joke about it, and pretend you’re infuriated. Must mean the end of a cycle. Nobody in Europe look at America as a dream or an example, you pretty much screwed it up within a 4 year time-lapse. Oh well.
PS: about the WWI, for you ignorant jocks, who think others are cowards :
WWI
Verdun battle 02/21/1916 12/19/1916 10 months
163000 French dead vs 143000 Germans dead
Somme battle 07/01/1916 11/18/1916 4 months
202567 French dead vs 437322 English dead vs 737322 German dead
That’s history, a whole lot of people dead fighting manly, not with gay laser nighwatch goggles hovering
above in helicopters.
Lastly :
Play with your little ipods as if they were dildos, digg your marijuana lifestyle, and wear baseball caps.
You’re just children to most of Europe, and everybody knows even the most calm Frenchman will give
a better orgasm to your wife, not even trying, on a workday.
For the rest, you are like a fly to us, that is why we have not yet nuked you : in our peripheral vision, we
are just gazing mildly at the downfall of our American friends who betrayed US and not the opposite.
July 22nd, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Wait. What country now? Trying to follow your logic with what I know of WWII, I assume you must be from Argentina?
July 22nd, 2008 at 5:13 am
Screw France! Screw the French! Off with their arrogant little heads!
Really…. France, That bastard country that MY country gave back their country from the other country who took their country from them in WWII had the gall to announce to MY country that our country’s dead soldiers “pollute their landscape”, after taking payoffs from Saddam to veto any UN action.
If you meet someone who seems like a pompous jerk, smells like cheese and has REALLY hairy armpits , then it’s a FRENCH person… be very careful and step 3 feet back. They are wine-tasting, self serving jerks (except the topless ones who shave their armpits)
July 21st, 2008 at 8:24 am
That’s a very interesting article.
July 21st, 2008 at 4:49 am
I laughed really hard when he said “(Pronounced chiv)”
July 21st, 2008 at 4:43 am
You could have borrowed that one I had, she was an evil (big tittied) bitch.
July 21st, 2008 at 12:01 am
Polish girls need love too. And spankings.
Kingmonkey, you sell yourself short; you absorb twice as much wine and cola from carpet as a regular monkey.
NCBYTBIDWWII: It’s OK to speak French incorrectly; they deserve to be offended.
July 20th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
But the French motto is actually spelled: “Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité” (if it wasn’t blindingly obvious I’d put a translation here).
I’m splitting hairs really, I just get easily bugged when I recognise people speaking a foreign language incorrectly.
July 20th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
Productivity and hours worked do not always match up. The longer someone works, the less useful they get. At least, that’s how I work… and I’m not all that useful to begin with!
July 20th, 2008 at 4:11 am
RJ: I thought people agreed that a 35h workweek during a time of severe recession and economic trouble was a not-so-good idea.
July 19th, 2008 at 9:48 am
I don’t care what anyone says. A 35-hour work week with a couple months’ vacation would be glorious here in the US. It’s evidence that the French know money isn’t everything. You have to get out and LIVE life to be truly happy. We Americans work so hard, old Soviet-bloc Russians comment on how we need to slow down.
July 19th, 2008 at 6:35 am
I’ve been to Nice, it was okay, except for the rich people and the smell of constant dog shit.
J-Pappi, I would have invited you but back in ‘39 you were trying to get all the Polish tang you could before the Germans took over.
July 19th, 2008 at 5:32 am
Wavingfromthebeach: yeah, logistics. The French and British forces combined were probably more numerous than the Germans, but they were poorly deployed.
July 19th, 2008 at 4:17 am
How come everyone dogs the French, but curiously forgot to mention the British Army that got their asses handed to them and had to be rescued by a bunch of sods in rowboats?
“OK, we have this bigass wall. We’ll put our army there .. you Brit’s cover the left flank, ok? Ok? Hey! Where the fuck did they go? Where did all those German tanks come from? Shit ….”
July 19th, 2008 at 4:04 am
I was just in Versailles, it isn’t that great. I’m in Nice now, its uh….nice.
July 18th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
OMG! Ze loving is hot! Hot garlicky singles at Gallicmeet.com Meet your perfect striped shirt wearing Frenchman or blonde yet unbelievably body hairy French woman! Dreams come true or your frogs leg back!
July 18th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
OMG!! I saw a hot video about her on the dating site –Black sugarmommy do t–co m, it is an online dating on which the wealthy sugarmommies seeking younger and handsome partner. And some famous older stars’ profiles can also be found on that page.
July 18th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
I love France. Just saying. They’re not that great with wars or speaking in such a way that anyone but native born French speakers, from France (not Canada), can understand a thing they say, but asdfjk;, oh well.
July 18th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Actually if the French government had listened to Charles de Gaulle in the first place, they might have been better prepared for blitzkrieg. He wrote a book on military mechanization and strategy that the French government chose to ignore. A book that was tranlasted from French to German by the guy who may not have invented blitzkrieg, but certainly perfected it. Somehow, I told you so just doesn’t seem to cover it.
July 18th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
[...] Computer annoyances and how to Fix Them. (Life Hacker) - 16 Facts about France of dubious verity. (Cracked) - The 20 worst movie endings ever. (Times [...]
July 18th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
You forgot to mention their amazing ability to be an impecably well dressed and tidy people,despite every last wine loveing one of them carrying some sort of vd.
July 18th, 2008 at 8:09 am
I only remember one birthday 12 years ago. My age was 4 times greater than one third of Ross’ age. How old am I?
No, seriously, how old am I? I don’t fucking remember anymore.
July 18th, 2008 at 7:21 am
Ross: you’re thinking of the Battle of Krojanty (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Krojanty). Everyone conveniently forgets that the cavalry was armed with anti-tank weapons, and that the Poles initially forced the Germans back.
July 18th, 2008 at 6:50 am
I’m twelve and TITTIES!!!!!
July 18th, 2008 at 6:10 am
I see how it is, Ross. You never invited ME to your chalet. I would even have brought the schnapps.
July 18th, 2008 at 5:55 am
86.
I didn’t fight in WW2 but I was watching it from my hilltop chalet in Switzerland.
July 18th, 2008 at 1:00 am
This piece is great !! Nicely done !!
But the comments : ?? Wow, how old are you guys ?
July 17th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
I love you for that last fact.
July 17th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Why must one choose between tits and pussies? Unless you’re hanging out with paraplegics or double mastectomy recipients (or both…eeeew), it would seem this would be one of the very few times in life one can have his cake (or pussy) and eat it too.
July 17th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Maplebang!!!!!!!
July 17th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Tits!
July 17th, 2008 at 9:34 am
pussies
July 17th, 2008 at 7:41 am
Tits.
July 17th, 2008 at 5:00 am
The funniest thing was, Poland held out that long whilst trying to resist Blitzkreig with a fucking CAVALRY CHARGE! The French simply left a giant gaping hole in their defences in the Ardenne, thinking the German tanks wouldn’t break through. Chris is right, they assumed that the trenches left over would protect them, therefore neglected the same strong defences they had elsewhere.
July 17th, 2008 at 4:27 am
Hey, Chris, you could have linked this nicely to the other one about Canada. I mean, true to their French roots, the Franco-Canadiens lost the war to the British, and remain the only province to take more from the federal government than they put in. I’m just saying. But I guess as long as Montreal is still around, Quebec’s alright by me.
July 17th, 2008 at 4:01 am
The Invasion of Poland also lasted about a month, between 1 September and 6 October.
July 17th, 2008 at 3:59 am
drenchedinblood: The Germans basically strolled into France by stampeding through Belgium and the Netherlands. I don’t know, maybe France didn’t want to antagonize the Belgians by building the Maginot Line all the way. Maybe France was still stuck in a WWI trench-war mindset and didn’t expect the Blitzkrieg.
But then again, Germany also invaded France in WWI by overrunning Belgium.
Finland: Be afraid. Be very fucking afraid.
Vetus: actually, the Battle of France lasted between 10 May and 25 June 1940.
July 17th, 2008 at 1:10 am
Damn, reading the comments was just as good as reading the blog.
July 17th, 2008 at 1:03 am
Heh, while we are bashing the frogs:
How many soldiers does it take to defend Paris (the craphole city in france, not the fuckwitted tart)?
Nobody knows, it has never been tried.
Having visited france i can confirm that they are lazy bastards, perhaps even on a par with scousers.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:47 am
I think the biggest joke about france and getting their asses kicked in wwII is that they built a huge ass wall specifically geared to keep the germans out but the wall didn’t cover the entire border and they concentrated their forces on the wall because they didn’t think the germans would cover mountains and forests to get accross the break in the wall , well the french didn’t know the german mentality very well. The germans basically strolled into France in an unguarded unwalled section of the border and by the time the french knew they were in it was too late. Hey frenchmen, a wall doesnt make any sense unless it covers the WHOLE border. French laziness at its finest.
July 16th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
France is the birthplace of the Metric system, which unlike the French, actually works. I got this idea from ..Mixedmate.c om it is a free inter-racial dating club. Lots of singles there.
July 16th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
Did you know that rather than building a fence around France to keep out illegal aliens, the French have erected huge white flags to surrender to anything that crosses the border?
July 16th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
The funniest thing about france taking a kicking in WW2 is it took like 10 days. Poland held out longer. Fucking poland.
July 16th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
@ Otto
Real reason for the Eiffel Tower: Genius
@everyone else
I like the discussion went from an easy subject of making fun of France to a discussion about WW2. Good job guys. (Really the comments made this blog 10x better - but it was good to start w/)
July 16th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Why has no one mentioned the real reason for the Eiffel Tower? It’s really quite simple: overcompensation
July 16th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
What was REALLY funny is that Finland almost kicked Russia’s ass. The Finnish winter was so cold the fucking RUSSIANS couldn’t handle it, and after losing so many troops to guerilla warfare they finally had to do a full scale invasion losing somewhere in the neighborhood of 50,000 troops. Profound embarrassment for the Rooskies.
July 16th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
hahaha - i would die 4 u as the prince song known for the beret XD cracked me up.
July 16th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Thank you! I knew it was definitely one of them.
July 16th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
“The place where I want to be”
July 16th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Panzier-Stier, you’re thinking of Finland.
July 16th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
I want to learn more about Carpet Day,
July 16th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Do not forget Denmark also was not one of the “world powers” as France was thought to be.
I am french so ya I’m kinda ashamed….
July 16th, 2008 at 11:39 am
My bad, I think I might be thinking of Sweden, which didn’t enter the war but produced supplies for the Germans. I honestly remember hearing that Britain declared war on one of the Scandinavian countries.
Anyway, before we all discuss WW2 and it’s ramification in Scanadinavia. I think I may have discovered why French people are such dicks:
They’re run by old people.
The younger generations in France have no say in everything, so snobbery and old-fashioned beliefs are engrained in society. Basically in France if you’re under 40, you’re scum, and don’t deserve to speak, even though most French people over 40 live in the dark ages and still think people come by to cobble their roads every half a century.
July 16th, 2008 at 9:39 am
Denmark…. hmm. Cheese danish anyone?
July 16th, 2008 at 8:49 am
Norway was not part of the Axis… Germany attacked them. And the Danish king rose the flag of Denmark himself dispite the Nazis’ warning of executing the flag raiser. You see how one country had balls while the other… not so much with the balls having.
July 16th, 2008 at 5:35 am
Strangely, Denmark’s neighbour Norway was part of the Axis, declaring war on Russia, which in turn led Britain to declare war on them. The only 2 democracies in the history of warfare to declare conflict. There was no battle fought between the two though, it was a miniture Cold War.
July 16th, 2008 at 2:54 am
Actually, Danes were known as Vikings between the 8th and the 11th century.
Well, at least this explains what I always thought to be a double standard.
Judgernaut: forgot to mention that they managed to retain self-government until 1943.
July 16th, 2008 at 12:01 am
So, you’re saying that that Denmark couldn’t score inside the 20 either? Germany just had to paint an end zone outside Berlin to keep them out?
July 15th, 2008 at 11:40 pm
No… You’re thinking of Minnesota.
July 15th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
hell yeah, Denmark had fucking Vikings
July 15th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Also Denmark didnt demand a third of Germany when the war wasdone even though France didnt deserve squat. Denmark is also technically part of Scandanavia andhis makes them cooler than France automatically.
July 15th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Plus Denmark had one of the most effective underground resistances of the occupied country Besides, there wasn’t a hell of a lot they could have done to resist invasion without a standing army to speak of
On a relatively unrelated (to this article) note, Denmark was found to be the happiest country in the world; Curse my shortsighted ancestors!
July 15th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
So talking about countries birthdays is all that is happening? Chris is not really Canadian?
July 15th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Denmark doesn’t get any crap for losing because they’re not a bunch of pretentious fuckwads that were just asking for it.
July 15th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Sorry but Louis the “chiv” is fucking hilarious! Good work. I look forward the next history rapeing blog.
July 15th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
An article about France which is funny without being insulting? I salute you, sir.
July 15th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Postacard industry? An unintended side effect I assure you.
The Eiffel Tower was actually built was to provide something really tall to wave the white flag from in case of attack.
July 15th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Why don’t people ever give Denmark any crap about losing to Germany in World War II? They only lasted a few hours.
July 15th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Do you have something against Asterix?!
July 15th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
I think i might have flown over turkmenistan on my way to kyrgistan. Yes I know they are supposed to be capitalized but I don’t feel either country has earned that right yet.
July 15th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Holy crap. Someone other than me knows that Turkmenistan is a country. I will be looking forward to that blog entry.
July 15th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
@Reginald… Aside from a Ballerina that could kick my ass (which covers almost everyone in toe shoes), he is Belgian. Like French Fries, but strangely less salty when you lick him. I think I’ll go Vomit now.
July 15th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Why did you feel the need to link to the wikipedia article on spawning? Do you seriously think there’s a single Cracked reader who doesn’t already know what that means? Come on.
July 15th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
What the hell is Jean Claude Van Damme?
July 15th, 2008 at 11:57 am
If I was given credit for a food as delicious as French Fries I would keep up the charade as well. The french would have been fools to deny it.
July 15th, 2008 at 11:21 am
I think French Fries were originally intended as a sick joke by the Irish…something about a potato famine - but then Americans found a way to make them popular and wholesome.
I love French Fries. They should always be capitalized.
July 15th, 2008 at 11:10 am
I’m pretty sure it was the Italians, just to fuck everyone over.
July 15th, 2008 at 11:05 am
The Belgians
July 15th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Ok so I think someone needs to settle this question once and for all…
Who the fuck invented French Fries?
July 15th, 2008 at 10:50 am
As a person that grew up reading Asterix comics, I peed myself a little at no.13. In England, a hard day at work is often referred to as ‘a French week’
July 15th, 2008 at 10:23 am
J-Pap, I’m very disappointed that you actually said “first”
I’m even more disappointed that you lost
this was pretty funny anyway, even if the english were referred to as “Ross” from friends…the ugly one with the plasticine face
it shouldn’t matter to me, I’m welsh…but against the french? England every time
July 15th, 2008 at 10:23 am
First is reserved for Americans. Okay buddy?
July 15th, 2008 at 10:06 am
Did you know French people are actually culturally forced to give tourists directions? But, in a real moment of proper Gallic dickishness, they’ll make them up, even if they know.
July 15th, 2008 at 9:41 am
Asshole; you ruined my moment of triumph.
July 15th, 2008 at 9:40 am
First! You forgot that they eat babies and drink pee. SNL said so.
July 15th, 2008 at 9:38 am
first