When I told some of my Cracked cohorts that this week’s HBN was going to be about Will Smith, I was met with much shock and alarm:
“I LOVE Will Smith,” DOB proclaimed, while attempting to spray a six pack tan line onto his abdomen.
Mikey Swaim agreed. “Will Smith makes me forget I hate all Black people,” he said.
Chris Buckholz had a slightly different take: “Dammit, Gladstone! Who the hell gave you my phone number?”
I’ll be the first to admit that Will Smith is not particularly hateable. But HBN is a harsh mistress. Each day I try to fill this world with a little more love and compassion, but HBN is there, staring at me with it’s bullwhip, full body leather, and 6 inch fetish heels, demanding that I spew venom online. And me —tied up and fitted with gag ball— just can’t refuse. Actually, that doesn’t work at all. “Harsh mistress” is not a very good metaphor.
HBN is more like a drunken, cocktail waitress offering quick gratification with a minimum of effort. Yeah, that’s better. So sorry, Will. I didn’t have to do it, but this interview of yours is the equivalent of Mandy at the Hi Lite bar writing her phone number on the back of the check. Watch it after the jump.
Gladstone wants to be your special friend. Check out some more of his stuff HERE and OVER HERE and HERE TOO.
Last 5 posts by HBN
- HBN Says Goodbye - November 24th, 2008
- CNN Thinks Gift Cards Are Complicated (or Contest Winners, Rankings and preparing for the end) - November 17th, 2008
- Twilight Looks Like Crap (or Announcing the Hate By Numbers Contest) - November 10th, 2008
- Japanese Cat Saves Local Economy (Or What Would Hate By Numbers Look Like Without Hate) - November 3rd, 2008
- Marcia Brady Has More Problems Than You'd Imagine (If you imagine that fictional characters are real) - October 27th, 2008
September 21st, 2008 at 11:41 pm
kingmonkey+1, I don’t… I don’t think Maus is about super heroes.
Come to think of it, tall, statuesque, boyishly handsome Smith is the worst casting ever for a “normal guy” super hero. They shoulda got Paul Giamatti, or even better Dan Hedeya. Also, the first black super hero to grace the screen since *shudder* Catwoman–and a looong time before that–and he’s a violent, homeless drunk who gets incarcerated? Nice, Hollywood, nice.
July 18th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
She is a rich woman and somebody saw her profile on a dating site ~~~~***Black sugarmommy***~~^*C O M, there the rich sugarmommies seeking young handsome sugarbaby. And her profile says she is tired of all the games and just want to find a man who can treat her like a queen.
July 9th, 2008 at 7:22 am
More funny news on http://www.sugarmommylove.com
July 9th, 2008 at 4:40 am
do you know __http://seekingbbw.com _______All Plussize/BBW/BHM singles and admirers, meet together here! Then it will be easier for you to find friends, soulmates, romance&love! The best and largest community for plus-size singles and admirers in the world.
July 7th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
Some how I got wrangled into seeing this movie, this past weekend. I am going to have to say that Gladstone was right on this one. The other people that saw it with me said they liked it, but I think it was they didn’t want to admitt they spent the money to see it. It was visually kewl but something was missing….story?
Anyhoo, I will never doubt your hate.
July 7th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
I loved Greatest American Hero!!!
July 7th, 2008 at 10:08 am
how can anyone say this movie is a clever idea?
it’s superman but drunk and black, i could only imagine the thought process there.
Great article Gladstone! Don’t let judgemental jackasses ruin it for you.
July 3rd, 2008 at 9:46 am
“I bet the movie sucks and this interview didn’t make me think otherwise.”
I bet it’s not as bad as the last Superman movie!
July 1st, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Oh yeah, Gladstone if you’re not doing anything with Mandy from the Hi Lite’s phone number could I have it please?
July 1st, 2008 at 9:25 pm
I’m not sure, but I bet the girls at ___plusmeet.com___ can.
July 1st, 2008 at 8:06 pm
explain to me what chunky love is…
July 1st, 2008 at 2:27 pm
gallons of it I’m sure….
July 1st, 2008 at 2:13 pm
i stand by my unorthodox 3/4 approach. And yes, i gave that bartender so much chunky love.
July 1st, 2008 at 2:04 pm
the delivery is good, face is slightly wooden, not as much deadpan as wooden. I like HBN, sometimes it DOES seem like a stretch but it makes me laugh, so hey. i especially liked the sweater pool joke. That was good. how about some um…background music or something during the intro, it almost seems like you paid some bartender with chunky love to slip in after dark and film yourself slightly tilted to the left. kinda odd. ok, so I’m done.
July 1st, 2008 at 1:25 pm
I’m sure I had something great to say, like the rest of you *coughs*
What about all of those other movies….*blanks* Sorry, I was mistaking lameness for a superpower. That’s not original at all! An icepick labotomy is sounding quite appealing. I need to erase movies like, ZOOM ‘Academy for superheroes’, ‘Spy Kids’ and ‘Inspector gadget’ from my mind! How is it that I keep going back for more punishment? There’s nothing on T.V, that’s why. I’m sure Hancock will be great. At least, better than the aforementioned movies…I cling to that hope.
For the laughs meter. I laughed. YAY! Keep up the good work (y)
July 1st, 2008 at 10:49 am
I always used to tell my boss, when she remarked on my calm demeanor at work, that my secret was three fingers of scotch in the morning, then again on each break.
She didn’t like that joke at all.
July 1st, 2008 at 8:50 am
I like how, through poor choice of words, Will Smith basically said that driving drunk is a “normal thing” to do. Or at the very least, a “normal” problem we all deal with. I don’t know about you, but drunk driving is part of my daily routine. I’m up to three jam jars of rum and Coke a day before heading off to work.
Keep it up, Gladstone. Find the hate that we never knew was there.
July 1st, 2008 at 7:55 am
Toynip, I don’t hate Will Smith at all. I said so in the post. He’s probably one of the most likable guys on the planet.
I think you’re looking too deeply into what i’m saying. I bet the movie sucks and this interview didn’t make me think otherwise.
If you like my delivery (due to your UK status no doubt — doesn’t always play here) check out some of other Hate By Numbers. You’ll probably like them better.
July 1st, 2008 at 7:04 am
I have a few issues with your video, Gladstone.
First, Will Smith may not be a ‘normal’ guy but he’s an actor, so surely he can act out the role of a normal guy with normal problems? The fact he’s sat there doing an interview in his thousand dollar sweater makes no difference to how good his portrayal of an alcoholic superhero will be.
Second, at no point in the interview did he say ‘we didn’t use CGI’, all he actually said was they used the flying harnesses and wires to make it realistic. Coupled with CGI it makes for a far better overall effect than getting him to strike a flying pose in front of a blue screen and superimposing it onto a horizon.
Third, how do any of the pretty lame points made in the video mean the movie is going to be ‘truly awful’? Seems you have a deep dislike for Will Smith and are using that to bash his new movie. Personally I think the premise for Hancock is a clever idea and from what I’ve seen and heard so far I’ll definitely be seeing it when it’s released over here in the UK.
About the only positive thing I can say is you’ve got your sarcasm and your dramatic pauses down. They’d be brilliant if what you were actually saying was in the least bit funny.
July 1st, 2008 at 3:50 am
For some reason, my sister was explaining the premise of Hancock to me the other day, and my reaction to being told it was a completely now super hero was almost exactly the same as yours.
It seems unbelievable to me that they’re even trying to pull that lie off when it’s only been a couple of years since the last Superman movie.
July 1st, 2008 at 3:24 am
A nun-raping bad news breaker? Dude, I’d do that all week and then some. Especially if the nuns could have splattered me with their “Please don’t rape me” blood first (not sure how I aquire that). Yeah! Yummmm……
July 1st, 2008 at 1:49 am
Where can I get a career where I JUST tell people they have cancer?
Like not a doctor, but I actually just sit there and people come to me and I be a douche-bag.
It sounds easy and doesn’t require much sober-ness.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:54 pm
dan, you have cancer.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:38 pm
holy shit, you could be more unfunny if you tied a dead baby around your neck and raped a nun.
maybe you should try a career in telling people they have cancer. That might be slightly funnier than the shit you just put out Wayne.
Jesus Christ.
June 30th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
Amazing, all those excerpts from the interview with Will Smith and he didn’t once look into the camera, raise one eyebrow and say “daaaaaayyym”
June 30th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
That was hilarious, especially the Greatest American Hero reference.
Will Smith is definitely looking and sounding soft. He damn sure doesn’t appear to have retained any of that muscle he put on for “Ali” (despite currently playing a superhero) and he also damn sure doesn’t sound like anyone we could identify with (unless we were super-rich, super-pampered Hollywood actors approaching 40-something and rapidly losing our street cred).
June 30th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
I think Smith looks retarted, by the way he speaks. How he call flying sets “aggresive”. With all the hand waving. Those cinema cameras must be sucking intelect at high rates.
June 30th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
I haven’t been able to watch the video because I’m at work, but I sincerly doubt anything will stop me from seeing that movie. The Fresh Prince with superpowers? How can that not be awesome?
June 30th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
I thought it was funny.
Still going to watch it though, as this was more of an interview review, as opposed to having a crack at the movie itself. Looks pretty good to me.
June 30th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
You’ve just made fun of a friend of the most powerful scientologist…Xenu is coming for you
June 30th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
I didn’t outright laugh but I chuckled on the inside. Still seeing it anyway. You probably will too.
June 30th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Gladstone you suck let me give you my reasons why:
1 thru 5- not remotely funny.
June 30th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Is it just me, or did Wilinium seem pretty drunk during that interview?
June 30th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Funny. The best part was right at the beginning.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:22 am
I also don’t remember Mystery Men. No, seriously, I performed an icepick lobotomy so I would be permanently removed.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Wow, Gladstone– you made someone laugh so hard they puked. Mission accomplished! I just can’t see HBN getting any higher praise than that. That’s awesome.
DOB, I also don’t remember V for Vendetta or MAUS!
June 30th, 2008 at 10:40 am
And I don’t care what you say, Mandy is fucking HOT. Drunk cocktail waitresses need love too.
June 30th, 2008 at 10:39 am
I’ve been up all night with really bad food poisoning throwing up vital organs and wanting to die, and here comes HBN/Hancock to save the day! But you made me so laugh hard I threw up again, which sums up the whole experience and concept of these videos anyway I ’spose. It’s fun, but it’s ANGRY, HATE-FILLED fun. Like your harsh mistress maybe? Ooooo.
I love it when famous multi-millionaires talk about “normal problems”, “suits” and “authentic flying.” Ah well, at least Teen Wolf Too is in it playing Michael Bluth in it, the kids love that guy!
Did you see Big Willie Style at Nelson Mandela’s 90th birthday? We have one of the most amazing human beings on the planet somehow suriving to 90 after being through hell- and Mr. Smith stands directly behind him and just grins stupidly at the camera while he towers over Mandela. “Nah, kids, Nellie’s important- but I know ya’ll need some Fresh Prince to liven his speech up by standing behind him and basking ya’ll in my charisma! Remember- tell your parents to take you to see “Hancock” the Friday it comes out! This ain’t ya’lls parents superheroes anymore- though your parents should buy tickets too. He’s also an alcoholic, they can relate to that!”
I’m gonna go lay down now and die, but I’m sure this will soar like the bloated ego of a movie star in the diggs and your suits will continue getting fancier every week. I don’t think I typed anything sensical, so I apolofigize about that now.
June 30th, 2008 at 10:35 am
What the fuck is up with Will Smith’s hair? What the hell, did Nipsey Russell will Will his hair when he fucking died.
June 30th, 2008 at 10:11 am
Will Smith acting like one of his movies is the coolest, most original thing to come along in years? That doesn’t sound like the smug actor I grew up watching mugging for the camera every chance he got. You must be thinking of some other non-Scientologist.
June 30th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Right, Kingmonkey? Hey, remember Busiek’s Astro City?
Neither do I.
June 30th, 2008 at 9:40 am
Will’s right; there haven’t been any new super heroes in the past forty years. Not one! All this time, I’ve clearly been imagining some of the best stories ever told. In fact, The Watchmen? You never read it; it was all part of my hallucination. That’s how powerful my drugs are.
June 30th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Don’t worry Robot Jesus. I will, and at some point is will be back in the real video viewer and everything!
June 30th, 2008 at 9:31 am
Wayne Gladstone doesn’t care about black people.
June 30th, 2008 at 9:26 am
oh and first
June 30th, 2008 at 9:24 am
Please continue to make HBN. I nearly shat a brick when I watched this